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Garden Gnomes: Tools of Violence

Posted by kdawg68 • 8/21/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: demon spawn, garden gnomes, wtf, xue chen

I've always known that garden gnomes were evil - or at least inspired evil in those they were able to influence.

www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,407283,00.html

What should be done about this problem?

I'm urging people to contact their local representatives in the govt. and urge that a solution to the "garden gnome problem" be enacted post haste.

On a side note - I see that Misty May retired after winning the beach volleyball gold last night. Guess I won't be able to watch her anymore (sigh). Oh well, at least I've still got Xue Chen.

User Comments

8/21/08

CharmaineZoe

Well, I don't know if whover threw my two gnomes into the garden pond were influenced in this way, but if they ever meet me I'll certainly have some 'influence' on them!

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  garden ponds - yes....oh my, I've got one as well, does yours require as much nonstop maintenance as mine? I've posted pics of ours here in another thread (I'll come back and edit with the URL).
  
  Edit: here's the link: www.blogcatalog.com/discuss/entry/post-your-photos-into-this-thread#comment...
  
  Algae blooms, goldfish mysteriously dying, fish ending up in my skimmer - and now they tell me our recent wasp infestation might be because of the attraction to the water of our pond. I'm pulling my hair out over it - but I love it too much to ever get rid of it.
  
  Luckily, no gnomes as of yet (although perhaps they are the culprits! Of course!!! Night gnomes, attacking my pond whilst I sleep!).
8/21/08

Anok

Too bad it was used against a teenaged child, though.

I mean, the gnome thing is funny, but the attack wasn't

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  phhhhbbffftt - phoey on you and your seriousness. Haven't you had your ninja coffee yet this morning? When is a gnome attack ever serious? Of course, we'll probably have to pay for therapy for her to get past her fear of gnomes now.
2. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  NO! I've not had my coffee yet.
  
  Well, only half of my recommended dosage, anyway.
  
  I think I'LL need therapy after this thread! I'm e mailing you my book , by the way. you will read it, and like it
3. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  No!!! never!!!! We've no shrubberies here!!!
  
  I'm just surprised none of you have feined leftist "it's a sin to click on a Foxnews link" outrage.
4. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  Oh no, we leftists LOVE clicking on Faux - I mean Fox news.
  
  For the laughs, you know.
  
  Are you saying Ni! To that old woman?
5. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  I see...well, I'm thinking you'll no doubt out sell Nancy Pelo-nobodyboughtmybook-si.
  
  "...including the aptly named Sir Not Appearing in this Film."
6. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  Ouch!
  
  LMAO. I didn't even realize she wrote a book. That's bad Besides, I'm hoping RC throws a copy of my book at Ann Coulter, so she can tell everyone what an Idiot I am, and help me sell millions of copies
  
  I'll give him a cigar for it, too
  
  There are some who call me!...........Tim....
7. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  RC? Former Pirates outfielder Roberto Clemente?
  
  "...oh look Dennis, there's some wonderful filth down 'ere!"
8. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  Right Commentary
  
  I thought we were an autonomous collective!
9. 8/21/08
  
  legbamel
  
  You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
10. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  Now we see the violence inherent in the system!!!
11. 8/21/08
  
  legbamel
  
  Help, help! I'm being repressed!
8/21/08

Manictastic

I thought those garden gnomes were a typical Belgian thing. Guess we ain't the only ones with BAD TASTE. Who'd put that in his garden, seriously. Only thing gnomes do is tell Raplh to burn things.

Wait a minute, that were the Irish. Damn you Irish gnomes

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  Ha! Once I visited Iowa for work, and started going on about how ridiculous gnomes were. The gal I was sitting with started to cry and told me that her and her mother whittle garden gnomes for additional income (and fun).
  
  I promptly reported her to the authorities and had her property seized by the state. We can't have lunatics like that living amongst us.
2. 8/21/08
  
  Manictastic
  
  Many Belgians moved to Iowa, methinks, (if I did my very basic research online okay). Maybe she has Belgian blood in her. You should've reported her to Immigration. They'd thrown her way across the pond.
3. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  You're right. I should have done the french fry test. Break out some fries, offer her some, and make it known that I have both mayonaise and ketchup!
  
