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Do people generally give up too easily on their marriages?
Posted by parentconsensus • 9/30/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: family, love, marriage, marry, relationships
What do you think? Do people give up too easily on marriage? Is marriage important to you? Why?
User Comments
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This is an insulting question to everyone who's had a marriage that ended in divorce.
I've never met anyone who divorced and felt they didn't give it their all. It's only people who've never gone through it who get all judgmental about the decisions other people make. -
Yes marriage is important. It is a partnership, a family and a home.
The divorce rate is 50% or more. Marriage like any other partnership needs work. Sometimes it is easy for some to walk away or to give up. It takes character (two characters) to make it work. Too many people walk away before they build partnership character. Both people need to give equally in order to experience that balanced feature, however it seldom turns out this way. I just keep trying ... we both do. -
I on the other hand feel that people get together by their own will... and they split by their own will as well..
in other words marriage is simple two people choosing to be together... some take the vows seriously and stick together through the hard times... wussies will give up and take the easy way out... -
generally I think they don't. I think they fight long and hard in the divorce court -
I would rephrase the question and ask - Do people value their marriages like they use to?
Too often people throw away their marriages on stupid mistakes (financial and/or immoral). Mistakes that only take once, and are so devastating to one or the other that divorce in inevitable. To throw away trust on these irreconcilable mistakes can almost guarantee a divorce these days.
To all the others - I would say they genuinely think or believe they have given it their all.
In a damaged marriage, there comes a point where it becomes irreparable. Some people stick it out for years hoping that it will go back to when they were first a couple, only to find that they’ve wasted another 10 - 20 yrs of their lives on the same stupid mistakes.
There’s smart and then there’s stupid. The difference is knowing when to say enough is enough. -
Interesting how those who haven't been married (and/or divorced) have such judgmental views. Confirms what I said above.
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Hey Drowsey...obviously didn't mean to offend. But for a proponent of not judging--you are being pretty tough on folks. Marriages end for amazingly good people every day--people who worked their guts out trying to make it work. We know that. I've been married for 23 years...and that is a credit to my wife and I SO FAR, working hard at times for it. HOWEVER, we also been REALLY LUCKY (though at times we've had some really crappy hardships). So far, we've chosen, each on our own, to stay, even even after seeing other folk's marriages end after going through things similar to what we've gone through. One cannot help but wonder in the face of those things--is there anything else that could have been done? And let's state the obvious: responding to most discussions in this community requires "judgment" of some kind...if not, there would be no variety of opinion.
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Being tough and being judgmental are 2 different things.
Anyway, like jafabrit says below, in the past people were trapped in marriages, "At one time people were trapped in a marriage whereas now they don't need to be. Does that equate to giving up or choosing not to be trapped?"
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I don't take offense to your question, but i did fight and did as much as i could possibly to to stop the divorce, but in the end i am in Iraq and she was divorcing me.-
assuming to serve, not to vacation. thank you! get home safely, if not already!
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I don't know! Is there some research that can give some indication of this or is it that divorce is easier.
Sometimes I think people change, or the dynamics change and they fall out of love. At one time people were trapped in a marriage whereas now they don't need to be. Does that equate to giving up or choosing not to be trapped? -
I have never been married and there is a reason for that. I love life and love people and I want to be married, but I am not going to sacrifice my sanity for someone else.
My parents have been married for 36 years and that is what I want.
I recognize that I am selfish in some ways and I am not ready to sacrifice my personal and mental growth.
I think if someone is divorce means something was broken. -
tjefferson85....I am really sorry to hear this man. That sucks. REAL sorry. My brother was a chaplain over there in Tikrit for 14 months, '04 and '05...and talking to good people like you on marriage strain issues was a big part of his job. I wish you long life...and happiness around the corner...
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Saddams old stomping grounds! If it wasn't for the chaplain, i wouldn't have been able to handle it as well as i did.
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I think people give up too easily. My wife and I reached our 18th wedding anniversary yesterday. It can be hard work, and at times one wants to give up, but in general its a choice, a commitment, more than about feelings. Mostly its about thinking of your spouse before yourself - that's the really tough bit.
Robert
mulledvine.blogspot.com -
I think people marry too easily... -
Am I in the twilight zone? **hears the twilight music** -
I second that.
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Its a parallel world. Welcome, Shy. ;-)
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where is my welcoming gift then? I feel ripped off now, no party, no gift, I want to go back to the "real" world.
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This is the real world. Where have YOU been?
I bet the others are wondering what we're smoking...
But then they are not real either.-
Whatever I am smoking I can tell you it is legal here in Holland!
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Very important...but if bearing too much of some issues involved, is quite tiring, so better to leave the fence!
