Discussions
Are you tolerant or do you just pay it lip service?
Posted by mommatalks • 5/12/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Tags: tolerance
I just wrote a post on this because of the way my daughter was recently treated. Just curious if you really believe you are tolerant of other's differences or do you just say it because it's politically correct? Have you ever been mean to someone because of how they look?
My daughter handled it much better than I did. I'm curious as to how many of you have been treated poorly because of how you choose to look or dress?
I swear I think my blood is still boiling. My Momma tiger came out on this one for sure.
www.mommatalks.com/2008/05/tolerance-dont-be-cruel.html
User Comments
-
I'm tolerant of tolerance and intolerant of intolerance. Mostly, I don't care.
I'm open-minded, but I'm not undergoing a lobotomy. -
Anyone who pierces their face does so to get attention. Decorating one's body by face piercing and/or by visible tatooing are both voluntary acts that any reasonable person knows, in advance, may lead to the receipt of negative feedback. Your daughter got attention she was seeking in the form of negative feedback. The customer exercised her right of free speech so, what's the problem?-
So you say. And for the record, my daughter is not an attention seeker. My daughter thinks it is beautiful. Course maybe your belief that anyone that has a piercing does it to get attention from others is part of the problem. I agree that a customer has the right to have an opinion. I said that people don't have a right to be cruel.
Edit: And by the way, I had my ears pierced when I was in 2nd grade.
I thought earrings were beautiful. I didn't get them so others would
pay me attention! -
aren't you being intolerant of cruelty?
lol
CRUEL PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS TOO -
No, Thats not true, TT. Note even close to true. Please stop encouraging false stereotypes -
Although I think the woman was rude, I also think she had a point.
Sorry 'bout that, but lip-piercings, tongue-piercings, and for that matter, split tongues, are a bit off-putting.
Plus, I've been in a position of trying to understand people with metal in their tongues - and it isn't easy.
I'm sure that your daughter has a wonderful personality, but she'd better get used to having a few people react to her in a frank and candid way.
Me, I grow a beard (optional) and walk with a noticeable limp (not so optional). Both oddities have drawn negative and 'hurtful' remarks. But, some people are like that.
Does accepting that some people can't keep their impressions to themselves make me 'intolerant?'
Maybe not.
Consider this: I'm trying to show tolerance toward both your daughter and the woman whose appetite she killed.
-
-
That woman should have gone to some of the "punk cafes" I've seen. People cooking while smoking fags, long hair, infected piercings, look like they rolled out of a skip, etc...
-
I am always tolerant. I'm the type of person who doesn't want to hurt other people's feelings though they have caused me too much pain and embarassment.
We must mind our own business. If it doens't affect me, why bother? -
@mommatalks
(1) For the record IMO you are not in a position to speak on behalf of your grown daughter. She's an adult, who can speak for herself.
(2) I would accept your statement that your daughter was not attention seeking if she had chosen to pierce a non-visible part of her body but this is not the case. She chose to create a pierced metal mouth that's front and center when people look at her and I think we can safely assume that she knew some people would not view her metal inserts the same way she did.
(3) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and when normal looking girl chooses to insert metal into her face then the beholders have the right to respond what they see. In the customer's estimation the result was not beautiful and she said so.
(4) Did you secure your daughter's permission before blogging about her experience before you blogged it?
(5) Do you have her permission to discuss her experience on this forum?-
oh come on, timethief, I think mommatalks is being perfectly reasonable!
-
Do you wear visible jewelry for attention? Do you choose your clothes based on attention? Do you style your hair for attention?
Do you judge others and tell them they are disgusting for the way they dress?
Do others do that to you?
Free speech is great and all, but just because you want to, doesn't mean you should. There is still a thing in society called MANNERS, too bad don't seem tot have any anymore.
The woman in question was wrong, and asking a blogger whether or not she had permission from her daughter (whom you did a fine job of speaking for - considering you don't even know her - as well as the millions of other people on this planet who have piercings) will not change the fact that what occurred was intolerance, and rudeness. -
timethief: I have no idea how to respond to you. So I won't. You've stated your opinion and that's that.
-
-
I have had my fair share of the same reaction to the way I look. I am tolerant of how people look with very few exceptions. (and those are rare!)
