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Bastard of Art and Commerce
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An idiosyncratic and foolish blog written by an overweight copywriter who spends far too much time seething quietly about the unfairness of it all.
Recent Posts Tagged With 'the moppets'
I am a bad blogger. Bad.
I've been scrambling for freelance work and I've finally hit my stride, so that's good. Now, blog: Ruby was playing dress up today with... a crutch. She was putting on scarves, underwear and old baby clothes on this crutch. Here's her monologue: "Yes...
In which the boy urinates on me.
c. 6:00 amOwen, sleeping next to me: "Could you open the window, please?"I chuckle to myself: "Meh, talking in his sleep. Meh. Wait a sec? Why am I all wet?"This came from Bastard of Art and Commerce, just so you know. bastardofaandc.blogspot.com...
I am giving Ruby the gift of knowledge about primordial dwarves and giant creme brulees
The lucky, undeserving little brat is getting the finest reference known to man: The Full Color Guinness Book of World Records (16 pages in 3D!). I don't know how it was for you as a snubbin, but when I was a grade schooler, the Guinness Book of Worl...
Owen's amazingly well crafted joke.
Owen, 5, made up this cracker today:Q: Why did the turd cross the road?A: To go to the TURD sanctuary. Pure gold.This came from Bastard of Art and Commerce, just so you know. bastardofaandc.blogspot.com...
Ruby and Owen discuss the Sexual Practices of the Human Grown Up
(Note: I've always been weary of simply quoting my kids here. It seems lazy. But, goddamn it, they say some funny ass crap.)Owen: What do grown up do when they're in love?Ruby: They are in sex with each other.Owen: What's that?Ruby: That's when they ...
Innocence, enemy of Tact
Kids are watching Shrek. Ruby: "Dad, you remind me of Shrek."Me: "Oh, yeah? Why?"Ruby: "Well, Shrek is fat... but you're not fat."Me: "I'm sorta fat."Ruby: "No! No, you're not!"Owen: "You're the best!"Ruby: "Anyway, Shrek is ugly. But you're not ugly...
Ruby's last words before night-night.
The other night, I was hanging out with Ruby waiting for her to go to sleep so I could go watch some swearing TV. Her eyes were fluttering at half mast and she began to talk in a sweet, sleepy voice: "Daaaaad.... today at school....""Yes? What happen...
Owen annoys medical professionals.
My long suffering wife is fighting some sort of cold or something. She had a pretty bad sore throat for a couple of days, and so went to the doctor to get swabbed for strep. The only appointment she could get was after the kids got out of school, so ...
Chewie's destiny, forever altered by Frankie Muniz!
As you may recall,Chewie had a nasty tangle with a little boy recently.Things were looking grim for the plump little turd, and all last week Paula and I dragged our feet. Whenever we'd look at Chewie, and his stupid little tail would flick, we would...
THE MUMMY!!!!
Paula's dad can and will fall asleep anywhere. Here he is on our floor. Ruby, always enterprising, piled a bunch of shit around him, and then went around asking if anyone wanted to "tour the mummy's tomb".(All those boxes in back are our attempt at...
Want to hear what my house is like?
This came from Bastard of Art and Commerce, just so you know. bastardofaandc.blogspot.com...
Interlude: Talkin' nature with Owen
Me: Owen, where d'you think rocks come from?Owen: Trees crap them.This came from Bastard of Art and Commerce, just so you know. bastardofaandc.blogspot.com...
The Rise of Chuy: Scourge of the Undead
Chuy, the dog, HATES squirrels. Hates them with the fire of a thousand suns. He especially hates squirrels of the UNDEAD variety. This is what happened: Paula, Owen, and Chuy were boulevarding one afternoon last week, taking in the air and observe th...
I am forced to go to the Ruby Mills content well once more
Lately Ruby has been bringing glass marbles into her bath for god knows what reason. Tonight, I asked her about it. Me: Ruby, why do you bring marbles into the bath?Ruby: I like the way they look when they're wet. Me: Well, don't bring them in, becau...
Ruby's complicated theology
(Note: we have a silly little garden buddha is our semi-wild planter)Ruby: Dad, I was praying. Not being a particularly religious family, I am perplexed. Me: Who were you praying to?Ruby: Buddha! And the fairies. Me: Ah. Is Buddha a friend of the fai...
