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Anyone Wanna Hear a Scary Story?
Posted by lotusb • 8/19/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: bugs, short stories
I guess this is kind of shameful blog promotion, although I will cut and paste it to here, cause I know I'm usually too lazy to click on people's links...hee hee:
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A Giant Cock...
Short story, won't take long:
I woke up this morning feeling pretty refreshed. I had a nice long 8 hours, and before that an awesome dinner consisting of all my favorite vegetables and a new kind of lemon tofu I was trying out. I already knew what I was going to wear; the whisper blue slacks I hadn't worn in months and my favorite puff sleeve black sweater (its cold in my office). All was right with the world.
I walked into my bathroom and turned on the shower. As I waited for the water to turn hot, I pulled out my new clay face wash and mask that I'd gotten from Organics and smeared it all over my cheeks laughing at my crisp white face in the mirror. Ahhhhh, Wednesdays, I thought to myself.
I turned to step into the shower when all of the sudden a giant cockroach the size of two conjoined black olives scattered from the drain pipe and started bolting up the tile in my shower.
Blood curdling screech.
More screeching.
Running out of the bathroom screeching.
Then into the kitchen, clutching my boobs as if they could save me.
There was not a man in sight. All I had in my defense was an extra large can of Ant & Roach spray that I bought when D accidentally brought me over a baby roach infested bag of rice (which I forced him to drive all the way back and dispose of).
I held that can of Raid as if it were my only hope of infinite life in the face of Armageddon. I doused the criminal with the Raid and screeched as it fell to it's doom in the half water-filled tub. I watched as it struggled and twitched in the water, then gave up and let death rescue him from his misery. I was triumphant.
"You know roaches can hold their breath under water." Tim said this morning after I replayed my horrific bathroom battle to him while we stepped into the elevator.
"I know.....
........like....for how long?"
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lotusb.blogspot.com/2009/08/giant-cock.html
User Comments
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Reminds me slightly of a time when I was house sitting for a friend in Florida.
The day after I arrived, I had to get up early to take the friend and his wife to the airport. I went into the kitchen to put the coffee on; found the coffee maker, took the pot to the sink and started filling it up with water.
Hanging up in front of me was a set of lace curtains. As I looked up momentarily, I saw what looked like a 3 inch long cockroach hanging off the fabric.
I blinked. "No," I said aloud, "I must be dreaming."
I went back to filling up the coffee maker.
I looked again. It was there still.
"OK," I said, "I'm not dreaming."
My friend arrived and informed me that it was a Palmetto Bug, a common hazard in that part of Florida. The old "Death by Phone Book" method worked best in this instance.-
They're all over Georgia, too. The summer between my second and third years of law school I did an internship in Augusta, and still remember my first experience with Palmetto Bugs...and the fact that when I took my dog out late at night and all was quiet, I could HEAR them walking around in the grass. -
Palmetto Bug???? IS this some kind of warped cross breed of mouse and roach? 3 inches you say?
Since moving to TX I've learned that not only are the roaches in Houston the size of mice, but they FLY.
THEY FLY!!! -
@MadameX
I'm not squeamish about such things, but I'll stay in Britain, thanks.
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@Green
I think I'll relocate...Britain you say? -
@lotus
Yes, our insects tend to be of manageable size. -
I do prefer step-on-able bugs...
Not bugs that hold their breath and come back to life after faking their death... -
@lotus
I have yet to encounter a bug in the UK that didn't die after being whacked with a newspaper and then subsequently flushed down the toilet.
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Oh my lord...freddy cruger has nothing on that!!!-
Right??!!!
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Yah...we got roaches like that here in South Africa...
My experiences with those horrid little nasties are primarily from my childhood in beachside San Diego, where they were as common as ants. They like the dark and run like hell when you turn on the light and show your large human-sized body...
Not so in South Africa. My first encounter with a roach here was when we moved into our present house. We came to paint a few things before the moving van arrived with our stuff. I walked through the dining room and turned the corner into a hallway and there, about 6 feet away from me, in broad daylight, was a roach the size of Manhattan. OK...it was about 3 inches long.
