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In a new relationship, when do you throw in the towel?
Posted by fearless21 • 2/18/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: irritations, red flags, relationships
The question is: when a relationship is new, how do you know what little irritations are likely to be come a major red flag and relationship deal-breaker?
Here is an exerpt of the question from the latest post on our blog:
PeaM who is in a new relationship wrote on Chickswhochat.blogspot.com
"This bothered me and I told him so. Am I being too critical? Are there certain growing pains that are normal at the beginning of a relationship? We have discussed this at length and at this point I am far from throwing in the towel but I don't have the strength to put in a lot of effort fixing a guy even though I know that men usually need to be trained a little.
How do I know if a guy needs major repairs or just fine tuning?"
Give us your advice, we have a number of bloggers on our site who are in new relationships and could benefit from an independent, unbiased perspective.
User Comments
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The question is: if he doesn't change, ten years from now, will you be happy? Will you except this part of him, without changing it? Because you cannot change anyone, other than yourself. Your perspective, perceptions, etc. -
I agree with searchingwithin.
There is no "fine tuning" another person per se. You can either accept the annoyances, or overlook them, or walk away from the person because of them. -
#1. When you tell him to please take the light off when he is not in a room that he is no longer using and he insist in keeping the light on, he does not have your best interest at heart and it's pretty much over.
#2. When he forgets that you're making dinner for him and he calls you to tell you that he can't make it last minute, it's pretty much over.
#3. When you are speaking to him and he ain't looking you in the eye or he forgot what you painstakenly took the time to tell him, it's pretty much over.
#4. When you tell him that you don't like something and he insist on forcing you to like it or bending your will, it's pretty much over.
#4. If you believe that your man is cheating on you, you are correct and it's pretty much over.
#5. If you roll over in bed and what you see to the side of you, you strongly want to suffocate,
it's pretty much over.
#6. It's time to stop being in denial, realize your error and come clean, time to move on.-
#5. If you roll over in bed and what you see to the side of you, you strongly want to suffocate, it's pretty much over.
I feel that way everyday about my husband. But we're still going strong
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hehehe I use to wonder about marriage but I am content where I am at the moment.
I made a mistake as I have 2 #4's. It should be 6-7 principles total.
Oh and I forgot to add...#6-7
When he continues to leave the toilet seat up when he knows you hate to see it up
and can possibly drop you makeup brush in the toilet bowl when up....it's pretty much over.
All the reasons that I gave is pretty much what killed it for me. -
And I waited 21 years before ending mine. By then I was subsisting on a bowl of oatmeal a day and some apricots swiped from the neighbor's tree. That's when I started in the sex industry and found several cases even worse. -
I love the tips Jeunelle!
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@LynneaUrania...Hmmm mmmm makes you wonder what the hell are most of these men doing if they can't even please and satisfy their women.
@fealess21...Glad you like the tips, I learned them the hard way but worth learning.
Hall & Oates - Maneater
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ap-OO0xqTe4 -
Ummm, Jeunelle...that partner of 21 years was a woman.
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Ah well in that case what she was doing
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$5. If you roll over in bed and what you see to the side of you, you strongly want to suffocate, it's pretty much over.
This is the best one of all.-
And that is why I choose to remain happily single.
I would have committed many murders in my time.
Just call me the black widow. lmao
Everytime I'm in a relationship, my eyes are on the door.
Deadly Mates: Black Widow Spider
www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcdKlgFOPsQ -
Love it!
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Guys on the other hand have pet peeves like this one:
(I rest my case)
Why women need pretty feet!!!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUg-_Won67g-
@Jeunelle,
I think that foot link is funny. It would make for good discussion!
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I do think that there are some red flags present in PeaM's story for instance:
PeaM said
"Last week a girl came up to him when we were together in a bar (He wasn't standing next to me at the time). She asked him if he was alone, and what his situation was. He thought I set him up and was trying to trap him if he took the bait. I was shocked!"
Trying to trap him? WTH?-
@fearless21...Definitely and in most cases women do see the warning signs and clearly doubt them and pay dearly later. Many women pay with their lives.
Gun shot to the face by the Boy friend ( Not for Minor )
If any woman has to go through all this shit for the sake of being in a relationship, I would rather stay single and keep my sanity. Love what love is there in this world?
www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDFl8sjw0h8&feature=PlayList&p=C076FDFD501AFD3F&pla... -
I am definitely going to make PeaM read this thread! I am not the only cautious alert woman in this world!
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And people wonder why I don't want to get married. At the end of my 21-year bad marriage, I was reduced to a bowl of oatmeal and some apricots swiped from the neighbor's tree. Back then I was even going on dates so I could get a meal out of it and that led to a pretty bad trend in the sex industry. It took everything about me to break out of that spiral.
