Discussions

Can men and women be "just friends"?

Posted by EmpressWingMay • 3/19/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: clueless, Dating, friendship

(Question assumes both people in the friendship are straight.) I like to think the answer is yes. That doesn't mean I'm right, maybe just naive, even at my advanced age. LOL

A lot of people tell me that guys don't go out looking for women to be friends with them. They already have friends -- other guys!

What do you think? What's your experience?

User Comments

3/19/09

gadnia

Sometimes they can.But it's very hard to be just friends

[reply]
3/19/09

timethief

Yes, without doubt they can be. I have several very close male friends, who have been my friends for decades, and sexuality has never been an issue between us.

I disagree with the notion that heterosexual men and women cannot have platonic relationships. I also disagree with the notion that "men are from mars and women are from venus". IMO we have far more similarities than we do differences and the "hype" focused on differences is aimed at creating a market for consumer products and upholding moribund institutions.

I can practically guarantee that once dump all cultural "baggage" and enter into the back country and bushlands where your survival is paramount and where co-operation is required, that male - female relationships become more genuinely "human" and that all that sensationalized "sexual" claptrap disappears from your mind and speech. (Please refer to the other post on this subject that we just posted to yesterday.)

Those who I consider to be my very best friends happen to be males. I do have female friends too but my closet friends have been my friends for decades and, regardless of the ups and downs we have each experienced in out own lives we have always been there for each other and we always will be.

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  fruitcake
  
  I couldn't agree (with the second paragraph especially) more. Well said!
2. 3/19/09
  
  timethief
  
  @fruitcake
  Thank you
  I further believe that we would be foolish to marry or enter a long term relationship with anyone that we do not already consider to be a best friend.
3. 3/20/09
  
  rainforestrobin
  
  I could not have said this any better TT. This is totally my experience as well. And I have lived in the wildest of areas with a man. During that time we both discovered that the social clap trap is a bunch of baloney and that we were in fact a like. Both human.
4. 3/21/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  @timethief
  
  "I further believe that we would be foolish to marry or enter a long term relationship with anyone that we do not already consider to be a best friend."
  
  Well said.
3/19/09

lovesome1

yes thats very possible. i think some male-female friendships can cross over into something more too, but some friendships could just be platonic. i have known girls who just can't relate well with other females so they tend to have more male friends. i get along well with both species but, i don't go "out looking" for males specifically to be friends with also.

[reply]
3/19/09

CelebrityIcePop

Most of us have straight friends of the opp sex but sometimes I suppose if that person is attractive, you may find yourself wondering 'what if...' and men generally want to 'make love' to all women they come across anyway regardless of friendship till they reach a certain age right?

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  fruitcake
  
  "...till they reach a certain age right?
  
  Unfortunately, some never reach that certain age.
2. 3/19/09
  
  timethief
  
  Unfortunately, some never reach that certain age.
  
  Ain't that the truth. Some grow older without ever growing up. They remain stuck in an immature adolescent state.
3/19/09

weblogian

If both of them are locked up in a room for a year, What do you think, will they be just friend as before?

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  Anok
  
  They would probably loathe each other - as being locked in a room with another person for an extended period of time would create friction.
2. 3/19/09
  
  fearless21
  
  If I were locked in a room with my husband for a year...I would certainly be divorced!
3. 3/20/09
  
  weblogian
  
  I think population may increase too!
3/19/09

Stillthinking

I am sure it is possible...as long as there is no underlying attraction on one side. I have this male friend and outwardly, we're just friends. Former co-workers. Friends. But honestly, I am wildly attracted to him and if he ever became available (currently, he is not available nor is he interested) I would be more than willing to throw the friendship aside.

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  "I am sure it is possible...as long as there is no underlying attraction on one side."
  
  This is spot on.
3/19/09

Anok

Most of my friends are men. So, undoubtedly, yes I think men and women can just be friends

Edit - actually, since I am bisexual, and attracted to both sexes, the standard thought that two people can't be friends because of an (possibility of) underlying sexual attraction doesn't jive with me.

because that would mean I can't be friends with either sex.

Just sayin'

[reply]
3/19/09

Jules66

I wish that some of my male friends had just stayed as friends only (instead of ending up as friends with benefits)LOL

My husband had a long time female best friend for years. She went off and got married. She even invited him to her wedding and to sit at the table with her parents. Her husband wasn't that happy about it.

