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affairs are wrong. Yes or no??
Posted by monsieursunset • 3/08/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: family, husband, Personal, relationships, sex, wife
Are affairs outside of marriage or partnerships wrong? any circumstances when they would be right? Have you a story to tell?
www.anaffairtoremember.blog.com
User Comments
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It's OK if it's an open marriage. if you promised to be monogamous however, I'd say it's not OK at all.
Really, it's a matter of keeping your word or not.-
Then it wouldn't be an affair. -
can you have an affair in an open relationship? Sort of goes against the concept of an affair?
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Most people consider any (romantic) relationship outside of marriage to be an affair, whether it's accepted by the couple or not.
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Sometimes they are right if its for me. But I cant accept if it was my partner saying this !-
why is it ok for you but not your partner? Why are there different rules?
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hahahaha, brilliant, this guy is living the dream. -
I think this is a cultural difference. In Asia, polygamy is a way of life in many areas.
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Because she is "MY" wife !
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But aren't you "HER" husband? Claiming she belongs to you isn't a strong line of reasoning. If you are from a culture where it is acceptable for men to have multiple partners and while women must remain monogamous, that is an actual defensible argument.
Like I said before, polygamy is culturally normal in many parts of Asia. -
@ Stillthinking
Where are u from ?? -
I am Korean, but I was raised in the US. I know that China, Korea, and Japan have long histories of polygamous marriage. It's only been in the last 100 years that monogamy has become more of norm.
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Nice knowing you. I'm from INDIA, the land of culture.
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Wrong! It's cheating!-
That's my take on it. If you'd call it an affair, it's wrong. If you have a partner with whom you have an open relationship (and, I assume, regular STD testing), you may be sleeping with other people from time to time, but then it's not an affair, it's just sex. If you have to lie about it, it's cheating and it's wrong.
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I would say that:
(a) Office affairs are ok because they provide entertainment for other people so it's like a form of charity in that sense.
(b) Affairs with members of partners family - not really ok but risky so kudos if you give this a go.
(c) Affairs with strangers - boring, been done before (a lot) so definitely wrong.
(d) Affairs with inanimate objects - totally wrong, possibly deserving of a kick in the shins.
I think that about covers it. ;-) -
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Wrong because of the deceit involved. -
its totally wrong..its cause negative consequences..nothing good come from this..fullstop. -
its totally wrong..its cause negative consequences..nothing good come from this..fullstop.
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Lying is wrong. If you're having an affair you're lying. Therefore having an affair is wrong. Simple logic.-
could be right Fatx but do others agree?
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wrong, wrong, wrong...once it is wrong, it is always wrong and could never be right. -
I think if you have promised your partner that you aren't going to have relationships with other people then it isn't fair to do so.
However, I think affairs are a very good idea and I don't think that having a relationship with someone else necessarily detracts from your relationship with your life-partner. I think the idea that we find absolutely everything we want from a partner in the same person a little odd! -
yes, it's wrong. and the fact that you even have to ask about it means you know it's wrong.-
I was not passing comment - simply asking for peoples opinions
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People who cheat are soft, weak, greedy people.
Theres no need for it.
www.richardsmalley.blogspot.com -
@monsieursunset: haha. sorry 'bout that. got carried away. i just really hate cheaters.
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thats ok!
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once a cheater, always a cheater.
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My spouse had been estranged by a minister but she still insisted on staying in the marriage, even though she had withdrawn from me for several years. People told me for years that I needed to divorce. By 1998 I did plan a divorce. But she still wouldn't leave till she could blame me. So I ended up taking a boyfriend who was a television director. The next workday, I was filing in the office. A coworker asked me how my weekend was.
I said, "O it was really good. After I dropped off those prints at Universal, I met up with this television director and we made hot passionate kinky love all afternoon!"
"You did not!"
"You're right. I did my taxes."
Of course I lied. But not about what they THOUGHT I lied about!
That year she finally agreed to leave. -
I really don't think we're meant for monogamous relationships. But we do it. Works for some but not for all. Who are we to judge?-
If you don't want a monogamous relationship, I don't see any reason why you should have one. But if you promise to do so, then either end it before starting another relationship or keep your word. To do less would be wrong.
