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Hostessing tips from Martha Stewart’s college roommate
Those intimate gatherings filled with sparkling conversation and mouth-watering morsels you always dreamed of hosting can now come together in a pinch without any of the help and know-how you normally rely on from some overpriced catering company. An...
Please welcome tonight’s guest
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honour to introduce to you tonight’s opening act. You know him from the small screen, the silver screen, the many magazine covers he has graced, well, I could go on but you’d rather listen to him than me, so I won...
I am Halloween, motherfuckers.
Break out your freaky pumpkins you sons of bitches because it’s time to scare the fuck out of people and eat shitloads of candy. And I don’t know about you, but this year I’m going make some fuckers crap their pants. In fact, I’m about to hea...
The 5th dentist
4th DENTIST: Jesus. You’re killing me here. Just say yes already. 2nd DENTIST: Seriously, what’s your problem? 5th DENTIST: I’m just not comfortable endorsing this product. I can’t in good conscience recommend it to my patients. Or to all of ...
My life as a crossing guard
Why, you may ask, would a young boy dream of growing up to be a crossing guard when so many other promising careers (janitor, drug dealer, paper shredder) had presented themselves to him? Beside the obvious power you can lord over children, there is ...
My rejected Penthouse Forum letters
Confection Connection We met in line at the Vanni Bros. Bakery. She was number 9. I was 13. The attraction was instant – if you saw her ankles, you’d know why. Our body language said, “How you doin?” but the flirtatious glances said more. The...
