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can a friend use harsh/derogatory words?
Posted by writings • 6/20/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: friend
i have once read a beautiful quote.. "friends dont find faults" and i believe and follow it.
do you think a "friend" can use harsh, derogatory words even after knowing that you are a lady and soft and sensitive?
you have never acted in any unladylike manner with them, even then can they use words like smarty pants or vicious things like spider, black widow etc while referring you?
i personally dont think so, i believe friendship=respect, love and trust.
User Comments
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its a very earnest question, not thrown in wind.. i want to know if i am hypersensitive (for being brought up in a sophisticated family) or correct.
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I think it depends entirely on the intent of their words. If they were trying to be hurtful then obviously that's not very nice, but if they were joking around you are probably being over-sensitive. But if it hurts your feelings that much you should tell them that you are that sensitive because they probably don't know. -
nope they know that the person they are dealing with is hypersensitive and sophisticated. takes punch without hitting back.
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there's a difference between being sophisticated and taking yourself too seriously.
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Men dont do that, our friendship ends when harsh and degatory words are spoken.-
i also do that.. have done in such cases without regret.
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@sar yes, i usually dont take myself seriously, i take criticism/jokes as long as they are clear. and both the words which i have mentioned are quite harsh and rude as per dictionary.
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'smarty pants' isn't usually rude, it depends on the tone of voice...anything can be cruel if the person wants it to be.
As for 'spider' and 'black widow' that is a little harsher, but if the friend was joking then they probably didn't mean to hurt your feelings, they probably thought you would be ok with a joke like that. If your friend overstepped a line you should let them know...getting bitter about it in private and then holding a grudge or taking it out on them in a passive aggressive way is the worst thing you can do. If you tell your friend they will probably apologise and be more careful about jokes with you in future.
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If its a necessary there is no wrong in using that....but it should be done for the good of the other..
It depends on the style of your tone...Don't go for it if you can't make clear...what you meant... -
There are people who are angry and need to "vent" all the time. Their anger comes out in obnoxious and sarcastic little comments meant to be jokes which are half-rude and half-funny. I understand their need to do this but personally they're not the people whose company I enjoy most.-
How I would like to show them the therapeutic way to vent it?
My latest post discusses working with someone's anger. -
i completely agree with you, i cant have them as friends, i dont throw them out of my life but friendship ends unless they clearly say that they joked. and i always clearly hint that their comment was not savoury to me.
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I have one of the worst potty mouths ever, but I never say things with the intent to hurt a friend's feelings. That's too rude (even for me).-
thats my point too, i too have a huge stock of them but i rarely let them come to my lips and using them on friends? out of question.
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I make fun of friends all the time, and they give it right back. But there is no ill intent.-
yes and i think you wont apply it on a friend who is too soft.
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you would think wrong. I treat all my friends the same. They all get made fun of, soft or not.
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Respect is important not only in friendship but generally. A true friend would respect you and if they said something unkind out of anger, etc, then they should apologize. Sarcastic Humor is Demeaning and not really humor. It's like laughing at someone's misfortune. Humor should bring joy to all, not just to some. I don't think you are overly sensitive. Never compromise your Self-respect! If you don't respect yourself, then you can't expect respect from others. Even, if a friend finds fault with you, there is a respectful and kind way of saying it.
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agapelife: I agree completely. Very well said.
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fantastic explanation, i completely agree with you.
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do you think a "friend" can use harsh, derogatory words even after knowing that you are a lady and soft and sensitive?
My friends do not treat me as you describe because when we first met we established very clear personal boundaries. On that base of that initial self disclosure, understanding, respect, trust grew as we became closer.
The truth is that we are treated how we allow others to treat us. Our personal boundaries are filters permitting what is acceptable in our relationships and what is not, and it's been shown that those who have weak boundaries themselves tend to violate the boundaries of others.
We must take responsibility for how we allow friends to treat us, and we must disclose what our personal boundaries are early on in the relationship. If you don't have boundaries that protect and define you, as in a strong sense of identity, you will tend to derive your sense of worth from others.
IMO the solution to your problem is clear cut. Do as other self confident and competent adults do. Abandon whining and acting like a victim. Set clear and decisive limits by defining your personal boundaries and state them, so that others will respect them. Then be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them.-
dear tt,
i use same theory with all friends, and after that filter them, i just wanted to check whether i am correct or not, and now i am confident that i am.
i always set a clear boundary, but there are mastadons who dont care about boundary.
i may be soft but not too soft. so i know where to put my feet down. nothingprofound and agape clarified my vision.
thanks for the very intelligent idea but thats the first thing i do. clearly and very clearly.. set my boundaries. -
I totally agree, TT. Everybody has different boundaries and if someone crosses the line it's probably because you hadn't signposted it. Some people certainly don't care if they upset someone, but most people do, and if you are a very sensitive person you need to make sure that your friends know that about you or it's not their fault when you get upset.