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@Shoe girl
You're husband would probably glad to get you out the house. -
I'll get you out of the house. [raises shoe threateningly]
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There are many ways to hold up your part of the apparent bargain when you're married. You can cheat, lie about what you spent, how much you spent and make a promise and not keep it. There's also falling out of love but the financial and social pressures of staying married are rather prevalent. I wouldn't have an affair, not because I think it's wrong, but because I know that it would hurt the one I love and only because of that I wouldn't do it.
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Yes, affairs are wrong.These are against natural human life.It is man's nature to feel affairs as wrong.Those who think not wrong ,why do they hide their affairs from this or from that or from everyone. -
Always a no-no really, why would you get married in the first place if you wanted to cheat? -
if someone will cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
no thanks.-
Bingo!
***ding ding ding*** Ladies and Gentleman--we have a winner!
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so it's love at first but over time it goes and life becomes tough. you want to leave but can't due to family pressures and the cost of leaving - what do you do then??
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You either need to find a way to deal with your issues or leave the relationship. Your families opinion is irrelivent, you should be living yoru own life, not the life your family thinks your should be living.
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Unless you live in an agreed upon polymour relationship then an affair would be wrong because you would be doing something behind your others back which is being dishonest and hurtful.
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bec sounds like personal experience?
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It's not a terribly uncommon story you know.
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Of course it’s wrong since you are not being truthful to your partner.
That’s why I tell women that they need to get permission from the gatekeeper.
You have to have a dream LOL -
"People who cheat are soft, weak, greedy people."
That's quite a sweeping generalization, as well as a pretty damn judgmental statement if you ask me.
It takes two to tango; usually, when a spouse cheats (which I agree is weak, but we're human, and we do screw up; or maybe it's just me who holds humankind to pretty low standards), it's most times due to problems in the relationship, and relationships tend to involve two (sometimes more) people.
So yeah, the cheater shouldn't cheat, but from there, to assume that the fault is entirely his or hers is one hell of a big step that personally, I don't want to take.
No one EVER knows what's going on behind close doors.
As for the ones who say: "Why bother getting married if you're gonna cheat?", no disrespect meant, but it made me chuckle.
Usually, when people get married, they're in love and genuinely believe that they found their soulmate and they're in it for life.
I think it's great, and I also think that in most cases, it's utopic. Life has funny ways to throw curve balls at you, and what was valid last year or five years ago no longer is.
Relationships change, and a lot of people forget that for them to work in the long run, it takes effort on the part of both spouses. And if these efforts aren't made, sooner or later, poop will happen, and that's when bad decisions are often made.
the thing is, when people first get into marriage, they often don't consider that the way they feel as they're walking down the aisle might be different after a few years and a couple of kids.
I don't condone cheating, but it happens, and I don't believe that the cheater should be automatically made into an evil villain because they messed up.-
words of wisdom Salomey?
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Not really, just my honest, uncensored opinion.
Plus, I loathe generalizations with a passion, and tend to have a knee-jerk reaction when I encounter one. -
Oh, that's just bull dust!
When there is a problem inside a relationship, going outside to another romantic partner does nothing to resolve the problem, it just makes matters worse. That is the time that the partners need to turn to each other...with the help of a counselor if necessary...to resolve the issue and get the relationship back on track.
If either party thinks the issue is not resolvable, then ending the relationship before taking on a new one is the only honourable way to move on. Blaming the non-cheating partner...even in part...only gives a ready excuse for a so-inclined individual to cheat without guilt. -
Precisely, SweetViolet - if you have problems with the relationship, then either work on it or end it. Cheating can never help to heal problems between two people.
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I think it's one thing to address the apparent problems in the relationship, for both partners to admit their wrong doings, and move on from there if a mistake (affair) has occurred.
And another thing entirely to blame the need for an affair on the other partner.
