Discussions
Do Most Men Make These Mistakes at Some Point in Life?
Posted by ModelElaine • 9/06/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: Dating, love, MEN, relationships, women
I would like to know if anybody else thinks the same way about men in relationships with women - discounting their value, making hurtful comments (passive-agressive behaviour), and making your date feel less of herself. I hear from women consistently that men start off nice and then turn into somebody different. What happens to the nice guys? And what is it that this type of behavior should be attributed to? I would also like to know if anyone has encountered this type of behavior I've given as examples in my post internet-dating-guru.blogspot.com/2008/09/how-to-be-man-all-women-want.html
User Comments
-
The only time I've ever really been an idiot towards a woman is when I boned her about two weeks after meeting her. After that I stopped talking to her because I lost all respect for her.
I suspect that most guys that act unpleasant towards women were at one time VERY NICE guys. Nice guys finish last is the phrase I hear all the time. Finishing last all the time is bound to turn most men into jerkoffs.
If women were nicer to the nice men, then the jerkoffs wouldn't be bad to the bad women who choose bad men, when they really should have chose a nice man.-
Did you lose all respect for yourself, too, Othello? -
@ MadameX
I personally think the better question would be "did he EVER have any respect for himself"? -
You really live in a dreamworld, don't you? -
Hah, notice the women are the ones who are disagreeing. I totally see where you're coming from, Othello.
Men like a woman that will tell them "No" when he hasn't really demonstrated enough value. When she does that, he works harder to better himself and earn her trust and respect so that maybe she'll say "yes" someday.
The worst thing for a guy is to date a girl that gives him everything without him doing anything. The guys who work for it generally have a lot more character and respect for women.
Another point you brought up is the 'nice guy' saga: A guy who is naive enough to believe in karma goes through a lifetime of being nice only to have it blow up in his face. This isn't a movie, real life is way harsh to the "good guy." You have to practice tough love to keep a woman, even a good woman (they're human, after all)... nice guys have trouble with that. -
So if she says yes right away.. he hasn't 'bettered himself' and he's just as no good as her.
Makes sense to me. -
It's not exactly a contest to see who's the worst person (as if there's really any way to measure that). I don't see anything wrong with a man or woman wanting to get laid, but it's not a good sign for a relationship if they're getting physical straight away... but if neither party actually wants anything long term, who cares?
However, for me, if a girl wants to get into it with me really early on, even if I try and ignore it, the fact that I could makes me very wary about any future stability in the relationship (if she can't hold off with me, what's to keep her from cheating?). There'd be nothing wrong with me doing it right away, but if they're a coworker or something, you'd better make sure the relationship is going to work first, if you can.
It's a double standard, I know: women get judged immediately if they're sluts and guys don't, but there are plenty of guys like me who love casual sex and have never and will never cheat, whereas it seems the two aren't mutually exclusive with women (women who have many short-term partners are less able to be monogamous)... I donno, maybe it's sexist, maybe it's just due to my past experiences, but that's how I lean. -
good one:)
-
-
I think a little Tug of War is ok. This does not mean you have to an ass.
You can say that other woman in restaurant are beautiful to your date. Then...
a couple minutes later why she is much more beautiful or unique.
passive aggressive? not in this case.-
The topic was triggered by reading some forums where a girl would ask "My boyfriend constantly compliments other women, says she is hot, she is good looking, etc. but never compliments me." I noticed that it is a common happening according to multiple forums (I ran a search for these terms). Then I started analyzing what I have heard over the years from my girlfriends, and my guy friends also. I really think it is a serious problem especially since guys are taught to never compliment a woman, etc. by books such as Double Your Dating. My boyfriend's brother has this book and he told me some bizzare things from it, such as never buy dinner for a girl, never tell her she is beautiful, etc. This is very similar to The Rules, except it's for guys. I think playing games and downplaying one's interest, and generally making your SO feel less of herself is a very unhealthy way to make someone attached to you.
-
Yet this is confusing too.
I have been told by woman that when men treat woman like "they are the best woman the guy can ever get" that can be a turn off.
This is not the same as say two years in to relationship.
but early on in a relationship say one month or so, both guys and woman play some games. -
That's basically what I was refering to; a guy is too shy to admit he really really likes a girl. That's ok. But then it goes on for months, and months and the guys are kinda afraid to snap out of that behaviour because it has become too comfortable. Again, the guy I mentioned in my post was the one who made multiple women fall madly in love. Why? Beucause he made every woman feel special. When you follow the players behavior, you are not afraid that someone is going to laugh at you and women really fall for it because they don't normally get it elsewhere.
-
I made these mistakes with a girl in high school. I never showed the girl how much i appreciated her. It led to a lot of heart ache for her and tons of guilt for me.
i didn't trust other guys back then, but fortunately their was a Polished "Nice guy" that i admired. Girls really loved him. I really learned a lot from watching him.
Unfortunately, for young guys and girls a lot of mistakes happen along the way as we learn to mature.
fortunately we have the internet and blogs such as modelelaines were discussion takes place today.
