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How do you talk to a dying person?
Posted by kebelle • 2/20/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Tags: conversation, death, discussion, dying, Opinion, perspective
I'm currently doing a survey on people's treatment to a dying person. I am soliciting your inputs. Thank you.
User Comments
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I need your opinion... and your own experiences of talking to a dying person...
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Luckily I haven't had much experience- I feel bad for anyone who has had experience with those who are dying.
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you speak slowly. I don't know how else to put it, and with tears of course!
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www.sidebits.com-
I don't know... tears aren't always what the dying want. Would you want someone crying and upset to be your last memory of earth? I know I wouldn't.
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I ask if I can pray for them. And I make sure my last moments with them will fill them with hope and encouragement for what happens after.-
And if they don't want me to pray for them, I pray silently, while holding their hand and stroking their cheek (most of us will be with a loved one when they die, not a stranger). I have yet to experience this first hand.
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thanks jmarso. yeah speaking slowly is one.
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emm. i remember six sense movie.
everything you say is about sorry and regret it. -
Read the Tibetan Book of the Dead, Shambala press edition.-
thanks for the recommendation
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It's a Tibetan Buddhist perspective / technique that may not be relevant to some people, I think there is something in it for non-Buddhists as well. This a complex area, and I wish you well with your research.
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With your heart and soul.... -
Words of encouragement with a bit of humor.
"look at the bright side, you wouldn't have to file income tax... ever"
I'd rather talk to a friend and enjoy the last moments of the person's life
rather than be all teary-eyed while in front of the person. Nothing wrong with crying but I'm quite frank about death and should treat the occassion as one's passing on from one state of being to the next.
Letting them go with a smile on your face (and in your heart) should be the last thing they should see.
Just my thoughts-
Haha- nice strategy. Positivity is always great.
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Having sat with several people as they pass on I would agree with this sentiment completely, give them a reason to smile and face their death with a brief moment of happiness. It definitely seems to make their passing go easier on them, conversely I've been around when others have been terribly upset around dying folk and the passing never seems to be easy for either party, and that breaks my heart to see.
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Same way as speaking to a living person.-
lol. so true, jack... but of course, I think the circumstances might encourage me to be a bit more loving.
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I think I know what you mean. However, the question was 'dying' - not 'dead.'
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My aunt died a couple of years ago. She had cancer amd it was eating up her liver - point is we knew it was comming, hospice was there. I think the only thing that changed was that visited weekly instead of yearly. It took two months from the time of there terminal diagnosis.
She never accepted it. She was going to beat it till the very day it happened. -
It can depend on the relationship one has to the person. "The what", I mean. We view the terminal phase of an illness, everywhere from when the person has been informed (if a long-term illness), until they pass away. Each and every single day is unique. There is no standard answer, and the question is a bit vague. After years of working with patients, I explored several more perspectives. I found "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Rinpoche, very moving. -
We suppose that you'd talk about everything and anything. Friends and family members should get every last bit of knowledge, old stories and good humor they can from their dying friend or relative. While those same relatives will probably appreciate comfort and company that is provided in keeping them happy, humored and distracted in their last days on Earth. Go Smell the Flowers while you can, don't dwell on morbidity.-
I agree with this! Also, let them know you're going to be OK. I don't know why, but I thought it was important to do that when my mom passed. -
denial is one of the responses when talking about death. but it is an inevitable reality of life. talking about death will help us appreciate life more with liveliness...
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I had a friend who died last year of cancer. We visited her when she moved into the hospice near us. We tried to visit every other day (she had a number of friends). In-fact she found it really hard in that last week. We tried to talk casually but she wasn't really up to it - and in the end we respected her wish to not have visitors. It was really hard, cause we wanted to be there for her. I guess it depends on the person, and your relationship with them. If you are invited to stay, consider it an honour. It is a very precious time in anyone's life. -
Here's what I would tell a dying person.
Remember the story of Lot in the bible, he told his wife not to look back kor she would turn to a pillar of salt...it's symbolic, when you leave the body, under no circumstances look back or be enticed by your loved ones that are still on earth, keep going straight ahead. For me, this is the most valuable information.-
That's beautiful.. -
thanks...and when I go that's what I'll be doing
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Exactly, SilverSpikes. When they are exhausted, one does not start a lot of chatter, and visiting if it is not wished. People do not usually realize how much energy they use on a couple of sentences in the end. One of the most important things we also overlook is just, "being there". Being able to sit in silence, without it being uncomfortable. Comfortable, and loving silence is golden.
acousticguitarist..nicely said...let go of the attachments, and let them go. -
Speak in a high pitch really excited squeeky voice. No wait, that's for a puppy.