I stood a moment, waiting for it to scurry away like proper roaches do when they spy a human. But this is South Africa and I think someone forgot to give the roaches here the playbook because this gargantuan example of the species began running AT me!! I took off running, my screams following me, until my husband caught up with me in the patio.
He thinks I'm crazy because in Durban, his home town, the roaches are even bigger AND THEY FLY!!! {{{shudder}}}
Hans, the bug man, is on my speed dial now, and he comes every six months like clockwork. I haven't seen a live roach in years...-
OMG...
It ran AT YOU!!????
Bless your courageous heart.
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LMAO you hold your boobs too when you run? Oh lord we girls are funny!!
anything smaller than a chihuahua i will not touch. i am afraid of bugs and cats.-
Cats, Lolita?
Really?
I'm afraid of bugs of all shapes and races. I screa, when Lady Bugs land on my arm
Just because it's a "lady" does not give it the right.
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I have to take my time to read headlines. I thought it said, "A Giant CLOCK".
Well, I actually clicked on your link and it was pretty scary. I don't mind them but I hate centipeids. I hate them with a passion.-
Yea them too...I was actually thinking of those before I turned on my shower and saw the perp.
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I used to work at Wendy's. I went to put my backpack away in a closet. I saw a huge bug run for the closet. I yelled "What the h--- was that?" Someone said "A roach." I replied are you "Sh------ me?" Usually, I don't curse but in this case it seemed appropriate.
A few weeks later I saw an enormous fly.
My huge unanswerable question is what the heck is up with WV? All I need now are rodents of unusual size and Hollywood would be knocking. -
Give me snakes,spiders,alligators... a cocka roacha...that's the reason I married
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I hear ya sister...love me some bug-squashing men.
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YUCK! And DOUBLE YUCK! I hate bugs--to the point where I am almost phobic about them. In fact, I have written a couple of blog posts about my fear of bugs and phobias--and I discuss the traumatic experiences I had with NYC cockroaches, which are as big as small pets and who brazenly walk across your walls and floors, just double-dog daring you to try to kill them.
Which brings me to the fact that NYC cockroaches are nearly impossible TO kill. I distinctly remember spraying them until they were coated with RAID (they just lick it off their backs, mmmmmmnnnn dinner!). Or beating them with the New York Times (the little roaches cry out in delight, "Beat me, whip me--YES!).
GAWD, I really hate cockroaches.-
Melinda...I hate to tell you this.
Take the typical NYC cockroach and add 5 lbs. I remember thinking nothing would ever be worse than the roaches in NYC.
Then I moved to the south. An honest realistic discription of their size is the size of your index, middle and ring finger side by side. No joke, that's actually how large they are here.
Now...sleep well.
And LOL@ your S&M depiction of the crucifixion of a cockroach. -
Lotus, you describe my Cape Town cockroach size well.
I've been to Durban numerous times and haven't seen their legendary giant flying roaches, but both my husband and his mother assure me they are real. I won't let anybody kill the geckos that come in through the air vents because they kill bugs...my geckos are about 4" long on average. The Durban geckos I have seen are TWICE that size, so I shudder to think how many bugs they must be eating to get to that size...and how BIG they must be!!
I do not do bugs...just do NOT!
And don't even get me started on the spiders!! -
Double post...dang, I hate when that happens!
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@Lotusb--I am *never* moving to the South! (Darn it--I was hoping to retire in Key West!).
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I have 3 cats, i refer to them as my bug/roach task force. I havent seen a roach in months! My cats first torture the bug for a good while and then kill it.-
I have a Yorkie...they were originally bred to be ratters. She's still a pup, but a fierce little thing, and has "killed" a whole collection of small stuffed animals already!
I am hoping that when she finally meets one of our mouse-sized roaches, her instincts will kick in and she'll massacre it...I am allergic to cats... -
Im sure she'll take care of things
my cats would go nuts with mouse sized roaches hehehe
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