Discussions
Do you think it's OK for couples to have separate bedrooms?
Posted by beckywhetstone • 2/26/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: couples, family, happily married, home plans, living together, marriage, relationships
I do, and I'm a Marriage and Family Therapist!! Please visit my blog post at doctorbecky.livejournal.com/5779.html and let me know what YOU think!!
Doctor B
User Comments
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Yes...I have a newly married friend who hasn't slept well in months because her husband snores too loud. The lack of sleep is straining her relationship even though she loves him.-
Snoring - both my wife and I can relate to that. Not to be an alarmist, but in both our cases, there was a medical issue. -
I've dumped women who have snored. No I don't feel bad for doing so, I stand by my misogynistic actions. -
@riverstyxxx ---well alrighty then. -
My wife snores but I can fall asleep on the back of a angry bear when it's bed time, so we are a match made in heaven.
But to the original question, NO...it's not cool to sleep in separate beds. My grand parents did and lived like strangers until they died. So sad.
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I hate sharing a bed so I would say yeah. -
No, never, no way. -
@Becky
I have always had my own bed since I left my childhood home and that's never going to change. BTW it was one of the conditions that I set for getting married over 30 years ago now. We each have our own bedrooms. I told my husband to be that last thing I needed was his snoring and thrashing disturbing my sleep at night, and he agreed saying he felt the same way about my snoring and thrashing.
I read your post on your blog and shouted woot! when I read your point number 1. I wanted to leave a comment but your blog is set up only to accept openID sign in or livejournal sign in. I need the setting for username and url.-
Thanks for agreeing with me -- it's always nice when that happens!
Becky
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Except when one or the other of us was out of town, my wife and have shared a bed for over a quarter-century. I know that there may be practical reasons why this may not work - but it's a wonderful way to bond.
Also, during Minnesota winters, decidedly more comfortable.
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I think it is really none of my business how other couples want to have their sleeping arrangements.
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I agree Arcticulates --- if the scriptures don't speak on it just maybe we shouldn't either. (Just maybe :-)
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How ever one wants to sleep, even on the coach, is fine by me.-
Unless one of the two in said couple is a coach, sleeping on a coach can't be good for it!
(unless it's an open one ... relationship, that is)
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We are not talking about separate beds here but separate bedrooms!! Why bother even living together. Just date and see each other every couple of days. Hey - live your own life but if you get married or live together then do just that.
Don't play at it.
Just my humble opinion.-
Not all bedrooms are large enough to hold two separate beds. Nor are all snorers quiet enough to avoid in just a separate bed.
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There's no "if" about me being married. That happened over 30 years ago and we're still going strong. ... lol
Because we each have our own rooms we can close our doors and not hear each other snore, snort, burp, and fart all night long at night. Yup, we can both get a full night's sleep and wake up refreshed.
We each have the kind of bedroom decor, desk, computer station, other furniture and personal possessions of our own choosing in our own rooms, and we also have our own double closets.
In her post Becky says in part:
"... To me, it's not healthy for couples who are supposed to find some sort of romantic and intimate connection over the long haul to be around each other all the time. ... Each person having space and the option to connect is a healthy thing."
To that I say: AMEN -
TT I agree! When people are dating, the romance aspect is very high because both people can go home, to their private space, and get away from the relationship a little bit. But when you're married (particularly if your house is small) the intimacy can fade away because you are in each other's faces day in and day out.
Part of that, in my experience is due to a subconscious build up of resentment towards each other. When you are forced to share everything, and wind up with a lack of personal space and privacy - you start to view the other person as an obstacle to your personal freedom. Also - when you wake up next to your partner in the beginning of a relationship, the bad breath, stinky feet and other assorted morning body functions are OK.
When you wake up next to that every day for years on end after years of poor sleep..it's not so cute anymore. Sexual attraction tends to go...downhill. -
In most households each partner goes off to work all day long, and commuting can take hours so the time they do spend together is minimal. In our case, we are a self-employed, child-free couple, working at home and sharing our studio which is the whole ground floor level of our home. The the need for time and space to be alone is important to us, perhaps more important than it is to others, because for us the option to connect is always there.