Too many people have an on going affair, get caught, then turn around and blame their partner for forcing them into it because of X, Y, and Z. This is a cop out - while the partner may have treated you poorly, or become annoying, or whatever that doesn't mean that you are no longer in control of your own actions.
If the relationship is at a point where you are seriously considering having an affair - it's time to have the tough talk, and get it over with. Of which, two things will happen - you'll resolve the problems, and not cheat, or you'll get a divorce and not cheat.
Either way, you've taken the responsible road, and dealt with life's problems head on.
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anyone else agree with salomey? seems on the button?
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It's totally wrong! Me, I don't care if the man will cheat on me or not as long as I don't see him cheating on me... But once I caught him cheating on me, 3 words are enough, "GO TO HELL" then leave. ^-^-
Let this be plain, it is morally wrong to have sex before a marriage,and during a marriage when the sex is with someone else. If you are having sex outside a marriage it will fail. It isn't enough to say to your partner you will stay with them because your union is fractured and is based solely on the desires of the flesh. The Bible says that the flesh WILL fail you, to put your faith in man is folly. I reply to you "grace of Angels" because of both your sign on name and your comment, and I use this as an example. We are complacent with the world and it's easier to follow a crowd than it is to follow your own path. This is where the illusion lies because you begin thinking you're following your own path but it's the world you are following. Your sign on name is interesting because Gods Angels haven't any grace, they don't need it nor is it given to them; I realize it is just a sign on name to add character to your profile, but what ever we say is what we have in our hearts. grace is given to man because of their sin. Grace literally means gift undeserving. Please don't get me wrong, I am not bashing you, I am showing we can be easily decieved by our own understandings. In your comment you said you didn't care if your partner cheats on you just so long as you didn't find out. This is where you'll fail. You have already given him permission even though you would not be thrilled with the truth if he was cheating. Now because you have listened to your desires and not your spirit it may cost you more than just a relationship; he could bring to you a virus or disease because their is a silent agreement between you and your understanding that ignorance is bliss; this isn't so. Your ignorance could cost you your life or the life you bring into the world; Hence why the sins of our parents becomes our sins. You must reevaluate your relationship, I promise you, you will not regret it. If no one can Love your spirit first then they are not going to stay. -
I said that, i don't care if my partner is cheating on me as long as i never seen him cheating, it is because I trust my partner and I don't want to argue with him everyday about my wrong doubts. But if I caught him cheating on me, he just show that he don't love me and that he is not contented with me anymore, so why love him still? It would be painful for sure but I will choose to leave him and be free than to be cheated again because I believe in the saying, "history repeats itself".
About my name here, my real name is Grace, I just added the "of angels". ^-^ no comment about what u said about my nickname here.
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so if it is wrong, can it ever be right???
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I think Its totally wrong. If anybody have a relation outside of his marriage with out the knowledge of his/her partner his/her life would be miserable.
imyideas.blogspot.com -
is there such a thing as a good affair? yes/no?
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OMG do you even have to ask, because YES if you are married. . . in fact even if you're not married it's wrong. take a third person point of view at the married population today, most of them subscribe to these loose relations or have had an affair; does it LOOK like a good idea? There is a reason why marriage is set up the way it is. If you have sexual relations with the person you intend to marry BEFORE you're married plan on having a miseriable relationship too. Sex before marriage complicates things and sex in marriage with other people complicates things, you see it every single day, you would think someone would take notes. This is why Baby boomers have stayed in their relationships because they had/have a sense of morale. people today could give a fuck less, and in fact, they have! Promiscuity has been the foreground for everything in our lives thanks to media advertising: Beer commercials,clothing, makeup, magazines, music and its lyrics, etc, etc, we can't get away from it unless we were stranded on an island with absolutely no contact with the outside world! if someone says yes to an affair then there is something wrong with that persons heart -e.g.; moral decency-
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Wow...where have YOU been living?
Baby Boomers are the ones who escalated the divorce rate...it is our parents (I am a cutting edge Boomer) and grandparents who stayed married forever no matter what.
Boomers were the "free love" generation. Just who do you think wore the flowers in their hair, filled Woodstock, and populated the Haight? Which generation rocked to "Tune in, turn on, drop out"?
