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Is Friendship after breaking up possible?
Posted by bringbackpluto • 10/16/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: advice, Dating, friendship, MEN, relationships, women
We were recently asked this very question on our BLOG.
www.theguysperspective.typepad.com
Where do you stand with this?
Do you think men and women think differently about this?
User Comments
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I'll get this started. Women seem more open to this at least in my experience. What do you think?
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it's possible. not likely though.-
Will you elaborate? For THE GUYS??
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Already crossed the border, so a friendship after that could possibly means a friendship with more than just a friendship. No more special feeling yet the happy moments always in mind?
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In my experience, I wouldn't mind being friends after a breakup, but if a guy ever says he wants to be friends, he is really just trying to get me back again.-
I think you may be right if you break up with him. If he breaks up with you, then he's trying to move on.
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I think it's often healthy to become friends afterwards.... not immediately though.
You admired and liked that person for a reason and it didn't work out as a relationship. In my view, why waste all the time you gave getting to know the person by throwing it away b/c you were just not compatible as a couple.
It def takes 2 to see it in a similar point of view. A lot of my ex's are my most close friends b/c of the time we shared together, getting to know each other.
Even though there are some that b/c of me finding out who they really are by getting close, I now look for in a guy that he has relationships with ex's -
yeah i think so... well i dont know about guys, but i would be.. still friends that is. -
I agree with most of what Pandora says. If someone becomes a part of your life, even family, it seems unnatural to abruptly halt that because the shape of the relationship changes. There's a pitfall if one or the other person is hoping to get back together, but other than that friendship seems much healthier than a swift, artificial end to a long-term relationship.-
And you lose a piece of yourself.
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You do loose a piece of your self and a piece of your time you spent. It's so much more satisfying to see a positive result.
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it's a possibility but it's very difficult to get over the bitterness - and generally speaking, you end up sleeping together and then someone starts to misinterpret sex for emotion.... makes it all messy. I prefer to cut and run. I can be civil if I see him in public, and it's funny how their new girlfriends become instantly possessive of them..... they don't know my motto is enjoy my leftovers, I've had my fill.-
Funny! You must be one of THE GUYS too??!!
But just better looking. -
Must every break-up involve bitterness?
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I thought we had already established that I'm one of The Guys - I just have bigger boobs.
Realistically, it's rare that I hang on to an Ex for friendship. The one exception is my ex-husband...we spent ten years together and have maintained a decent friendship, as well as an annual ritual of sleeping together, always in May for some reason, if we are both single LOL
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Reading the responses here, it seems that maybe the key is whether or not you were friend IN the relationship. If you were, it's natural to continue. If you viewed the other person primarily as a sexual commodity, it makes little sense to try to create a friendship where none existed before when you break up.
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MadameX
Mutual break ups usually can be civil or even turn to friendships. Sounds like in your case they have. That's great! And probably ideal... But if one person wants something more, it seems difficult to avoid bitterness.
Time helps too.
One note from THE GUYS. A divorce involving kids is a different matter. It seems to us that both sides need to get along as well as they can for the kids. But that's probably a different discussion topic altogether. -
i think it's an individual thing, not a male female thing.
I'm friends with all my ex's-
In my experience it's more of a guy thing. That's only my experience though.
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I think it is possible but it really depends on the two people. People have different views and some can be friends and some are bitter after the break up. Probably also depends on the break up. If somebody cheated there will be a bitterness.-
Yes, cheating brings it into a whole new category I would imagine.
Seems tough to be friends with someone who cheated on you regardless of how good friends you were in your relationship.
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Ted and I are friends. I'm not sure if it's bc he wants to be back together though. I'm still on the fence about that one.-
What do you want? Do you like being friends?
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I like being friends. It brings a lot into my life.
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I like being friends so refreshing. I'm just scared once he realizes that's all it gonna be the jerk ted will show up
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I think relationships are as intricate as the people in them. I know couples who have been friends with their spouse (very good friends) for 30 or 40 years. It is possible. I am still good friends with my ex. -
My ex-boyfriend is my very best friend. After four years of living together it seemed even more heart breaking to lose the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world. For the past three years we have continued being close friends. I have to say that there have been difficult moments but I think that stands true in any close relationship. I think if you truly love someone then they will always be in your heart. I have unconditional love for the people in my life and would never want to end a friendship.-
That's great.
