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beckywhetstone

How can a woman stop her moronic ex from messing up her kids?

Posted by beckywhetstone • 6/21/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: divorce and kids, kids relationship with step mom

Another question from www.allexperts.com from a woman named Wendy. Poor Wendy! Read on ... and DO tell me what YOU think ...

Subject: The children's relationship with a soon-to-be ex.

Question: Dear Doctor Becky,

My ex and I have two daughters they are now 7 and 9. Our divorce has been final for over two years, my ex was married again in November of 2008, he is now going through another divorce and planning on marrying again as soon as his divorce is final. His new fiance lives on the other side of the country and an old high school friend. The girls have met her a few times in the past and have had a full day play date with his new fiance recently. That aside he is demanding an absolute cut off of contact with his soon to be ex. She loves the girls and they love her. She was their mother for over a year. At the advice of a child psychologist I agreed to assist in slowly "weaning" them off step-mom time, and that the visits would be supervised by me for a while and then the only contact would be e-mail or phone and then eventually no contact. After one supervised visit I felt like the odd man out, there was not negative talk about the girls dad...there was so many other things talk about, and the girls soon to be ex step mom (STBESM) is a child psychologist, doctor level. So a month later, after the girls cried themselves to sleep and called their STBESM saying they wanted a play date; I scheduled a play date I stayed for about 10-15 minutes and then they all went off to CPK for lunch. Two hours later I met them and we sat for 20 more minutes then off we went. The girls were happy and everything was fine. Once they got to their dad's and told him he went ballistic and has now forbid them from ever talking to their STBESM when they are with him again. I understand he wishes to get on with his life and start his next marriage but I worry terribly about what this will do to the girls. I think they need time to end their ties to their STBESM. I feel like we are dealing with two separate issues here and he just can't see that. What do I do now? How do I proceed to allow the girls closure, respect their dad, not build abandonment issues, anxiety and just to do the right thing?

Signed,

The Mom!


See what I said at: tinyurl.com/ncspzg

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User Comments

  1. dcarroll
    6/21/09
    dcarroll
    There is a saying that, "It is better to cut a cat's tail off all at once, instead of an inch at a time."
    Bears mothers run their cubs up a tree and leave them.
    I think a cleaner break is better, although that seems cruel, and I am not a psychologist.

    Another thing to think about is what my mom's attorney told me when my parents were divorced, "Problems during the marriage will be problems in the divorce." Those are probably the most profound words I have heard in my life.

    Good luck in your journey.
    [reply]

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