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Recent Posts Tagged With 'brief notes of friendly concern'
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Lady Gaga
Um...Lady? Ms. Gaga? Hi. May we call you Ga? Why are you staring at us? Is that a "no"? So, what do you say we hop the next spaceship to Planet Claire and order a pitcher of Supernovatinis? Or we......
A Letter to Tanya C. Butz, Outraged Virginia Woman
Dear Outraged Virginia Woman, First, since your name is missing from every account we could find, we've decided your name is Tanya C. Butz. According to the story, early one morning you were walking your impressionable son to school when......
Mamma Will Provide (PLUS: Post-its of Friendly Concern!)
When we arrived in NYC in 1987 to pursue our ill-advised dream of becoming a renowned classical actor, we experienced a period of extreme poverty (who saw THAT coming??). We were reduced to jumping turnstiles, and our daily sustenance consisted......
A Sex Prayer for Catholic Couples (PLUS: A Letter to Miss Lisa Newsome)
As we all know, Cathy-lick priests are experts on everything sexual. Of course they're all celibate (wink-wink), so hippity-dippity is pretty much all they ever think about. So who better to write a charming book called "A Prayer Book for......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear K-Fed
Um...Mr. Federline? Kevin? Hi! You're looking...um...summer-y. What do you say we haul our carcasses to the nearest Taco Bell? You can order a couple dozen gorditas whilst we lounge over a supersized vodka-spiked Sprite. Sounds hilarious, doesn't it ...
A Gal Named Stu
Sometimes, as in the case of LA Times sports writer Mike Penner, a dude decides to send back his plate of bratwurst in exchange for the clam dish. Or in the case of Chastity Chaz Bono, a gal realizes she's......
Dear Madge
'Nuff said? xox WAM Mercy Ciccone sez: "Mommy says if I stop throwing poop from my baby cage she'll let me subscribe to this blog's feed."...
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Bono
Um...Bono? Mr. Vox? Hiya. Misplace something? Listen, whatya say we throw on our caftans, make a bee-line for the beach-side tiki bar and order a mai-tai or seven in a dirty coconut? Sounds hilarious, doesn't it? We KNOW! So here's......
Dear Mable Peabody
Hiya Mable, We have no idea who you are, but we're inclined to like you. First of all, we suspect you're hilarious after your third harvey wallbanger. Beyond that, this must be said: there's multi-tasking and there's multi-tasking. For instance,......
Shovel-Toting Ohio Granny pwns Bambi
Euclid, OH -- Dorothy Richardson loves gardening. Her flower beds kick the ass of every other flower bed in dazzling greater Euclid. So one day, when the frail 75-year-old woman was greeted with the sight of a cute fawn sitting......
A Letter to the Classy Gal Who Keeps Rodents 'Twixt Her Boobs
Dear Madame, We need to call you by name, so hereinafter you shall be referred to as "Lola MaGoo, whose bra is a zoo." Okay? So here's the shiznit. We read with shocked fascination the story about how, during a......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Val Kilmer
Um...Val? How's junk? Hey! How's about we shoe-horn ourselves into a cozy corner booth somewhere and knock back two or twenty blue whales? Wouldn't that be the keenest? We KNOW! So. Get a load of you. Whence dost thou jog,......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Madge
Psssst! Um, Ms. Ciccone? Hi! What do you say we find a private corner somewhere and take turns jabbing our fannies with vitamin b shots whilst sipping kabbalah water-and-gin highballs? Doesn't that sound marvy? We KNOW! So listen. We like......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Molly Shannon
Dear Molly Shannon: "And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon its horns ten crowns, and upon its heads the name......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Sasha Fierce
Um...Sasha? Ms. Fierce? Beyonce? Hi. Well. You've rendered us speechless. Psych! Why don't you come down from there so we can sashay over to the nearest lounge and order a pitcher of Singapore Sling and have ourselves a little chit-chat?......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Mike Penner or Christine Daniels or Whoever You Woke Up and Decided to Be Today
Um...Mike? Christine? Mikestine? Chrike? Vicki-Christina-Barcelona? Hey you. What do you say we make a break for the nearest Hooters and knock back a round or seven of Harvey Wallbangers? Doesn't that sound marvy? Fabulous, we thought so too. If you....
