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How to REDUCE Blog Traffic
Posted by samureyed • 3/27/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: blog, blogging, comical, funny, Posts, reduce, reduce traffic, traffic
So many discussions on how to increase your blogs traffic, I thought it would be a good change of pace to talk about some a little less constructive.
In order to quickly and effectively reduce your blogs traffic follow these steps in no particular order.
1. Nevr spel chek ur posts
2. Post only images of your feet
3. Sure to make broken English use
4. Daily updates on your bathroom behavior
5. Eliminate the need for a blog template, thus creating clutter. The more clutter, the better.
6. Widgets! HUNDREDS OF THEM!
7. Comment on all your posts while pretending to not be the publisher. Create arguments with yourself about how horrible the blog is that eventually end up talking about politics and religion. Make sure to drop a few F-Bombs.
8. Remove akismet and all spam blocking software. Then go sign up at a free casino website, make sure to tell them about your blog.
9. Create posts with multiple embedded videos of you singing the same Christina Aguilera in different fake accents. Comment on how bad they are.
10. Make sure every post has AT LEAST 5 Google Adsense banners that are completely irrelevant.
Those are my 10 tips, feel free to add onto the list.
User Comments
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LMAO this was hilarious.
*thumbs up*!-
I think so, however I will never use these tips on my blog. LOL! -
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(1) Banner advertising and top of blog advertising that makes me scroll down to find the actual content ie. blog posts - I hate it! If you go for this kind of ugly and crass presentation then I will never subscribe to your blog and it's unlikely that I will ever visit it more than once. The best real estate on your blog is above the fold - location, location, location. If you place your advertising above the fold then you just told me that money comes first with you.
(2) Too much advertising including sidebar ads, pop up ads and mouse-over ads - (slow page loading time; makes it hard to find the actual content, distracts me from away from reading the actual content). I never subscribe to such blog and it's unlikely that I will ever visit it more than once.
(3) Too many colorful images, animated icons, embeds, widgets, gadgets and other useless "tat" like annoying auto-play music, chat boxes etc. on the front page and in the sidebar (slow page loading time and distraction). I will never subscribe to your blog and it's unlikely that I will ever visit it more than once.
(4) In appropriate use of anchor text "click here". I will grind my teeth and try to find a way to teach you how to do this properly onecoolsite.wordpress.com/2008/06/17/2008/05/31/how-to-select-and-use-ancho...
(5) Broken links, insanely long blogrolls containing "bad neighbors"
onecoolsite.wordpress.com/2008/03/12/wordpress-how-to-maintain-and-track-li...
onecoolsite.wordpress.com/2008/04/12/bad-neighbourhood-text-link-checker-to...
(6) No profile or About page - no blog description. Who the hell are you and why should I read your blog?
(7) Busy, loud or black backgrounds, dark backgrounds, busy photo or fabric like backgrounds with fonts that lack enough contrast to be easily read are not reader friendly. They cause your content to become difficult to find and to read.
(8) Blogs that consist of nothing more than video embeds usually from youtube that are found everywhere on the net on blog after blog.
(9) Text speak - I loathe it.
(10) Blogs filled with tacky posts and comments featuring rants and sensationalized rehashed news items filled with cursing, bathroom humor and/or sexual humor and/or sexual innuendo and/or religious material. Blech!
(11) Bloggers who think they are journalists but who make no attempt to research topics as fully as possible prior to writing and publishing.
* Investigate the background;
* Get the whole story;
* Learn about all sides of the issue;
* Seek out competing points of view;
* Read what the experts have to say;
* Get the facts straight;
* Be honest and avoid twisting the truth to support your bias;
* Use sound evidence;
* Employ valid reasoning;
* Site your sources and link to them.
onecoolsite.wordpress.com/2008/07/17/how-to-become-a-better-blogger-3-ethic...
(12) Painfully personal spill your guts posts on non-personal blogs. I don't expect nor do I want to read unrelated rambling posts about your kids, pets, dates, family, friends, office co-workers, landlords, neighbors, and personal affairs on a blog that is not categorized as personal.
(13) Terrible theme choices that fail to provide easy to locate and intuitive navigation, as well as, useful static pages and widgets that provide accessibility to all of your blog content.-
Wow TT thats quite a list!! But I have to agree with pretty much all of it.
