Discussions
are open relationships considered cheating?
Posted by mizzeboni • 7/01/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: cheating, fidelity, love, relationship
I just did a blog about open relationships to see if people thought it could be seen as a form of cheating.. check the story out @ youspeakonit.blogspot.com, I would love if I could get your opinions on the subject by commenting on my blog but if you would rather leave them here then that is perfectly ok
User Comments
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- I am speaking from the Canadian perspective. Here church and state actually are separate.
Open marriages are contracts made by two adults; the terms of which are negotiated between couples. Hence the terms vary from couple to couple.
The preoccupation with so-called "cheating" is a throwback measurement based on an apples to oranges comparison of religious vows to civil arrangements.
In fact, statistics reveal that in Canada common law relationships tend to last longer than "marriages" do, and also that there are more older commonlaw couples here than there are younger ones.
Here we also have same sex marriages. And, in all cases the vow to have sex only with one partner (monogamy) is NOT compulsory at all. It may or may not be included as a marriage, vow as a part of the contractual terms agreed to between couples, as they so choose.
My husband and I wrote our own marriage vows over 30 years ago now. We were married in a church (The United Church of Canada is the largest church in Canada) but as legal requirements do not include vows of obedience or monogamy and as we did NOT wish to make such vows, we did NOT include them. In fact, if we had been compelled to include such vows we would have chosen to continue being in a commonlaw relationship instead.
For my views on monogamy and polygamy please see my comments in this thread www.blogcatalog.com/discuss/entry/do-you-believe-that-men-are-born-polygamo...-
Question: are open relationships considered cheating?
- Answer: By whom? Provided legal requirements are met, and aside from the adults involved in the relationship of equals, what business is it of anyone, including the State, what contractual arrangements those adults make?
(See my comment immediately above for more clarity.)
IMHO the obsession with judging each others' relationships and sexual business is extremely unhealthy. It's frequently an indication of voyeuristic (voyeur = an obsessive observer of sordid or sensational subjects) and neurotic (neurotic = a person prone to excessive anxiety and emotional upset) preoccupation that can be indicative of a need for therapy. -
o_o.... omg, I'm going to end up being a commonlaw spouse! I've been with my fiance for awhile and I don't want to get married for another 10 or-so years. -
"In fact, statistics reveal that in Canada common law relationships tend to last longer than "marriages" do, and also that there are more older commonlaw couples here than there are younger ones."
Interesting. Maybe it forces a couple to really sit down and discuss with each other how their relationship will play out, and really think about their relationship in a way that a married couple might not.
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No. An Open Relationship implies that you've already agreed to change the rules.
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If you play monopoly with a friend and decide ahead of time that you only pay rent the third time you land on someone's property, and then play by that new rule although it's not how the game was made originally...doing so is not considered cheating.
Cheating in any circunstance is going against predetermined rules or guidelines..if the guidelines are to sleep with other partners, than doing so is not cheating. Period.-
That's an excellent example, and precisely my take on the question.
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I think all relationships are based on,respect, honesty and consent.if you break the rule than that is cheating.-
... if you break the rule than that is cheating.
Agreed. If and only if the contractual (verbal or written) agreement between the contracting adults was to remain monogamous can having sex with another be considered to be a breach of that contract.
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Cheating requires lying. If you're not lying than is it really cheating?-
If you're not lying than is it really cheating?
- If you agreed to remain monogamous and later choose not to be bound by that contractual term, and you tell your partner that you are having sex with someone else, it's your partner's prerogative to decide how to respond to that situation.
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- Also, the presumption that one is only able to truly love only one other person at any given point in time is erroneous. It stems from the misbegotten and romanticized notion that there's one and only one soulmate for each of us in this life. Rubbish!
While it may be true that most people are too insecure, and immature to well and truly love more that one person at any point in time, it's likewise true that many secure and mature couples have had and continue to have more than one relationship simultaneously, within which all concerned are happy. -
You have lied in the form of telling or implying that you will be faithful to them forever. The degree to which you lie is all that varies.
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If you are in an open relationship it isn't cheating as both parties have consented to the arrangement. As soon as your intimate contact with another person transgress the realm of just the physical to the emotional then it becomes cheating.-
Nah. When you allow your partner the physical realm you have to allow for the emotional realm as well because its attached to the physical realm. Anything that affects somebody affects their emotions, and that includes (definitely includes) sex. Why do you think kissing is such an important part of dating? Sexuality is not only physical, it's also very spiritual, so you can't have it both ways.
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Cheat-
transitive verb
1: to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2: to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
intransitive verb
2: to be sexually unfaithful —usually used with on
Ok, i found these two definitions on merriam-online dictionary. So im posin another question!! Ok, if you agree to the open relationship BUT DID IT UNDER THE FIRST DEF (it was done by him or her deceiving you or influencing you in order to agree to it) is it still not cheating?
And if you read the second intransitive verb def of "cheat"- is it still NOT cheating??
check me out @http://youspeakonit.blogspot.com-
I don't understand your question. If you CONSENT to an open relationship, where is the deceit and deprivation? How does someone trick you into consenting to an open relationship?
"Cheating" - or more specifically, infidelity, is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder happens to be the two people in the relationship. By definition, and open relationship has different sexual and emotional boundaries than a traditional relationship. More specifically, an open relationship means (generally) that conquests or pursuits of a sexual or romantic nature outside of the relationship are acceptable.
Thus, not cheating.
Why is this even a question?