Promiscuity has a lot of faces, but the late Sixties and early Seventies were defined by casual sex: it was not until herpes... followed by AIDS...showed up on the sexual landscape that such words as "slut" and "player" reintered the lexicon. Up until then, the consequences of promiscuous sexual behaviour could be dealt with via antibiotics, birth control pills, and abortion...and that's just what we did.
Sex was used to sell back in my day, too. Remember the Gillette ad with Billy Rose's Stripper playing in the background, a beautiful blonde saying "Take it off, take it all off" in seductive tones? Fashion? We invented string bikinis and Rudi Gernreiches topless bathing suit was a Boomer item, along with miniskirts and go-go dancers (who quickly segued into topless and then nude dancers).
And lyrics! Led Zeppelin sang "squeeze me, baby, 'til the juice runs down my leg. The way you squeeze my lemon makes me wanna crawl right outta bed..." Got a clue what that "lemon" might be? Then there were drug songs...Purple Haze, anyone? And anti-establishment songs ("I shot the sheriff" "Eve of destruction").
Affairs are nothing new, either...they are as old as relationships. That is why ancient texts provide prohibitions against adultery...even coveting your neighbour's wife...and punishments for it.
As far as refraining from sex before marriage, my personal opinion is that such a thing is remarkably stupid. You try on shoes, test drive a car, listen to a single track, taste a new flavour all before you buy, and these are things that will be part of your life for a relatively short time, and which you can easily discard if they aren't satisfactory. A spouse is a much more important addition, much less convenient to discard if unsatisfactory, and so deserves a thorough testing period before signing on that intended-to-be-permanent line.
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so 2 different points of view. who is right? who is wrong? do both views stand the test?
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Why is it remarkably stupid, people are not shoes, cars, nor tracks on a CD . . . that just tells me you think of a relationship with a person as material; maybe not as easily discarded but non the less you would do so. I'm Christian I am assuming you are not; so if you take a secular view naturally the rest of the world that follows your idea is going to agree. The Christian point of view has been blotted out by the desire to satisfy carnal impulses and are often shunned for simply being Christian; because people in the world who have no God or believe in the understanding of other people, as soon as they hear you are a Christian they are set against you.
The entire idea to stave from premarital sex is to disobey your animal instincts and work out the differences in these ideas with your spirit, because a true "test drive" (as you elegantly put it in your post) of anything is to place it the fire. If it can withstand a test of one's conscience and reasoning, the desire you wait for is that much more rewarding when it is given to you. marriage is by a God a testament to not only setting aside your primal urges but at the same time you tell God that you honor the body and the life within that He has let you have. In return he gives your relationship protection for your carnal disobedience. Look around you, is too hard to believe that most of the relationships that go south are because they obey their flesh and not reconcile this desire with their spirit? A marriage is two made one; this also works when you have sex outside or before marriage. If the flesh is had no trial then you bring fleshly desires into any carnal relationship, creating more problems, because that desire is still their soon he or she will tire of what they have and go somewhere else to fill it. This is why Christ said drink from me and you shall never thirst. You take of the spirit, what the flesh desires becomes irrelevant thus the relationship will endure. Ask any failed relationship of the truth of why they split up and if their honest all will tell you they strayed in one fashion or another.