Sorry, I'll leave this discussion alone. I was just kidding. -
Generally speaking, I think you treat them the same as you always have, as much as possible. Be supportive when they need it, stand back when they don't.
A whole lot depends on how they're dying (is it sudden? long and drawn out? is it a higher risk of death, such as with HIV? hospitalized? hospice?) and your relationship with them.
VG-
Thoughtful answer.
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Like troilee said, treat them as you always have. A member of my closest circle of friends died three years ago of cancer. She was always the life of the party, loved to laugh and to make everyone else laugh. She joked about her cancer and some of the funny things that happened to her as a result of it. She had wanted to write a book about the funny side of cancer.
As she lay in the hospital the last few days of her life, my friends and I and her closest relatives basically set up camp in her room. We laughed with her, told her jokes, reminded her of the funny things we had done. After she slipped into a coma, we continued telling funny stories. By this time, her sisters and nieces had joined us, and they filled us in on the hilarious things she had done in her younger years. After she slipped away at about 11:20 p.m., we all gathered at the 24-hour coffee house and continued to celebrate her life, as we did over the next several days of her wake and funeral. She hated tense situations and too-serious people. We let her die with laughter, as she wanted. We all did cry and grieve in our own ways, but we made sure her journey to heaven was accompanied by joy, not sorrow.-
This is a fantastic example of how to celebrate a person's life in the wake of their death. Kudos to all of you who kept her spirit alive!
VG
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I was at my dad's side when he died and although every situation is different I told him I loved him, I thanked him for being a great dad, I told him I'd never forget him and the things he taught me, I told him I'd tell all his grandkids about how great he was (he only had one grandkid at the time (our 1st boy), and as his eyes opened wide realizing that his last breath had been taken I simply told him to relax and we'd be catching up with him before too long. Very hard.-
Wow. That last part sounds like my experience.
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Thank you for sharing that.
I'm looking forward to a situation something like yours. I missed being with my mother: a monumentally annoying miscalculation on my part.
My father is in a final stage of life now. I hope to be with him when he dies. But, being a hundred and fifty-odd miles away, with a family and a limited budget - life is interesting, isn't it?
I am very happy for you and your family, that you were able to be with your father. And, that he was the sort of man you described.
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Being real, not worrying if you're saying the right stuff - then it becomes about you. It's not an olympic contest where people sit in the corner and raise cards with 8.5 etc. It's about them or about the relationship between you and them. If it's somebody you love hopefully you've mentioned it a few times earlier. Pentad is also right. Sometimes it's just about silence and being there. Boldfood said it. When it's someone close to you It's hard. There's no getting around it. Spirit touching spirit.-
"When it's somebody you love, hopefully you've mentioned it a few times before."
Sadly my dad didn't communicate with his kids much, which I'm told is common with folks in his profession (Military Intelligence). So I felt I needed to say a few things before I lost the chance forever.
Since he passed away I strongly encourage friends to tell their parents they love them as often as they can. You only get one dad and one mom and when they're gone it's too late. Love 'em while you can.
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Just being there, holding their hand, being silent, or asking them what they would like to talk about, listen (maybe reading a fave book to them). -
I told my grandmother "The only reason this sucks is because we can't chat anymore. Get out of this body. It's no good." And then I reassured her that I'd be there for her to the end, but she better be there with me when it was my turn. And then we giggled and reminisced about good times, and all the ways we made eachothers life better. -
sctshep. Yes, it is all about them. I've cared for way too many that "keep it together" for others that want to visit and chat. It then becomes more about the grief of the visitors. Not always, but often.
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Same as you would anyone else, except giving the person crossing over more respect, understanding, and love.
One of the only things I have ever come to regret in my lifetime so far is that when my daddy was dying and I was rubbing his feet, we never talked about the fact that he was dying, and there were questions that I didn't want to ask. I didn't want to be the one to say "So, you are going away, and I want to know this first..."
It is tough, but we are all going to be where they are someday. Go into it with that knowledge and grace.-
thanks anchasta for sharing... good for you that you were there right beside your dad. when my dad died, i wasn't around, he was assasinated, one of the victims of extrajudicial killings here in the philippines...
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Different cultures deal different with death.
The last sense to go before dying is hearing. Everything you say can be heard and understood. But you don't have to say anything.