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I highly doubt you read my post Anok, soooo until you do then you can comment.. BUT since you want to comment anyways. I raised the question because some people can see it one way, other people see it another. Have you ever visited a mobile kiosk in the mall? lets say a tmobile dealer- they try and deceive you by saying they are just like tmobile, offer the same rates and plans as tmobile, have the same phones as tmobile. And despite better judgment some people go ahead and take the sales pitch and get phones from them. They do not realize that the "authorized dealer" has a whole seperate contract that can charge you for changing your plan, which tmobile does not do. They have a cancellation fee in ADDITION to tmobiles and so forth. Im pretty sure you are educated, you get the point.
My point is that,the dealer wheeled these people into going along with a plan under false pretenses= DECEIT! That was my point. You can be manipulated into things. Just because you agreed to it, how is that you were not deceived in doing so? lets think about it. Just like some guys deceive girls into giving up their virginity (and someone would have to be an IDIOT to think that it didnt happen), it happens!
And for other clarifications.. go to my blog to check the full story out like i advised people to do, thats the reason I posted the link.-
Yeah - I seriously hope people are not treating their relationships and the decisions made about their sex lives like a sales pitch at a Tmobile kiosk.
An open relationship is just that. In a mature relationship boundaries are discussed and formalized by the people in the relationship. If the two people agree that they are free to see other people while still being a couple (IE, an open relationship) then they have not been tricked into it. They have discussed, and consented.
It's obvious that you want people to agree with you that it's cheating. However the very nature of the type of relationship prevents it from being so.
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an open relationship is an open relationship, it couldn't be cheating
and it is not OPEN to the scrutiny of others-
Agreed so why this is a question at all is beyond me.
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would you like me to explain it?
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interesting article, the emotional connections are always more dangerous to destroying relationships. The sexual thing is sort of meaningless. (Meanwhile the Panda runs out the door hiding from the backlash)
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i respect everyones opinion and by clearly stating that i see everyones point of view to those who commented on my blog, even the ones who felt that it wasn't cheatin. i only posed my second question from a different perspective and my response was to clarify that question. If you think i want everyone to agree with me why would i have posed the question? why haven't i trashed anyones opinion even though EVERYONE feels its not cheatin..ok...so? I am not in an open relationship so why would i care that deeply about if people felt it was cheatin? I only asked peoples opinions and what they felt about the situation and that's what i got..you can't go into any discussion believin that everyone will agree with you Anyways! done with that.. loved your comments they are great and very well thought out.. and comparin it to a board game was very different lotusb! loved it you would never think about it that way..that was ingenious. and to clarify some that did not even read my blog all i said was that Personally its not for me.And if this was not even questionable why answer? there are plenty of other discussions.
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A lot of people pose questions that they want to hear specific answers to. this is common. No one here was even remotely confused about the question, so posing it another way to "clarify" it is usually an opening in hopes of changing the general feel of the answers.
Everyone here has stated that an open relationship is not cheating by the very nature of the relationship. Every relationship has boundaries set forth by the couple involved in it (that includes ALL aspects - physical and emotional).
If the person or people in the relationship has not taken the time to think through their choices, or does not trust their partner, although they consented to the prescribed boundaries, or does not understand the boundaries or nature of the relationship, then it is their job to clarify, consent, or leave.
I still don't understand how a person can be "tricked" into an open relationship. Is the person not in control of what they consent to? Are they unclear of what an open relationship is?
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Anok, I completely agree with your answer. I've agreed with everyone's answer. I stated that this was something that was not FOR ME. If I pose a question saying that SOME PEOPLE think its a form of cheating and that I would like to hear people's OPINIONS, why would I need to have them feel my way? Why even ask the question but rather just spill out what I felt on the situation and never ask what others thought? I clarified because you asked me specifically, how can people be deceived. If you took me explaining it to you in a different perspective as not clarifying but simply trying to "push" my opinion that I never once stated in this post (and I know people didnt even go to my blog to see my opinion-because I said was it cheating from the aspects presented there, thats why I told people to read that first), even in response to other's replies, then that is your decision to think that way. Not judging. People get manipulated in relationships all the time. You just asked another question, but answering it wont do me any good because I would just be trying to "push my opinion on you".
And for those who may be confused, if you see the discussion section its under, its called shameless blog promotion. I asked this question to get responses but also promote my blog. You see? This is going somewhere it was never intended to go because people are completely trying to read into what I am doing for some reason. Instead of asking me my opinion they sit there and tell me what Im trying to do. Even though in my comments in my blog I clearly say "I love hearing all the different viewpoints" to those who did not agree with me and posted it at 11:45 this morning!
Thanks for all your comments and discussing it with me, appreciate it. Bye. Off to the next topic-
Actually, I thought the use of the definitions was your clarification of the original question - not your response to me.
Why did you post the definitions? How did they change the question? Again, how does one get tricked into an open relationship? (or any relationship for that matter)? These are things I don't understand. I can understand getting into a relationship understanding certain boundaries, and then find that your partner has crossed those boundaries without your knowledge, but that is a far cry from being tricked into a relationship of any specific openness.
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Definitions of open marriage on the Web:
* Open Marriage - a marriage in which each partner is free to enter into extraneous sexual relationships without guilt or jealousy from the other
* Open Marriage - a marriage of two partners that is not sexually exclusive, but permits either or both partners to have other lovers outside of the primary relationship
* Open Relationship - a form of polyamorous relationship in which there may also be other lovers who are not partners in the given relationship
Styles of open marriage are distinctions between open marriages based on the motives for participating in open marriage and on the nature of extramarital relationships. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_marriage_styles
Relevance - As long as no laws are being broken what relevance does anyone else's opinion on the contractual arrangements (verbal or written) between the two consenting adults have? I say - none at all.
And, why would you seek out the irrelevant opinions of nosy parkers, who ought to have no opinions at all about the private affairs of other consenting adults? I don't get it.
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