I realize affairs are nothing new, which is exactly my point. If all had obeyed what is written since the institution of spiritual marriage would their be divorce lawyers today? A better question is would we have half the problems we do today if people weren't as easily swayed by carnal things? Murders of passion, vengeful spouses, gentlemens club, strip bars, Hooters, etc etc. All these things were borne of carnal wants. Do you like being treated as something to just stick a male penis into? You condone those ideas by what you said, you can't except that? So if someone came up to you and asked if you would share a relationship with them under the condition that you perform in bed to their liking, would you do it? because that is something close to what you had just posted. Nothing is gained by the flesh. This is exactly why our children suffer, because our sins become their sin too. we teach them what we know, and if they see us bouncing from one relationship, or fling rather, then they believe this is o.k., because for the first part of their precarious lives we as parents are their Gods and they depend on us for guidance; thus the cycle repeats. And no you are wrong, Baby boomers have nothing to do with your decision on I would like to see where you have obtained your info. If you yourself are a baby boomer and you feel this way then perhaps their is something contrite in your spirit. Look I am the worse sinner I know so do not think this a testimony of me being better than you on the contrary. I became a Christian because Jesus himself said he did not come for the righteous which was part of the reason he was crucified. If you believe it's Okay to have sex before marriage then ask yourself if the person I have given myself to is not willing to wait than what more would they do if I wasn't enough? The flesh is NEVER satisfied, but if one knows you spiritually; especially as someone they love to be with, wouldn't that be a keener "test drive"? Think on it.-
1) not everybody is christian, therefore your arguments that include christianity/god/religion/dogma are pointless to anyone except yourself.
2) people are MORE important than shoes, cars, CDs...which is why we need to put more effort into preparing for the long-term relationship before it is formalized and deemed permanent. I might marry a man who is a schlub in bed, but I want to know that BEFORE I marry him...sort of "informed consent," you might say. If you'll put a car through its paces before you buy it...and you are only planning to keep it 3-5 years...why would you not want to know everything possible about a person with whom you expect to keep for ten times that time?
3) I don't think it is a coincidence that the Bible Belt, which preaches sexual abstinence outside of marriage, has the highest incidence of divorce and unwed teen pregnancies in the country.
Believe what you will, but belief isn't...and doesn't change...fact. -
Sounds as though I hit a nerve sweetviolet, It looks to me like you have something against Christians. About that turn over rate in marriages among Christians: It is in the bible that gives the promise of a good marriage only if the people that are wed have obeyed the spiritual law still standing, so in essence they were not Christian. You cannot choose to obey one thing and disregard another because it doesn't fit your system of beliefs. So in a way you actually proved my point. If someone strays from the laws given to all men and women they WILL fail. Another thing; You have no idea what those people are going through. You just readily spit out of your mouth with discussed only because they're Christian and it allocates you secular belief. So let's play the odds OK? How many Christians do you believe there are in the United States Huh? 4, 5, million maybe? Now how many of those do YOU believe are TRUE Christians? I rest my case . . . Besides, no one said being a Christian is an easy path, but that is part of the test. The teenaged pregnancies you also mentioned . . . these children are not isolated from the rest of your world violet, they eat the same food, go to the same schools, breathe the same air. . . that is a rather fruitless point too; so you believe that JUST BECAUSE they're raised in a Christian home they are automatically less susceptible to temptations; that a world much bigger than their own little home could possibly raise a barrier between them and a universe of sin? Wow, you have a almost supernatural view of what a Christian is . . . So I will ask you the same question you first asked me, "Where have you been living?"
Your answers you will twist and bend to your own design but it shows you no better than what anyone else would say if they share your beliefs, because you said it yourself not everyone is a Christian but that is why they fail. Your Quote: "As far as refraining from sex before marriage, my personal opinion is that such a thing is remarkably stupid. You try on shoes, test drive a car, listen to a single track, taste a new flavour all before you buy, and these are things that will be part of your life for a relatively short time, and which you can easily discard if they aren't satisfactory. A spouse is a much more important addition, much less convenient to discard if unsatisfactory, and so deserves a thorough testing period before signing on that intended-to-be-permanent line."
So what did you mean by "Thorough testing" EXACTLY? Certainly not a Christian one. So let us use your definition of the idea of refraining from premarital intercourse because you did in fact try to contradict yourself in your last post making sure to illustrate one of the underlying flaws in YOUR idea Christian beliefs which is you cannot control instinct; that it is 'human nature' to behave as one does and should not be ridiculed by these actions. I know you didn't state verbatim what I have said but it is certainly in your use of words.
You said it was remarkably stupid; remarkably - 2 dictionary results
–adjective 1. notably or conspicuously unusual; extraordinary: a remarkable change.
2. worthy of notice or attention.
