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Bastard of Art and Commerce
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An idiosyncratic and foolish blog written by an overweight copywriter who spends far too much time seething quietly about the unfairness of it all.
Recent Posts Tagged With 'greg's life as nincompoop'
You see civilizational collapse. Quaker Oats see GOLD!
If this ad specimen is any indication, Quaker Oats is putting their chips against our current economic system collapsing to the point where the gainfully employed are forced to commute by jetpacks, high above the churning, ultraviolent CHUD-populate...
Oh, come on now. This is ridiculous.
I agree with aromatherapy insofar as smelling violets is usually more pleasant that smelling, say, solvent or the leavings of a cat who has eaten a lot of blue cheese. But beyond that, I'm not sure pleasant smells are effective as psilocybin or a gal...
I wanted a bed. You gave me air quotes.
Irony is sublime. It can be anyway. In film, in visual art, in fiction – in all those places, irony deftly applied can’t be beat. I EAT that shit up. But in a hotel, at 10:00, when you’re checking in after six hours sitting in coach next to a c...
This is why I pace.
I'm in LA today. I'm in LA, and not at home, where I should be. I mean, I should be in LA, because me being in LA is directly related to me bringing home some money every two week. But I don't like it, none the less. It's been a long trip. And at hom...
The problems with being a hopelessly obscure m.f.er
I get a lot of visitors looking for information on the Russian Orthodox diaconate. Why? Because of this: Igor, the Retarded Russian Orthodox Deacon. I'm even offended by it at this point, and I can't imagine most folks searching for information on R...
Looking in the mirror
It's a weird thing. I like to look at my pores. I'm not too keen on my looks in general, but I do enjoy to scan across my face and examine bumps and anomalies -- wild hairs, etc. I'm removed from it, like a satellite in low orbit over a blackhead pla...
Och, Chewie, we hardly knew ye. But then you bit a kid like a dumbass.
Chewie is going back to the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm, because while he's perfectly lovely to Paula and me, he is an asshole to every other living being on the planet. Not entirely true. He is tolerant of our kids, other than growling at them from time a...
Goddamn it! I LOVE MUSIC!
It's the craziest damn thing, but I love that shit! I was all in a mood this morning, grumbling about the twilight of the west, the brattiness of my kids and dog. Then, dear hearts, I got into my car, set the ipod to shuffle, and WAS SLAPPED INTO A M...
Idiotic anecdote from the edge of the consciousness!!!
I am flying/levitating above a house. It is a moonless night, and the house is sitting on top of a butte. It has no roof, and I can see the walls that delineate the floor area of each room. Every room is lit up, and I can see the residents of the hou...
I can't even fantasize correctly.
I was walking Chewie (who attacked a man yesterday) up in the highlands of Berkeley yesterday, past the massive Arts and Crafts redwood "cottages" that house world renowned experts in various disciplines I've never heard of, when I entered a gentle r...
I am not MArk Hausmann
At Safeway, they issue these little discount cards to customers. You save a few cents here and there. My card has long since gone the way of my library card, gym membership card and social security card, folded into some eldritch aperture of space/ti...
Shopping in Twin Peaks
I just remembered this incident...About three years ago, I was at shopping for browsing in a music store, looking at the classical CDs. I guess nothing appealed to me, because I made it all the way to "X" before I found anything I wanted to get. I pi...
Buh-NAL vs. Baynul
I propose that American english speakers pronounce the word banal to rhyme with "anal". Nothing throws the conversational rhythm of American English (standard Midland accent) off like the high faluting second beat of "banal". You're ambling along at ...
I dropped my goddamn phone in the toilet.
How's that for a fine howdy do? Meanwhile, the California coast has been lashed -- LASHED -- with hurricanish wind and horizontal rain, and I kept my Motorola as dry as a sparrow's egg in the nest. The worst of the Pacific couldn't moisten my phone, ...
I'm calling you out, Harriet Klausner.
In your reign as the #1 reviewer at Amazon.com has been a little too smug, a little too righteous, a little too goddamn long. Someone needs to stop you. And that someone is me. So some would say that the fact you've reviewed 15178 books means somethi...
