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Is Love the Way to A Happy Marriage
Posted by faithsju243 • 8/01/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: divorce, family, General, life, love, marriage, random, relationships, sex
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner no one wants to make a mistake but with a divorce rate at close to 50% obviously we are getting it wrong?
Should we consider marrying for love the wrong approach...should it based on something else?
I always hear love conquers all, is that true?
User Comments
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I believe that commitment is the way to a successful marriage. Are you willing to stick it out all the way? Through the hard times? Through sickness, poverty, etc.? It is easy to say yes when things go good. It is not 50/50. It is 100/100. Both people in accord to make it last, even when you get on each others nerves. Of course you will love your spouse and that should only grow with a healthy marriage. -
Well, money always works for me, kidding
I think people are too idealistic. You may love a person, but you also have to consider whether they are a responsible adult and someone you can get along with. I've seen dating couples who constantly argue who get married and are surprised when divorce quickly follows. If things are not just fantastic when you're dating, they certainly are not going to get any better when you marry. -
I don't want to dismiss love, but it's clearly not enough. You have to think about whether or not you can make a life with a person--and you have to be willing to stick it out whether or not you still feel "in love" or it's not a marriage at all. Basing a marriage on the assumption that you're always going to feel the way you do today is a recipe for failure.-
When I was younger I would have disagreed with you ... at this point I know that compatibility, ambition, and responsiblity must also be considered.
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Probably depends on what kind of love it is. I suspect a lot of that 50% is made up of people who got married because of an infatuation, or because the sex was good, rather than out of a more mature love based on real understanding of and commitment to each other. -
No, not wrong, it is a start, but I do think people have to be pragmatic and I agree with what calais said.
I had no idea where my life with my husband would lead,but I liked how he followed through on what he said, his commitment to his studies, his respectful attitude towards others(including not bad mouthing is x girlfriends) and towards me, and his values. In 30 years I have not been disappointed. -
I guess my biggies are can I share my thoughts with you w/o criticism, trust, do we have similar aspirations for the future and are we able to compromise to make the other happy. It should work if we have these things....right?
And of course is he a good person. -
respect sure does go a long way.. and understanding.. maybe these can be interpreted as love too.. but they go deeper.. -
when you love someone it means you accept everything about him/her and being open to each other is important also. -
Love is a decision, not just based on a feeling. -
Since there is no one size that fits all, there is no one answer to your question--experimentation and creative approaches bring natural ways to find partners. Some call it luck, some say marriages are made in heaven. May be all of the above, or none of the above that works, and works-well. -
I have been happily unmarried for 18 years now to the same man. I think the key to our success is communication and respect. You must be willing to listen to your partner and honour how they feel. You are not going to agree on how to approach every situation but if you have a true respect for each other a compromise can be made.-
@ginger are you two boycotting marriage? Are you superstitious thinking that if it's "official" something will fall apart?
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For what it's worth, I think that "love," in the current American sense of the word as a sort of crush-on-steroids, is more a byproduct of a happy marriage, than the cause. -
There is no more refreshing, envigorating feeling on the planet Earth than deep-down, through-to-the-core love. It's worth any hardship, any deprivation, any sacrifice to capture something so deeply satisfying and totally euphoric. -
Commitment and dedication are what makes a marriage work.
Love is what makes that commitment and dedication bearable for all those years.
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@anok the key word being bearable correct.....it's the love that makes you ok with always falling into the toilet at night b/c he left the seat up.
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Exactly LOL. Or when your spouse uses the living room floor as a hamper
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Love never fails. People fail love.
I agree with commitment. -
The thing is, first you have to know what love is and feels like before you can marry out of love. It is very easy to mistake lust for love, or the excitement of competition (over his or her attention) for love, but it's not. Ask yourself this question: Do I LIKE this person? Would I hang out with him/her even if I wasn't sleeping with him/her? If you say yes, you might actually love the person. A lot of times we don't really like the person, but the person that he/she might be if he/she got his/her shit together. You see where I'm going with this? Stop fooling yourself and making wishes. Look at things as they are, not as you wish them to be, and then make a decision. -
@faith we believe in daily choice. When I wake up in the morning we want to know that today we choose to be here and not because of some promise we made years ago. We consider it a daily commitment. We also believe that traditional marriage is inherently sexist and the marriage ceremony itself promotes patriarchal values therefore we both refuse to partake in it.