-
-
Yes, all people make mistakes at some point in life. And many people behave differently in the early stages of a relationship because we're socially conditioned to lie and protect ourselves in order to get what we want rather than being real and natural with other people. Unfortunately, that means that most relationships start off on a false footing.
-
And that's why I no longer date men. I date green lizards.
Far superior to men.-
Thats kinky and maybe a little creepy, haha.
-
-
sometimes I snap a little less nice then I should. There is nothing sexier than a strong confident woman. Building your partner up is better than giving here a sheer nightgown. -
Are you kidding? -
MadameX... no I didn't lose respect for myself, but thank you for asking.
mariamichelle... if you've got a question to ask, you can ask me directly - there's no need to do it through a third party. Why would you question whether I ever had any respect for myself?-
I think their point is ... why did you lose respect for the woman and not yourself? It says a lot about the type of man you are and how you view men/women. And it ain't good, lol.
The fact that you don't understand that speaks volumes too.
-
-
I understand what they were asking perfectly well. They were being facetious so I decided to be facetious too.
I lost respect for the woman because she wasn't out looking to get laid immediately but still let the two of us get it on - that's why I lost respect for her. My entire aim from the start was to get it on with her... I didn't compromise myself and so I didn't lose respect for myself.
I've spent a quarter of my life being respectful and courteous and a gentleman and all that idealistic crap and all it ever got me was argument, stress, a daughter who passed away and women bitching ALL THE TIME! So now I'm going to think of myself first. As 'thefly' said in another thread... at some point i think screw it, i'm gonna get mine.-
Nice.
I mean why let a few bad experiences change the core of who you are, unless that's who you are anyway but you feel better justifying it with bad experiences.
A real man/woman knows who he/she is and stays true to that regardless of what happens.
Life isn't about what happens to you ... it's about how you handle what happens to you. -
Hmm, I have to wonder if you let her know that your entire aim was to get it on with her? If you did not, then don't you think that is the exact same thing as compromising yourself? Being someone other than who/what you profess is your new found insight in how you should 'get your's' and to heck with their feelings/desires is a bit compromising to yourself don't you think? Surely she didn't give into you after only two weeks because she just LIKED being treated like a piece of meat. You want us to beleive you did not woo her at all? You see, by not being forthright with her about it and perhaps leading her on, your standards are not just double they are off the charts. If you did let her know your intentions were nothing more than sex, then maybe she just 'boned' you for the sheer joy of it herself. Yanno... being true to HER desires. Her only error in judgement was making you wait like a pavlovian dog.
-
-
DrowseyMonkey...
I do not mean to offend, but the line 'A real man/woman knows who he/she is and stays true to that regardless of what happens' is absolute nonsense. COMPLETE nonsense!
You said it's about how you handle what happens to you... I handle it by putting myself first instead of women. I tried every day, day in and day out for seven years, being nice to women, treating them with extra respect. Got the shaft for it. So instead of putting women's feelings first, I put my desires first.-
Well,that's a shame. But maybe it's just a phase for you. You sound angry. Everyone gets angry ... but you shouldn't live your life from that perspective, I mean that gives other people control. It's like how people treat you is controlling who you are.
-
-
The climax for me was I finally found a woman I'd fell in love with, albeit a little too quickly, and things were going SPLENDID for us both. The first time in twenty years there was any promise. All of a sudden she got a hair up her ass, or the wind changed or her last bath temperature wasn't right... or whatever sets women off, and she ditched me and start dating this pasty faced racist wanker. I was providing for her - she had a job but it wasn't enough, so I was helping her with her bills, feeding her children etc... even AFTER she ditched me. Then she stopped communication.
This is my personal story, but I've friends in three different countries that have been ditched for complete assholes. Women the world over are attracted to bad boys, and it's STUPID! To be honest I am angry. At people who sit back and act like millions of women DON'T let nice guys finish last.-
Well, I don't understand women like that either, but we're not all like that ... just like not all men are jerks, or whatever. Eventho as a women it's easier sometimes to think that all men are a-holes...even I have to admit that not all men are the same...eventho I don't really want to,lol.
Anyway ... you're young. Be angry ... it's normal ... but you can't stay angry forever it wastes too much energy. But it's a good barrier ... just don't let that barrier grow too thick...that makes for a very unhappy life.
Okay...I'm done lecturing now
-
-
I'm not sure I personally would classify 29 as young... but I definitely can stay angry forever. I've been angry for 22 years and am showing no signs of slowing down. Anger and hatred are very easy things to live with, and often are good for you if you know how to control them.
-
It sounds like you have absorbed the blame, and you believe on some level that you deserved it. It is hard to let go of anger when everyone tells you it is your fault, and on some level you don't have enough compassion for yourself, to let go of the angry feeling and move on. You lost someone important to you. Are you going to focus on the lose or what is in front of you, that is new and full of love and potential in your life. Sorry to be preachy.