These people are cold hearted, and losing out, in my opinion.-
Anok, I'm sorry you've been subjected to intolerance. I just don't understand it at all. Where is this rule book that says we all have to look and dress exactly alike or we deserve to be subjected to cruelty?
-
People are scared of what they don't know or understand, so they tend to cling to rampant stereotypes, and use false justifications to act in a manner that isn't normally accepted by society.
Someone has to be the social leper, as it were. AT least, that is true in societies that reward the the people who work the hardest at being dishonest, ruthless, and greedy - rather than focus on those who are kind hearted, and accepting.
Oh well...c'est la vie! -
Somehow though I have a feeling this woman could be a rude type no matter how a person is dressed. Really this is just par for the course when working with the public (not saying it is acceptable) and learning to handle it with grace is one of the best lessons your daughter can have. while she is learning grace, what do you think is happening to ms.nasty pants, you think she got what she wanted?
As my daughter used to say at Disney when faced with irate grumpy rude guests, "have a magical day". The experience served her well. -
I agree, she's prolly just a mean old bat....too bad, really.
-
It's the mask. People must think you have something to hide.
-
-
I have piercings and tattoos, they are not to attract attention they are there because I like them.
The woman could of kept her disgust to herself, I wonder why she felt compelled to speak to your daughter in such a manner.
I personally find people with camel toe offensive but I would not approach someone and tell them so.-
I find Castro hats offensive but, wait, forget it...
-
It is a hiking hat
-
yeah right, Fidel. pull the other one, you commie, it's got bells on it!
-
You got me, Claire. I don't know why someone would feel the need to be cruel.
and lmao on the camel toe comment -
I think sometimes it is a power play or a need to make themselves feel good by putting someone else down. Some people just like to be nasty, sigh!
-
Its more telling about their personality I think
-
-
My daughter did the piercings and she understood that some people did NOT like it and learned to handle it gracefully. Sounds like your daughter did too. The customer has a right not to like something (and many view piercings in food service industry as a hygiene issue and not presentable) but how the customer behaved in my view was rude. To me it is more about a customer being rude than intolerance. Do customers not have a right to not to like something and speak with the manager about it?
-
yeah, people also have a right to STFU. Which people should generally exercise more.
-
Yes they do have that right. When the service or product is bad, or unreasonable - not when they don't like the "look" of an employee.
She made that comment about a girl who had piercings. What about a girl who wore a cross pendant, or goth ring, earrings? What about a girl with short hair, a guy with long hair (so long as it's tied back if health codes warrant it) or an older woman with clearly died hair? What about a man with a beard, or a woman with a mustache she opted not to bleach or shave?
That's intolerance.... -
I agree with what you've said, Anok. I think you state it much better than I could. Thank you.
-
what about those 'orrible balaclava-wearing waitresses?
-
daniel23: What's a balaclava?
-
some commie-terrorist thing.
-
That's kind of what I'm wearing in my avatar - it's a head covering (although mine is a make shift one made out of a winter hat, and neck warmer )
Daniel
-
I guess I didn't make myself clear, the customer has a right not to like it, I didn't say she had a right to be rude about it, or direct her comments towards the daughter.
-
Ah, gotchya!
-
-
Anok...I think I love you! You've said it so well. Thank you.
and daniel23...that didn't tell me a thing...lol -
Oops...if admin is here somewhere I just accidently hit the report button on someone's comment. I meant to hit reply. Disregard if you can do that...sorry.
Anok, thanks for clearing that up. I didn't realize he was teasing you. -
Hey I have gotten flak in my day, and get it now and again because women of my age shouldn't wear this or that or whatever. If it's not piercings, it's something else. Really, one just has to give a christmas smile and mutter under one's breath oh go to hell.
-
Working as manager in the service industry for many years we were subject to many comments about our appearance, however in this case the woman was taking it too far by complaining to the manager and owner, knowing from experience if offered a free meal her intolerance of facial peircings would soon disappear. I agree she is entitled to her opinion, and perhaps could have handled it better.-
I really didn't have a problem with her not liking my daughter's piercings. I believe she has a right to her opinion. I had a problem with her feeling that it was okay to be cruel. And it is amazing to me how many people think it's okay to say something like that with regards to piercings, but would be outraged if they said that about her if she were 100lbs over weight.