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We often expect our marriage partner to perform for us or meet our needs in order to love them. That is self love not love. Too often we do give too early and then go out trying to find someone or something to meet our needs. We are kind of like the guy who bought a mine during the gold rush and after digging for months and finding no mother load went into town and out of frustration sold his mine to a guy for pennies on the dollar. The guy studied the former owners notes and determined that the mother load was just inches from reach. Sure enough after a few days of digging he hit it. Marriage can be like that but often we are digging in the wrong place. To me marriage is all about a man loving his wife and a wife respecting her husband. That is found in Ephesians 5: 33. When a woman does not feel she is loved by her husband she does not give respect and when a husband does not feel respected by his wife he does not give love. It is a circle that destroys many marriages.
By the way I was one of those guys who did not know how to love and I experienced two divorces because of that. I was a good, hard working man, did not cheat, always came home from work, but I did not know how to love. Now I have been married 22 years. I am not a perfect guy or husband but I have learned how to love. -
Marriage is very important to save the man kind!! it's the soul of life! -
It took me 14 years to give up on my marriage - and believe me, it wasn't easy! -
I haven't looked at this discussion for awhile, but there is really some great stuff here. Thank you all for sharing!
I will say that I am happy to say that I have been married to an amazing woman for 24 years. It was very tough at times. But I don't really remember those too much. The good stuff always comes to mind first.
I don't hold that up like some golden badge of achievement or lord it over those people who have been through the pain of an abusive marriage and/or divorce. I am just glad we made it and hope the rest of you do too--if marriage is something you seek.
A little of my story. My wife was diagnosed with Crohn's disease not 5 months after we married in 1985. She had a miserable few years before recovering fully in our 7th year of marriage. It strained a lot of things...strained finance (you owe $29,000 pay today!!I was making like $20K a year then)...strained intimacy (ahem)...strained my "server" (I was called on to serve my wife more than I had ever been challenged to before--surprise, I was a selfish guy!).
There came a voice in my head during that 7 years saying, "You know...you could bail." (I said I was selfish.) For awhile there I made a DAILY decision to stay married. That voice went away only when I chose to love my wife day after day--and refused to dwell on the "downside"--oh and I also took divorce out of my list of options. Funny how one's perspective changes when you remove options and get BOTH feet in the marriage--committed to make it last to last. That was 17 years ago...
She has changed a LOT over the years...she is in many ways completely different from the woman I married...(frankly she is much stronger now, more opinionated, more independent). This happened kind of in stages. So there is the other trick...as your spouse grows and changes...choosing/ falling in love at each stage is important. Appreciating them for who they are.
Even as challenges with the kids, finance, disagreements over various things that come up...you know, I find new reasons to love her and new ways to love her. As an older man now, I can see how this can be a lifelong thing. And that's important too. Anyway...my wish for each of you is happiness.-
"oh and I also took divorce out of my list of options. Funny how one's perspective changes when you remove options and get BOTH feet in the marriage--committed to make it last to last. That was 17 years ago..."
I think this is really key. This ties right in with my intended response to this question, which was that I think people enter into marriage too easily, and are thus primed to give up too easily. When the law and social custom make it so easy and acceptable to get divorced, marriage vows for most don't mean anything like what they used to--it's not a commitment to stay together no matter what, but until the situation seems untenable. I've said this before and it always brings a hail of protests from people who claim that they've never known anyone who entered into marriage not intending it to be permanent, but that contradicts statements (often by the same people) about "what would make you leave?" Unless your answer to that question going into marriage is "absolutely nothing", then you've entered into the marriage knowing that you can always take the out.
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I think the statement 'people give up to easily' is too simplistic and does not strike at the heart of why marriages fail.
Marriage is important to me...but marriage isn't for everyone. That is certainly true at points in our lives when one or both spouses are not committed to making the relationship THE priority.
There are many reasons why people divorce. Economic hardship and incompatible values are among the top bottom line reasons. -
I think some people give up to easily. For others, no amount of hard work and dedication can make it work.
I can look to couples who have divorced after years of trying their best, others who gave up because the marriage became inconvenient, and yet others who have struggled, but managed to have a successful marriage. -
it is difficult enough to understand my own fears, needs, skills and emotions. a bit more difficult to understand those of my partner. and downright impossible to figure those of friends or complete strangers. having been divorced twice, i know people have judged me (mostly folks who haven't been through one themselves). i can't control that obviously. but one thing i have learned to control is making similar judgements of others. i don't know if people give up too soon. i don't know if others just settle for mediocrity. i don't really know anything about others. i do know that a life long relationship (which i think most would prefer to have), is really hard work. and as long as i go into a relationship seriously and give it the attention it will need, that's all i can ask of myself.
so i guess i find the question somewhat judgemental in that it implies if one's marriage fails, one didn't try hard enough. i'm very glad in your case that it has worked out for you so far, and who knows maybe you'll be able to see it through for life. hope so anyway. but if it doesn't make it, do me a favor and revisit this question of yours and see if you might phrase it differently. -
i was married for 20 years to the same man. It was a give and take relationship. he gives.. i take..