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@samureyed
Your post in the OP cracked me up. -
I would disagree with (10) and suggest that this tactic will only increase blog traffic. And, if included pictures of vomiting - even better!~
(10) Blogs filled with tacky posts and comments featuring rants and sensationalized rehashed news items filled with cursing, bathroom humor and/or sexual humor and/or sexual innuendo and/or religious material. Blech! -
lol ... You're probably right.
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TT strikes again. I always love your prudent and thoughtful reply that reinforces my right attitude in blogging
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I think I actually break a lot of those rules... I can't help myself
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Oh, darn there goes the post about my hubby's trollish looking feet. -
Stop writing! I went down from about 10 visitors a day to 2 (including me and me again checking my Feedjit widget) by posting once a week instead of once a day. -
That was awesome, Samu! LOL! -
Is it possible to get negative traffic?
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Probably no, but my blog has about zero. :-)
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I love this! What a funny list. -
Wow! You have more talent in your little finger than most people have in their whole heads. I've been striving for a long time to find ways to drive traffic away from my blog, and you have come to the resuce.
Now, if I throw in:
...put in piped music
...advertising popups
...a complicated log-in procedure
...charge a $100 per year "Membership Fee"
Well, then I'll be all set.
Thanks again. I always live for positive thinking.-
haha complicated login procedure, thats a great idea.
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@ jackpayne: LOL "membership fee"!!!
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Make sure you have a good crowd hitting the site regularly-- then lock it, and make them request passwords and usernames to even view it.
Follow every sentence with a link to your TipJar.-
The must be a member to comment is a traffic reducer, for sure. And IMO the tip jar link in every post is a guaranteed traffic reducer too.
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Delete your blog & start a new one-
Very good comment, a new blog is always with 0 visitors.
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I don't know about the bathroom behaviour thing... that seems to generate traffic on some blogs... and interesting adsense ads, also -
Great list! I find it's hard to read postings that have too many unrelated topics. I prefer more structure. -
Make sure your blog has no links, better if it's only a webpage (one page only!) that takes you forever scrolling down to get to the bottom of your page content. -
Set your page to 404! Redirect to a different page with nude content or ad pages or maybe use hundreds of flash videos and widgets! -
"1. Nevr spel chek ur posts"
As abridged from my about me page; "With exception to sarcastic usage of net slang, all posts are in English and not Americanese."
"2. Post only images of your feet"
Hang on a second. There really are websites where people post nothing but their feet?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Goddamnit, sign me up!
"3. Sure to make broken English use"
my english use are best thx.
"4. Daily updates on your bathroom behavior"
Why not? It's more interesting than "I'm feeling depressed today".
"5. Eliminate the need for a blog template, thus creating clutter. The more clutter, the better."
I thought about this and figured that you could just print off your page, take a steaming dump on it and it would pretty much have the same desired impact.
"6. Widgets! HUNDREDS OF THEM!"
As above.
"7. Comment on all your posts while pretending to not be the publisher. Create arguments with yourself about how horrible the blog is that eventually end up talking about politics and religion. Make sure to drop a few F-Bombs."
I don't need to do any of that. F-bombs, as you so eloquently put it, are commonplace on my festering scab of a weblog. In fact, bad netiquette is actively encouraged on my blogosphere. The only exception is...
"8. Remove akismet and all spam blocking software. Then go sign up at a free casino website, make sure to tell them about your blog."
...that crap.
"9. Create posts with multiple embedded videos of you singing the same Christina Aguilera in different fake accents. Comment on how bad they are."
I'd love to post the videos where I bludgeoned her with her own microphone but I'm afraid I'd get arrested for it. Mind you, there is one where I ram the same microphone up her arse and obtain a better singing voice.
"10. Make sure every post has AT LEAST 5 Google Adsense banners that are completely irrelevant."
Who gives a damn about relevance anyway? Not me, baby.
In conclusion, I rule. So suck my nads.-
Hahaha good responses, I got a little inspired to create a "steaming dump" template for Wordpress.. I'll think about it some more next time im on the can.
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haha, yeah that is the difference but no one want to decrease they traffics.. what ever.. -
1) Delete any posts that have ever received a hit.
2) Delete any posts that appear in the top 5 pages in a Google Search.
3) Use the display: hidden CSS tag for all text.
4) Just in case, make all of the text the same color as the background.
5) And, go even further and change the font size to 1 point Wingding.-
Good ones ... lol
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One point wingding for teh win!
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@ carsonfb: LOL!!!