But how do the new GUYS in your life feel about your relationship with your ex?
Just curious. THis is great info for THE GUYS!! Thanks! -
Well put!
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bringbackpluto, that's never been a problem in my life. Once, when my daughter was a baby, my ex-fiance and his new girlfriend had Thanksgiving dinner with my husband and daughter and I. If everyone involved is open and honest and is able to see members of the opposite sex as humans rather than just sexual objects, I don't think it presents any conflict at all.
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Be back in a little bit.
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U know what. I don't have any guys in my life right now,but when it does happeen he would just have to get over it. Ted will always be apart of my life bc we are raising kids
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That makes total sense. As it should be for the kids!
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I am no longer friends with any of my exes. Most of my relationships ended on pretty bad terms so that's probably why.-
A dialog in a bollywood movie: It ends badly, or it never ends!
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Well then ur next bf doesn't have to worry bout the ex bf
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A lot depends on one's philosophy. Most of the people I've known and have grown old with put a high value on freedom and friendship. So in spite of sundry affairs, break-ups, betrayals, incompatabilities and discontents we've all managed to remain friends. -
I say, bah, I hate to quote a boy band song, but here it goes, "...I want it all or nothing at all!" I'm all good with being friends after a short relationship, like a couple of months or so, but for something long, like a couple of years, once it's done, it's done!-
A clean break is sometimes the only way to go.
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some people pride themselves on being "friends" with their exes but they aren't really friends, just friendly. I'm friends, in the true sense, with one ex. We were friends who tried twice to build more from it and couldn't so we accepted it and have both moved on in our relationships but remain the dearest of friends. I'm friendly with my other exes. Not close as close once was but not throwing pointy or flamy objects at each other either. -
Interesting. I think one of the things members of my generation rebelled against was exclusivity in relationships, the man-woman-nuclear family-thing. In a way friendship meant more to us than love in the conventional sense. We didn't want our relationships to isolate us from experience or the rest of the human race.
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no friendship for me. It didn't work out, so I am off minding my business elsewhere. I never looked at you as a friend, and don't want any more of you period
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Well ted's ex wife and me are good friends. We even go spend weekends with them.
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I'm the ex wife to my exhusbands new wife. They've been married over 20 years, I guess she's not so new. We remained partially civil and as time wore on became almost warm. Now though, we've kind of become some3time friends. We're on each other's face books and we don't exchange hate but we aren't buddy buddy either. It's good that you have a good working relationship with your ex's ex. Especially if there're kids involved. Or in my case, a grandchild we all adore. Grandchildren can make friends of the coldest of exes
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Yup!!!
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Life is definitely different than I imagined as a kid growing up. And way more complicated, but somehow more simple too.
The relationship piece is more complicated, but more interesting than I imagined because I do have a lot of different friends from all the different parts of my life. Elementary school friends, high school, college, playing sports, coaching sports, kids, music, other activities. And yes even and ex or two, although more just mutual understanding, rather than someone I hang with a lot.
The simple part. Just being able to enjoy having a nice conversation with another person. Or just being with another person w/out having to talk. Nice.
OK, now I'm off my own TOPIC!!-
I think it's also about how we look at people too. Some look at strangers and see strangers, others look at them and see someone to get along with if only for a few short minutes. I was a sports mom. There were the cliques, the loners, and the everyones. I was an everyone. I figured if we had to sit in bleachers together three days a week and for entire weekends then we might as well chit chat so I'd talk to any of the parents. Most would talk too and over the years we made some good friends out of three days a week sitting on bleachers. If we choose to be friendly to strangers life can go by quickly. And sometimes out of it we make a good friend or two.
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"If we choose to be friendly to strangers life can go by quickly."
This definitely depends on your nature. I do make an effort to be friendly to everyone in circumstances like you describe, but that kind of small-talk slows things down unbelievably for me. Sitting and watching an hour-long practice by myself and thinking, it seems to zip by in about five minutes. Chit-chatting about Susie's braces and whether it's going to rain this weekend and the great deal someone got on a handbag makes it feel like three or four hours to me.
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I say you can never have to many friends...
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I agree, except sometimes it's hard to stay in touch with everyone. I like to have regular connection with the people I truly consider my friends.