-
-
Yes, most people do make mistakes. Not only men. I don't know whether it is only men who makes mistakes, but I know that men do make mistakes.
To err is human right?-
what I was refering to is those particular mistakes I mentioned; those mistakes that men make with women in dating
-
-
Some men use these ' techniques' as a form of control,
Sad really but it happens...not mistakes - sometimes intentional...-
you think it's control?
-
-
If intentional and the fella controls through bringing out insecurities or ' not worthy' then yes - she looks to him for approval as her self worth can often be erroded....
-
I see what you are saying. It's like he thinks, if I beat her down, she won't leave me
-
-
Correct Elaine, Some men do that, yes - she stays with him to gain approval even though the approval may never come - like a drug that's bad some keep going - others have the courage to get out....
-
Approval is definitely a drug I'm weaning myself off of. There was a man who I had a brief fling with @ work, and even though I had moved on, and started to date someone else, he still feels free to critique the color of the lip stick I wear. Everyone else complimented me on my look. HE was the one person, who had to try and bring me down. Luckily everyone thinks he is a big egomaniac.
-
-
LOL. mmm well i think from a guys point of view its like... you want to get at someone so you try hard and be all you can be to make that other person attracted to you but once you have that fruit that you couldnt get from that big tall tree you feel..."MEH" its like yeh i got it. mmm great.... yeh i think thats how guys feel -
I am very tolerant of women in every way. I believe they should retain the right to vote. I do not believe in the stoning of witches. And, I believe street urchins should be taken off the streets, have a roof put over their heads to keep the rain drops from falling upon their heads, and given their own shoes, and kitchen. -
What the hell is a street urchin?
Something I missed? Hilarious -
women? you're talking about women? LOL... -
I am a man and I thought I made a mistake once but I was mistaken!!! -
2 Types of men in the world..Sadly many woman pick the wrong kind..
And often times woman go after what they think is a better match.. I know
lots of "good" men who get ditched because their woman was attracted to the jerk..
All us men know that he is a jerk but for some strange reason woman gravitate toward them...
Then after years of mental abuse, hoping, praying etc... They come to the conclusion that they are unhappy in life.... There are many men in the world who use verbal abuse as a form of control..
The real question is why are so many woman attracted to jerks to begin with?
One thing I know without a shadow of a doubt we are who we are, we cannot be changed man or woman...
Chances are if you keep running into the same situation with the men or woman for that matter that you date.. You keep picking the same type of person over and over just in a different body..
Ultimately the problem is not the other gender the problem is you.. If you willfully choose to be with someone take the responsibility for the outcome.. -
Men who "change" after a few months of the relationship dont really change.They just take their masks off which they put on in the first place.
Women should dig deeper.No one can conceal that he is a jerk very well.There are always signs a smart woman can catch. -
That's a great question Elaine. I can give you some tips that have kept me married for 21 years. By the way, I doubt you have the problem you were asking about.
Mike -
Still mulling this one over: "a man always manipulates a woman by making her believe he does not love her; a woman always manipulates a man by making him believe she understands his wounds".
Be that as it may, one must be intelligent to love, that is common knowledge, but one must be very intelligent to truly love, and this is not so well known! -
To be honest it hard for us guys to stay focused. Once we have conquered something, including the woman we love, we get restless. I am not making an excuse I am only saying that men make lots of mistakes in their relationships but they can move from being a jerk to being a nice guy again. That will mean you as a woman will have to have some patience but that does not mean you have to put up with unfaithfulness. I think this would be an excellent subject for me to write on at my blog. Once I have done that in a way that it makes more sense than what I am doing here I will leave another comment here. -
I always ROTFLOL when guys say "I tried being the 'good guy' for 25 years, and I got nowhere, so what's the point?". Well the point, which these guys obviously miss, is that any guy who 'tries' to be a 'good guy' or a 'gentleman' or a 'nice guy' and then quits when he doesn't get the girls he thinks he deserves, was NEVER A GOOD OR NICE GUY OR A GENTLEMAN IN THE FIRST PLACE. And we women know that!!
And some of us started dating you when you stopped acting like you were a better person than you really are, because we'd rather be with a jerk who's not a phony than a phony jerk pretending to be a Choirboy.
We can spot a phony easily, and the worst kind of phony is a skunk who acts like he's on Sunday dinner with Mom because he thinks it's going to score him points with girls.
Until you guys give up pretending in order to score, the quality women will be backing away slowly, holding our noses. Just be yourself, and if that doesn't get you the women you want, try ACTUALLY IMPROVING YOURSELF, becoming a truly better person, from the inside out. Because if you're pretending to be something you aren't (this applies to both sexes), then the person you attract won't be compatible with you. Because your true self will come out eventually, and it will be ugly ugly ugly, no matter how long-term or deep your relationship. -
Men always make mistakes weeeeeeeeell at least my partner keeps telling me that I was a mistake and she is always right. Only joking but we all make mistakes its only that men do not like to admit that they do.
Add Your Comment
Login to leave a message.
