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Dating to marry or to past time?

Posted by Deray28 • 10/10/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: aches conundrums, Dating

She-who-must-not-be-named inspired me to open this discussion. She said that she is not dating with the purpose of getting married to the guy.

So, have I been wrong all my life thinking that dating serves to get to know, and love, someone to decide to spend the rest of your life with him/her?

I totally agree that sometimes one has needs and is not necessarily looking for a long-term relationship. In that case, fine, date someone just for fun. But, is it fair to him/her? Do you tell him/her in advance?

What if you pick a 60y old guy that things you are his last change at happiness just to have fun? Don't you think he will get hurt if he is not aware that you are not serious about your relationship?

Your thoughts..

User Comments

10/10/09

legbamel

I date to piss off my husband. I sell the expensive gifts of stock and jewelry, though, because I want to get a boy toy in twenty-five years and that's going to take some liquid assets.

By the way, I don't think there's anything wrong with casual dating, as long as it's clear from the beginning that that's all either part wants. Stringing someone along for your own gain or entertainment is cruel.

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1. 10/10/09
  
  Deray28
  
  jajajajaja, yes, liquid assets are a must to get yourself a good boy-toy
  
  Precisely my point leg, casual dating is fine as long as both parties involved are aware of the terms.
10/10/09

marialuiza

one must play on fair terms right from the beginning.you should not give the other person signs that you are really heading towards a serious relationship.just keep it light

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10/10/09

Hayseed

um... why no option for the choice to NOT date?

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10/10/09

marialuiza

and how do you get to know the guy? by mail, msn, phone?we connect better when we are in the presence of that person

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10/10/09

Deray28

Hayseed: as in ever? don't date ever? I guess it's fine if you are not at all interested in a companion for life. Happiness being alone is great too

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1. 10/10/09
  
  MadameX
  
  I don't think dating is a viable way to find a "companion for life". I'm sure once in a great while some couple gets lucky and strikes gold that way, but it's kind of like playing the lottery.
2. 10/10/09
  
  Deray28
  
  I'm intrigued, then how do you find him/her Madame? or how do you call the state in a relationship were you are getting to know each other?
3. 10/10/09
  
  MadameX
  
  Naturally, just like you do all of the other people in your life. I just don't see people as prospects. When I meet someone new, I interact in the same way regardless of whether it's a man (old or young, married or single) or a woman. If a friendship develops naturally, that's a good thing. If something else develops naturally out of that, that's fine, but I'm not shopping for it and I'm not looking at the men I meet like items on a grocery store shelf.
10/10/09

marialuiza

i don't think one can live without giving into the temptation of experiencing it at least once

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10/10/09

crazyTsu

Dating to marry is like going out the front door of your house with the intention of coming back a millionaire

These things are never done in a day. You keep relevant things in mind at particular stages

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10/10/09

nothingprofound

It's good to be open-minded and allow that all sorts of dating or romantic or sexual arrangements are possible and legitimate.

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1. 10/10/09
  
  MadameX
  
  Even if they knowingly mislead other people? That is what the initial question addressed.
2. 10/10/09
  
  nothingprofound
  
  I have no idea if the person anonymously referred to is being deliberately misleading. I didn't see any indication of that in her thread. Approaching the situation hypothetically I'd quote Goethe: "We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves." Trying to portray all these men as victims seems pretty naive to me.
3. 10/11/09
  
  MadameX
  
  But you did say that "all sorts" of dating and romantic/sexual arrangements were legitimate. "All" would include those that were knowingly or intentionally deceptive and harmful to the other person, wouldn't it?
4. 10/11/09
  
  nothingprofound
  
  An "arrangement" implying that it was freely entered into by both parties. Nobody's forcing any of these people to be involved; they're acting from their own free will and should be mature enough to accept responsibilty for any unpleasant circumstances or consequences that happen to occur. It's cowardly to blame others for your own lack of insight or common sense.
5. 10/11/09
  
  sjtavo
  
  i purposely don't date to pass the time because I'm just not into that.. I either date someone because I'm very interested in them and want to see if it can progress into something more or I make him a POA. I know a lot of women who are serial daters and that's fine if that works for them. I don't believe in wasting anyone's time.
10/10/09

marialuiza

No, you should never deceive someone into thinking that you want a serious relationship. This can happen to you too some time and you won't feel very happy about it.

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10/11/09

activeleisure

I actually wrote a post about this topic in my blog. It was called cookies vs crackers? And, it did cause a bit of a stir with some people.

I equated "passing time" dating, to being hungry for cookies but only having crackers to eat. But this was more to explain dating someone without that "spark" that might eventually lead to marriage. It wasn't necessarily dating for "fun" but more so dating for comfort.

I argued that too many people settle for crackers If they're hungry and therefore underestimate the value of finding the right "cookie" to fully satisfy them!

You can find the post here:

thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/2009/09/24/crackers-vs-cookies/

(I should also mention that the I did not mislead the guy in relationship that I used as an example.. we were both honest with each other!)

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