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you can have all the love you want but without things like empathy respect awareness and understanding it will not last long....and the great misconception is making love a single thing it is layer after layer of all of the above year after year -
Happy marriage?
wow, what do i know about marriage, i'm not married yet but, my parents told me responsibility can make marriage happy, not love... -
100 yrs ago marriages has much larger success rate. in the middle east where arranged marriages still happen - it's almost a 100% success rate, and a lot of those couples don't know each other going in.
i think the real success is not considering divorce and option and working to MAKE IT WORK no matter what. even when it's not fun, when you're not attracted and when you really want out. it's almost a foreign idea to americans/europeans and i'm definitely not trying to lecture. i just studied arranged marriage relationships in a cultural class and found it to be incredible how successful most of those relationships are (and how over time, a lot of them do fall in love w/each other!)
it's all in the mindset, i think... -
"I always hear love conquers all, is that true?"
No. Most of the time love beats you up before sending you back to your corner. Seriously, I'm beginning to think that love is a myth -- nothing more than a fairy tale. -
@BlondeConfessions
100 yrs ago marriages has much larger success rate. in the middle east where arranged marriages still happen - it's almost a 100% success rate, and a lot of those couples don't know each other going in.
As for the arranged marriages in the middle east it is because in most cases women don't have the right to obtain a divorce despite violence or abuse bu their husbands. Men also get the privilege of marrying multiple women. What happens there is not a positive situation just because they are not getting divorced at the same rate as in the west.
Also in the west now that women have more autonomy and are working out of the house, yes the divorce rate is going to be higher...we no longer have to put up with shit if we don't want to. Marriage as an institution is inherently patriarchal and flawed. It is has very little real benefits for women and we are beginning to see the truth in that. -
certainly it depends on your views on marriage and who you've talked to. for me, i have friends (in the middle east) who had arranged marriages and although it was no picnic at the beginning - they're genuinely happy.
you are right tho, it is harder to get divorces in many countries. i just think the happiness factor depends on the person, for me i'm very excited to be getting married - but of course it's not for everyone -
Unfortunately one happy marriage doesn't guarantee that the rest of the Middle East women are happy. In a way they probably are, they live the life they are supposed to, and their status in the society is safe, their expectancies of life are probably met, making them happy in that sense. Would most western women trade places? Hardly.
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The best first step to getting married is to get a lawyer to help you understand and protect your rights. Love ebbs, flows, and ultimately dies. Property endures, and claims to property give rise to some of the worst social disease many of us experience, if they are handled without professional support, tremendous maturity, and a dose of luck.
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Love is an awesome first step to a successful marriage! It's the foundation for all of the work that marriage requires.-
I like this answer you're admitting that love is necessary but that love doesn't solve all problems.
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Loving and being 'in love' are very different things. Love is a choice, 'in love' is a hormonal fight-or-flight response, believe it or not.
It takes a lot of understanding, empathy and selflessness to make a marriage really work. Or, you can be a stubborn type like me and make it last regardless. -
What is love? Dr. Alban still hasn't given me the answer yet... -
Love is not enough. It also takes communication, compromise, commitment, and respect.-
how about MONEY? MOOLAH?
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People mistake what love is. People become abusive and say they do it because they love the person, but at the heart of loving is respect and honesty. I waited nearly two years before I married my husband after I went through a heart-breaking divorce that I didn't want to repeat anytime soon.-
They say there is no such thing as LOVE... LOVE is not an Object but a process...ie. you dont stop loving a person .. but u choose not to put in effort thus killing the love... it's confusing ... im confused... hahaha
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GFG... I think you have an awesome point and I totally understand. I think it's VERY true. Thanks for pointing that out.
You may always love someone in your heart, whether the object of your affection chooses to believe so or not. But you can at the same time decide to stop 'feeding' it as someone mentioned below. Love may not always be the best thing for us at the time, the kind of love offered to us... so one might choose to let it go. Either intentionally or unintentionally.
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sometimes, it's sex. -
I wrote an article on it recently, lol.
Love is not the only thing which does good marriage, and my opinion is that in contrary, sometimes it can mislead two people to think they can live together forever and the disappointment is here. -
This is a really good question. I think the main problem is that people confuse love with infatuation. It is easy to think you love someone when it is not a deep connected level of love. A solid marriage needs a lot of things - you can read about more what I think in this article called The 5 C's of a Happy Relationship.
www.associatedcontent.com/article/670311/the_5_cs_of_happy_relationships.ht...
Great discussion -
Understanding what LOVE isn't is the key to a good marriage. Being unswayed by Hollywood and conditioning we receive from society will help no end. At the end of the day, having lived a bit..seen some stuff and made some mistakes is probably the best grounding for making your part of a marriage work. -
love is needed ! or you can develop it out in a relationship ! -
love and understanding is the basic building blocks of building a good married relationship. from both side -
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If love conquers all then why is there so many "love" crimes, crimes of passion and people in jail for murdering their now "ex's"
Love does not conquer all, it is the end to all for some! -
That's a version of love called 'Selfish'. :-) Not anything anyone should aspire to!
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Is Love the Way to A Happy Marriage?