And that was a marriage to a woman.-
I am sorry to hear about your marriage. At least you are in a better place now..blogging and chatting with us chicks
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@fearless21....It pays to be cautious and alert especially today.
@LynneaUrania...Yes and it takes all your energy to escape this rut once you hit bottom.
I had to pray for divine intervention and I did receive it within a day or two but I was at an all time low once and I mean low. My strength was drained and it was as if a vampire had sucked me dry. I battled with a devil and almost didn't make it out alive not without help. I remember falling into a deep sleep for 3 days straight without waking up, that is how week I was at the time from battling with this devil and the funny thing is I felt strange when I let him come to my home on the 1st day. Once he entered my house and front door it was as if I opened my door for the devil himself. -
I believe it.
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We have had several comments on this post pointing to the possibility that this guy may have control issues. I really think there is a red flag here.
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You think??? lmao
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It's usually the other way around.
The things we think are cute become those 'little irritations' way later when it's usually too late, lol.
If they are irritations AT ALL now... run the other way. It WON'T get better.-
Well said they start out as small irritations and it doesn't get any better when you realize
you should have listened to that little voice in the back of your head.
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You thrown in the towel when your fighter gets pummeled into submission but is to prideful to quit.-
Submission is only a state of mind and our problems can be reversed and pride turned to joy.
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Boy! I am certainly enlightened. You guys are very insightful and funny to boot! It is very sad to me that no one wrote that they had a pet peeve that they mentioned to their mate and HE STOPPED DOING IT and they lived happily ever after! Are men really that unyielding?
As of last nite: I may have to add a #8:
When you have just hit the 1 month mile marker and your guy tells you that he doesn't want a "part-time" relationship. He wants to be with you all the time to share every little thing in your day. He thinks you are not committed enough. Is it pretty much over?
I feel that this is very premature request. I may be faced with a constant pressure to give all of myself when I am just at the beginning. Is this a red flag?-
Hey Pea,
Co-Blogger do have rights now...Thanks Blog Catalog! Now everyone knows knows you really do exist.
All I can say about that is .... after one month he wants to be with you all the time. Can you say control freak.
Run Run Run!
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My husband, boyfriend at the time knew that one of his habits/hobbies was a deal breaker for me and he gave it up. We're happily married now. We both are continually working on our relationship but early in the dating stage I just had to let him know that one thing he did was a definite deal breaker...if I hadn't told him he wouldn't have known. I think you should determine what you want first then compare that to the guy or any guy you're with. You'll end up happier than trying to continually tweak him. Good Luck!
Ashley
Beauty4Moms.blogspot.com -
I agree with the people who say you cannot 'fine tune' another human being. What you can do is communicate, which your friend did do in the story--that's one of the three basic tenets of having a good relationship (trust, honesty, communication).
When people try to change to *only* please another person, it rarely satisfies either person. The person who does the (so called) changing can feel resentful and disengenuous--and the person who requested the change often feels the partner didn't do a good enough job.
Change can only come from within and be done for oneself. This is the only way change can be successful. -
One of my deal breakers happened on my 3rd date with a guy. Date #2 we'd gone out for dinner on a Friday night and then clubbing at a bar and I was drinking my drink of choice (Kahlua and milk). Date #3 was the very next night and we went out to a bar with some of my friends and he asked me 'Want a drink?' and I said sure, thinking that certainly he would remember what I would want. He came back with a Tom Collins or something like that.
We did end up going out another time or two because he did have some things going in his favor but I was really annoyed that he couldn't remember what I liked to drink. -
A deal breaker for me is a man with lack of tolerance and empathy for others. I was on a date in the last century :), he started making fun of gay people during the date, specifically Freddie Mercury from Queen (who I happened to like). That was it for me. Done!
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Yeah, if the person is bad mouthing others - particularly on a first or second date, I'd leave without pause.
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Maybe I'm a bit of an idealist, but I think PeaM has set her standards too low. What's the point of being with someone that causes uncertainty? Men do not need to be trained!! I want her to vaporize that belief from her mind! Men are what they are--we're not beat up old cars that you send in to "Pimp My Ride" for a miraculous transformation. If the man isn't quite to your liking, find a better one! They're out there! -
Well, PeaM threw in the towel, he hung up on her one too many times. Her latest post is on our site for those of you who have been following this discussion.
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The first year (at least) of a relationship should be absolutely perfect without so much as one argument, IMO. If you don't think a person is absolutely perfect in the beginning, when you have hormones working on your body that make you less aware of people's faults, I don't see much hope for the future.
Oh, and something people URGENTLY need to know. THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA. Respect yourself enough not to settle for less than a person who thrills you, who you connect with, and who treats you very kindly. You may feel bad about breaking up with someone, but you will be doing the both of you a great favor. -
Listen to your gut and learn from past mistakes. -
I'm actually writing about this tomorrow. Short answer...If you find there's nothing to hold on to, chances are you need to just let go.
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