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You don't agree that familiarity breeds contempt and spending time apart keeps the romance alive?
Doctor Becky -
You don't agree that familiarity breeds contempt and spending time apart keeps the romance alive?
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I'm sorry I left an italic tag open and cannot close it.
I do agree with you. From what we can tell our friends have relationships that are lacking in the romance and intimacy department. They sleep together and they get sick together too. They have sex at night, without any significant romantic build-up to it and/or foreplay. They rarely ever socialize as individuals and don't make new friends unless it's with other couples. They have major differences of opinion and even fight and sleep together without making up first. And, they wouldn't dream of taking separate vacations.
That doesn't describe my marriage at all. There is still mystery, romance, foreplay, intimacy, and a lot of fun in my marriage. We have twice gone on separate vacations and when we connected again we had mini honeymoons. -
Perhaps I can close it?
Did it work?
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I would like to have, at the very least two separate beds - often my husband or I will go for the couch while the other gets the bed just for a decent night's sleep. Between the thrashing, and my husband's sleep apnea induced MASSIVE snoring, I get little to no sleep at all.
And because I turn him over periodically through the night in order to make the snoring stop, he gets little to no sleep through the night.
Besides that, he's a bed and blanket hog.-
Anok, my late husband had serious sleep apnea. It is a medical condition that should be attended to, as it has some serious health...and longevity...consequences if not.
He got a CPAP machine that eliminated both the apnea and the snoring. I found the sound of the machine very soothing...almost like a white noise generator...and it actually helped me to sleep.
Please encourage your husband to seek medical attention for his sleep apnea if he has not already done so. -
He did seek medical attention for it, but his insurance wasn't good enough for the doctors.
So he hasn't gotten any treatment
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I like the idea of separate his and her style quarters. And with this sleeping situation you can still choose to share a bed if you like but you have the option to sleep in your own room. I like these choices!
This idea speaks to me as well because I get hot very quickly and I don't like tons of covers even in the winter this can be problematic for a lot of sleep partners. Also I have keen sensitivity to touch and wake at the slightest little pin prick, it is down right annoying sleeping with someone especially if he is a thrasher, wants to sleep thisclose or needs tons of blankets.-
I love your response -- so many people take it personally that I would suggest separate bedrooms -- but to me, if we did it, the divorce rate would go down!!
Doctor Becky -
I don't think sharing or not sharing a bed/bedroom has anything to do with divorce rates going up or down.
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Couples should do what ever makes their relationship work.
That being said.
Im wondering if you have separate bedrooms do you set rules like?
Knock when the door is closed?
Is the other person allowed to use your room?
Are you responsible to clean your own room?
And do you even wonder what is going on in their at night? LOL-
I would think that the same rules apply with his and hers bathrooms.
Privacy is privacy, and respect is respect. -
Oh yes, there must be respectful behavior when you have the separate bedrooms -- you knock before entering, and you're responsible for your own space from a cleanliness standpoint. Why care what your spouse is doing in there -- it's THEIR time!! They're probably doing what you're doing!! LOL.
Doctor Becky -
lol ...
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Everything is Ok as soon as it is your choice. But I wouldn't do this ...I would not even sleep in 2 separate beds... -
I once saw a really stupid news piece where journalists were shocked that a lot of couples don't sleep in the same bed at night. The journalist asked one couple how they had kids. Ignornant! Unless you are really boring, who only has sex right before they go to sleep at night? My ex husband and I slept in different rooms. His snoring was unbelievable. I simply couldn't sleep. It was easier on both of us to sleep in separate rooms. -
OMG.....LMAO
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Only until they are living together. -
Whatever works in your relationship.-
Now THAT is a great response!!
Doctor B
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For my husband and I NO WAY!!! But for others, what ever works for them. It's not always about being next to someone, or cuddling. When my grandfather returned from WWII, he was injured, and needed to sleep in a bed by himself. That became more comfortable for him. My grandparents had 9 kids, sleeping in seperate beds, go figure. They slept in seperate beds, but obviously played in one!-
Yes!! Being in separate beds and rooms has everything to do with maintaining and increasing intimacy, NOT in lessening or eliminating it! Thanks for this!
