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The People Behind My Eyes
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African-American female survivor of childhood and early adulthood abuse discusses life with Multiple Personality Disorder. This site details living plural. You'll see poetry, art and even humor mixed into a blog dedicated to healing.
Recent Posts Tagged With 'mental health'
This, That and the Other
I’m avoiding people for the most part. I seem very detached from most things and most people. A cat showed up a few days ago. I brought him in yesterday I think it was. I’ve been looking on Craigslist to see if anyone lost him. I’ll...
Broken Pieces
I saw my sister’s behavior as emotional weakness and I feel because of that “weakness” I was focused on for abuse more than she was. The mother said I was her favorite because I was a challenge. It occurred to me today that I blam...
Chatter
Sometimes I exhaust myself with my intensity of emotions. I think my adrenal glands have 2 settings, dead and full force. Lately it feels as if I’m either depressed or overwhelmed. If for some reason I’m at the middle ground it only takes...
Winter, S.A.D. and Global Warming
At the bottom of my entry I mentioned that I have a few symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I realized a few years ago that it was kind of creeping up on me. The symptoms are very much like that of depression but usually show up stronger during ...
Short Fuse
For some reason I’ve spent the vast majority of the day on the verge of tears. I have no idea why but they’re just behind my eyes. I can feel them waiting to spill but they don’t. I thought about how hard it was to keep my dinner ...
Thinking – A Ramble
All I have to do is get under the covers and go to sleep but I keep fighting it. I don’t remember what happened in therapy last Wednesday but I do remember vomiting. I hate that. I really do. My fuse is short anymore. Words like hate and slash run ...
He Smiled
I saw you on the news today. You’d just been arrested in connection with the death of a 5 year old little girl forced into prostitution by her mother. Two women in the doctor’s waiting room screamed at the TV as you smiled and grinned...
The Reflection of Two Little Girls
That skinny old man sounds like a stampede of spooked cattle as he runs across poorly padded carpet To open a door about to fall off it’s hinges. I hear it slam and think to myself, I hate him. —– It’s not the slamming door o...
Next on the Schedule
I had hoped to be able to schedule this MRI on a Tuesday so that I could go to therapy Monday, do the tests Tuesday then go back to therapy Wednesday. I figured after all that activity I’d be too dang tired to think about anything. I wanted to ...
Dr. D Therapeutic Performance Evaluation
Dr D. Evaluation For treatment of Faith-Magdalene Austin Evaluations such as this have been given to the last 6 therapists because I want them to know my observations concerning the professional relationship. This evaluation will discuss your strong...
My Physical and Emotional Stumble
I keep forgetting what day it is. All day I thought it was Friday but it’s not, it’s Thursday. This means I missed my favorite show. I got to watch CSI Vegas but half way through it I thought to myself, I should start getting myself ready...
Unresolved Trauma
Common Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma Anxiety A simple yes will do. Anxiety is a daily occurrence for me. Panic attacks. I don’t have panic attacks very often. See avoidance behaviors for why. Intrusive thoughts, flashbacks. These are very dis...
About Last Night
Last night’s fall was pretty bad. I’ll need to go in and see my doctor which may end up being at the same time as my therapy appointment. I hope to somehow schedule them on different days. I know doing them both in one day won’t w...
Broken Boxer Syndrome
Having me back, up front and center has its drawbacks. Yes, I’m out to handle our finances and I’m out to manage daily things but I’m also here with detailed recollection of our dreams. This is something the others don’t have. While reviewing...
Notes on Splitting
(This will appear as rambling. I just need to type up my personal notes about what I’ve been reading. I don’t mind comments on my notes.) I have a very difficult time distinguishing or drawing a line between myself and objects or even peo...
Just A Little Bitter
Cab driver: I don’t really have anything against ______ people. Me: What? Come on now. I’ve been riding with you for three years and know that’s a damn lie. Cabby Negative: No really, I just…. Me: Man you know you need to stop...
No La in My Land
Everything is up in the air floating around like a bubble. I have no real grounding at all. It’s almost as if I have a grip for a few minutes then it all goes away out to la la land …..only there’s no la in my land, it’s just ...
How Low Can I Go?
My self esteem is at an all time low. Having a date doesn’t help that either. I’m so nervous I can’t see straight. After I asked her out (yeah, I actually did that. I never do that) I all but ran out of the store and hid. I nearly t...
STORY: Drive On
Lenora sat behind the driver’s seat unsure of her next move. To her traveling companion she said, “What now, Danielle? Do we wait or drive on? With near abhorrence in her voice she replied, “We’ve been here on the side of the road for 8 days....
Silver Box
Monday, September 21, 2009 – 9:18PM EST I wasn’t sure Dr. D was going to let me go home but once we got Maureen out we were able to walk out of there without being a ball of tears. I’ve got to figure out how to get Joan back out. It’s been wa...
Bad Head
My head isn’t right and I know it. I’ve been switching all over the place and two specific little ones have cried and cried for days. Sometimes they’re out and the body just sobs. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted but I...
On The Verge
I’m on the verge of tears, on the verge of throwing things, on the verge of vomiting, of falling asleep. This line is too thin and it scares me to death. I think what frightens me most is how little control I feel I have over myself. Yesterday ...
I Am, I Can
Dr. D says I have been more reactive to the Fife’s lately. I agreed. They seem to really get under my skin in a huge way. They get to me so much so that I have to remind myself of a few things: I don’t have to show them how to set better bounda...
There’s Never A Good Time
Therapy thoughts and review for 9/9/09 Yesterday morning I talked to Dr. D on the phone then went to see my psychiatrist. I usually don’t work well with women providers but it seems this one will work out fine. I’ve had one other female p...
In Fertile Soil
As a child we moved almost every year, sometimes twice each year. By the time I finished high school I’d been to 14 different schools. We moved a lot! Mostly we moved to avoid social services but there were other reasons too, many of which I don’...
Therapy Fears and Thoughts
Dr. D, I fear I’ll walk into therapy, take what feels like forever to sit down and you’ll roll your eyes and sigh, “Here we go again.” I worry you’ll think I’m harping on being in pain. I worry you’ll tire of...
Sensitive
When it goes on and on like this…… They’re going to tire of hearing me say this. Lets talk about something else. Say something encouraging. Mention something minor, something people feel they can act on and fix. ….. I’ve...
DREAM: Family Meeting 1 of 2
The meeting took place in the kitchen of a house I don’t think I’ve ever been in. Everyone was stark naked, openly exposed as it were. I was dripping wet and toweled off as my mother made her announcement. The mother called the meeting to let e...
DREAM: Family Meeting 2 of 2
The full dream is written here. COMMENTARY: Before I went to bed last night I thought, man I need a good hot meal and a nice glass of water. When I had bulimia-like issues so long ago it was only junk food I’d keep down. I’d binge heavily and kee...
Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
One of the things I miss the most about being in a relationship is having someone next to me while I sleep. I miss having someone to hold and to lay close to. I miss snoring and cuddling. I miss closeness to something that doesn’t have fur. My ...