STUPID –adjective 1. lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.
2. characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish; senseless: a stupid question.
3. tediously dull, esp. due to lack of meaning or sense; inane; pointless: a stupid party.
4. annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.
5. in a state of stupor; stupefied: stupid from fatigue.
6. Slang. excellent; terrific.
There is quite a few definitions to choose from. let me help you out. We (by 'we' I mean Christians) are notably dull minded for thinking man should turn away his carnal yearnings. Does that sound close? No, that isn't it . . . Hhmmm, I think it is TROUBLESOME to you isn't it?
You have a chip on your shoulder against christians and it has gotten considerably heavier since I responded to your first post. It took a bit to come up with your retort, I'm guessing you refined it several times before posting it, In fact I know you did. You like to make people think after you have stated something whether it be written or spoken. You don't like however people making YOU think it belittles you somehow, you feel challenged and off-centered because you think you're on a higher plane of awareness than everyone else, even your closest friend. Your friends, especially the ones that depend on your advice would probably see you in a new light if they were to witness your reaction to my posts. I think it goes deeper still, I believe this angers you because I'm male. Funny, your idealistic views are from someone who hasn't posted their actual picture! I have nothing to hide. You really need to think about your next post violet, you're not dealing with an amateur who suddenly folds because someone states what they think to be facts or has the backing of an entire secular world to advocate their ideas. I have made my living studying people and what indeed hinders progress in everyday lives and I have found no better mentor than Christ. His teachings are sound and it harms no one but those who despise his teachings.
To Answer Monsiersunset's question, no it has not run its course, you have only started. This is to every one of you. If you truly cherish the one you are with and understand love isn't material or fleeting that it requires a surmounting, and often exhausting amount of patience, vigor, and mostly obedience to one’s spiritual self. If you obey any notion that quenches the flesh then you have not obeyed. Love is the only well that cannot be dug by human hands. I'm not asking for you to dust off your penny loafers and start practicing hymes. It is simple, who is a better teacher, the world . . . or someone who cannot fail you?
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From Wikipedia - 'Cheating' is an act of lying, deception, fraud, trickery, imposture, or imposition. Cheating characteristically is employed to create an unfair advantage, usually in one's own interest, and often at the expense of others.[1] Cheating implies the breaking of rules.
Sounds wrong to me.
Some couples allow sex out of marriage. Some have full relationships outside their marriage. I think that is just fine and dandy if it is o.k. with them. People can do whatever they wish as long as they don't hurt others. Keep truth and all is good. Marriage is about partnership and love and trust. Different people with different lifestyles will see the rules in different ways.
I'm not sure how I take the word affair these days. It doesn't work for me. If I use it in place of the word cheating then I say it is very bad, very wrong and gross to have an affair. -
Wrong. Answers to any problem in a marriage lies within it and not outside the walls of the relationship. An affair gives exponential growth to any problem. -
so, it's a question of morals? Right?
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and what should guide those morals?
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At the very least it's a broken promise.
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Doesnt take a genius to tell that from your three discussion topics so far your having relationship troubles. If anything it suggests that you are either in a rut or its possibly hit the wall, and you have your eyes on someone else.
But thats just obsevational guesses...
I'd be inclined here to tell you that rather looking for answers on a social blogging site, actually talk with your partner about how you feel.. unless of course you've already started seeing someone else. In which case it could already be over. Because no matter how many people answer this question with a "yes" or a "no", the only answer that truly means anything is the answer from your partner.
However, if you are enquiring before actually having an affair (and i somehow am sceptical of that too), then Id tell your partner how you feel about your relationship and then seek relationship guidance if required.
Either way, i have to agree with Authoress.. -
just curious...killed the cat of course!
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so where did this discussion get too?
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any more views on this or has it run its course?
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Marriage is a vow to the one you marry - not every tom, dick and harry or tina, deanna and mary you come across. -
@creemos
I agree -
To cheat is only human (although a really painful process especially for the egotistics and leotards); But being mushy or anything, if we're involving heart here, and the lesson's learned; then to forgive is also only human...
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