When I came into my husband's life, she stopped ringing him up as much (her husband was in the airforce so she often got lonely).

Then when we were deciding to get married, my husband asked me if it was ok if he asked her to be his 'best woman' lol, I said yeah sure that's fine with me.

He rang her up and asked her, and she said that it was lovely of him to ask her, but she would decline (because she thought his Mother might think it was weird to have a woman instead of a man as a best man)

Anyway a few months bore the wedding , hubby rang her to ask her did she get our invite to the wedding, and were they coming ?( as she needed a lot of notice because of her kids, and husband) She said she still didn't know if she could make it?

Well she never replied to the wedding invite, or ever rang him up again after That was back in 2004, and we haven't heard from her again.

Hubby is very hurt that he has lost her, and because of his pride now, doesn't want to go chasing her.

I told my friends about it all later, and they all think she probably had a thing for my husband, and when the realization came she was going miss out on him, she probably thought it would be best to just disappear out of his life.

A similar thing happened to my brother as well with his girl best friend. My family always felt they would have been great together. My brother wanted to tell his best friend he had strong feelings for her , but couldn't..

He ended up marrying a bitchy mean nasty woman instead, totally opposite to his best friend, and the best friend soon lost touch with my him. They no longer to talk to each other

I believe it can work for some people to have members of the opposite sex (straight ones) as friends, but I don't know of many that have worked out successfully long term?

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  Hmmm ... I once had a friend who asked for a kiss even though he was engaged to someone else. He said he was engaged to her only because his parents would kill him if he didn't marry someone of his own nationality. After I neglected to RSVP for his wedding, he called me to ask me to go. I went to show my support for his marriage, and because we had mutual friends there. However, he kept hanging around me after the ceremony, and his new wife watched with steam coming out of ears. I should not have attended. We never talked again.
  
  I've been yelled at on the street by someone who said I was wasting his time, hanging out with him, when clearly I knew how he felt. I said he also knew I didn't feel the same way. He told me off, and only spoke to me briefly once afterward when we bumped into each other at a party.
  
  I made a new friend recently, and I really enjoy his company. He's a wonderful conversationalist, and we do have a lot in common. He's not creepy, not pushy, and has a lot of traits I admire. I would love for us to just be friends. I am not the least bit attracted to him. He, however, said that he is very attracted to me and intends to pursue me. I think this could end badly, like the others. What am I supposed to do, though? Stop being friends with him?
  
  I don't know how it works out, long-term or short-term. People are strange.
3/19/09

EmpressWingMay

Argh! Then ahm doin' it rong! I asked this question because I'm truly perplexed. I do believe that men and women can be friends, but I personally don't know how.

I often enter into such friendships with only friendship in mind. But something like once or twice a year, a new guy friend will express a romantic interest, I don't reciprocate, I lose the friendship, and I never hear from him again. Out of all of these, I've managed to stay friends with only ONE who seems more enlightened than the others, and said he tried not to be attached to outcomes.

Maybe my problem is that I befriend guys I don't find the least bit attractive. I know that if I were the one attracted to them and the feeling wasn't mutual, then I'd be the one acting weird. Instead, they end up attracted to me, and the wackiness ensues. I must be socially retarded or something.

I agree with those of you who said it's possible to be friends with someone without the underlying sexual attraction. This only works if neither party pursues the other beyond the realm of friendship.

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  Stillthinking
  
  "Maybe my problem is that I befriend guys I don't find the least bit attractive."
  
  That made me laugh! I am guilty of the opposite. I only befriend men I am attracted to! It doesn't work for me either, but then I end up the dumpee not the dumper.
2. 3/19/09
  
  Anok
  
  Any friendship you pursue should be done with the intent of building a strong (non sexual) intimate relationship with the person.
  
  That means you need things in common, common ideals, common interests, and common expectations. I don't think it matters whether it's with someone of the same or opposite sex.
3. 3/19/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  I agree.
3/19/09

Sam1982

It depends - if you're single then the answer in my opinion is "NO", and if you're not single then my answer is "depends on who you're with and what they think of the other person you want to be friends with"

[reply]
3/19/09

sisterofmercy

Of course it's possible. My best friend is a guy and we've been friends for 10 years this year. Most of my closest friends are guys as they're easier to talk to than girls, it doesn't mean I like any of them in a romantic sense.