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Florence Henderson
Um...Florence? Flo? Mrs. Brady? Hi. Over here. Carol! (snapping fingers in her face). You seem a little distracted. What do you say we barricade ourselves in the green room mix up a pitcher of Brandy Alexanders? Sound fun? We thought......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Jude Law
Um...Jude? Is that you? What do you say we sashay over to the starlight lounge, slide into a booth near the back (where the lights are mercifully low) and order a round or nine of pink squirrels in a dirty......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Sigourney Weaver
Pssst. Sigourney? Sig? Hi. How's junk? Listen, how's about we ditch these insufferable biddies and grab a brandy alexander or twelve at the nearest cocktail lounge? Sound fun? We thought so to. Wait, is there a draft in here? No?......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Donatella Versace
Um...Donnie? Tellie? D-Tel? Pssst. Over here. Hi. How's it hanging? How's it shaking? How are you? Ciao, bella strega. What do you say we throw on a sarong or a caftan and a big straw hat and find a couple......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Kathleen Turner
Um...Ms. Turner? Can we call you Kathy? No? Can we call you Kathy anyway if the booze is on us? Fine. Listen, what do you say we ditch these intrusive paparazzi folks and find a cozy little pub and order......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Heidi Klum
Well hello there, Heidi-cakes! My, my, my. Get a load of you. What do you say we sashay over to the nearest biergarten, order a Jagertini or twelve, and lounge over a strudel whilst we have a eine kleine chit-chat?......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Kate Moss
Kate, hi! Oh, we're sorry...did we startle you? Let's recover from the trauma by sipping a couple or twelve banana-kiwi-cosmos in the VIP lounge, how does that sound? Grooviness in action. Would you like to check that gorgeous hamster fur......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Ms. Jackson-Cause-We're-Nasty
Pssst...Janet? Listen, we know you're in the middle of a concert. We can tell because "Rhythm Nation" is blaring over the speakers and your lips seem to be moving. Also, there's a dozen strange-looking people in ugly clothes jerking and......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Marc Anthony
Marc! Hola! Marc? Over here. Hi. Hey! I've got an idea! Vamanos a Taco Bell! We'll order some chalupas and encheritos and gorditas. And we've got a thigh-flask full of Bacardi so we can spike our diet Dr. Peppers and......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Pamela Anderson
Um, Pammy? Hi. Hey! We have a great idea. Let's find a cozy booth in the corner (away from the harsh lighting) and order a round or eight of guavakiwitinis, how does that sound? Okay, so here's the deal. Although......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Simon Le Bon
Yo, Simon. Wassup. Yeah, over here. Hi. What do you say we ditch Yasmin for a minute or fifty and grab some frozen banana-mango daiquiris at the tikki hut? Coolio. So...didja lose something? Nevermind. Let's talk about somethin else. Here's......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Molly Ringwald
Um, excuse me...Molls? Hi. Listen, you look in dire need of a beverage, and we don't think two-fisting a pair of decaf mocha-frappa-lattes is going to cut it. What do you say we find a cozy corner somewhere out of......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Grace Jones
Pssst. Ms. Jones? Hi. Why so tense? Tell you what, let's swap that goblet of Lancer's chablis for something a tad stronger. I'll have waiter bring a pair of double absynthetinis, stat. Okay, to state the obvious, you're rather groovy......
A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Brandon Davis
Um...Brandon? No, no...don't come any closer, we can smell hear you from there. Ordinarily, at this point we'd suggest that we refresh our vodka-and-redbull-spazatinis, whilst we desperately rack our brains to come up with something nice to say befor...
