Discussions
how differing hobby choices affect relationships
Posted by timethief • 10/07/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: Adventure, freedom-to-grow, hobbies, invidual-preferences, leisure-activities, relationships, trust
Last weekend my husband and I were discussing with three other couples how our preferences for hobbies had changed over the years, and how those differences affected our relationships.
Childhood hobbies - When we were kids we were drawn into hobbies our parents were already involved in or channeled us towards becoming involved in.
Teen hobbies - When we became teens we were drawn into hobbies our friends were into and chose to jettison some activities our family members were into that we didn't really enjoy.
Hobbies before and after marriage - When we first became attracted to each other we became deeply involved in each others' hobbies to the exclusion of all other interests.
After we married and developed greater self confidence and security within our relationships, we began to pursue hobbies that we were attracted to even when our partners weren't into the same hobbies.
Now we can see that the freedom we allowed each other to pursue differing hobbies led to enriching our relationship through sharing what we learned, saw and did with others outside of our relationships.
Hobbies we don't share
These are my top three hobbies that my partner has no interest in: writing, singing and dancing. These are my partner's top three hobbies that I'm not into at all: ocean kayaking, wilderness camping and target shooting.
Although we are not into the hobbies I listed above, we do agree that we have had great times enjoying the friendship of my each others friends' in social get togethers, and have formed relationships with some of those people through other interests that we discovered we had in common.
We all agreed that without our inherent trust of each other, we would have been unable to grant our partner's the freedom to be themselves, and to stretch and grow as individuals.
Future hobbies
In the future whether or not my partner is interested in pursuing these hobbies with me intend to pursue learning Spanish, learning how to spin and weave, and ballroom dancing.
- Discussion questions
(1) What are your current hobbies that your best friend, closet family member or partner has no interest in?
(2) What are the hobbies your best friend, closet family member or partner pursues that you aren't into?
(3) Which hobbies you would like to pursue in the future, despite the fact that your best friend, closet family member or partner may not be into them?
(4) Discuss anything else you would like to about how differing hobbies affect your relationships with your best friend, closet family member or partner.
User Comments
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I think what's much more important than sharing hobbies is having a love for each other and a respect for each other's interests.
Hubby & I have vastly different interests. He likes football (I'm indifferent), electronics (also indifferent), scuba diving (have never and would never try), martial arts (no interest whatsoever).. I truly could go on and on.
I enjoy home improvements, decorating, gardening, writing, dancing.. none of which hubby enjoys.
It certainly doesn't mean that we don't, on occasion, accompany each other and support each other when we're each enjoying our personal interests. And, together we enjoy traveling, good food, the beach, etc...
I think the key to a healthy and happy marriage is maintaining a sense of who you are. Which means exploring all the things that are of interest to you, regardless of the interest of your partner. As long as there's love, you'll each find a way to "enjoy" your common interest together and to "share" your uncommon interests as well.
I have a lighthearted blog entry about this topic called when Two Becomes Too (I disagree that when you're married Two Becomes One)
thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/when-two-becomes-too/-
I agree with the POV you have shared and you will find that if you click my username and locate my personal blog called this time ~ this space.
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activeleisure,
"It certainly doesn't mean that we don't, on occasion, accompany each other and support each other when we're each enjoying our personal interests".
Amen to that. I wanted to go to a weekend seminar on Art Deco that I feared my husband might find a bit boring. Surprising, he loved every moment of the presented papers and the curated exhibition. Of course I sweetened the occasion even more by booking us into a city hotel, during the weekend seminar
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We've also done things like that too for each other and ended up having a ball. I have gone on a trip where my husband was in a competition and I went along to be a supporting fan. By the end of day one I had hit it off with a fellow whose wife was competing in another section.
We are both into art so we took 1/2 of day two off, toured two galleries together and had a really great lunch. We were back cheering on our spouses all day long on day three. Then, on day four, we went to an art opening in a garden in the afternoon and had supper together.
The competition lasted for a week and I watched most of the events my husband competed in, but I also made a new friend and so did he (my new friend's wife). Sometimes we sometimes split up for lunches and sometimes we got together as a four for dinners and drinks. The other couple became good friends of ours and we see them a couple of times each year when they visit here or we go to visit them.