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Add scrolling texts on the header, put eye-blinding ads on the sidebars and litter posts with plenty of animated gifs. But but my blog doesn't have those yet still gets near zero traffic, hmm I wonder why...
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LOL this is TFF -
This is funny, so a bump up probably won't be annoying.
But I have a question about timethief's comment:
"7) Busy, loud or black backgrounds, dark backgrounds, busy photo or fabric like backgrounds with fonts that lack enough contrast to be easily read are not reader friendly. They cause your content to become difficult to find and to read."
My blog has a black background (white text). This is the first time I've heard this is a bad thing. Why is it bad, (or is it only in combination with the other things listed), and should I change it to a white background (black text)?
I hate to think I've been driving people away (or mad) with a poor display.
Bullgrit-
@bullgrit
I'm visually challenged and many other people on the net are also visually challenged. I have described the most of the things that present us with reading difficulties.
"7) Busy, loud or black backgrounds, dark backgrounds, busy photo or fabric like backgrounds with fonts that lack enough contrast to be easily read are not reader friendly. They cause your content to become difficult to find and to read."
I have checked out your blog and I have good news. There is enough contrast between the font color and the background color for me to read it with ease. -
Thanks for the explanation, timethief.
Bullgrit
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The best way to reduce traffic:
*******301 PERMANENT REDIRECT ALL YOUR TRAFFIC TO MY BLOG*******-
@ iritza104, I could do that...if you don't mind the one hit a day...being my Mom!
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#9 might actually increase your traffic. -
Content is king, and if you throw this concept away, you would pretty much be digging your blog's grave.-
I agree. the blogs and websites that have no original content are worthless. Unfortunately there are a lot of those worthless pages around.
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1. write all your sentences like this ,and remember to use the exclamation mark a lot !!!!!in wrong places and enthusiastically !!!but only after hitting the space bar first .
2. Never talk to anyone else, don't participate in communities or forums (such as this.)
3. React strongly to every even slightly negative comment someone leaves for you, especially if they put forward a good well educated argument. Visit their blog and tear their content apart in your response just to prove how right you were.
I think you all have covered everything else. -
You are guru of all gurus -
Stop paying your hosting fees will definitely reduce traffic. -
Create posts like:
Understanding the correct use of an apostrophe
How to mow your lawn and achieve a very neat result
How to correctly send an email to the Britney Spears website
How to reuse a plastic bag and save your supermarket lots of cash
How to form a boy band and be hated by most people
just a few......-
but best of all...
set your blog to private
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Oh you are hilarious! This is the best thing I've read all day. I'll have to check out your blog! -
@ Timethief --> "Painfully personal spill your guts posts on non-personal blogs. I don't expect nor do I want to read unrelated rambling posts about your kids, pets, dates, family, friends, office co-workers, landlords, neighbors, and personal affairs on a blog that is not categorized as personal".
Timethief, don't beat around the bush, tell us how you really feel!
Here's a short continuance from the original post.
11. Abandoning your blog for months. It's October, where have you been for 4 months, in jail?
12. Recycling posts (Your RSS has the same article feed with two different dates?) If the article fared poorly the first time, why roll it out again?
13. Blogs that transition from being helpful and informative to obscure posts of barely 150 words...of babbling. (To make it worse, you sealed your fate with the tragic "apology" for "not posting in a while!" Ugh!)
14. Regurgitating news stories as opposed to unique content. (Dude, you are not Fox or CNN.)
15. Posts surrounding material found on Clickbank. (Need I say more about this?)
16. Incessant name dropping and self-inclusion with some of the well-known names in the industry.
17. Bashing bloggers for attempting to monetize their blogs. (If you want to read something without paying, go to the library!)
18. (And the biggest) Being overly critical of other bloggers and blogs. [Especially overseas/English Second Language Bloggers] Trashing other blogs will not beat a path to your own.
Be encouraging and supportive. The internet has a way of naturally weeding itself out.
Source Blogger -
Oh.
My.
Goodness.
Thank you! This is a refreshing change of pace. Also provides me with a topic for an Apathetic Lemming of the North post that'll show up tomorrow.
Good concept.-
"Bump"
And shameless self-promotion. My micro-review of this discussion thread: apatheticlemming.blogspot.com/2009/10/want-to-reduce-your-blogs-traffic-her... -
"Bump" again.
This thread is too much fun to let languish - particularly on a weekend.
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hahahaha
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