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Recent Posts Tagged With 'humor quotes'
Classic golf quotes-Hit it
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook.. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ...
Funny thoughts-Spouse
If you want a spouse who is smart, rich and devoted, you are going to have to get married three times....
Sexual quotes-Peak
“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”- Rita Rudner (American Writer and Comedian, b.1955 Miami, Florida, USA)...
Funny thoughts-Political views
People who want to share their religious or political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them....
Humor quotes-Invented
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. - Lee Trevino ...
Political quotes-Human nature
A political convention is just not a place where you come away with any trace of faith in human nature. ~Murray Kempton...
Humor quotes-Stupid
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."- George Carlin...
Funny thoughts-Vitality
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them....
Humor quotes-Mutinies
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.-Jack Handy...
Funny thoughts-Nature\'s lesson
Nature does her best to teach us. The more we overeat, the harder she makes it for us to get close to the table....
Humor quotes-Bigger
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”-Jack Handy...
Classic golf quotes-Child in us
Golf appeals to the idiot and the child in us. Just how child like golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.- John Updike...
Funny thoughts-Real life
One very fine thing about real life, it gets my mind off all that suffering on television....
Sarcastic quotes-Religion
"Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man. living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these th...
Funny thoughts-Conclusion
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking....
Humor quotes-Abortion
"How come when it's us it's 'an abortion,' but when it's a chicken it's an omelet?"- George Carlin...
Funny marriage quote
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund....
Sex quotes-Without being good
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. - Jimmy DeMaret...
Humor quotes-Bad attitude
"Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like...
Marriage quotes-Curtains
In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!...
Funny thoughts-High jumpers
High jumpers do well at the Olympics because it's always on a leap year...
Golf quotes-Unanswered prayers
The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. - Billy Graham...
Sarcastic quotes-Vote
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno...
Funny thoughts-Pregnant
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment....
Sexual quotes-Enough blood
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."- Robin Williams ...
Life-How
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams...
Famous funny last words
-> Hey that's not a violin.-> I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.-> I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.-> You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?...
Humor quotes-Marriage definitions
BRIDE: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.COMPROMISE: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.DIPLOMAT: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat....
Funny thoughts-President
In America any boy may become President & I suppose its just one of the risks he takes....
Funny thoughts-Defining a bachelor
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.5) A person who belie...
