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Ask aunty Sam
Posted by Sam1982 • 6/18/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: advice, agony aunt, ask me, fun, General
I haven't seen much of an "Agony aunt" thread here before, so I'm taking it upon myself to start one.
You ask me for any advice you want and I will try and answer it for you and give you the most sound advice that I can possibly give you.
User Comments
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Dear Aunty Sam
I have been having a terrible year. I lost my job, almost lost my apartment, gained a bunch of weight, have no friends, and now my cat has cancer. How can I turn this around? Please help.
Desperate and sad Cat Mommy in Chicago-
Your kitty has cancer?
I have no advice, only hugs. {{{{hugs}}}}
Oh, yeah. and move out here, where you can find like minded people willing to barter
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Yes, her biopsy came back and she has carcinoma. The vet has no idea if she has two months or if she has a year. So, I am trying to come to grips with having to say goodbye and just make her remaining time with me as comfortable and happy as I can.
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Spoil her rotten is my advice.
I'm sorry -
Dear ST,
You need to find a man - preferably one that enjoys preferably a Vet who owns his own clinic, he loves exercise and has a big house. This way he can fix your cat up, can help you with weightloss, and he'll have a nice place for you to stay.
You may think that finding this man is impossible, but in my opinion believing is the key to success. You never know you may find him in the least expected place - he could be the guy living down the road that you'd never noticed before. -
*sigh*
That's what everyone else is telling me too.
*shakes fist again* -
Not that I've tried it but have you tried making up one of those Dream boards or Goal boards where you cut out and paste goals - cut a photo of the house you want, car you want etc etc and have it hanging somewhere where you'll look at it everyday? It's "supposed" to work. Positive thinking and thought projection, that sort of thing.
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Actually, that is a good idea. Thanks Aunty Sam! I will do this.
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Sorry to hear about your cat.
I recently bought a zapper which reportedly cures you of any parasites and even cancers (the zapper technique was successfully used by mainstream medecine for treating tumors in Australia last year). I have read about pets being cured of their cancer.
Here is a random article
www.naturalbodyhealing.com/parasite_zapper.html
Something you may want to look into.
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Dear Aunty Sam,
My husband and I lost our jobs too and looks like our house will have to go up for sale within the next month.
We have no prospects and no place to go.
We too have no friends.
We too have gained weight and are losing hope.
Please help!
(Sorry about your cat Sad Cat Mommy)-
Yeah, I was coping pretty well until the cat thing. That just drove me over the edge. She's my baby.
*shakes fist at sky* -
Dear Cathy.
The key is to make money doing what you love and feel strongly about. Two heads are better than one so with the help of your husband I'm sure the two of you can come up with a plan to get ahead again - start your own small business and let it grow.
Failing that theres always a new life in Dubai - They're tax free as far as I know, the only catch is that they're hard on women there, so you're husband would have to do all the money earning on his own and you'd be stuck at home with the housework and cooking. -
Thanks Aunty Sam,
We are actually trying to do that (I am creating and selling on one of my blogs)
hmmmmmmmmmmmm you just may have a knack for this!
Dubai sounds no diffrent than here lol.
I can't wait to hear what you tell dbowles1017! -
See above post to ST, this could help you also - a contant reminder of your goals will help you work harder to achieving them and it may even help you achieve them faster.
Be sure to include both long term and short term goals so that you feel rewarded for achieving even the easiest goals you've set and so that the long term goals don't seem so far away. Reward and self encouragement is what will keep you going.
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Dear Aunty Sam...
I have a growing growth on my leg. It is black, gooey, and sometimes moves on it's own.
Do you think duct tape would work better than the baking soda I'm currently using to try and get rid of it? Or should I just cut it off?
What do I do if it starts talking?
Thanks,
Leggy in New England.
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Dear Anok
Gross! have you alerted the border security and military forces yet?
In all seriousness though I would have it looked at by a doctor. Failing that do a bit of DIY and try burning it off with dry ice.
If it starts talking I suggest you go out and rent the movie brain damage its about a little talking worm that latches on to the back of its host and gives him LSD trips in exchange for the host bringing it victims home so that it can eat their brains. Cant remember how it ends but it could be of some help to you -
Oh, well I'd gladly exchange bodies for trips.
I mean..what?
Damn, I'll have to alert national security! -
I would also do some research into morgellons disease too - just to be on the safe side.
www.morgellons-disease-research.com/ -
Eew! eew ewwe ewwwewewewewewewewew.
I have the heebiejeebies now.
I don't ACTUALLY have a moving, talking tumor on my leg that I am treating with duct tape! Man, note to self :self, do not be a smart ass with a Kiwi, he will gross you out until you stop teasing him.