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Mizdemeanor - LOL - I think you have uncovered the elusive secret to the perfect marriage!
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@Anok:
Great one! (Topic for discussion) Egregiously...YES! There are of course marriages of convenience and keeping in step we have divorces that cost less that $100 and are referred to as "Disillusionments"; yet, recently I was made aware of the 'drive thru' divorce.
At last reference the data suggested that 50% of all first time marriages end in divorce; naturally one would think...'Ah I've learned my lesson' however 70% of all second marriages end in divorce.
As long as society mandates the ease with which to acquire a divorce, I see nothing that would indicate these rates coming down. Relationships of all sorts are difficult to put it mildly.
Friend to friend, lover to lover, brother to brother, neighbors, husbands, wives, parents, high-school adolescents, and I'm sure LGBT is in as well; fact of the matter is that (1) People need to understand that relationships and marriage is work and (2) just remember who you're making a 'vow' too! Cheers!!-
Where can you get a divorce for less than $100? In many states, the filing fee is more than that.
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Not under a $100 - but many do-it-yourself divorce places cost around $100. They charge you a filing fee, and that's it.
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I strongly believe in marriage. I am not married now. However, I believe that if you have the right partner and put GOD first, your marriage can and will last. -
most certainly but it deserves a second chance, at least. -
I think many people feel a pressure to marry by a particular age and marry the wrong person.
I also think most people who marry, for right or wrong reasons, try really hard to make it work.
Most married couples who have children and divorce do it when their kids get to school age. This makes complete sense for the growing apart since when kids go off to school the child's relationships turn toward other children and the adults are then left to look at a relationship they may have thought they were investing in with children, but in fact overlooked.
Still, as a relatively newly married person, the thing that scares me is the growing apart. Ahhh.
I'm still wild about my husband though so I'll work and hope for the best. -
I second SwedishSkier, many people feel obliged to analyze their decision to marriage based on the prospect that looks good on paper, whatever that may be according to society and/or family/friends' guidelines instead of following their heart and intution. -
Honestly, having gone through major marital problems, a 5 month separation, marriage counseling, and months and months of not being able to stand being in the same room with my husband, I can say it would have been MUCH easier to have walked away. Part of me seriously wanted to. I hated his guts. I hated myself for how I behaved when I was around him while hating his guts. I hated the marriage counselor. It was the worst! I felt obligated to keep working on it because we have 2 kids and he was slowly making positive changes. Luckily, we were able to work it out and have been back together 9 months. Our marriage doesn't even resemble what it used to be and we are happier with ourselves and each other than ever before (married 11 years). Having said that, I don't think everyone is willing or able to really look at themselves in the heat of marital discord and make the changes that each of us made. Without those changes, we would not be together today. So....I think your question is too general. It all depends on the individuals and if they are BOTH willing to look at themselves and their roles in creating the disharmony in their marriage. And even if both ARE willing to look at themselves honestly, they may still determine that they can't work out their differences and need to move on.
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Any answer to this question would be a huge generalization. It depends on the marriage and the people in it. -
Do you think is easy to break a marriage?
The answer is no. -
You can't say for sure unless you're one of the people who actually experienced the divorce. Otherwise, as DrowseyMonkey said, we're really not in a position to judge. Unless, of course, it's obvious that the marriage was only for money or some other ulterior motive in the first place. In which case, it's not 'giving up', it's just completing a job. -
I think people both can give up too easily and don't think it through enough before hand. I think the romantic implications of proposting, wearing a ring and the wedding itself draws people in and they only look at the aspect of the passion of wanting to be together forever. They don't ACTUALLY take their partners for better or worse, because often times when it gets worse, they either cheat of leave.-
How many people do you know who have planned the marriage as carefully as they planned the wedding?
In my experience, most people put time and effort into planning that one day but expect the rest of their lives together to just "work out." It doesn't happen that way!
My husband and I are very compatible. We don't work at our marriage because we don't have to...and we don't have to because we are so compatible. BUT...
We spent months doing in-depth discussions about everything from having (in our case it would be surrogacy or adoption) children to who would pay the bills, how we would handle each other's families (he's foreign and not white...could be a problem with my very conservative family---I'm foreign and older than he is...could be a problem with his culture). By the time the wedding happened, we had very little to disagree about as it was all settled beforehand.
Of course, those kinds of discussions must occur between people who are willing to be truthful with their partner, even if it means it will show up serious incompatibilities that could break up the relationship. Before you can make a happy marriage with a truly compatible person, you must be willing to walk away from the incompatible ones, no matter how much it hurts your heart!
If you do this BEFORE the marriage, the likelihood of the marriage failing is greatly reduced. -
I don't think very many people actually sit down and do that. I think they fall in love, have great sex and passion and then the idea of marriage extends that passion. I also think a lot of people are not willing to walk away from someone they love but are not compatable with. Doing that is very hard, but why continue something that will only create a difficult life?
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I think you are right.
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