Ruby asks a question I am not prepared for
Ruby: They made Frankenstein out of parts from dead people, right?Me: I believe that's what the story says, yes. Ruby: So did Frankenstein have some dead person's penis?Me: I don't think the author got into that in the book.This came from Bastard of ...
Ethnic Confusion and Fun with the Mills Kids
As I've noted elsewhere, my wife and I don't share the same pigment. She's has darker skin, being of Mexican and Mediterranean extraction, while I have a complexion closer to Moby Dick, i.e. very white. So Ruby is cursed with my Albion shade, and Owe...
No more Wu-Tang in the house.
When I came home tonight, Owen greeted me with "Konichiwa, puta.""Where'd you learn the word puta?""I just made it up.""Okay, but it's sort of not a nice word.""Oh."He looks up at me with a wide smile."What about konichiwa bitches?"This came from Bas...
I will remember this date as long as I live
Historical dates, like July 4, 1776, or October 14, 1066, are actually the mark of a half-life, some dialectical mid-point in the shift from one historical trend to another. I recently experienced a reminder of historical flux, thanks to an email thr...
It’s all happening at the zoo. Really. And it’s disgusting.
Something is in the water at the Oakland zoo. Something… libidinal. Took Owen today to see what we could see, and what we saw were a lot of animals getting busy – with each other and, more problematically, themselves. The usual suspects – the b...
Shopping
Paula is on the computer. Me: “What are you doing?”Paula: “Shopping.”Me: “For what?”Paula: “Black clothes for the kids.”Me: “Why?”Paula: “Grandma is 96.”Me: “That makes sense.”This came from Bastard of Art and Commerce, ju...
Hutsan the wiled man
Ruby and Owen have a few friends that come to our house with their moms for dinner once a week. Hudson is four, Oli is six and her brother, Elliot, is three.Oli is pretty good at sounding out words; here's her handiwork. (Found on a loose piece of b...
My daughter, the white kid.
Ruby is fascinated by race. Her brother has picked up the maltese/mexican pigment from Paula (what she calls her "chocolate good looks"), while Ruby has picked up my pale, sun burn-y type skin. She's constantly prodding her brother, asking why his sk...
I try to protect Ruby. Ruby corners me.
A family trip to the video. Mom pulls a copy of "Zodiac" off the shelf. "Is Zodiac any good?"Ruby has seen the ads, she asks "What's Zodiac?"Me: "A movie." Ruby: "What's in about?"Me: "It's about this guy that was around when Mom and I were little ki...
Another idiotic way I make my own life difficult.
Spent Sunday night ripping CDs onto my laptop. Today Paula is having a meeting at home with the admissions lady from Ruby’s school to discuss a website Paula is doing for the school. Spent my BART ride wondering if I left my copy of Big Black’s ...
Ruby scatting about meat.
I was working next to Ruby just as she improved this amazing sprechstimme song about meat.Meat. Meat. Meat. Sad Clown with bacon lipsMeat. Hot dog with no bun. I love meat, meat. It’s really meat. Weird meat. Weird meeeeeat. I love meat. Left and r...
Owen objects
I've had this phrase churning around my head on and off all evening, to wit: "Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man!"It's a phrase pulled from a spoken word portion of a particularly obnoxious Frank Zappa song that deeply affected me as a boy. The tit...
Ruby on spending time with older relatives
R: Dad, when you were a kid did you think it was hard to hang out with your grandma?ME: Yeah. R: Yeah. Being with old people is like being with an evil witch that is nice to you but is also creepy and old and wicked. ME: Yep.This came from Bastard of...
Coffee and Classic Rock. I say GODDAMN.
This is going to be a discursive rant, just so you know. I'M IN THAT KIND OF MOOD. Why? Because I hit the sweet spot with coffee consumption today. Two big cups, after a flippin' awesome night's sleep, made under my own steam in a quiet house. FUCKIN...
Guest Post: Paula Takes the Kids To Grandma's (Read this, it's funny!)
EDITOR'S NOTE: Paula took the kids out to her parents' house for dinner. This is her report from the evening:I'm gonna call the Policeman!Today I schlepped the kids to Danville to see my great grandparents (who now live with my parents).For some reas...