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My best buddy acquires a new hobby every six months to a year. Once he figures out his hobby, he moves on to another. The learning experience is what excites him. His past hobbies included raising 10 tanks of pet fish (for a profit?), organic gardening, trying to (unsuccessfully) build a boat, collecting first edition books (for a profit HA!), fly fishing, mastering bowling, bow hunting, and he even turn a hobby into a business…he started a small construction side job from his love of carpentry until the economy went down the drain. His next hobby seems to be beekeeping. He will talk endlessly about his hobbies when we hang together over beers. Unfortunately he has no interest in anyone else’s hobbies except his own. Unlike my buddy, I have a few lifelong hobbies that fade and then return over the years. My main hobbies include collecting “stuff” of all sorts, and involvement with the paranormal. Recently I started a new hobby…blogging, which is a cool hobby. However I discovered non-bloggers really don’t give a darn about blogs. My buddy yawns if I start to talk about my blog. So I instead listen to him explain the Zen of fly-fishing over a brew.-
I do know what you mean. Most people don't know what blogging is or why we do it and become bored very quickly if we try to explain. However, if you turned your buddy onto some fly fishing blogs he may jump right into the deep end.
www.flyfish.com/
www.fishandfly.com/
www.fieldandstream.com/taxonomy/term/20518
Bobber talk: Yoga and Fly Fishing
Now it seems that cross training has reached a spiritual level and people are starting to blend Yoga and Fly Fishing. Worst of all, it seems to have started in the bow of my boat. Fly Fishing and Yoga have been around a very long time ...
bobbertalk.blogspot.com/
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One of the best things has to be individuality within a relationship (at least for myself).
My main three hobbies are:
- riding coasters (although that has hit a wall due to money required to hop from place to place riding new ones). He also enjoys coasters but only tried them after I mentioned my infatuation. I intend on riding as many as I can before I croak. (only reached hundreds thus far)
- horror movies/gaming fests. I place these together because they are my main source of entertainment. My partner does enjoy watching movies and gaming as much as I do. We played games together while maintaining our long distance relationship talking on vent.
- yoga/kickboxing/taebo. I should probably put exercise instead, but these are the main forms I engaged in. My partner isn't big on joining me for any of it and I don't care either way.
The only thing he differs in really is he has a likeness for drinking (well, had), doesn't engage in it much anymore. I die from the scent of those drinks alone. He also doesn't like some of the game genres I care for such as the adventure types. He's more of a strategy guy.
He is fond of dancing, which I am not. Although I intend to pick up bellydancing once again in the future as I found it fun and sexy, I don't really like the psytrance dancing or salsa that he enjoys.
Can't satisfy each other in every way imaginable, bound to be some differences. Makes it interesting. I like to try and understand what he's sees in certain activities, I don't make myself become interested just to please him though and he doesn't do it either. Sometimes we tease each other on the crap one of us likes that the other doesn't.-
Thanks for commenting. I enjoyed reading what you said. I agree that we can't satisfy each other in every way and also feel we add a lot of vitality to our relationship simply because we are into different hobbies. Also your last line made me lol because we tease each other too.
Do you ever meet couples who do absolutely everything together. We met one like that last week and they bragged about doing everything together for the last 25 years. My partner and I were really put off by the "clinginess". Their relationship seemed really restrictive and suffocating compared to ours. But as they say, whatever floats your boat. -
No I haven't (thank goodness lol). I'd imagine one of em might blow up though! Could be hiding the desire to do their own thing but thinks its better to put that aside and do all together as if that's how it should be. Makes them look impressive? Or they could genuinely be joined at hip...which is dandy but must they report it to everyone? (it'd be hard to refrain from some eye rolling)
I'll admit we do a lot of things together and hate being apart but the differences are there and there will always be times when I'm slothing on the sofa and he's hugging his computer. Sometimes we're just together doing different things. -
I admit that I almost rolled my eyes and smirked when the woman gushed about how they would never consider taking up separate hobbies or taking separate vacations. I immediately thought they must be newly weds, but somewhere during the conversation ,her husband mentioned he hadn't been deep water fishing since he met her 20 years before, and that he had to give it up because she got seasick. I'm fairly sure (and my partner agreed later) it's the lady who is clingy and that he husband looked like he was actually craving some male companionship.
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I think you're right about how hobbies change over the years ..
Years ago .. it would be one thing or another ... I would have my hobbies, she would have her hobbies ..