-
@cayasm
I have worked in the service industry and I have experienced rudeness too. Yes, the customer could have handled her response to the piercings better but the point is that she didn't. So the real test was that when a customer was rude to her yesterday the daughter was resilient and self confident enough to get on with her life. Today, the daughter has no problem.
-
-
The most discriminated against people today are hoodies
-
daniel, thanks for keeping me lighthearted!
-
-
comment removed by the community.
-
yeah, you're probably right.
-
-
I'm very tolerant. I gained that attribute at a very early age. There are some really ignorant, close-minded people out there and you just have to keep it moving and be thankful that you are not one of them. I would have missed out on a lot of great experiences had I been an intolerant person. -
BlueSunshine: Live and let live fits this situation perfectly. Thanks:)
highlyfe: I think it's great that you learned tolerance at such a young age and I agree that I too would miss out on alot of special people if I let their appearance stand in the way. Thanks. -
I'm sorry your daughter had to endure the ignorance of someone as ridiculous as that lady. How crude.
I read your article in your blog and saw the picture of your daughter. You should be a proud mom!
I had an interesting experience somewhat related last year. I took my family on a one year trip around the US. Before and while traveling, I decided not to cut my hair. Prior to that, I always had a short haircut (even had a flat top on several occasions). While traveling all over the US, I got some interesting looks and reactions from people simply because I'm an adult male, father, and I had long hair in a pony tail. I can only imagine how much worse it can be when, by choice, you choose to have piercings or tattoos (I have neither). Anyhow, it was an interesting experience to observe people's reactions. It was just long hair on a guy. My pony tail is gone now...cut off a 12" section and donated it to Locks of Love. Not sure if I'll ever grow it out again...but ya never know.
Tell your daughter to enjoy being herself!-
Hippie
-
Hey, Don...I was for a little while, haha. Now, I'm off to listen to my Bellamy Brothers Greatest Hits album. "He's just an old hippie and he don't know what to do..."
-
-
I am SO moved by the story of your BEAUTIFUL daughter with the most kind face, that tears came to my eyes. AND I jumped up and down over your words:
"....but I was so disgusted by this woman's attitude. The sad thing is too many people in this society are just like this. It's okay to be mean and cruel to someone who's different. We all must conform!!! Well, I say "bull" to this attitude."
GOOD FOR YOU!!! I am so glad you were there for your daughter and that you are as insightful, honest, loyal and free thinking as you are. I am SO SO SO proud of you. I am sending you a big ol' hug.-
TimMc: Thank you so much for your kind words and relating your own story. I think that every story we share about any form of intolerance can only make people more aware and perhaps some day everyone will be truly accepted as they are and not how others think they should be.
p.s. I think it is wonderful that you donated your locks!
Rainforestrobin: You made me tear up with your sweet words. Thank you so much for seeing what i was trying to convey about her. I'll take that big ol' hug and I'm giving you one as well.
To all of you: Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and opinions. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to share. It means alot to me.
-
-
I think it takes a lot of mental energy to actively hate people. There are a lot of things which you can do with that mental energy like taking care of your family or yourself. Most of the time I just don't care. Tolerance or intolerance are irrelevant. I take people as they come based on how they treat and react to me.
Once again, actively looking for ways to categorize people and making up stories about how they will act based on those categories takes a lot of time. I try to strip down my assumptions to a set of basics that aren't hateful. Undeerneath it all people are basically human and want to be treated with dignity and respect.
This means finding out the way they want to be treated. It is not about how you would want to be treated. This is a very self-centered idea. It is about how they want to be treated based on their culture and background. -
We all make choices in our lives, and we have to live with the consequences, be it good or bad, your daughter made the choice of wearing her piercings to work and a customer made her choice of remarking on them, maybe not in the most kindest way.
Your daughter knew before she wore them that there would be people who would not like them (just like when we make lifestyle choices, there is always going to be someone who disagrees with our choice).
What has impressed me about this whole thing is that your daughter handled herself with maturity and grace. She obviously “learned” how to do that with all her other "experimentations” on her style and remarks she has had from them...
