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Is It OK to Ask Your Bridesmaids to Loose Weight?
Posted by lotusb • 7/08/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: weddingpartys
Ok, this is kinda funny but also somewhat of a moral issue for most people.
I'm going to go ahead and throw the gauntlet and state that I would have zero problems asking a few of my friends to drop a few before my big day or cover up a tattoo with a cleverly placed arm band or shawl...
What do you think?
Food for thought..interesting article on the topic: www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23155203-2,00.html
User Comments
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I think either they're your friends and you love and accept 'em as is, or not.
I've seen a few weddings recently where the bridesmaids dresses were in different styles but of the same color, so they flattered all sorts of figures. It ended up being very tasteful. Because, honestly, how many people have friends who are of uniform height and weight?
Anyway, it's one day of life. An important day. But part of the idea is to share the joy of it with friends.
And it tends to put a little stain on that joy when you've just told your bud, "Hey, I've always thought you were a bit on the chunky side."-
You do know I wasn't trying to say THAT, Lotus, right?
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No!! I know! Seriously..I'm honestly admitting to my ability to be an ass...not being sarcastic at all. I do actually 100% agree with you on everything you said.
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Allllrighty then.
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Comment removed by community?
Yipes...ya just never know. -
So random. Who reported that? I didn't think self-defamation was against the TOS.
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Only if it's okay to ask the bride to shave her head because the veil makes her head look too big.-
Lol!!
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No, I don't think it's right. It falls into bridezilla territory.
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How come there are no "Groomzillas"??
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I think there are no "groomzillas" because guys just don't care enough to ask their friends to go to extremes for "their special day."
I really think the bridezilla mentality comes from being raised to expect "your perfect day where you are the center of attention and you're a princess."
I think it's also a result of the billion dollar wedding industry encouraging women to spend more and more and more. -
True DAT!! Basically this won't even be an issue for me, because if I EVER decide to legally commit myself to another person (and that's a BIG IF)I'd much rather go to the justice of peace and then throw a big shin dig, crazy band, good food, dancing and massive amounts of liquor before my new husband and I shove off the next morning on a month long excursion into India or Mali.
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The grooms and groomsmen rent outfits that cover 95% of their bodies and are very forgiving (barring highly-pleated pants) of a few extra pounds. If the ladies all wore tuxes, too, it'd be a million times easier for everyone involved. -
It won't be an issue for me either. I would get a cheap but pretty dress, tell the groom to put a tie on, head over to the court house, and then have a SPECTACULAR party where everyone is just having a good time. No bridal party, no rehearsals, no bickering over table placement. No 50K wedding for me.
I would rather spend the money on a month long trip as well or as a down payment on a house/condo. -
Yep, great minds think alike!! I'd rather avoid the hooplaw for something so sacred. I know how I am...obviously, with my opinion on this topic...so I'd rather just avoid it altogether. Anyone awesome enough to make me settle down would be prize enough.
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There's a hilarious BBC show called "Don't tell the Bride" where the BBC give some money towards a couple's wedding...only the bride isn't allowed to be involved in the planning at all! She can't even choose or try on her dress before the wedding-day! It's hilarious seeing them try and plan a girly wedding with their mates...they usually do a good job though!
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Nope.
You should pick people who are OK the way they are.
You run several risks with what you propose:
1) alienating people who are insulted at your chutzpah at asking them to remake themselves at your whim
2) hurting people who are sensitive about their weight/looks and who, as a result of your request, suffer damage to their self esteem
3) losing as friends people who thought you were their friend but who now have reconsidered.
If they are too fat, tall, purple haired, pierced, tattooed or otherwise unacceptable to be in your wedding pictures for eternity, invite them as honoured guests and get unremarkable people to be in the bridal party. -
I would be so offended if someone asked me to lose weight to be in their wedding. In fact, I know none of my friends would do such a thing--and if they did, I would seriously reconsider our friendship.-
Yea, I see that's the popular opinion here, and I totally see where that is coming from. Like I said, I'm just not very sensative about weight issues and I also tend to be a bit of an ass. My bff and I are a very well-paired set of friendsies.