I do a pretty good job, but it's hard, but certainly worth it. Too many more might throw me off balance though!!!
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Well not for me...I have never met a stranger
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I'm with Holly on this one. Everyone is my friend until proven otherwise.
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I guess it depends how you define friend and what you're looking for form each.
Some of my friends are people I play tennis or basketball with. But we don't talk much. But they're still fun to hang with. Others I go hear music with and others I talk about our kids with.
But my best friends are the ones that we share much of our lives together.
But defining it like that, most people would be my friend.-
It's like a play. Everyone contributes. Everyone plays their part.
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That's very apt, NP. And everyone has a part, whether we recognize it or not.
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EXACTLY
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I have remained friends with the men from each of my "serious" relationships through the years. And, when I say "serious", I mean I dated each of these guys for anywhere from 1-4 years. 2 of them were even invited to my wedding with my now husband.. yes, people think I'm crazy, but I've always had very healthy break-ups and I think that's part of the reason we could remain friends.
Each relationship ran it's course and we both realized that although we cared for each other deeply, we were not meant to be long term partners so we decided to part ways romantically. But we did not give up the friendship. Sometimes it takes a while to work out the parameters of this new relationship, but eventually we each found our groove.
I think that for anyone with whom you choose to have a long term relationship, there have to be some inherent things you really like & enjoy about that person. The things you like about that person don't magically disappear just because you are no longer romantically involved. I truly liked these guys and didn't stop liking them when we broke up... there was just something "missing".
I think it's much harder to do if one of you feels a stronger attraction to the other, but this is also a great reason to be completely honest with each other throughout your relationships. If are both on the same page it's much more likely that you can remain friends (if you want to!)-
Of course this also means your new boyfriends/husband will have to be pretty accepting as well. It sounds like you found someone like that.
Good for you!! -
Very good point! There is a great level of respect & trust with my hubby. He has never felt threatened by any of my friendships and has grown to be friends with these guys also. I'm VERY fortunate, and I married a wonderful guy!!
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I am friends with many of my exes, even an ex-husband (that one took 16 years of separation before we made friendship work and it's a fairly cool friendship). If you broke up and treated each other respectfully, then it's possible. (Some examples: my high school friend and I broke up because his parents insisted; later on I broke up with someone because our relationship goals were not similar, another time I just decided that while he was a nice enough guy I didn't want to be in a relationship with him.) If there's infidelity or any other trust issue, you have to ask yourself if you REALLY want that person for a friend, and if so, what kind of friendship you want with that kind of person.
IMHO all this jealousy over past relationships is silly. In the case of my high school boyfriend, his current wife (who is stunning) is jealous of me. He and I had 35 years to change our minds and it didn't happen in over a third of a century. And to be honest, my high school romance isn't the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. -
It is possible, but it takes time. Emotional maturity is a factor, as is accepting responsibility for one's behavior before and during the breakup.-
Good points!
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Maybe, but I'm not sure it's desirable. Such actions tend to make life more superficial and love more expendable. Best to leave someones life completely. -
Best thing to do is piss them off right out of your life, unless of course your sharing child custody.-
Yes....kids.....they certainly can complicate things.
Nothing is ever clean again. Breakups, the house, etc.
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I'm curious. If you were able to be friends, why did you give up on the work required to make the relationship work? I'm not involved with any of my exes but we did not give up on the relationships easily. By the time we gave up, the relationships were dead. We parted for compelling reasons and moved forward.-
To whom are you asking?
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In my case, it depends upon the situation... possible and impossible.. -
The article was pretty good. I left a comment.
For the situation listed in the posting I don't think the two people can be friends for a number of reasons one being she's still attracted to him and I think hoping he will change his mind.
In general I think being friends after breaking sounds great in theory but can crash in burn in real life depending on the people. If someone has ulterior motives it won't work out and that can be on the male or female side of the house.-
Thanks for your comment on our post. I appreciate it. And for contributing to this discussion.
I value what you have to say.
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possible if sex was good! -
Still talk with all my exes. Though hubby sometimes felt threatened by their presence in my life. But of course won't give up their friendship because marriage didn't work out, neither will i sacrifice my hubby's feelings for anyone. Still love and care about all of them, will always help in whatever little way I can to add to their happiness -
i think it is if you've both moved on and are happily dating other people.
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