How I should be doing things.
Looking accomplished is the way to go. Wear your clothes loose, and orally fidget with a unlit Schimmelpennick, moving it to the corners of your mouth when you talk (don’t take it out!). Walk slow, stop and look at random things in the street and t...
How I should be doing things.
Looking accomplished is the way to go. Wear your clothes loose, and orally fidget with a unlit Schimmelpennick, moving it to the corners of your mouth when you talk (don’t take it out!). Walk slow, stop and look at random things in the street and t...
People want me dead. Why? Because I'm DANGEROUS.
Got my first death threat email the other day. Man, was that exciting!Here it is: SUBJECT: I DON’T DEATH THREATEN PEOPLE BODY: Dude. I am not playign. You are going to stop giving me grief. There are so...
Don't tell my wife.
I got her some cool prints. Witness: Best of all, because I am a tightfisted, ruthless swine, they're ONLY TWENTY BUCKS EACH. Ha! You can get really sweet-ass, inexpensive art for your love interest at 20x200Because I'm uploaded images like a damn fo...
Go Frank.
There's this guy, Frank Chu. He's a fixture in downtown San Francisco, an eccentric (well, more than an eccentric. More like a schizophrenic) that has a standing bottomless tab in various bars in the Financial District. His claim to fame, other than...
I will remember this date as long as I live
Historical dates, like July 4, 1776, or October 14, 1066, are actually the mark of a half-life, some dialectical mid-point in the shift from one historical trend to another. I recently experienced a reminder of historical flux, thanks to an email thr...
What happens when you subscribe to War and Peace via email?
You get many, many, many unread emails.This came from Bastard of Art and Commerce, just so you know. bastardofaandc.blogspot.com...
My daughter, the white kid.
Ruby is fascinated by race. Her brother has picked up the maltese/mexican pigment from Paula (what she calls her "chocolate good looks"), while Ruby has picked up my pale, sun burn-y type skin. She's constantly prodding her brother, asking why his sk...
The on-set of a crippling neurological ailment?
Walking back from lunch today, I saw a woman loading a case of Pepsi into her car. So I said,"Soda". Just like that. Not to anyone, just the sky. "Soda"Am I going mad?This came from Bastard of Art and Commerce, just so you know. bastardofaandc.blogs...
Me and Al, being nerds.
Al: "Dude, last night my friend twittered the best Xbox LIVE username: My Little PWNy."Me: "At last someone gets it."Al: "Although I think the best username I've ever seen is BilboFraggins."Me: "That's awesome. It's like a tesseract of fucking radnes...
David Byrne writes songs about my father-in-law.
As I've noted elsewhere, my father-in-law owns an auto repair shop, and he's also a one-of-a-kind dude. To help out a down-on-his-luck sign painter, Paul dreams up all sorts of little projects for this guy, and as a result, Paul's shop is decked out...
Memorable Abuse from Strangers
A one-eyed, speed freak biker crossing the street in my home town. I was probably six. Naturally I gawped at him.Quote (said in extremely loud, guttural roar): “Quit eyeballin’ me, you little shit.”**Ordering cider in an Irish pub frequented by...
Feel like making a mixed CD.
If you want one, drop me your postal address via gregmills at-symbol pacbell dot net.I haven't decided what to put on it. You will just have to trust. It might be crap, and you might end up hating me. But I'm not worried about that, because that's yo...
Oh, dang. I forgot weigh down this old world with my pointless shit!
Me. Feh! That's what I say to me. Not blogging. Watching "Flight of the Conchords" and "Mad Men". Listening to I-Tunes at work and staring at things. That's me. If I were a camel, my hump wouldn't be filled with zesty content, no. It'd be filled with...
Things I would pay US$20 to see.
* A vibrator applied to Bruce Valanch’s neck folds* A 15-pound block of ground beef in a wind-tunnel* A capuchin monkey dressed as a cowboy riding on the back of a Jack Russell terrier* The facial expression of Gobi desert nomads coming across a nu...