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Well, I guess I am sensitive about weight. After I stopped using heroin, I gained a lot of weight--I'd never been fat before (or since) that time. People were so mean to me when I was fat--and most particularly, women were mean. I did lose the weight I gained and noticed the difference (again) in the way I was treated thin as compared to how I was treated as a fat girl.
I love my friends unconditionally--I have fat friends and thin friends and I would never dream of asking any of them to lose (or gain, for that matter) weight. -
Well I can understand that perspective, and I know your history and I think your amazing for all the things you went through. I came from a family where weight was always brought up. My mother is and always has been very thin. The slightest pound extra and from a young age I saw and heard her gripe about how awful she looks even though she and my grandmother and great grandmother have intimidatingly striking beauty. Instead of loosing confidence, I just took it as a common thing. Your either comfortable thin or comfortable heavy. I have friends who I think are very heavy and I hear them complain about it from time to time. They know my response will be, "I agree you should loose weight, and I totally support you in that effort." I would consider my wedding the perfect opportunity to set a weight goal, and if I had friends who were happy being bigger and the dress cut for the bridesmaids would be unflattering I would simply let them know that. I have no problem with giving a harsher honesty and most people in my inner circle know me for that.
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Well, I guess we have to agree to disagree on our approach with this issue. To me, outward appearances are so insignificant as far as what is important in a person.
Believe me, I was an actress and even did a bit of modeling when I was younger--so I understand that weight IS something that most people look at as important--but to me it is not. One of my most beautiful friends weighs well over two hundred pounds--but when I see her, I only see beauty. Becaue of what a spectacular individual she is.
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Yesterday it was dating, today it's weddings. What's this wimpy generation coming to?-
hell in a handbasket?
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When did free love, non-commitment, total irresponsibility and unprotected sex become a sin?
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Wait...thats a sin?
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Sometime in the 80's. The 80's generation was far more conservative than the hippies in the 60's and 70's. The 80's produced a lot of right wing nut jobs.
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I am definitely an 80's nutjob....but I have neither a left nor right wing.
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Ummmm, when AIDS became a concern. It's not a sin, it's just stupid. (I'm referring to the unprotected part. I don't personally think that two consenting adults having relations requires some deep commitment first.)
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A weight issue again?
Yes sure they could ask, it would save time and money of actually going to the wedding.-
Exactly...less mouths to feed.
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Will anyone be there?
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I'll be there and frankly boo the rest. Hee hee...
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nope. all my friends are pretty
I couldn't ask them to be there and make them change into something they aren't. If anyone asked that of me, i would make them taste shoes' leather from their throat.-
I'd probably hit the treadmill, but I have no emotional attachments to the issue of weight.
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it isn't the weight that would bother me. But the fact that they would tell me what to do. No one tells me what to do and gets away with it. okay, maybe the kids and sometimes D., lol!
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Who is thie "D" person you speak of...?
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mi hombre
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Thats funny...this isn't a blog promotion, but the "main character" for the past year and a half in my blog has been my ex-hombre, also referred to as "D"...
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lol, I guess the only men worth blogging about are named D. =)
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I love my friends as they are. I could never do that. My friends know about their own issues and they don't need salt on a wound.-
See, I don't take being asked or told I should loose weight as a wound. I gained a bit of weight this year and my bff clearly stated that I looked a bit on the porkish side...it motivated me to hit the gym. I love her all the more for it. I'm always very honest about weight, and don't think it's such a taboo thing. I do realize not everyone feels that way, though and I totally see where your coming from.
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My best friend has a thyroid issue. She has the worst time ever losing weight it's not like you or I you eat a salad, drink some water, exercise and it's gone. She has to work triple the amount that I do to lose weight.
