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Recent Posts Tagged With 'it's all about moi'
Olly-Olly-Oxenfree!!
When we sat down today to blog (an verb which sounds like it should involve a magazine and a roll of charmin), we couldn't decide which ass to whup. There's so many to choose from. There's the classy gal who......
Mamma Will Provide (PLUS: Post-its of Friendly Concern!)
When we arrived in NYC in 1987 to pursue our ill-advised dream of becoming a renowned classical actor, we experienced a period of extreme poverty (who saw THAT coming??). We were reduced to jumping turnstiles, and our daily sustenance consisted......
Let's Talk About Seck's: A Totally True Story
WAM was fortunate enough to grow up in a bucolic mountain town. There was a group of us kids from the neighborhood who used to ride about on our bikes up and down Gigi Street (we know), a gently sloping......
WestWord Cites Whup-Ass Master's Vance Fulkerson Story!
We are now part of the cultural zeitgeist. On Tuesday, we posted a heart-warming note to aging toupee-wearer Vance Fulkerson, a repulsive man who taught at our alma mater and is currently facing charges of getting a tad sexually exploit-y......
Leeza Englebert, Teen Witch: A Totally True Story
Okay, no one's going to believe this story. But may Yahwey strike us down, it totally happened. In our senior year in college, part of fulfilling our BFA in Directing (a degree that's led us to the glamorous lifestyle we......
Auntie Magnolia's House o' Snakes: A Totally True Story
From time to time, growing up, the parents would shove us onto a plane bound for Oklahoma City. Not to panic, Nanna was waiting at the other end (grandparents, in our family, have a peculiar aversion to being called grandparents;......
WAM/Nixon: A Totally True Story
This one's for Winksi. In the fall of 1972, we had just begun the third grade. Our teacher was Mrs. Younger (who was younger than a redwood, but not much else). Her dyed-black hair was kept in a tight Wilma......
Wiley Coyote: One for the Road
And the blizzard of stupid continues... One last volley of messages with the esteemed Mr. Coyote of Fayetteville North Carolina: From: wiley coyote (email redacted) To: srculpny@aol.com Sent: Wed, 6 May 2009 11:05 am Subject: Not suprised It is not.....
COWA Gets Hate Mail!
Hello, dear readers. As you may know, we have been diligently cranking out posts for your favorite blog for over two years now. Why? First, we care too much. Guilty as charged. Oh, and also, we are a fame whore......
Exotic Zoo Chicken Attacks, un film de Dad: A Totally True Story
You've missed us, desperately. We experienced a brief detour. And to celebrate our gorgeous return, we've decided to share another story from our retarded past. So don your haz-mat gear and proceed with caution. 'Kay? We were three years old......
Muddy Like Us: A Totally True Story
There was a time when we rolled with a chronically bohemian crowd. These are the folks who drink black coffee at midnight in all-night cafes discussing Sondheim and/or anal sex. They live for the Whitney Biennial so they can scowl......
Camp ID-RA-HA-JE: A Totally True Story
They say ("they" being folks who enjoy torturing amphibians) that if you toss a frog into a pot of hot water, the lil' dickens will hop right out again. If, however, you drop him into a pot of tepid water......
The Curious Flight of the Squawking Aqua Snow Goose: A Totally True Winter's Tale
All right. Due to popular demand we have decided once again to open our scrapbook of shame, fire up the way-back machine and share yet another totally true story from our retarded past. Ready?Psychiatrists tell us there's a thing called......
The X-mas Horror of "Baby Party" (A Totally True Holiday Story)
As our legion of rabid fans will attest, we are loathe to share autobiographical stories. Why? Our life is fraught with embarrassments and banalities. There was that humiliating stint as a tap-dancing chicken. Recall the infantile tale of our bloody-...
Goodbye, Columbus...Hello, Thanksgiving
NEW YORK -- Salutations, bitches! After 10 weeks in dazzling Columbus OH, we have touched down on terra concreta. It was a good experience, fraught with ghost hunters, radio interviews, bike wrecks and martinis dumped into celebrity crotches. Click y...
...and the review is...
MIXED!!!! Here are some pull-quotes from the review in the Dispatch (the headline: "Weirdly Inventive 'Pangea' Ultimately Loses Spin"): "A wild and weird but fashionably cliched new play." "A flawed but interesting effort." "(An) adventurous and imag...
Another Openin' Another Show
COLUMBUS -- Greetings, bitches! Tonight our gorgeous play dazzles the populace of glorious Columbus OH when it opens at the Bowen Theater at OSU. Of course, we're terrified. However, we're also confident. We're very proud of it, and rather pleased......
A Postcard From the Battleground
COLUMBUS -- Greetings, dear readers! First, a heart-felt mea culpa for being so sporadic with our gorgeous blog postings. We have been swamped. Second, on the eve of that breathlessly-awaited day when God's favorite country will whether a doddering g...
Ohio-ho, Ass Punchers! It's a $@#&!? News Break with Sailor-Talkin' Sue!!
NEW YORK -- Once again, our favorite Tourette's-afflicted anchornegress (freshly recovered after having her potty mouth gang-soaped by The Peducah Praise Singers) has a hot-off-the-m*therf*cking-presses news bulletin she needs to share. We know bette...
Meditations on the Anniversary of You-Know-What
Tuesday night, following a nice meal of grilled chicken and pesto tortellini, we stepped out to our terrace, cocktail in-hand, to enjoy the warm air of an early September evening. Confronted by the jarring sight of it; those two monumental......
The Great Round-the-World Baby Attempt (or, How We Very Nearly Got Suspended From High School)
Here's the deal. We're still leery about telling personal stories. Our life is retarded. But Three O'Clock Chicken (wherein we bared our soul over our profoundly humiliating experience as a tap-dancing Gumby) was such a hit, we thought we'd give......
Three O'Clock Chicken
Dear readers, we are not the typical blogger in that we are loathe to share personal stories. We're shy that way, and frankly our personal stories are tedious. In general, we prefer to talk about other people, ridicule celebrities, expose......
Ahoy, *ss-Munchers! It's a #@!%& News Brief from Sailor Talkin' Sue!
NEW YORK -- Our favorite foul-mouthed anchornegress has alerted us that she has a news item that's hot off the g*ddamned presses, and we know better than to argue with her. Take it away, Sue! Hello, butt-bandits! I'm Sue "f*ck-me-where-I-poo"......
500!!!!
Whew! Damn, bitches. This is the 500th posting on Can o' Whup-Ass!! Guess we should totally make it rock. Okay...wait...okay. Inspiration will strike soon, guiding us to author yet another posting that's bound to make you cream your jeans, snap......
Ask Aunt Betsy: The No BS Zone (or, The End of Daze)
Hello-dee-o-do-do!! Gracious! It has been too long, FAR too long since Aunt Betsy spent time with her adoring readership. During my long absence, nary a day went by when I couldn't psychically detect your legion of pathetic voices, all clamoring...na...
Foxy News Channel: Foxy be Keepin dis Shizzle Brief, Dawgz
Somebody gimme a HO-oh! This be Foxy B, mo-fos. A bitch be checkin in for a minute to lay some shizzle on yo azz. Check it: da gay-azz Whup-Ass Master who run dis ass-lickin site be all sick n' shit......
