Recent Posts Tagged With 'adult'

• Please Douche: A Love Poem

  Posted on Monday June 9th, 2008 at 22:27 in Cars, adult, pussy, porn, french, itunes, laptop, oxymoron, facial, cops, douche, twisted

  […] after convincing myself that it sounded more like a facial money shot (a very hetero facial money shot), I streaked across the street (while dripping wet) and retrieved the Crème Douche....

• Back to Basics

  Posted on Thursday May 29th, 2008 at 23:39 in adult, Salvage, banner, chicks, social, widgets, stand up, lipstick, doodles, hate mail, death threats, vicodin

  It was just about 6 months ago now that I was in the process of transcribing some old stand-up routines to story form (like this one on the Clap), because I don’t do much live performance anymore and thought I might be able to salvage some of the m...

• No Time for Love, Dr. Jones!

  Posted on Wednesday May 21st, 2008 at 21:31 in adult, social, guest post, jillian approved

  But luckily, there was time to write a guest post on Jillian Approved!, so please swing by her site and check out: I Didn’t Land on “King of Rock”, “King of Rock” Landed on Me; and tell her .45 sent ya!...

• Live Free or Ask .45

  Posted on Sunday May 18th, 2008 at 05:14 in weird, adult, alcohol, panties, crystal meth, racial, testicles, strippers, queries, katherine hepburn, football team, beatings

  […] The day will soon be upon us when Whitey will officially be outnumbered. This is largely due to crystal meth and inbreeding....

• Aromatherapy for Men

  Posted on Thursday May 15th, 2008 at 04:23 in adult, iraq, chicks, political, designers, aromatherapy, gender, parody, Genocide, powerpoint, vegetarians, spreadsheets

  […] A guy can be ugly, fat, bald, and stupid; with a cyst on his mouth and a hump; but as long as he's got ends, he's landing tail....

• Required Slacker Reading

  Posted on Thursday May 8th, 2008 at 05:45 in book, Police, comments, adult, moving, dark, donations, amazon, social, reference, book recommendations, powerpoint

  Lately I’ve been of the mind of recalling some of my favorite slacker literature. The previous statement is total bullshit, however, considering the fact that I wrote this a while ago and set it to future-post. But just for the sake of this lead-in...

• Bloody Birthday

  Posted on Monday April 7th, 2008 at 17:53 in adult, dreams, san francisco, birthday, drinking, restaurants, los angeles, chicks, hitchhiking, tradition, reno, mtv

  […] It was kind of getting old to be waking up all the time with a hangover, in somebody’s bushes, wearing only a thong and an eye patch, and wondering whose ass I was gonna to have to kiss to make up for whatever I did the night beforeSHARETHIS....

• The Shit List

  Posted on Friday April 4th, 2008 at 00:00 in bathroom, adult, crap, social, toilets, shit, observational, defecation

  Not to long ago my husband and I were at a friend’s house. There we were, sitting in the garage enjoying an assortment of beers and salty snacks when my stomach decided to go on strike. This presented me with a dilemma I was unused to: Do I mak...

• Taking Back Slut

  Posted on Tuesday April 1st, 2008 at 02:32 in weird, adult, bondage, yeast infections, drinking, pro-choice, technorati, freak, latex, happy hour, rodeo, ins

  […] I’m more concerned about a girl that isn’t a slut. This always means she’s hiding something; like a boyfriend, or a yeast infection, or a penis, or the fact that she’s a crap lay.SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Taking Back Slut", url: "htt...

• I’m Not the Messiah, I’m a Very Naughty Boy

  Posted on Wednesday March 26th, 2008 at 16:43 in weird, adult, Religious, facade, dark art, crimes against humanity, antichrist, heretic, penance, rapist, parasitic worm, wooden cross

  After this post, I will expect nothing short of public humiliation, severe punishment and the hauling of a wooden cross over my shoulder while being whipped to ribbons. Everyone will rejoice as the evil scum is spat at, ridiculed beyond belief for ...

• Bustin’ Up Car Thieves

  Posted on Monday March 24th, 2008 at 12:06 in math, animal, Police, adult, porn, Car, anal sex, cops, steroids, old people, neighbors, baked goods

  […] I already knew the guy did time because the only people that work out that much are inmates and gay men. Inmates work out to ward off anal advances and gay men to invite them.SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Bustin’ Up Car Thieves", url: "htt...

• Friday Filler!

  Posted on Friday March 21st, 2008 at 05:32 in math, adult, los angeles, memes, chicks, social, page rank, special guests, props, deep space nine, sugar cookies, anal beads

  […] I can’t tell you who these special guests will be, but I can tell you that I would trust them with my blog like I would trust them with my sister, which is to say, I don’t have a sister....

