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What once ensured that I sat next to the teacher is now published daily.
Recent Posts Tagged With 'i make stuff up'
Season’s Greetings from the Grabowskis!
Greetings, Friends and Family; and a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, a Joyous Winter Solstice, and a Holy Crap where has the time gone?! Seems like only yesterday I was saying to Hal, “Hal, where does the time go?”There’s so much to tell yo...
Screaming! Screaming for Bus Passes! Or, Hey! Didn’t That Guy Used to Sing With…
As has previously been reported, I used to be something of a metal head; and so you can (mostly) believe me when I tell you that no one was more surprised than I when Rob Halford got on the bus this morning.What do you mean, who’s Rob Halford? Jus...
Wherein I Try to Live Solely in My Head, or Who’s Walter Mitty?
Sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough retreat to the comforts of their own heads and drink bottles of imaginary beer there.This is not to say, of course, that I am not rooted i...
I Gotta Million of \'Em
I’ve got a great idea for a game show, one I’ve patterned on my life and the lives of the people around me. I’m quite sure that this is, as we say in Minnesota, a “big wiener”, so we should probably hug and say our good-byes now, as I expe...
What Am I Thinking? Oh, Not Much…
“The walk to the bus may have looked like any other, but Tuesday was the day that changed everything.”I’ve been known to narrate my life. Not aloud, of course, because that would be unseemly. No use in frightening my fellow citizens.And frankly...
Wherein Liza Bean Bitey Explores Her Creative Side
I found a slight smear of canned cat food on my keyboard the other day.Funny. I don’t remember eating cat food… There’s a new icon on my desktop: Haikus.Who can help but double-click?Little can, dumped inCeramic platter is niceWhere is the ga...
Another Fabulous Money-Making Idea
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Friday. You’re probably at work, aren’t you? I thank you. Someone’s got to do it. Me? I’d be working, too, if we were back to 100% time. We’re not, but why should that keep you from knowing what the week...
I\'m Having Dinner with Johnny Depp
So many things changed once I became internationally famous.Yoga, for instance. Sure, it’s still a big sweaty mess. Sure, it’s still packed cheek to jowl in that yoga studio, an exercise in concentration and, sometimes, forgiveness.It’s not jus...
If I Ran The World, Part Two
As many of my friends know, I carry a notebook with me at all times.You just never know when one will overhear a tasty conversation, see something humorous in the man asleep on the grass at the side of the road, or make petty observations regarding h...
They Won’t Die Unless You Remove The Heads
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 80% worker’s Friday, AKA “Thursday”. I'm Pearl, and I’ll be your host for this ridiculous little foray into silliness. Upon completion, you will be free to return to paying attention whilst attending mee...
The Great Blizzard of ’10, or I Won’t Have to Microwave My Co-Workers if I Plan Now
I’ve got two cans of soup in my desk drawer.I told Sandra the other day that if she should ever be stranded in this skyscraper of a building, I’ll bet there’s all kinds of goodies in them thar offices.She laughed because she thinks I’m kiddin...
Those Guys On the Bus Don’t Think I’m Cool
I carry a notebook with me, always. I realize that there are people who don’t – but what do they do when the ideas happen, when bits of unusual conversation crop up? Don’t tell me it goes unrecorded!Even on the bus, the notebook is always at ...
As A Matter of Fact, I Am NOT Ready for Work; or Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Admins
“Did you have a good weekend? You all ready for work?”Well, no. As a matter of fact, I’m not.I would love to tell you that I am. Ready for work, that is. But the truth is, I am woefully unprepared.I meant to be. I meant to be ready. But there w...
Why Don’t You Call – Right Now?!
Oh, hi! I’ve been waiting for you.Be honest with me – did you ever think you’d find your soul-mate at a bar? Me, neither.But on a 1-800 number? Oh, yes.So why haven’t you called? I’ve been waiting for you, and so have all my drop-dead gorge...
What Did You Get Me for Waiting-for-the-Barbarians Day?
Did you know that yesterday was Ball Point Pen Day?What?! You didn’t you get my Happy Ball Point Pen Day card? Dude, I swear I mailed one to you!But first things first.For those of you just joining us, I’ve fallen into the habit of using the so...
That Reminds Me – I’ll Have Several Large Rolls and A Shake…
Welcome to summer, season of fleshly exposures and frightened, abused clothing.Lady, what did those clothes ever do to you that you would be so cruel? That shirt – surely you caught it selling top-secret documents to the North Koreans, yes?I think ...
Inside the Boxing Ring. Chairman Mao: The Early Years*
Mao* was one of five, born to a young mother – too young, really – who left as soon as he could cover his own poop.After Mao’s mother left town (with a traveling basketball team, to hear some tell it) Mao went to live with his grandmother, Kitt...
Bananimal
Bananimal is a monkeyAnd for a monkey, he’s very well dressedNot a hair out of placeOn his neatly combed faceBut for some reason, our monkey’s depressed.He’s got the fine gloves and a hatTrousers pressed? No doubt about that!But our chimp’s ...
We’ll Always Have “Angel Heart”
By the time I had reached home, the TV had worked itself into a righteous, vigorous anger.Apparently word had reached it – and I’m not blaming anyone specific here but I do strongly suspect my laptop, a sleek sexy bit of an appliance who can’t ...
Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
I left work at 9:15 Friday morning, less than two hours into my day with the distinctly flu-like symptoms of the side effects of my new inhaler (Advair). Have you been on public transport, sick? A woman I knew ages ago told me how her mother always ...
Welcome To The Satellite Simba
A huge black Tom, post-boxing career, works the door at a Vegas casino.His name is Mao. “Welcome,” he says. “Welcome.” It sounds an awful lot like he’s saying “Meow. Meow,” but that’s to be expected. He’s a cat, after all, and h...