  Actually, the secret invasion plans for the conquest of Luxembourg on her desk should've been a dead give away.
4. 8/21/08
  
  Manictastic
  
  Are we still trying to do that? Geesh! Don't they know in Brussels that our navy won't be any good to invade that landlocked country.
  
  I must confess, though, that I really like mayo better than ketchup on fries. (I is such a Belgian)
5. 8/21/08
  
  jafabrit
  
  shut yer gob! I love my garden gnome, and it would make an excellent weapon.
8/21/08

CrystalRaven

I want a garden gnome!!!!!!!!!

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  Oh no you don't - we're not letting gnomes AND witches mingle - that would be like "crossing the streams" in Ghostbusters.
2. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  Throw a pagan witch ninja into that mix...
  
  Whaddya get?
  
  Anarchy!
  
  Gimme an A...gimme an N...
3. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  Add a leper into the mix and you'd have yourself a nice stew!
  
  So there's a southpark routine that always makes me think of you, Anok. It's when "Stan" forms his dance troop to compete against the "you got served" kids. He approaches a group of non-conformists. The non-conformists all refuse to conform and join his dance troop. All except for one, who is "so non-conformist that he refuses to conform to the other non-conformists" and joins the troop.
  
  Such interesting dilemas you must find yourself in. Tell me, have you ever been "served?"
4. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  Hahahahahahaahaahaaahahahahaaha
  
  I serve people on a regular basis.
  
  "Morse chicken, honey?"
5. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  I'm picturing a Sunday morning breakfast in Alice's Restaruant. Arlo Guthrie's in the corner singing some sort of long-winded protest song. A strange (yet somewhat familiar) smell is in the air. Me, I'm there for the flapjacks - and the friendly ninja waitresses of course.
6. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  It's true, I do serve a mean flapjack
7. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  I picture Anok taking somone's order like this:
  
  customer: "I'll have some flapjacks, no wait, eggs...over easy. Can you do that? And don't make them too runny either. I'll also have some white toast, and to drink I'll have a glass of...."
  
  Anok: "hows about a nice tall glass of shut the h*** up!" (followed by roundhouse to the face).
8. 8/21/08
  
  legbamel
  
  I'm still pondering the morse chicken. What's the recipe, Anok?
  
  We used to steal all of the lawn ornaments we could find (gnomes especially) and pick a random yard to decorate. Life was so much easier after they started making birdbaths out of plastic.
9. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  Yes, morse chicken is a complicated recipe. It require tenderizing the meat in a series of dots and dashes based rhythm.
  
  Dot dot dash, dot dot dash....
8/21/08

CrystalRaven

rotflmaooooooooooo
oh I needed that laugh, ty!

[reply]
8/21/08

MadameX

I happened across this post immediately after reading this one on another blog: sothethingisblog.blogspot.com/2008/08/global-kitchen-gardens-and-borders.ht...

I'm pretty sure that there's a tie-in, and that the violence among lawn gnomes is just one more piece of of the unseen intrigue occurring in our gardens.

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  I blame the squirrels. They're freaking nuts.
2. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  I'm glad you've picked up on this MadameX. What sort of legal protection might we expect against unchecked garden gnome aggression?
  
  Perhaps we should threaten to install Patriot missile batteries and defense shields in neighboring lawns as a means of boxing in the gnomes where they exist?
3. 8/21/08
  
  MadameX
  
  I seem to recall that the children in the Harry Potter series have a method that involves swinging the gnomes in circles and then releasing them to go sailing off into the air--but that seems quite labor intensive. I wonder whether there might be some sort of hypnotic gas that could neutralize them without compromising the vegetables?
4. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  Can't we distract them with something?
  
  Do they like shiny objects?
  
  Distract and whack, the new garden gnome game - it's fun for the whole family!
5. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  hmmmmm...hypnotic gas you say. Quick, feed the ninja some beans!
8/21/08

Xight

Why do people even have those things.