Doctor B
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Of course it's fine. It doesn't mean you don't love your partner, just that perhaps they snore too loudly or that they're a serious bedhog. I went on holiday with a friend once and his dad snored so bloody loud it sounded like he was chopping down forests with a chainsaw. If my husband snored like that, I'd be in another room too. -
Yes, I think it's Ok. Some couples live in separate houses too and they're happy -
some couples get divorced beforehand, and they are eggstatic!
beingandquirckiness.blogspot.com/2009/01/divorce.html
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I think how another couple sets up their sleeping arrangements is none of my business.
My husband and I share a king-sized bed. But each of us has a personal area of the house...we each have a study. When that need for privacy occurs, we have places to retreat to. It works for us, but not everybody has a big house or can tolerate a snoring spouse or a restless sleeper. I think it is a very personal choice and it is a mistake to make inferences about the state of a couple's marriage based solely on their sleeping arrangements.-
I so agree. Many couples are happy BECAUSE there isn't a problem with separateness AND togetherness.
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Whatever makes people happy... -
When I first read the question, I thought oh no, not I, it's part of the relationship. But then reading some of the responses and rationales, it doesn't sound so crazy.
I wonder...-
But then reading some of the responses and rationales, it doesn't sound so crazy.
It's not crazy -- it's adjustable. All living arrangements made within marriage ought to be tailored to suit the two partners and their needs and desires. None of our friends, who married at the time that we did, had a relationship like ours or a living arrangement like ours. Most fought like cats and dogs, had kids, split up and entered second and third relationships. Only 3 other couples that we know that date back to the time we married are still together today. -
Trust me, it's NOT crazy!!
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I don't see why people shouldn't do as they please?
So if the couple want to - then of course it is ok. -
It's okay to many but for me it's absolutely not. I can't even sleep without my hubby beside me. Except from communication, I believe that our relationship will get deeper if we eat and sleep together.-
I can't even sleep without my hubby beside me.
You must be kidding, right? -
Probably not, though. People need to cycle between being alone and connecting ... this is the healthy way!!
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NO! well for me at least I don't like that set-up I saw that with my parents and they just grow apart. -
I would love to have a seperate bedroom. I have three small children and I am the one who wakes up in the middle of the night. Then, I hear lots of sounds from my husband who sounds like a freight train. I just end up with very little sleep.
It would also be nice to not have to consult my husband on the decor of the room. I'm a girly girl and I want a canopy, flowers, and lace. That does not go over so well with my husband.
I want my wall filled with my books. I don't think my husband will let me do that. I think when you share a room you loose a small piece of who you are because every decision on design has to be talked over and usually it goes in his favor. -
My spouse quit sleeping with me after being estranged, neither did she speak to me most of the time after that.
What did I do?
I turned the room in which I was sleeping into temple space. -
anything that suits the situation, i guess. when my kid was young and wanted to sleep beside my wife, i ended up sleeping on the mattress
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I absolutely love cuddling up in bed with my husband. In fact, we sleep wrapped in each other's arms. He snores, softly--but that doesn't bother me. I'll never forget this Dear Abby letter a woman wrote about how she HATED her husband's snoring and how it kept her awake every night. Another woman wrote her back, saying that her husband had died recently and how much she would give to hear his snoring again.
I have a history of having terrible nightmares in my life--and still do, although they are better in the last few years. I sometimes awaken, screaming and crying in the night--and I love that my husband is right there, ready to hold and comfort me. I wouldn't change a thing.
But, I don't think it is wrong to have separate bedrooms. That's not the choice I would make, personally, though.-
I don't mind snoring husbands either. When I was a very little girl, I had a very unstable life situation and my grandparents took me in. My grandfather could have won Olympic gold for his snoring!
When I would awaken in the night and be disoriented or afraid, hearing my grandfather snoring in his bedroom was a comforting sound for me. To this day, the only negative I associate with snoring was my late husband's sleep apnea: it wasn't the snoring that disturbed my sleep, it was when he stopped and then struggled to breathe. My present husband snores, somewhat less than my grandfather, but enough to be a comforting presence. -
@sweetviolet--I agree so much . To me, the snoring is a comforting sound. I know I am safe when I hear my husband snoring softly next to me.