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I think anyone with a medical condition that makes it difficult for them to loose weight is a totally seperate issue. In my mind, the "ability" factor is definitely key. I would never presume to approach someone suffering from an illness that effects their weight and ask them to drop it for an event, that's way beyond the line of my ass-holishness.
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The wedding day is your day, but what that means is that you make the decisions that make you happy. You shouldn't except people to change for you. If you have the kind of friendship were you can be honest and quickly move on a better approach would be voluntary wedding boot camp. You exercise together and 3 times a week. I think asking your friend to cover a tattoo but be okay if she says no.-
Wedding boot camp is a cute idea...I like the way ya think.
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My relationship to one of my cousins changed forever after I found out that she didn't ask me to be her bridesmaid (even though we were very close) because I'm fat. She chose only the thinest of my cousins. I didn't even go to her wedding.
I was maid of honor to my best friend a couple of years a go, and no, the weight was not an issue. Bridesmaids are suppose to be people you care about and that care about you, just love them as they are.-
Makes sense...I personally think that if I care about someone and they want their wedding pary to look a certain way I'd either agree to it or not, but I wouldn't get offened by it. I welcome friends gutsey enough to tell me my muffin top is turning into a whole cake. I think that's valuable honesty.
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I know someone who did that and ended up with several cousins for her bridal party because her original choices (all but one of whom fit her "requirements") told her to blow it out her beeep that if they were good enough to be her friends as is, then they should've been good enough to be bride's maids as is. -
LMAO...only because I know how serious you are about asking people to "slim down" for the betterment of the wedding.
Personally while I would prefer everyone be svelte for the wedding my friends will forever be my friends regardless of packaging I couldn't imagine being with anyone else by my side.-
I think it's all about wording...for example if I said,
"I think your totally beautiful and can't picture anyone else walking down the aisle with me on my special day. I think it would be a good idea for all of us to commit to working out together or apart up to the day of fittings and the day of the wedding so not only are we together in the mission of getting healthier and looking fabulous but that you get some support in shedding those extra pounds you've been mentioning you want to drop. "
On a scale of 1-10 ass-holishness..where does that rate? -
@lotusb, on the a$$hole scale I would give it a 3...I mean you've just found a kinder gentler way to say hey fatass lose the weight or you're not in the wedding...I kid I kid...at the end of the day it's your wedding and your friends probably already know how you are so they shouldn't expect anything less...right???
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Abso-friggin-lutely...
Still...it's a mute point. As I mentioned elsewhere in this thread...I'm hitting the courthouse and then vaca when it comes to my numptuals..no ceremony, no bridal party...
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Well my foster sister did that, but instead of saying drop a few pounds she bought their dresses a size too small and said sh couldn't afford the alterations because of trying to pay off her student loan.
The girls were flattered that she "thought" they were smaller than what they were, and it ended up they all worked out together to "keep to bride sticking to her diet". So essentially she asked it but covered it up with flattery and them helping her to get in shape for her big day. IE: "Oh please come to the gym with me, I don't want to slack off", "Can you get on the treadmill with me so I don't look silly", etc -
I remember hearing my sister in law debating which of her friends she would ask to be a bridesmaid. Turns out she didnt want to choose her best friend because she had broad shoulders and crooked teeth. I thought that was so shallow!-
Wow....I don't know if I would take it that far...I draw the line at obesity and tattoos.
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And she was her best friend? wow!
I agree with Faith, I would want the best of my friends by my side on my big day, I don't care if they don't all look the same.
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My friend asked me to be a bridesmaid and I was really happy. Then her hideously awful maid of honor told everyone that I was too fat to be a bridesmaid.
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And did you tell them all how she had (insert the name of a communicable disease)? -
No, I should have!!!