I agree with Jafabrit. Just being there, holding their hand and rubbing their hand. -
There's an organization that approaches this difficult time a bit differently: www.friendsforlife.ca It isn't for final days, but it may be helpful if someone has just been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. -
First of all, don't show the person that you pity on him/her. Don't promise for miracles to happen but giving them the power to be happy at least for the last time. Make sure they feel loved and cared for. Even if you have more important things to do (if that's what you think). Tell them how much they are appreciated and that how much more you long for that whatever may happen.
The best thing to do with them is PRAY with them. Ask people to pray with you. Prayer is a very powerful tool. Trust me it works. The more people pray for a person the more God hears you. Love is in the air...spread them. -
You talk to them plainly and honestly, saying what you feel. If I was dying I would want everyone to be honest with me, none of the "oh you're going to be okay" stuff. Just a "you know you're going to die, right?" would be great.
-Calister F. Wells -
I have to tell you something interesting. I did my PhD dissertation on issues around death anxiety. One of the things I did was to give my subjects a death anxiety test. I told them to fill it out. It was just 15 items that they said yes or no to. When they finished I gave them the same test and asked them to fill it out as they thought a person would who had just found out he or she was going to die soon. The one item that had the biggest difference was the one about talking about the closeness of death. When they did it for themselves they said they would want to talk about it, but when they filled it out speculating what a person would want who was dying they speculated the person wouldn't want to talk about it. Interesting isn't it. These were nursing students, counseling students and general education students.
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You just hold his hands and have a quiet moment. -
My mother recently lost her battle with Cancer. In her last days I felt like I should not cry and act like I was okay. I didn't want her last moments alive to be spent worrying about how "I" feel.-
I'm sorry hearing it, yes you're right, sometimes we need to assure a dying person that we are okay, though in some sense we're actually not.
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i looked my dad in the eye and held his hand. I told him to be brave and i'm not afraid. there was love. no tears. -
In these circumstances the only thing anyone can do is lay down their love, in actions and not only words, and to avoid the temptation of getting into unsuitable and untimely discussions or suggestions. Sometimes it is a greater relief to offer silence than too many words. Respect their Freedom and let them guide your behaviour.
(More in: www.betrayed-christisnity.blogspot.com Chapter 3. Faith: the imposition of "authentic" Truth or exercise of Freedom?) -
WOW!!! What a great question. Phew. I have been in this situation and I listened to my heart. The relationship became soul to soul. My heart told me to talk honestly and yet gently at the same time, not crowding or rushing...plenty of room. It told me to let the other person talk about dying, allow them to openly ask me the fearful questions, even if I didn't have the answers...we looked at the mystery together. I also realized this person desperately needed to know that I would be okay when they were gone. I reassured until they KNEW I would be. They also needed to know that they would be okay as well. ...AND that they would be with me and I with them, that I would still talk with them and listen to them. We also laughed and cried and hugged and loved until we both were at complete peace. We were ALIVE even in death. I still talk with this person and still hear them. Although this person is not in a physical body anymore they are far from "dead". I think many people can be more "dead" while still living than some people who are no longer in their physical body. I think one of the BIG fears in dying (and I think there can be many) is the fear of not being connected to something familar, something loving and safe....something that will always BE. If we have that when we die death is less frightening, because we know we are loved, we are a part of as oppsed to apart from. If we feel safer we can let go.
I once had a dying woman tell me that the she was angry because EVERYONE around her avoided talking about "dying". And she wanted to talk about what was happening and people avoided it like it wasn't happening. She said I was the first person to ask her what she felt. But this may vary from person to person.
Thank you for such a wonderful question. Bless you. -
By all means POSITIVE. I would hope they pass on with nothing but a vision of love and all things good. Knowing they will be remembered with a smile and associated with good things. Not with sorrows, regrets, or discomforts. -
when my great gran was dying i sung her a song. something off the top of my head. -
or is this kind of like the hedgehog/porcupine joke? "Very carefully."
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I think with a simple honesty. The Tibetan Book of the Dead calls the honesty between the loved one(s) and the dying person "a delightful situation" - the dying person has been lied to and manipulated all through their life - now at last they can relax in the honesty and in the knowledge that they will be accompanied by their family/friends to the point of death and beyond.
When my father died, I avoided the issue a lot and I regret it. When my mother died, I stayed with her all the way - and like Robin Easton says:
"I still talk with this person and still hear them. Although this person is not in a physical body anymore they are far from "dead".