*shudder* -
Yes, we're responsible for splitting the atom yet we dont run our country on nuclear power - don't forget that
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Dear Aunty Sam,
Are you ducking for cover yet? lolol-
Dear Cathy
Just about!
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Dear Aunty Sam,
I was buying some new jeans the other day, and I saw this MILF. She was with her 3 kids. Is it appropriate to hit on a MILF when her children are present?
Thanks,
Bob-
Dear Bob
I have plenty of experience with both MILFs and Cougars. My answer is that if there is no ring on her finger then she's free for some of the smooth moves. Its not always easy for a single mother to find romance.
I suggest brining up spongebob, little einsteins, handy manny or mickey mouse clubhouse or ben10 as possible icebreakers.
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Dear Aunty Sam,
I am married with a child but I have to beat away other ladies with a stick. What can I do to make the opposite sex less attracted to me?
Thanks,
God's Gift to Women-
Dear Gods Gift.
You're on the right track.
I mean, its normal to feel attractive to the opposite sex when you're in a relationship, blame it on your natural musk.
Women are like that at times, they like a challenge and will even resort to chasing after men who are already spoken for.
My only advice is to smile nod and go about your merry way and don't give in to temptation. Think of your child and his/her feelings if your wifes feelings arent enough to make you think twice about giving in to other women.
If all else fails take these women shoe shopping, they'll likely think you're gay.
Failing that still, if you can't beat them - wear a nice dress and join them. -
Thanks! You are good at this...
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It could almost be the start of a new blog - who knows
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now THAT is a good idea!
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Watch this space....
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what space?
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I'm making a blog
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nice...at first I read that as 'I'm making a bong.'
you should ask the people here if you can start your blog with what is already in this thread -
Maybe he edited it. It probably was 'bong' first.
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Dear Aunty Sam,
I am power walking for 26.2 miles in a flimsy hoochie bra, as I had no time to decorate the bra that actually fits me. Will this cause me problems?-
2 words- bleeding nipples.
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I could wear plasters over nipples?
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I've done that. Elastoplast are the best.
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Bleeding nipples was not on the list of ailments I expected to get because of this ruddy moonwalk.
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Dear Crpitt
Photos or It didnt happen......
I mean, um, yes it probably cause some problems and certain discomfort. It will probably damage the bra also, so when it actually comes to the time when you need to wear a hootchie bra you will be forced to wear a sports bra. -
thank God you are back! I had no idea what to say other than the suggestion of going topless
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Well I needed a pink bra fast and they were only in the naughtier section so that will have to do
I have vaseline to prevent chafing to. -
Nursing pads would also be a must I would imagine
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Replace the vaseline with udder balm. Udder balm is the way to go - trust me.
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At the very least, bandage them.
This is a weird conversation. -
Im sure it wouldnt be too hard to find someone willing enough to give them a good massage
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Good Cotton Sports White BRA ---- Cheap Red Clothing that is cotton (not polyester or rayon.)
Wash together = Pink Bra (most of the time when hubby does the clothing.)
Or - buy a pink dye for really inexpensive coloring - usually takes vineagar and or hot water.
Luck to ya! -
i agree
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reported!
and following...
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I see that - thanks
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hey so do my question but better this time!
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Ok will do
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nice! by the way the first time was awesome but I know you can make it better...there is always better.
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I've posted it now, pretty much the same but I just fleshed it out a bit more.
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cool! I will check it out.
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that is awesome! I love that picture.
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Great Idea Sam.
So where do we go to find the secret of life? Here or your blog?-
You can see the blog in the above link - but I'm just waiting for it to be approved here before it appears on my profile.
The secret of life?
In my opinion it depends on what you're looking for in life but also It pays to realise that there is more than one secret to life - the answers are infinite. The more you learn throughout life the more secrets you uncover. For example, when you learnt to walk you dicovered what "it" really was way up high on that benchtop that you couldnt see before when you were crawling.
Seek and you shall find -
HUH??????????????
Okay, where do I look!
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Aunty Sam,
I hope you can help me! I am writing on a discussion thread for help and no one is helping me!!!
What to do, what to do.
Should I ask advice from Cooking Asshole instead?-
asking advice from me is the last thing anyone should do!
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Cathy,
Must have missed the question, where is this cry for help that you speak of?
Cooking asshole is good for advice on cooking, especially when it comes to bacon and sweet potato chowder.
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Good advice!
Thanks a lot! -
Just under an hour left before I leave for the day - is there anyone else who'd like to contribute?
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OMG --- ROFFFFFLLLMMMAAAAOOO
This is GREAT!