She also didn't get to know how to handle disagreements with grace all by herself, and you being her mom has been one of her greatest influences, so please instead of being angry at the customer, who may have lacked manners even if she felt her words were said in the best of intentions.
But rejoice in the fact that your daughter is a very stable, well-adjusted, young women, judging by her reactions... That may have something to do with her upbringing!!!...Good Job Mom! -
I want to say in advance to my statement here that I really appreciate the compliments to myself and my daughter. I am very proud of the person she is. And I don't want to be argumentative, but I just feel the need to express myself one last time. And I'm hoping that I haven't misunderstood anything.
Articulates said, "We all make choices in our lives, and we have to live with the consequences, be it good or bad..." and "Your daughter knew before she wore them that there would be people who would not like them (just like when we make lifestyle choices, there is always going to be someone who disagrees with our choice)."
Why? Why should my daughter, or anyone else that chooses to be different, expect to be treated any differently than anyone else would be? Why must she conform to someone else's vision of beauty or run the risk of being treated poorly? Maybe this belief that people who choose to be different deserve whatever they get is one of the problems in our society today. Maybe if we all said "to each his own" and "you should always be yourself" and really meant it this world would be a better place.
I understand that people have different opinions, different likes and dislikes, different beliefs, but that does not give them the right or excuse to foist those beliefs on others or to be rude and cruel about it. And if they don't know you, I really don't think they have a "right" to say anything at all.
I guess I will never understand. I embrace other people for their heart, their spirit, for who they are inside. And I really mean that...I don't just pay it lip service. I might be shocked by someone's choice because it is a choice I would not have made, but I would never feel that it was my right to tell them what I think. And I would certainly never be mean about it. (I'm assuming their choice doesn't hurt anyone) I just don't think it is my right to judge people at all. Lord knows I have enough flaws on my plate, I don't need to be eating off of someone else's!
Anyway, so that's where I stand and I really do appreciate all of the contributions on this thread. I always enjoy when folks can come together and discuss diffent topics in an intelligent way. Sometimes when I'm passionate about something I tend to ramble. I apologize in advance. I will make this my last post on it so if anyone else posts please don't feel bad when I don't respond. I just don't feel that I can contribute anymore than I have and I don't want to get caught repeating myself or sounding argumentative.
Take care.
I'll see you in the other threads! -
Typically, when you encounter someone who's just openly rude like that, or blows something small all out of proportion, you find they approach life like this.
So the same woman who was rude to your daughter, probably cut six people off in traffic, insulted a few others and generally causes havoc where ever she goes.
It's more of a statement about that woman than it is your daughter, especially since the woman had to go so far as to speak to the manager about your daughter's piercings.
Some folks just aren't happy unless they're stirring things up. That's what it sounds like your daughter experienced there.
It doesn't make it fair or right. But it might help you to know any number of people are probably the target of this woman, based on her behavior. -
So I got my comment removed which makes me wonder if some of you support this bitch of woman giving this young girl a hard time.
-
maybe it was the use of foul language?
-
I thought bloggers were supportive of free speech?
Sorry if I get a little fired up over folks who are intolerant in this day and age. -
I think the C word is probably too offensive and you should back some of that fire.
-
Too offensive? I prefer the term "overly descriptive".
-
-
I think I'm tolerant, mostly because I've been the object of ridicule, especially as a kid. I've always been overweight, and as a kid it was horrible. I learned to develop a thick skin, a sense of humour and a good attitude about who I really am.
What's most frustrating to me is that even now at the age of 45 I still get those remarks. Trust me, when it happens now I often confront the person and ask them why they think it's okay to make those kinds of comments about me. I try to be respectful but it's not easy. Most people turn on me and think I'm just being rude. Yeah, I'm the rude one ... defending oneself is not being rude. They just turn it on me because they don't want to face the reality that even though they're an adult, they're behaving like a kid in the school yard.
Sometimes when I hear people say things and I don't confront them it's mostly because I can't be bothered wasting my time on such a moron. Altho, the urge is always there to ask them why they think they have the right to do such a thing ... and I sometimes think that by saying something they may think about what they're doing and gain some insight and not do it again ... altho I know that's doubtful. Mostly it just makes me feel better
Add Your Comment
Login to leave a message.