Please do not take this as a "plug" to go and read my blog, but I wrote about the death of both my parents, as the experience has changed me more profoundly than I would have thought possible.
"Where Dead and Living Meet" ~ www.soulmerlin.com/almanack/?p=67
I had a spoilt selfish child living inside me; when my mother died, she took the little child with her.
henry -
I ask them gently,(if they are not in a coma)how they feel about facing eternity. I ask them if they would like prayer. I have never had a person not want prayer at that time. I read with them I sing to them what ever brings comfort and peace, some have gotten healed as it was not their time, some I will see one day on the other side. -
Am I the only one who's initial thought was to respond with 'Very quickly!'??? Am I a horrible person??
I guess if I were in the situation, I would read where they are and take my cues from that. If they are accepting of it vs. if they haven't dealt with it yet. And of course sometimes they don't know or are in denial, but you are in the right mind to be aware/sure. Then it would be a totally different thing. But I do beleive in celebrating life and talking about how their moving on to the other side will be comforting to me, to know that in that state, they will always be able to watch over me, be with me, etc. This is at least how I comfort someone who is loosing/lost someone and would be how i'd approach the actual situation myself. -
Instead of talking, listen to the stories they have to tell and then pass them on... -
We are all dying cell by cell, day by day and the only difference is the perceptions of time!
Think about it like this and things change... -
If it is an old person
I agree with "earthandeconomy"
Cuz they have a lot of experience
to share with any of us...
If it is a younger person...
Talk as if the person is not dying...
Why treat the person like "dying"
when she/he is still alive?
Also...Think this...
If a person is about to die in a car
accident or from anything else in about
an hour and you don't know
I guess you would treat that person
NORMAL! Right?
Treat the person ALWAYS with love and care
Treat the "alive dying" person as if he/she was you!
To make a better decision and to better understand
the person...put yourself in their shoes!
Hope this helps.
Rio -
maybe you whisper. -
It depends on the person but just be honest, lots have people have said good things here, it's very individual. I find it too hard to say goodbye even though I believe our souls go on so it probably isn't really goodbye just asta la vista. -
You speak to them very loudly and forcefully - practically scream in their ear if you have to.
You have to make sure they can hear you over all that dying they're busy doing.
(Hey, someone had to lighten the thread up a little.) -
I have to view it as an opportunity to tell the person what they mean to you. I did that with my grandpa and father in law and they both said it was the best thing they ever heard. I wrote my grandpa a letter for his birthday telling him all of the wonderful memories I had with him and he was surprised all I remembered. He loved it so much he asked that it be his eulogy. So there I stood in front of 250 people reading that letter to him. It was an honor. -
I have had a few experiences with love ones that have died right in front of me.
Some times I have thought that I was lucky enough to be there during their last breath and other times I wish I wasn't there as it a pretty emotional thing to deal with.
What I suggest is that you hold their hand, and let them know you are there and whisper to them in their ear that you love them and tell them how blessed you have been to be a part of their life.
I also think the most important thing to do, is to reassure them that its ok to die.
That's it part of life, and tell them you expect them to be part of the welcome committee when its your turn. That your counting on that. -
the same as you would an alive one.....dying doesnt change the person into someone else....be yourself allow them to be themselves and be honest about your not theirs fears doubts and insecurities -
What I'd say has been said, for the most part.
For what it's worth, I think that 'how to talk to a dying person' is: the same way you always have. After all, you've been talking to dying people all your life. None of us lives more than about 125 years (based on verified long lifespans) - and most of us don't have to stay around that long.
An exception to the 'the same as always' - when there's something that has to be changed, sooner or later, in your relationship. Now that there's not much 'later' left, any changes in the relationship had better be done ASAP.
Here's another way to look at it: someone who's dying is a bit like someone waiting for a bus or train (the way air travel is handled now makes that an unsuitable metaphor). You can stay with the person in the terminal, talking, or just hanging out: but sooner or later, they have to go. -
Every word I whisper to a dying person is haunted by the reality of death, even every promise I make to someone I love is also haunted by death. What would make the difference is, I think, to make every effort to affirm life, that death should not be proud because there is life in eternity--not just the eternity future, but the eternity present. Talking to a dying person would be great if we talk to him/her in our own way of enjoying life to its fullest.
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A dear friend just passed and we celebrate his life and shared with him how he touched our life's. We honored his contributions to the community and life itself. Does this make sense?
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