• My Superpower of Unreason

  Posted on Wednesday March 12th, 2008 at 02:57 in adult, sexuality, office, Religious, superpower, orgasm, fulfillment, repression, instinct, bitching, spreadsheets, fine dining

  […] An orgasm is nothing but a reward for fulfilling your primary biological purpose. It’s nature’s way of saying, “Job well done! Enjoy the rest of your evening, and forget about all that other nonsense you were worried about.”...

• The Wrath of Scallopman

  Posted on Sunday March 9th, 2008 at 06:33 in adult, san francisco, birthday, restaurants, metabolism, dna, jennifer love hewitt, illegals, wrath, buffet, rich people, scientists

  […] we get to this restaurant and I’m throwin’ elbows. Kids, librarians, whomever; if they’re in my way, they’re goin’ down....

• Ask .45, Again

  Posted on Wednesday March 5th, 2008 at 02:37 in myspace, sponsors, babies, adult, san francisco, social, t shirts, msnbc, technorati, starbucks, bullets, peanut butter

  […] Clueless housewife humor holds no appeal for me. I already know that babies shit everywhere; I don’t need to read the continuing analysis of this supposed amazing revelation 87,000 times/day on Technorati. Just stick their noses in it and lay...

• High Honors

  Posted on Saturday March 1st, 2008 at 16:00 in adult, social, internet explorer, tributes, web browsers, mattress police, cult of qelqoth, offended blogger, digital sickbag, grandma panties

  […] Internet Explorer is like the Grandma panty of web browsers. Sure everybody’s got a pair, but if you’re wearing them it’s either laundry day or you’re on the rag. Either way, not very sexy....

• On My Deflowering

  Posted on Saturday February 23rd, 2008 at 16:42 in adult, social, ad space, accomplishment, cherry, lube, condoms, the clap, offended blogger, blogosohere, dick jokes, treasure trail

  I just received news that I’ve won the What Was Willy Reading? contest over at Offendedblogger.com. I’m really beside myself, literally; I was cloned somehow. I wish my mom were still talking to me, because I know she’d be proud of her son’s ...

• I Called Her .22

  Posted on Tuesday February 12th, 2008 at 02:06 in adult, models, chicks, social, muslims, guns, vodka, affection, dea, neighbors, trannies, conflict diamonds

  […] They said they didn’t know for dogs, but were plenty knowledgeable about internet sex slavery, selling “decommissioned” warheads to Muslims, and smuggling conflict diamonds for the De Beers Corporation....

• Deranged Canvas of Revenge, Part 2

  Posted on Friday January 18th, 2008 at 06:00 in middle class, adult, drugs, confidence, alcohol, los angeles, dark, political, social, Delusions, dancing, powerpoint

  […] She always had to do the most expensive thing just because it was the most expensive thing and she might be seen at a good table. This would’ve been okay, since I sure as hell wasn't paying; except I'd be looking at this thimble-sized $200 st...

• Ask .45

  Posted on Thursday January 10th, 2008 at 02:34 in adult, chicks, cocktails, steroids, mensa, user experience, testicles, nicknames, lube, tang, phraseology, anal beads

  […] I feel bad when random internet searchers stumble on this site and don't necessary find the information they were looking for. So in an attempt to create a better user experience for them, I thought I would try to field some of these misdirecte...

• The Wig Smelled Like Fear

  Posted on Thursday January 3rd, 2008 at 21:35 in adult, dark, tiger, scar, reno, NPR, lipstick, owen wilson, shotgun, guatemala, kidney, mormons

  [...] When we finally reached the city I call, “The Place I'm Stuck”, and my ointment had run out, I waved good riddance to Pepé and rubbed the scar on my side, feeling warmly reminiscent of the kidney I lost in Guatemala [...]...

• Time at Jumbo’s Clown Room

  Posted on Saturday December 29th, 2007 at 11:53 in adult, relationship, drugs, san francisco, los angeles, dark, sexual harassment, stripper, steroids, Red Bull, ginger rogers, rehab

  [...] After having been involved in a number of these “New Years”, I am now able to confirm that this is actually an ideal time to wipe your slate clean of the prior year’s sexual harassment and lude behaviour accusations and pretend to be a be...

• Not Quite Right Down There

  Posted on Wednesday December 26th, 2007 at 11:46 in white, adult, san francisco, chicks, oxymoron, chewbacca, antibiotics, pez, wrath, stds, lube, good will hunting

  [...] So she gets the lube and proceeds to completely baste herself in it, just greasing up every shock and piston. She knew what she was doing, too. I was like, “I don't know what exactly is about to go down, but f***ing BRING IT!”. [...]...