No, I'm really embarrassed that I pulled out of the wedding party. I was so hurt and angry, that I let the maid of honor bully me into leaving. Of course now, I think the maid of honor did it with encouragement from the bride as a back handed way of molding her wedding party to fit the gowns she wanted. -
Well there is one thing to go and start ugly rumors about someone that you don't even have enough ovaries to state to their face..and asking someone to loose weight for your wedding. IMO...
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ST--you are NOT fat! I've seen your picture!
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Oh, thanks Melinda. That is actually one of photos of me when I had a personal trainer, nutritionist, therapist support team. I wish I still had all those guys helping me. They made a huge difference in my life.
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ST, to me, outward appearances are not the most important quality in a person. I hope that my friends who are truly overweight will help themselves, health-wise by losing weight--but that's an entirely different issue than demanding someone lose weight for how they will look as my bridesmaids.
I battle my weight today--although I have kept the weight off that I gained after treatment for close to 12 years now. I am one of those people who has to really watch it at this point. When I was younger, I never worried about my weight--but I have to, today, so I feel your pain.
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Oh hell no. There is a big difference between, "Honey, we're getting concerned about your health" and "Honey, I don't want chubby girls in my wedding party."
If someone did that, I would not be surprised if there was a secret pool on how long the marriage is going to last.-
Well, I don't see what the marriage has to do with asking that question.
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If they are fat, it will make the bride look better. It's why the group always has an ugly fat one.-
LMAO! True...although, lets be honest...when looking at bridal photos (as I'm sure you do every Sunday morning) and you see a gorgeous bride, and she's surrounded by beautiful women, yet one is obviously stuffed into her dress, looks uncomfortable and as if she can't breathe....you tend to notice.
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Yes, but she makes the others look better, thus she only gets a once over. Then I have the tough decision of which one is the hottest.
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I forgot to say how I would handle it. Problem solved, yes yes I am a genius.... I would go to modelmeyham find a photoshop wiz, then let everyone come as they are. Get one set untouched from the photographer and one set retoucehed by them (usually like .50 per photo). It eliminates tattoos (hehe though I would leave them), weight, crooked teeth etc. Viola!
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Genius, as always....
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I try, I try haha. It's a win win because you know your friends are gonna crop everyone else out and put their pretty picture up on myspace and get hit on by random people thus getting an ego boost hahaha and you get prtty pictures
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"lotusb
I'd probably hit the treadmill, but I have no emotional attachments to the issue of weight."
Actually - Lotus... Without trying to be persnickety or anything... I kinda think you DO have an emotional attachment to weight.
I think it's a big issue to you.
I mean --- bear with me - ok?
I'm a size 12 (ish)
I can fit in 10's if I wanna be uncomfy - or if the cut is right.
I can fit in tiny 14's... if the cut is right.
BUT - I used to be a size 22.
And I've been a size 3.
Now - I'm 5'6. 148 lbs... I'm not obese... But I don't fit tiny, skinny standards.
However, I have HUGE --- HUGE ---- HUGE Bones.
In certain clothing - I can look overweight pudgy... In other clothes I look very slim and flattering.
But - from your conversations, about weight... I feel as though if you were to be next to me, you would be a TWIGGY - and I would be the fat one in Abbott and Costello.
I think weight literally weighs in - in your mind - and that it is very important for you to be super skinny ---- at least to YOU and your family.
This, truly is interesting to me.
I've had friends and have friends who are on both sides of the spectrum - and those that are like me... middling.
If you are friends with someone - then your perfect wedding is to have them there.
If you are superficial and only want 'pretty' to look at - hire models.
Simple, really.
I would NEVER ask a friend to change for MY wedding.
If they chose to do so - I'd cheer them on from the sidelines...
But I would NOT want them to be ANYTHING but themselves.
And hopefully, they would NOT want ME to be ANYTHING but myself either.
People don't like each other for their weight... Do they?
I mean really... if you're wedding is to be about looks - HIRE models.
If you're wedding is to be about FRIENDS - then Bring on the friends - regardless of looks, race, weight, tats, disabilities, etc.