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Been thinking about it since the other day and I believe a couple should share a bedroom, as well as a bed. Some of it is the casual intimacy that develops when you share that small a space. And intimacy is important. Some of it is the core of compromise that is marriage, the coming together of two to be one. And compromise is important. Some of it is the dynamic that is created by sharing a bed, and who that makes you in the context of you.
You can either be married, or have a roommate you sleep with? And the postures that come with either situation.-
That's interesting. Both my husband and I came from very large families where we had to share our rooms and our beds with younger siblings. Our parents relied on us as older kids to help raise the kids who were younger than we were. Not surprisingly, throughout our childhoods we both longed to have our own rooms and time alone in privacy.
We are childfree by choice, and unlike other couples we do not work in two different locations away from home. We work at home together in the same business. We cuddle a lot and we cuddle at different times of the day, several times a day, including when we first wake up and before we go to bed. We have sex whenever we choose to, because we are the only two people who live in our home.
We have a livingroom where we can watch TV together or turn it off and hang out. We also have a den/library/family room where we can read or listen to music or just hang out. If one of us wants to watch TV or listen to music and the other doesn't want to then we have alternative places do go and to do what we want to do. Most of the time we do hang out together. However, I think that time and space to be alone is important to us, perhaps more important than it is to others, because for us the option to connect is always there.
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Absolutely - let's face it - a whole lot of us men are world champion snorers. -
Yes. I sleep in one room with my woman, and my wife sleep in the other with her man. -
I guess this question raises another, which is how do you define marrage?
I hear a lot of people talking about having their space and time to themselves.
Everyone is intitled to their opinion and that's cool.
So here's mine, once you say "I DO" you forfit alot of the stuff you had as a single person. Including "your space" and "your time". I think people try to mix single life with marrage and it's like oil and water.-
So here's mine, once you say "I DO" you forfit alot of the stuff you had as a single person. Including "your space" and "your time". I think people try to mix single life with marrage and it's like oil and water.
I don't know what you mean by "single life". My husband and I did not choose to forfeit anything by saying "I do". In fact we wrote our own prenuptial contract and our marriage vows and committed to them. Thirty years later we can make a couple many claims that other couples can't. We still love each other and we are still together. Unlike most other couples we don't have a history of a string of broken relationships trailing behind us.
My husband and I agree that marriage is a formal commitment based on a decision to establish a life long relationship based on equality, freedom and complementarity, rather than need.
The foundation for a successful marriage is mutual respect, trust, equality, freedom, affection and a desire to allow one another to grow to their fullest potential within the relationship.
In successful relationships, couples have effective conflict resolution processes and they learn to adapt and change together by becoming reslient. They accept change as an inevitable part of human life and support each other through change. They acknowledge that change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy and that it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe.
To be clear I do NOT believe that becoming legally married is a requirement for a happy, healthy relationship that endures a lifetime. Many unmarried couples I know have demonstrated this truth. However, I do believe that it takes time to form and assess whether or not the basic ingredients for a long term or lifetime commitment exist within in a relationship, and that's what co-habitation is for. If it does exist then I believe it’s advisable to formalize that relationship by creating a prenuptial contract. -
I knew I'd get some backlash.
Prenuptial contract? Timethief, I'm not opposed to many of the points you've made, but it is clear we are on totally different lines of thought. It really would be fruitless for us to debate these issues. You've stated your opinions and I've stated mine. Let's leave it at that.
p.s., I enjoy your blogging tips on One cool site. -
Hi there,
I simply replied to add some clarity. I'm glad you read what I had to say but like you I don't have any interest in entering a formal "debate". Frankly, I don't really care what arrangements other couples make.
Happy blogging -
I hear ya! I label myself a bit eccentric too.