"I don't have any training or PHD, but I have enough life experience to spin some serious bullshit that will end up making a lot of sense."
Too funny Sam, just rock the heck on!-
It never hurts to help
And honest is the best policy after all haha
Im here for another 20mins if anyone else needs advice.
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Have a very good night Sam - and don't be surprised if you have a LOT of Questions waiting in your queue when you get home.
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hmmm i think also...
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Dear Aunty Sam,
I am about to fly over a thousand miles to spend three days with my relatively-estranged family and will not have a car. Is it rude for my children and I not to answer the phone in the hotel room when we get too overwhelmed, if someone else is paying for it?
Hesitant Reunion Participant-
Dear Hesitant Reunion Participant,
That all depends on what the hotel room is like, who'll be calling and how well stocked the mini bar is.
I assume that your intention is to avoid the family get together and that's why you don't want to answer the phone?
Is it too late to use the excuse that you and your children flew "that thousand miles" (sung in the tune of the hit proclaimers song) in an aircraft that was riddled with swine flu infected Australians - therefore you have to stay in quarantine in your hotel room for at least 72 hours before you're safely cleared.
Did I mention the mini bar? alcohol and tinned macadamias are the best cure for swine flu did you know?
best regards
Aunty Sam -
Thank you for the fabulous advice. Unfortunately, there was no minibar or macadamia nuts. The children and I spent vast quantities of family time, much of which was dull or frustrating in the extreme. For three days, I could suck it up and hold on to the smile (read: grimace of pain). All things considered, it could have been worse.
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Dear Aunty Sam,
My apartment has been taken over by crocidile people who stand on two feet and carry Orange Grenades and spikey metal armor. They claim they just want to drink my whiskey, but all the people on my floor have disappeared and all that seems to remain are tattered remains of clothing and shoes. What should I do? -
Hi Jeremy,
Its time to put the crack pipe down my friend and eject season two of "V" out of your dvd player. May I also suggest that you give world of warcraft a bit of a rest - that game can ruin lives.
But In all seriousness though, I wouldn't trust the crocodile folk - from what I've heard they don't even like whiskey so I wouldn't fall for that kind of nonsence. It's just like the hot blonde from across the hall inviting you in for "A cup of coffee", all they really want is to eat you up and spit out the bones.
I suggest you grab the keys to the General and hightail it the hell out of town, locate agents Fox Moulder and Dana Scully and use them to help you save the world from the crocodile invasion.
All the best in your quest.
Regards
Aunty Sam -
The....erm doctor is in
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Dear Aunty Sam,
I have this weird rash. It showed up after I had relations with a lady of the evening. I can't go to the doctor. And I can't find previously mentioned lady of the evening. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
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Dear Anonymous
Was she any good? Is she worth finding? Any relation to "leggy in New England - aka Anok, whereby I can suggest you research morgellons disease www.morgellons-disease-research.com/, on that note is there anything you two may like to confess to the discussion boards before I continue?
Right then
Are you sure its a rash? I'm assuming lipstick remover isnt going to fix anything?
You know, back in the oldendays a good cure for a rash would be the removal of the infectious bacteria via vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush or pot scourer, however I'm assuming that this method may cause you some discomfort so as far as the rash goes the best thing for it is to lather up in lanolin oil - the stuff that you get from sheeps wool. I'll leave that to your own interpretation but I am in no way suggesting you go and steal Welsh mans date.
As far as finding the "lady of the evening" you may want to do a little undercover work, even if it means mucking in and doing a few jobs yourself and working out the area and local haunts. You never know you may have some customers who may even recognize the rash that can point you in the right direction.
Best Regards
Aunty Sam-
You need to put these on your blog. Hilarious.
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Just posted it now - with reference to the Leggy in New England post
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The Doctor is in.
In other words, Im bored and I'm offering a bossum for you all to cry on.
Please feel free to let me know how you all are feeling. -
Aunt Sam, what happens when you die? -
Dear Aunt Sam:
My cat has halitosis. It is causing a great deal of problem with my friends and family. Sammy wants to entertain people with his endless operatic cat meowing and though it is cute it can sometimes be a source of major social issues among my clique. I have tried everything, from buying the best tooth brush to getting him to floss after meals. I have also attempted to have him ingest mints but still the problem persists. I love Sammy but I can't risk being embarrassed again like what happened last Christmas. Please help me.
Respectfully your's mr baxteria-
Dear Mr Baxteria
Your cat has a cool name, big ups to that!!
Hmmmmm wondering what happened last xmas though? Did you give him your heart? and the very next day did he give it away???