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@siuli the meanings which i checked on net almost gave me a heart attack, they were enough rude+cruel in my eyes. basically i neither use such languages nor am i habituated of hearing them so..
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knowing that you are a lady and soft and sensitive?
You are NOT a delicate flower or a sissy baby. You are an adult and stating "you are a lady and soft and sensitive" seems to me to be a demand for others to treat you in some "special" way. Please understand that it's your responsibility to set personal boundaries and enforce them. -
I think you should really speak to your friend about it because you may have completely misunderstood what they were saying. If you had to look it up online then you clearly didn't know what your friend was saying, and they may have meant something else entirely from what you have read. You should really be talking to them about this, not us, because we don't know what your friend meant.
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@SiuilARuin
I think that's excellent advice.
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@siuli no i discussed it clearly with both but they both pretended it as a joke, but i agree with nothingprofound.
i always clearly discuss with my friends and then tell them goodbye and back off without grudge or anger.
just as nothingprofound said, these people have a temper control problem so they vent it out hiding it in a joke. so that they can always back off. i was trying to learn this psychology and you all made it crystal clear to me.
thanks from the heart.-
I think you're wrong about that. Some people make jokes about their friends to their faces because they are intimate with that person. It's not always meant to be cruel or an attack veiled as a joke. Some people can't take a joke (clearly you are one of those) and that's fine, so long as you accept that most people have digs at their friends in a fun and light-hearted way...if you don't like that then make that clear, but don't push your insecurities on your friends. Tell them you are sensitive and don't like them making jokes about you and they'll probably stop...cutting them out of your life is ridiculous.
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@writings
You have said: i always clearly discuss with my friends and then tell them goodbye and back off without grudge or anger.
I think that's a sensible approach. Life is too short to squander any precious hours on people who deliberately set out to hurt us, using their shock jock language, and then pretend they were "joking". Dump them politely and move on. -
@tt i completely agree with you. and i did that without regret.
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I agree with the others, you should speak to your friend.-
i already did
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@tt thats the first thing i do with anyone and everyone, i dont bottle up things inside me. i simply, clearly discuss. and if i think that they are playing cat and mouse, then only i take third party opinion, or else its clearly clarified then and there.
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@ jafa i already did
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Did she understand?
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Some people are just of that nature where they shoot first and ask questions later. It's nothing personal to you and they may even really like you and be willing to do you favors et cetera. You may choose not to associate with people like that, but it's not because they inside are not friendly to you.
Bottom line is, it's not that they don't respect you, they are just irreverent by nature. -
A friend can use hard/derogatory words about a mutual friend, acquaintance. That way I can join in the laughter but not feel guilty for saying such myself. (grin) -
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It depends on the friendships. I am not soft, sensitive, or ladylike. And I would be personally offended if my friends treated me as if I were made of lace. Because that would show how little they know about me.
My friends and I are brutally honest with each other, and we take digs at each other and ourselves. We do, however, know the difference between kidding around, and hitting a sore spot. So yes, there are boundaries. Intent means everything with regards to those boundaries.
Now, on the flipside of your question and/or problem, I myself would probably not regularly hang out with people who were so sensitive they couldn't take a little ribbing, or would get upset at foul language being used. Not because they're not nice, but quite simply, on a night out, they would probably ruin the evening by getting upset over nothing.
In our circle (even with family members) if we're not picking on you, it's because we don't like you.-
Agree with you there! With me, if I haven't made fun of you, I probably don't like you! Also, not going to invite the person who goes off in a sulk when someone makes a joke...spoils it for everyone!
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Particularly if you run with a rough crowd like I do Crying in the corner at the Emo show doesn't cut the mustard
Not that I wouldn't hang out with a sensitive person and respect their boundaries mind you. I just wouldn't do it often, because really, my tongue gets the better of me. -
I tend to avoid the sensitive people because I can't have fun with them...you are always watching what you say and never feel comfortable just chilling out. And they never get your jokes even when they aren't about anyone!
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I'm trying to think right now if I have any sensitive friends....I don't think I do.
I mean, obviously, dealing with all the kids over here I have to watch what I say (they don't understand sarcasm, I'll tell you that) but even then, I do tease them.