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I personally enjoy sleeping with my hubby (snoring and all). I don't see anything wrong with how a couple chooses to sleep as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement. -
There are times when it is necessary for couples to have separate beds but I would hope they don't always keep physically separate. -
As others were mentioning, it's unbearable to try and sleep next to someone who snores...so in that case yes! -
I hate having to sleep with my husband and he knows it! He farts in his sleep. Also i am a night owl and almost always fall asleep on the couch. As for sex life. Who ever said it always had to be done in the bedroom? We have four children together. Does not mean the sex life and love for each other is not there.-
@grumpy1
Thanks for the laugh.
I really appreciated your forthright comment. From time to time I have lingered in my husband's bed, fallen asleep and experienced this too. Worse still is to be dead asleep and to be assaulted by an out flung arm or leg and then awaken to the stench -- no thanks! I want as much mystery and romance as possible. -
Exactly!
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I don't need to think of my husband in terms of large animals one might find wallowing in muddy ponds in zoos but it's hard not too if we sleep in the same bed. He's twice my size and when he becomes flipper the seal and smacks me in his sleep, farts and turns over to begin sounding like a chainsaw that needs sharpening --- well, let's just say that I'm not thinking in terms of him being tall, dark, handsome and desirable.
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It's interesting to note that historically it was only poor men, who had a single bed for the two to sleep in. In fact, the very poor had one big bed, kids in the bed with them and lived with animals under the same roof. Meanwhile the well off had separate his and hers suites, children's wings and stables.
Yet today some men react to the thought of not sharing a bed like it's never been heard of and like sex only happens just prior to sleep.
Give me a break ... she rolls her eyes ...
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My grandparents did... and I'm still here so it ain't all that bad! -
I just want to thank you all for such wonderful and thought-provoking comments and I hope you'll keep 'em coming!
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People should do what makes them happy. But sleeping in separate bedrooms would not make me very happy at all. -
I see nothing wrong with seperate beds, my wife begs to differ though, she snores and I snore so it's like the Fred Flintstone effect here. she can sleep through a bombing I think but she beg's to differ on that to, If I go to bed she has no problem sleeping, but if she goes to sleep before IIIII can not sleep so yes seperate beds are heavenly. -
there's nothing wrong with it i think. -
Certainly Becky! Some people just can't sleep with another person in there. Anyhow, nice to meet you and I'm a love and dating coach :-) -
no problem. -
Of course. There's nothing deeply immoral about keeping separate bedrooms and then sneaking up on your beloved for a little forbidden fruit in the night. Besides, as the first poster pointed out you may sleep better. -
My wife and I have had separate rooms for probably 15 years. There has been no real difference in our relationship. -
I think it depends on the couple, their sleep needs, health issues etc. While it isn't something I would do, I don't see that it is right or wrong, good or bad, just depends on the couple. -
I think it's OKAY for other couples to do whatever works for them. Separate bedrooms? Cool! Same bed, same room? Cool!
I sleep in the bed and share a room with my fiance. We have separate work schedules, so that's really the only time I get to share with him on most days. While most nights it's me disturbing HIS sleep (tossing and turning) he still tends to sleep the night away. -
Similarly to DCarroll, my wife and I have had separate bedrooms for nearly 20 years. Initially, it was work-related, but eventually developed into a lifestyle. Like others have said, it depends on the couple, and how their needs and circumstances evolve. -
The alchemy of relationships is an an inconsistent thing. A formula that works for one, will yield poor results for another: thus it's impossible to generalise. It really depends on the couple, and what their situation is: I certainly wouldn't attempt to judge the strength of any particular relationship based solely upon their sleeping arrangements. If they're locking their bedroom doors before going to bed, however, that may be a sign of trouble.
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Sure it is normal,it is all in the mind one can't enslave the mind it is unnatural to do something against the wishes of you mind if you wish to sleep in seperate bedrooms then do so. -
we share the same bed most evenings .. the only time we don't is when I go on a snoring rampage, then he gets up and goes to the couch lol .. -
If having seperate bedrooms comes from a healthy place...whatever that place may be, then yes. What works for them works for them.
Personally I would not do that...snoring or no snoring. -
I have no problem with seperate bedrooms if that's what the couple needs for whatever reason. -
yes I think its great to have seperate bedrooms.
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NO!! I can't sleep unless my spouse is right behind me and neither can he. It might work for some but for me, it's a HELL NO!, lol!
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