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How does this sound to English speakers...?
Posted by urikalish • 7/02/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
I tried translating something I wrote from Hebrew to English, but since I learned English (mostly) by watching episodes of MacGyver, I was wondering if it sounds OK to English speakers too...?
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The son of autumn starts to mumble, sending his amoeba fingers through a cloak of mist, reaching for the open neck of the unsuspecting sun too busy melting away into the hundred shades of the foam of the sea.
A long metal snake sails through the vast sandy plane claiming its territory with a spray of gasoline; its camouflaged scales are moaning and clashing in a mythical fencing duel of thousand brave knights.
A frowning cloud roars an ice-cold command, and its army of drops silently forages the city, transforming stone into marble, asphalt into granite, a shattered street lamp into a treasure of diamonds.
The steel serpent raises its heads to the rhythm of drums of adrenalin rush, praying to the lord of man-made thunder, spitting gifts from Prometheus across the pastel horizon, carving coffee trails in the pale porcelain of the Milky Way.
Motion-blurred figures sniff the wet ground though cracks in the pavements, howling to the ivory moon through arrow slits in their Babel glass castles. Skyscrapers piercing through heaven; angels bleeding tears into the winds of the west; chain tracks as far as the eye can see.
Rust in peace ol’ tank;
Scrub the gray ol’ man;
Let us have our rainbows again.
User Comments
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I'd say this is poetic writing, the English is excellent, even if some people don't happen to have a taste for it. I didn't study every word. It might be that some of the words carry meanings u don't intend, but I find it all understandable. Vivid word choices.
The final 3 lines are brilliant..-
Thanks
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Written during a field artillery training (army reserve duty).
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I can imagine a poem like this coming out of Artillery training.
God speed, my friend.
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Hooold the phone! Are we talking about the same MacGyver here? Cause if you had learned English with the MacGyver I have in mind, all you'd be able to do would be writing instructions as to how one gets a perfectly good building shattered to pieces by using a hair clip and some chewed gum.
And your translation is way, waaay above that...
Kudos!-
When I was a kid, I used to watch MacGyver episodes on an old TV with a bad antenna, aired by a television station in another country every Tuesday night. The image would come and go, but the sound was OK. That forced me to listen carefully to the English during the no-image periods in order to understand the plot. This is how I learned English.
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The more you elaborate on it, the more extraordinary it sounds.. : )
Admirable, really! -
No that comes across quite lovely. Mysterious, but lovely.
When I read your intro - I imagined the worst, OH! the bad plot lines, the corny one liners - the heroic *cough*dork*cough* sayings that always got the girl.
And I figured it would have something to do with saving the world with duct tape, a tube sock, and an unused tampon. -
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a mythical fencing duel of [a] thousand brave knights.
The steel serpent raises its heads (did you intend to pluralise head?) to the rhythm of drums
sniff the wet ground th[r]ough cracks in the pavements-
@arlgalloway: thanks for posting those, you caught one that I didn't see, and the jury is still out on the plural serpent heads... -
Thanks 4 the feedback!!!
Regarding the serpent's heads... The military convoy consisted of multiple artillery cannons, so I used the plural form, but now I tend to think that the singular version is better.
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Excellent writing... it's amazing that you write so well coming from that show, of all shows. lol! I enjoyed the symbolism.
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Rust in peace! Sounds pretty cool. -
it's written beautifully. -
You learned this from MacGyver?
As far as your question goes, I'm not seeing any foreign language interference.
Do you know the writers group? Got more creative types there. Ought to run it past 'em. www.blogcatalog.com/group/writers-and-writing-
Done.
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I think it's beautiful!
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