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The People Behind My Eyes
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African-American female survivor of childhood and early adulthood abuse discusses life with Multiple Personality Disorder. This site details living plural. You'll see poetry, art and even humor mixed into a blog dedicated to healing.
Recent Posts Tagged With 'dissociative identity disorder'
This, That and the Other
I’m avoiding people for the most part. I seem very detached from most things and most people. A cat showed up a few days ago. I brought him in yesterday I think it was. I’ve been looking on Craigslist to see if anyone lost him. I’ll...
ONE
I remember this one. The first time I heard it I thought of myself, not of wars with guns but of life at home. When I hear this song as an adult I can’t help but see the dissociative me, the one who can’t remember things, the one who isn&...
My Physical and Emotional Stumble
I keep forgetting what day it is. All day I thought it was Friday but it’s not, it’s Thursday. This means I missed my favorite show. I got to watch CSI Vegas but half way through it I thought to myself, I should start getting myself ready...
Broken Boxer Syndrome
Having me back, up front and center has its drawbacks. Yes, I’m out to handle our finances and I’m out to manage daily things but I’m also here with detailed recollection of our dreams. This is something the others don’t have. While reviewing...
Screw It!
To not have Joan around has truly fucked us up. I WILL be smoking again. I’ve fucked up royally and I’m not even going to attempt to stay smoke free. We need that girl around. I’ve totally fucked myself financially twice now because...
No La in My Land
Everything is up in the air floating around like a bubble. I have no real grounding at all. It’s almost as if I have a grip for a few minutes then it all goes away out to la la land …..only there’s no la in my land, it’s just ...
STORY: Drive On
Lenora sat behind the driver’s seat unsure of her next move. To her traveling companion she said, “What now, Danielle? Do we wait or drive on? With near abhorrence in her voice she replied, “We’ve been here on the side of the road for 8 days....
Silver Box
Monday, September 21, 2009 – 9:18PM EST I wasn’t sure Dr. D was going to let me go home but once we got Maureen out we were able to walk out of there without being a ball of tears. I’ve got to figure out how to get Joan back out. It’s been wa...
Amy Smiles
She’s five years old and twin sister to Amy Pink. Both of their names are Amy. I have no clue why. Here’s the thing, for some reason Amy Smiles keeps popping out unexpectedly. Last night she was out while talking to a friend. I can’...
Thirty-Eight In This Body
It feels odd that I’m about to turn 38 years old. I think I expected to have a hard time this year because last year I was a tad bit depressed, but not so much this year. I don’t feel the dread I felt last year or shame for living. I don’t want...
DID and Digital Television
Once I was forced by our great government to switch to digital TV I discovered yet another DID anomaly. When I dissociate I lose the signal on my converter box. If I get too excited by what I’m watching , I get that stupid “searching fo...
Dream: Making Space and Surviving Pt1
The house in the dream was the one from the 4th grade, not a picnic let me tell ya. In the dream the house was on wheels but parked in the parking lot of where my mother use to work. Before I went inside the house to help everyone (the house was pack...
Dream Commentary: Making Space and Surviving Pt2
COMMENTARY: That was one incredible dream, just incredible. Some of the things that stand out for me are the obvious connections to the house I live in now and the condition of the houses I lived in as a child. The filth is very much the same. The mi...
When She’s Dead and Buried
The question was put to me, “I understand hypervigilance was imperative as a child and in early adulthood years but do you think its productive now? Do you need this much awareness in your life now?” My answer was this, “Yes. As long as she’s...
Dreams of Blame and Guilt
I had a dream that Fife Senior asked me to take care of his plants for a few months. I told him I wasn’t sure how long I’d be here. He seemed shocked so I reminded him that I’m moving. He got really angry and told me I wouldn’...
Teddy Bear Lost
The other day at the Disabled American Veteran’s discount store I realized Mousy wasn’t in my pocket. I freaked! I went around the store looking for him but I couldn’t find him. All these thoughts went through my head. What if someo...
I See Things
Since my therapist was sick on Monday I went in today and will return tomorrow. Several times while talking to him I drifted off in dissociation. Back at home I’m easily startled because I think I see mice out of the corner of my eye. Usually w...
“Goodbye Old Friend”
“Goodbye old friend.” That’s what Corey said to me when I got out of his cab today and came into the house. I felt horrible, stupid even because I didn’t remember a word of what he said he and I did in school together. He said we’d been goo...
Respect, Space and Boundaries
This is a follow up to the entry Mother’s of Inner Children. Other than that there’s no introduction paragraph. I’ve tried to keep my word with my little ones. I’m able to keep it in most cases with other people but I use to routinely...
Criminal Minds and Multiple Personality Disorder
I hardly ever watch Criminal Minds anymore because it’s so triggering but in a bored stupor I turned it on tonight. I got to the last 20 min of the show and realized it had to do with DID. I guess there were clues. The unsub talked about horrible h...
Life Without Joan
Dr. D says we could split Joan’s responsibilities up between other alters while we figure out how on earth to get her to come out without lighting a cigarette. The price went up with the new tax and that means less Joan. At first we only spent $25....
Talk To The Wall
In therapy today we talked about: Identifying with the aggressor. My sister’s milestone birthday. A very cruel comment made to me about my relationship with my abuser and those who watched it. Art therapy. Suicidal ideations. A car accident th...
Too Hard
Therapy: This shit is too hard. Therapy is too damn hard. I don’t go back until Monday morning. I don’t even want to deal with it. If I have anything to write before Monday pertaining to the last 2 sessions I’ll probably write it by...
Waiting Rooms and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Right now I have my typical pre-therapy jitters. Part of my anxiety is I know how loud the waiting room will be when I get there. In addition to the white noise machines which I find highly triggering there’s music pumped in, other patients mov...
DREAM: Backwards Motion
We were dancing. The only time we felt free to move was when we danced alone. A masked lady asked questions about DID but I had a hard time helping her understand it’s not always obvious when a person switches. She thought every survivor must have ...
One Angry Heifer
Dr. D said people who haven’t been through 1/10th of what I’ve been through would be angry. I figure I’m an angry person and a failure. Sometimes I get that way, I think I can’t do anything right and think I’ll never be ...