I even tease my cats.
That's sad -
My sister understands sarcasm...which is entirely my fault and I fee really bad because it gets her in trouble with her mum (who has no sense of humour!)
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My little brother used to get in trouble for that alll the time It's inevitable when you have a house full of sarcastic assholes like us, though You're either quick or your the target for the night
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haha! I want to come round your place for dinner some time!
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It's bad. And when my father is around - hold on to your hats! His jibes are so slick and sophisticated that the less bright attendees don't realize they're being poked at until like, 10 minutes after the fact
(He is also quite quick with the sillier jokes and bad puns which is always fun).
We call 'em "zingers" -
you got my point, my friend should understand my nature, if they dont and ignore after being told its better to back off from that relationship.
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I have this friend, we are really close. We've been friends since kindergarten, well she cusses like a sailor and has an attitude u wouldn't believe.
When I was going thru hard financial times last year,she would help me clean houses and one day she called me a stupid bitch,bc. I didn't do something right.
Well, I saw red and reared back and slapped the hell out of her.
We were both shocked @ me slappin' her we both fell to the floor laughing.
She got my point tho,I love her 2 death,but she ain't gonna walk all over me no more-
I think calling your friend a stupid bitch is overstepping the mark...but hey, if slapping her was al you needed to do to make things ok between you again that's great!
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I don't know that I would be upset about a friend dropping the b-bomb on me...but call me stupid? Oh hells no!
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I didn't even realize I slapping her across the face until it was over. She just has one of those additudes u can only tolerate for so long. It's probably the reason I'm her only friend and she is 28 just like me and has been divorced 2xs and I think there is about to be a 3rd.
Having said that tho she is also the type of friend that if you call on her for something she will find it,steel it,or kill it if need be. -
and if you cant slap or call her back names you should better be a little off.
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Teasing is one thing, hostility disguised as humor is another. You can tease someone in a way that shows you're fond of them. You make fun of the things they also find ridiculous about themselves, you help them to lighten up. But when you attack their sore points, just to get a laugh or because you want to blow off steam,or because you really don't like them and find them ridiculous, that's just meanness and disrespect and shouldn't be tolerated.
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Good point. Teasing, jibes, poking fun all that stuff is usually intended to be funny and not hurtful.
But saying something that you know is mean? That's where the line is drawn. Of course, sometimes you can say something, and it comes out all wrong and you didn't mean it the way it was taken or stated. I did that once and I felt horrible! It was during a "spirited" conversation, and I pointed something out (not directed at my friend because I had no way of knowing that he was actually going through something similar because he never bothered to tell me) and I hit a major sore spot. particularly because it wasn't received the way it was intended to be.
He yelled at me and stormed off. I felt bad, and tried to explain...
For my cats, you know you've crossed the line when you're bleeding -
you are a very matured person and i agree with all your views. i also look at the world in the same way.
i am skinny and all my friends ask me with a cheshire grin when i go out/come in in a windy day if i travelled by bus or rode the wind.. that doesnot makes me angry, but being called an impudent person or black widow will certainly freeze me.
i am hyper skinny and my friends always have healthy jokes about it, there is nothing to grumble in that. or they sometimes decently pull my legs about my physical defects and i join them.
as you said, there is a difference between beyond limit joke and hidden hostility enveloped in pack of humour -
That's funny!
My friends often ask me if I took my car or my broom
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Yes, sometimes you hit a sore point without meaning too. I did this the other day with my daughter. And I felt really really bad. Fortunately, we were able to talk it through.
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@jafa no i dont think so, that is why i had to cut off the friendship, because if he/she was friend he/she would have.
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@nothingprofound saying a simple sorry and a big hug always work, i forgive my friends as long as i am sure they are my friends.
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@anok, i also had exactly same experience with a girl and i am not even the least angry at her. she promptly apologised. i was not angry because i had a hint that she was going through some horrible trauma, i just did not knew what, and i poked my finger right there ughh.
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@jeremy none of them are bad persons, they may not be good friends to me but they are most probably good that i can vouch, i was confident earlier but it has shaken a little.
because i dont call friends such names so i dont know if they are friends or just feigning it. -
Can friends use harsh words about me? To my face, of course. I consider it the role of a friend to be honest and straightforward. We're not the best judge of our own actions, and sometimes we are weak and follow an easy line. Our friends will nudge us back towards the light, even if the nudge is a slap. And I'll love 'em for it.
But derogatory? No. This is why "diplomacy" was invented ;> -
One of the blessings of having real friends... is that you can afford to be stupid with them.
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