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  That's cool. How do you know they're not secretly attracted to you? Oh well, as long as they don't do anything about it, right?
2. 3/20/09
  
  sisterofmercy
  
  Most of them have girlfriends and the ones that don't never show any signs of attraction, it's all purely platonic. I don't think gender should affect friendships really.
3/19/09

makeshiftspaces

as someone who has a multiple amount of really close guy friends... yes it is possible

[reply]
3/19/09

voodooKobra

"Just friends?" Why do people denigrate friendship as if its inferior to lust? Friendship isn't an easy status for people to achieve with me. Anyone I consider a friend is someone worthy of respect and dignity.

One of my closest friends was a female classmate from high school. We get along great, and it's entirely platonic. And I'm only 19. (And yes, we're both hetero; and presently, both single.)

We're going to end up in the same university for the 2010-2011 school year, and onwards.

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  Point taken. I did not mean to denigrate friendship as if it's "less than". I was addressing friendship in terms of a relationship where one wants to go beyond the friendship. In those terms, there is a "less than" and "more than" because one person wants something other than and including what's already there.
  
  If two people enjoy a relationship for what it is, then of course it's great as it is -- not more than, not less than.
  
  Cheers.
2. 3/19/09
  
  voodooKobra
  
  Keep in mind: I'm usually outraged over social norms, not over individual statements. I'm addressing the cultural tendency to use the phrase "Just friends," not your individual usage of the word.
3. 9/24/09
  
  agapelife
  
  @Voodoo - Your first paragraph - I agree!
3/19/09

kat822

They can be, does it get complicated sometimes? Definately

[reply]
3/19/09

dinsquared

I adore my male friends. I have no interest in dating them, nor they me. You're meeting the wrong people, or perhaps you're meeting perfectly lovely people, but you're ignoring signals they're sending you somewhere along the way that they're interested in you romantically.

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  Yes, you're right. They are perfectly lovely people, and perhaps they are also the wrong people for me. They don't send romantic signals initially, though. If I thought they were, I wouldn't have befriended them, seeing as I wasn't attracted to them.
3/19/09

chicky401

I have a couple of good friends who are males. My best friend is male and we have no interest in dating each other though we act like we are soul mates

[reply]
3/19/09

thecollegewarrior

comment removed by the community.

[reply]
1. 3/19/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  You are a troll, the collegewarrior. Oops, I just fed the troll! Just like a good womenz. LOL
2. 3/19/09
  
  voodooKobra
  
  Did you at least poison the troll food first?
3. 3/19/09
  
  becthomasphotograp
  
  Your wife has you by the balls doesn't she...
4. 3/20/09
  
  voodooKobra
  
  What balls?
5. 3/21/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  @voodooKobra and bechthomasphotograp
  
  Bwahahaha!
3/19/09

becthomasphotograp

Of course they can be. It's a rather sexist notion to say men and women can't be friends unless sex is involved. Not all poeple are even attracted to each other in a sexual manner.

[reply]
3/19/09

kath

Course they can. During HS, my best mates are males and we didn't develop that kind of feeling for each other. In fact, I was his bridesmaid and he was part of my entourage too, when we got married & up to now we still keep in touch.
I mean- how can you fall for someone, who you know farts all the time? (ha,ha,ha...)
and picks his nose behing a book? (giggle...)
By default, my bestfriend is outta my list !

[reply]
1. 3/21/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  Awww, that is so cool!
3/20/09

saiffarooqi

i have many female friends and there has also been a mutual physical attraction between us, but being physically attracted to each other does not mean to be romantically involved with each other ... i mean being attracted to the opposite sex is natural ... i am attracted to many of my female friends and i have told them about that, but that does not make me feel to be in a romantic relationship with them ... its just an attraction ...

[reply]
1. 3/21/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  Hmmm ... very true.
3/20/09

idealpinkrose

yes, i think but it usually turns into love either the one or the other. Or sometimes both.

[reply]
3/20/09

LynneaUrania

Absolutely they can.

But the best love I have ever known among humankind was a platonic relationship I had with a shamaness woman a decade ago. We kissed like lovers because we were. So we weren't just friends. But we weren't about to engage each other in sex either. Those were in the days before I transitioned.