Nowadays .. it's like we still have different hobbies, but they are shared.
For instance:
My wife will gradually turn the heat down at nights and open windows to let the cool air come in - without me knowing it - and I'll gradually turn the heat up during the day and close a few windows. It's just a hobby - see who breaks first.
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lol
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(1) What are your current hobbies that your best friend, closet family member or partner has no interest in?
My best friend is a bit eccentric, but: LARPing, martial arts in the most general sense, raving, blogging, and producing and editing videos. I would also list "Physics" if nobody complains. My closest family members have no interest in any of my hobbies but will help me with them if I ask, and I'm single.
(2) What are the hobbies your best friend, closet family member or partner pursues that you aren't into?
My best friend is way more into video games, security (both lockpicking and hacking), and chemistry than I am.
(3) Which hobbies you would like to pursue in the future, despite the fact that your best friend, closet family member or partner may not be into them?
Already doing them. I offer the invitation for them to participate, and if they decline, I inform them that the door is always open then go about my business.
(4) Discuss anything else you would like to about how differing hobbies affect your relationships with your best friend, closet family member or partner.
We don't hang out as much as we would if we had all the same hobbies, but that doesn't cause any conflicts.-
Your answers about the hobbies you have now that your friend doesn't share surprised me, because at your age we tend to select friends who are primarily the same activities we are into. Well, at least I'm basing that on my own recollection and my nieces and their friends. They don't hang out with anyone that doesn't share the same interests.
My partner and I do the same as you do. We provide open invitations and if the other one doesn't want to join us then we go on our merry way alone. -
Awesome avatar! -
@Theresa111: Thanks. It looks better as a .png
@Timethief: [corrected]
I have strange friendships with great people. -
@Voodoo
lol ... I thought Theresa meant my avatar [red faced]
I'm sorry I left out a couple of words up there. I'll go back to using an offline editor and copy pasting. -
I just changed mine last night, so I'm assuming she means mine. I could very well be wrong.
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@voodoo
I like this one better. It looks more mature and is sexier.
Did you also draw it yourself? -
Yeah, it's based on two character designs for a webcomic I was considering. It's slightly more anime-styled than I'm used to, but I like how it turned out.
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My husband's passion is golf. Every Sunday morning for decades he and his 7 mates have gone to golf together, whether it is 43c in the shade or cold and raining. I don't understand the thrill of what he calls Secret Men's Business, but I am delighted the 8 of them have sustained their friendship since university.
They are away for 6 hours every week, including travelling time, playing golf and having 19th hole drinks. During this time I have a blissful time TOTALLY to myself, going to antique auctions, art galleries or brunch with the wives. During this time I also read the two journals that my husband finds a bit boring, Country Life and Heritage, for even more great articles on antiques, art, travel and architecture.
After 20 years of marriage, I would say separate hobbies are a good idea. After 39 years of marriage, I would say separate hobbies are essential -
My husband has a date with his buddies every week on Sunday too and sometimes on Wednesday afternoons. They are into boating, fishing and target shooting. I'm into garage sales, arts and crafts tours, beach walks with my dog, and hanging out with my girlfriends enjoying many cups of tea, so this separation time works great for both of us.
I can relate to what you say about long term marriages and separate hobbies being essential. We've been married over 30 years and have even taken separate vacations twice. It was wonderful! Prior to leaving we were all caught up in the planning. Coming home turned into something like a honeymoon, along with chatting into the wee hours about our separate trips.
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If he were wired like a woman, we would have many more things in common.
Him) Football, Cable News, Front Page News, Old Rehashed History, Musical Instrumentation, Recording Engineering, Assembling Things, Radio News. There's more.
Me) Cooking, Creating, Writing, Painting, Drawing, Writing Lyrics, Writing Poetry, Socializing, Dancing, SInging, Reading Fiction, Murder Mysteries, England, Ireland, Canada,Traveling,Family, Vacationing and Conversations.
Together) Eating/Dining, Watching Television, Going To The Movies, Our Kitty Children, Cleaning House, Being Together, Holding Hands.
Future) More of the same.-
@Theresa
Wow! You and I have a lot of hobbies in common. When you draw and paint do you do that alone or with others? I like writing, drawing a painting alone. I produce much better creations when I'm on my own than when I'm in a group.
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