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  I'm not sure...perhaps they are the only remaining product left on earth without a "made in China" sticker on them...or have the Chinese surpassed us in Garden Gnome production/technology as well?
8/21/08

aningeniousname

Garden gnomes are actually a German invention and were made popular by Queen Victoria's husband, Prince Albert (He of genital piercing fame)
Speaking as a professional, cheap garden ornaments of this kind are a constant annoyance to me you spend a month designing and building a classic contemporary garden and the first thing they do is fill it with concrete statues of dwarfs and squirrels!

If that guy had killed his daughter with the gnome would that be a charge of gnomocide?

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  I'm realizing how much I've missed reading your posts over the last few weeks!
2. 8/21/08
  
  MadameX
  
  No, no...for that the GNOME would have had to die.
3. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  ROFLMAO *snort*
8/21/08

CrystalRaven

ok, thats it! I am now an Garden Gnome Activist!!!
No wacking Gnomes
No wacking Gnomes
No Wacking Gnomes

Gnomes for Govenor (can't be any worse than a Terminator)

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  You know I get that song "witchey woman" in my head every time I see your name now.
  
  "oooh-oooh, witchey woman" I don't know the rest of the words, but I know it's a sweet tune.
2. 8/21/08
  
  Anok
  
  WHich automatically makes me think of Elaine from Seinfeld...
8/21/08

Autorotate

Added to the terrorist watchlist.

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  flamingpoodle
  
  Garden gnomes are not going to fly that easily from now on..
8/21/08

crpitt

I use Gnomes as instruments of torment. My uncle hates them, so I buy loads and hide them around his house. There are currently six that he hasn't found yet.

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  Autorotate
  
  Do you bury them face or buttocks up?
2. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  why am I not surprised, Claire?
3. 8/21/08
  
  crpitt
  
  These has been no gnome burial, just hidden in wardrobes, cupboards, freezer, shed etc.
8/21/08

drjay1966

This reminds me of...what was that movie? The Full Monty? Where the steal the garden gnomes? Or is that another movie?

need more coffee.....

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  flamingpoodle
  
  Amelie?
8/21/08

kdawg68

oh my, Legbamel - you weren't in the Yard Gnome Liberation Front were you? Serious group - they actually existed on the net years ago. They were known for stealing gnomes and then arranging them on baseball fields - as if the gnomes were busy at play.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden_Gnome_Liberation_Front

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  legbamel
  
  Well, considering that we'd usually had a few beforehand (and were, say, 18-21), we usually pandered to the baser desires of the various gnomes and woodland creatures. We had no idea that we were fighting for a bigger cause.
2. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  Vive la resistance!
8/21/08

pumpkinlights

I love Garden Gnomes.

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  flamingpoodle
  
  Not through your glass door you don't.
  
  I think the judgement is a bit unfair. Firstly, he could face up to 10 years in prison for throwing his own garden gnome through his own glass panel. He did not aim at this stepdaughter and he did not even hit her - the glass from the panel hit her. Sure, he did endanger her, but he did not endanger her life and it was not pre-meditated.
  
  Assault with a deadly weapon? The victim was not threatened, the victim was not even endangered by the deadly weapon, merely by it's consequences. That little girl has one helluva lawyer, or the drunken driving incidents were the deal breaker.
2. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  the real victim was the gnome. Poor guy probably didn't know he was being tossed through a window towards an unsuspecting teen until too late.
8/21/08

Arcticulates

Around here Garden Gnomes are used for target practice.

It is almost kinda cheatin tho, cuz they are so colorful how can you possible miss.

[reply]
1. 8/21/08
  
  kdawg68
  
  Like shootin' redcoats when they march on Concord!
8/21/08

jafabrit

what a bunch of gnome bigots, I mean honestly I am glad mine isn't sitting here and reading this gnome hating blithering Balductim dribble. humphhhhhh!!!!

[reply]
8/21/08

kateblogs

That could be an imaginative answer to the problem of youth crime. We won't lock them up, we'll menace them with gnomes!

[reply]