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Another poem!

Posted by jollybee • 8/05/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: establishment, poetry

I don't have a lot of readers (actually, I have none) on my newly created poetry blog, so I hope people here can tell me what they think of it:)

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If intentions only came with sorrow
And not with pride at their existence,
And want, with tearful determination to have it seen
Blurring the search for others with similar intent,
Maybe, solitude would lead the way,
And roads we start could end,
Could end with the ends fulfilled.

Maybe if affirmation were not needed,
Or were forced not to be needed, in a pinch,
Mere talk of a bright future would never surface,
Revelling in the relief of common thought
While time ticked at the flesh of the poor,
Would not be here.

Then maybe we ought all to stumble in the dark,
Stumble toward the light.

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www.maltthinks.wordpress.com/

User Comments

8/05/09

ismsandologies

I dig the tone of the poem, and the structure of "if"s it begins with. But, because the Elizabethans often started with "If", I expected it to be in iambic pentameter, and it almost was(though closer to hexameter). I know poems are about personal expression, but sometimes limiting your form can bring out your creativity. Have you experimented with many different forms?

[reply]
1. 8/06/09
  
  jollybee
  
  Thanks for pointing this out. No, actually I don't do much experimenting, which I really should. I tend to just write what is instinctive, which is probably the lazy way out:)
8/05/09

Jaybetee

I have to say I really like the meter and the flow of the poem. It has good rhythm.

I'm not sure I get it though. That is not a criticism; I may be missing something, but I just don't "get it."

One thing I noticed grammar wise is that in the second stanza you mention to affirmation and then in that same line and in the next use the verb were. Affirmation is a single thing. So I would use "was not needed." However, being a poem and not an essay you may have chosen that word on purpose. Just thought I'd mention it anyhow

[reply]
1. 8/06/09
  
  jollybee
  
  Thanks for the comment!
  
  I think my problem is being too obscure unintentionally, especially when I fixate too much on using literary devices and making my poems sound 'right'. This time I thought I was writing a lot more naturally and less artificially, but I definitely still have to work on communicating my ideas sufficiently clearly.
  
  And I guess I used 'were' because 'if' made it a conditional statement (www.englishforums.com/English/Conditional/crwvd/post.htm), but thanks for pointing it out, because I wasn't very self-aware when writing that line, and consequently didn't think much about it.
8/05/09

Jaybetee

have you submitted this blog to BC? I didn't see it on your profile page?

[reply]
1. 8/06/09
  
  jollybee
  
  Nope, I haven't submitted it yet. I used to post poems on my main blog from time to time, but very recently decided I should consolidate them on a single other blog dedicated solely to poetry. I'll probably add it soon:)