Now, halitosis is pretty common in domestic animals, after all they do lick their privates.....and some are flexible enough to reach the area just below the tail.So when you say things like "Wheeweee Sammy your breath smells like Sh!t" he's probably thinking "You don't say Sherlock!"
So for starters I can suggest placing a cone over his head, the ones that look like lampshades. But I best you're wondering how Sammy is gonna clean himself - well, I suggest dimming the lights, throwing a hot chocolate vinyl on the player and serving up a tuna dinner for two. Now before you get worried (or excited - I don't judge) I suggest inviting the hot piece of fluff from next door over to join Sammy for dinner. Now, one thing is gonna lead to another, Mrs cat from next door is going to find Sammy's new hat a bit of a turn on, and she's going to tell him how much she likes the smell of his musk, he's going to complain about not being about to reach certain places and then she's going to want to do her best to help her new friend. I call this process "Cat scratch fever".
After a few more of these play dates with Mrs Cat from next door, Sammy will get used to the routine so you can remove the cone, because I'm sure he'll be well in the routine of assuming the position whenever she comes over.
So where do you win in this game?
Well your actual neighbour from next door will have to put up with Mrs Cats bad breath, and Sammy doesn't clean himself therefore will have breath fresher than a daisy.
Hope this helps
Aunty Sam
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Dear codesucker,
A very good question indeed,
But In which sense do you mean I wonder? By asking "what happens when YOU die" did you mean what happens when I (myself) dies or did you mean "what happens when you die" as in "what happens when WE die"
So in answer to both questions: What will happen when I die? Well, because I've been such a good boy here on earth spreading the all the love that I can give and offering only the best advice that I can to the needy I'm sure it will be enough to cancel out all the bad things like ritualistic sacrifices, satan worshiping rock concerts, babies out of wedlock, giving into peer pressure and jay walking, so that I can ensure my spot in agony aunt heaven.
Now, what happens when YOU die - well, Im sure a frog with british bulldog legs probably wont have the proper burial that it deserves, I mean, seriously only scientists would really find a carcass like that interesting enough to want to touch it, so chances are that a scientist is likely going to freeze you, slice you up into 1mm thin strips and take a still shot of each slice so that he can download you into his computer and study your genetic make up further.
What happens to everyone else when they die? well without offending any certain religious beliefs it's likely that your body will stay in the ground if buried or as ashes (if thats your wish) and the soul (if you have one) will then have the opportunity to make a decision between creating its own heaven, made up of pure though or have the chance to repeat life and right certain wrongs - a play again option if you hit the game over period so to speak.
But just so you know - everyone dies at some stage, but so long as you lived well and touched people figuratively (and sometimes physically) you will be in their minds always therefore your legend will live on.
Best regards
Aunty Sam -
Thanks for the reply. It is the kind of answer I really expected coming from you. Yes only from you
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Glad to hear it - it never hurts to help those in need of some sound advice
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I've run out of letters....is there anyone out there with some serious issues that I can give my opinion on?
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Dear aunty Sam,
I would like to become the world's most famous and celebrated rockstar. How do I go about achieving this?
Yours sincerely,
Sam -
Dear......Sam
Thanks for your letter.
How does one become a celebrated rockstar? A question that I've often asked myself that same question. Wouldnt it be great to live the rockstar lifestyle: Play like a demon even when you're high on smack, write lyrics all day long that people will love and sing to for generations, and then there's the touring, the good times and then the women....oh how there will be women, and you never know, some music channel may even consider you for a reality tv series where you get to a live in a house for a few weeks with a whole lot of horney women, and then you have the hard job of deciding which one is the best (after sleeping with all of them of course).
But back to achieving this goal, it is a must for all good memorable rock musicians have one thing in common ( aside from all passing away at age 27 ). They stick to the basics, write a catchy tune that all the kids can not only relate to, but find it easy enough to sing along to, and then in amongst the lyrics, write something in there that will get the listener thinking "what does he REALLY mean by that".
The next step is to get your song out there - internet is a good start, make your own youtube video and go viral. Or do it the old fashioned way and post a copy to all radio stations and recording studios attached to a bottle of Jack Daniels and hope to hear back from someone - hopefully someone whos drunk enough to talk figures.
The next step is to develope your signature, on tour is the best place to start rumours, how about firing raw meat into the crowd or have a rumour started that you bit the head off a lettuce.
The next step is to tour some more while writing a much more controversial follow up album and following all the previous steps.
And finally - in order to become well known and memorable, you either have to go soft and save the kids in Africa, or you die in your prime of some unexpected death.
Good luck on your road to becoming a Rock Legend!
All the best
Aunty Sam
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Whoa - that was a SUPERB response.
AAAAA+++++-
Thank you very muchly WW
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