Nevertheless we were meshed heart to heart as much as any other love can be. And when she died, she said goodbye to me in a dream.

This was the subject of one of my earliest blogs last year on LOVING INNOCENCE, in the article titled, "The Kiss."

[reply]
1. 3/21/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  That's beautiful. I'll check that out in your blog. :-)
3/20/09

rainforestrobin

I have several male friends who are JUST male friends. I think we do men an injustice when we say they are incapable of simply having a friendship with a woman. That notion comes from social conditioning and media that wants to sensationalize everything. I don't believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Strip away social conditioning and we are simply humans beings.

[reply]
3/20/09

OneMuslim

OMG, I am far than honest when it comes to comment about male-female relationship. and because of that, I has left with no option, I delete those long wordy words.

[reply]
1. 3/20/09
  
  voodooKobra
  
  I find your post lacking in logical structure. Cup o' coffee, perhaps?
3/20/09

cazywaz

if there both quite ugly..

joke joke!

i have a few male friends i dont think of in that way... but then again there ugly

just kidding again

[reply]
1. 3/21/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  Har har, but are you REALLY kidding?
3/20/09

NatetheGrate

Sure they can. But if either or both are sexually attracted to the other, watch out!

[reply]
1. 3/21/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  And therein lies the conundrum.
3/20/09

acousticguitarist

only if people understand BOUNDARIES

[reply]
1. 3/20/09
  
  weblogian
  
  There are many people like Alexander who extend boundaries without limit.
2. 9/24/09
  
  crazyTsu
  
  Promises and fences are there to be broken
3/21/09

BlackMamba88

Don't think so, unless the guy is fairy!

[reply]
3/21/09

rainatee

Nope.

[reply]
3/21/09

PastExpiry

SURE! Especially if she's ugly!

[reply]
3/21/09

inkjetoffice

Absolutely not, at least I'm not seen it yet in my life. I have many so called "female friends", but all of them are my former girl friends and now "friends". Please email me and let me know your story if you have true female friends.

[reply]
3/21/09

skykid

I think that a pure friendship between men and women is almost impossible to exist - as always at some point feelings get involved.

I wrote a post once on this question - may be some of you will find it interesting. Just google for "Friendship between a girl and a boy - Mission Impossible ?"

[reply]
3/21/09

riverstyxxx

Well I ain't friends with fat chicks. You figure out the logic behind that one.

[reply]
3/21/09

peggy353

I've always had men friends my whole life. Always found it much easier to be myself with men than with women friends and they with me. I'm not sure why that is but its been that way my whole life. Just always been able to be comfortable and speak my mind with my guy friends and know they don't judge me; just support me.

[reply]
3/21/09

pamelabaker

Some can, most can not

[reply]
3/21/09

FatX

It depends on your meaning of " just friends". I don't think I can be around a woman that I'm attracted to and just talk about politics, sports and drink beer. I would be distracted by her sexuality.

[reply]
4/22/09

archiegottlieb

by "just friends" do you mean "f*** buddy"? hahaha. i'm just joking...sorry.

[reply]
1. 4/22/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  Or "friends with benefits", right?
4/22/09

greencurmudgeon

I think there's an element missing from this question: can a man and a woman *who are attracted to each other* be "just friends". The answer to that is "yes" (because hopefully most of us who don't try to sneak into 21+ bars, are in control of our urges), but - it adds a layer of complexity to the relationship.

Men and women who are not attracted to each other don't have that layer of complexity; they can be friends without the problem cropping up.

[reply]
1. 4/22/09
  
  EmpressWingMay
  
  Good point. If the attraction is mutual, why not just go for it? I think the problems arise when the attraction is one-sided.
4/22/09

vijayanths

It depends on where you live, what is your culture and stuff like that. In India I think it is a bit difficult,this is my opinion(honest).

[reply]
4/22/09

xmarks

We can but it isn't nearly as fun.

[reply]
9/24/09

crazyTsu

After the sexual part is taken care of, yes, perhaps

[reply]
9/24/09

BlogDogW2

Absolutely I have many male friends that I wouldn't dream of taking advantage of. So true Anok.

[reply]
9/24/09

newblogmogul

It can happen but it won't be easy to do and eventually the friendship will turn into a friendship with benefits.

[reply]