But about YOU - with the weight thing.
I hope that it's not an obsessive thing. To be obsessed with something - regardless of which side of the spectrum it is on - is not healthy - OK?
So please - don't make yourself sick to remain thin.
Don't starve yourself or binge eat - or exercise to death to fit into an imaginary size that usually doesn't exist after 25 years of age.
OK?-
but .. how do you really feel? Hhmm?
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I think if you really wanted "thin" and "tattoo-free" bridesmaids for your wedding - you should just be the shallow person you really are and only ask thin/tattoo-free friends to be your bridesmaids.
It's your right - your wedding! It's all about you anyway!
But - That's just plain sick to ask a friend - then say something like "only if you lose 20 pounds that is" .. -
I think its a given that they'll do it anyway, or at least try to, no one wants to be the "Fat bridesmaid"
I've asked one of my groomsmen to do the same, not that he's taken much action but at least now he can comfortably hire the same style of suit as the rest of us. -
I wouldn't ask my friends to change a thing.
Then again, the whole notion of having a group of my female friends dress up in hideous gowns and stand around waiting for me to prance down an aisle to marry Mr Anok never appealed to me.
Hence the whole pseudo elopement.
Weddings are WAY over rated. Take the $20K and save it for when the two of you hit a rough spot and need a cushion - that and the extra money, less frills/higher expectations will do far more to help you maintain a happy marriage then one, frilly, expensive day full of anxiety and nasty tasting cake. (And drunken relatives).-
There WILL come a time when references to "Mr. Anok" won't make me snicker...
Someday maybe. -
Poor guy....but it's better than calling him Stinky McStinkerton, isn't it?
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Anok--I could not agree more. Les and I had such a modest wedding and I would have never dreamed of asking people to dress up in ugly, stupid dresses that you only wear once. I didn't even wear a wedding gown--I wore a lovely white dress that I still wear from time to time today. We were married in the mountains of Montana, with only family and close friends attending. We did have a lovely dinner at a really nice restaurant afterward that we picked up the tab for--but it was only 20 people and we were happy to do that.
Now, we did spend more on the honeymoon but we traveled to places we wanted to go anyway (we spent our honeymoon in Italy, Greece, and Spain) . . . and I'll tell you--it was SO worth it! -
Yep! Our entire wedding included 12 people - we waited a month, and then took an awesome "honeymoon" to somewhere we wanted to go anyway.
OK it was somehwere I wanted to go anyway, and my new husband came along just for the you know what -
I've never understood the rationale behind wasting all that money on a one day party. The party's a great idea--but spending 50k on it is ridiculous. And I know a woman that just did that--we just went to her wedding. Her wedding cost almost 75,000 (we know because she kept telling us all night--so tacky!).
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- @Anok
I'm with you 100%.
@lotusb
I wouldn't ask my friends to change a thing.
Ditch the extravagant expensive wedding notion. Have a party and invite only the people you want to be there. -
Ditching can be easier said than done at times - especially when you don't get the deposit back from the venue and other hired items
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I know Melinda! FOr $75k you could plop down a sizable down payment on a house, have your future children's college fund well prepped, or any amount of stuff you need or want!
One of the biggest marital problems revolves around money - usually a lack thereof - so throwing it all on one day and a dress/tux you will never wear again is ludicrous! Save your money, save your marriage!
ooh I think that would make a nifty bumper sticker
TT - I agree 100% with you, too! -
That would be a great bumper sticker, Anok.
And what made the 75,000 idiots even stupider is that a good deal of this is on loan/credit. To rack up that kind of debt before you even cross the threshold? S.T.U.P.I.D. That's all. -
@Anok
- Right on!
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Ouch -
I've never been fond of conventional weddings. I wore combat boots and jeans to my first one. If I were to ever have another one, there wouldn't be any bridesmaids to offend. -
It depends.If they want to look good and feel in good shape then they can set an agreement to loose weight.personally, it's ok with me.
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