NO... -
I think love is very important but obviously it needs more, commitment, loyalty, trust and understanding. I think that love is the glue that binds it all together, if you love someone you are more likely to be forgiving, more inclined to to want to be loyal, trusting and trustworthy. With True Love your love is unconditional.. -
Lust is often mistaken as love.
But love is empathy.
And empathy is the key to a successful marriage. -
When I counsel people who are considering marriage I tell them this about love:
Love is not something you fall into to, it is something you grow into. It is an action word so it is something you do towards someone else. For a man love is unnatural and for a woman respect is unnatural so in a marriage the two are asked to do what is unnatural. Just watch two women go into a restroom and instantly there is conversation which is the basic foundation of love for a woman. Watch two guys and there is instant respect for each others space which for a guy is the foundation for building a relationship. Love is what you do good for another person.-
What on earth do you mean by respect being unnatural to a woman? :o
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Oh and I definitely don't feel love towards my fellow women at a restroom. And I have never felt loved by them... How utterly ridiculous.
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1) Basically all human beings are given 2 things in life which are love desire and sex desire. Its normal.
2) Love and sex are 2 different things but they can"t be seperated and often people think that both are the same although they mIght not admit it.
3) But the fact is that love lasts forever and is a gift from god, while sex is just hormonal changes which are one of humans important needs for own satisfactions and also for the continuation of human species but it will come to an end when the exact time comes( getting old or due to some health problems)
4) THE QUESTIONS IS THAT " DIVORCE RATE CLOSE TO 50 %". WHY THIS HAPPEN?
5) Well, i can give you 3 reasons:
a) In today's world and lifestyle, people always think that they love their partner, but actuallyy their sexx desire for them exceeds the love they have for them or in other words its lust not love. People usually get married without realising that they are actually not reallyy sure how much love they have for their partners. When this happen, a few moments after marriage will be like as though the married couples are going to be living happily ever after, but just wait for a few years, or maybe only a few months, they just lost interest towards their partner and problems like having affairs outside and so on happen,when finally they end up with divorce. So, only decide to get married if you are 100% in love with your partner, if u are unsure even a little, please just forget about your desire.
b) Its because of other factors in marriage such as financial, other family members, work stress and so on which actually affects the relationship and its often that we only realize it when everything gets too late.
C) its faithed....sometimes all the things we want just go upside down, maybe a test for us.
SO JUST REMEMBER, LOVE CONQUERS A LARGE PART IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT IT DOES NOT CONQUER EVERYTHING. -
Perhaps you answered your own question in your question-- happiness is the way to a happy marriage. Not happiness the "ooh I just got engaged" or "everything is perfect", but happiness the personal habit. -
I believe commitment is the way to happy marriage. Love can wear off after a while because it depends on our commitment to our significant other. If we aren't as committed, then we won't try to initiate romance or communication--which are integral for love. So if we don't "feed" love with commitment, love can sleep deeply.
Thats why, commitment is the key to happy marriage. -
To me, Loving someone is more of an art. Everyone can do it, but not everyone is skilled at it or built for it.
You can have all the love in your heart for one person but if you don't have all the other coping and social skills that go along with a well rounded person, it won't get you very far. So to me, it's not the theory of marrying for love that's as important as being together long enough to in the first place to learn the skill of loving someone - before marrying them.
I think so many people are 'falling in love' still when they marry, and haven't really gotten to that place where they have confidence and trust in either where they stand or what they want. Then sometimes in the falling, they hit the ground hard when reality sets in that the things they want/need can't be supplied in this relationship.
So I guess, what ever your reason for marrying, love or something else... it needs time to become firm. You can't promise 'through thick and thin' if you haven't seen how they are 'through thick and thin'. That's just kind of ignorant to do.
No, Love can not CURE all. We are all different and thus all love and need to be loved differently. The blessed ones are those who match up to the other persons level/version of love. But I don't think that's to be EXPECTED as naturally occurring. So it takes a lot more work and time than that. -
How wonderful that you all have the OPTION of marriage!
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Love is part of it, but not the only key to a successful marriage. The partners must have mutual long term goals or at least goals that are not in conflict.
My marriage to the man I thought was the love of my life would have ended in divorce because we were in different places and headed in opposite directions. We loved each other, but a marriage never would have worked for the long term.
Short answer...love is not enough. -
Love is the reason people should get married... but (there goes that BUT), realize, love alone can not and will sustain a marriage. Other ingredients have to be patience, humility, kindness, understanding, selflessness, long suffering... and I could go on, and on, and on, and on. Anything you think you'd need, throw it in the mix too.
We watch way too many movies. The love and/or marriage played out on the big screen in not love at all. It's a story line, entertainment and should not be confused. Yet, it is.
Story book love will never be found, because it doesn't exist. Just like so many things that are fiction, we are running ourselves crazy chasing a vapor!-
If I can play devils' advocate, isn't part of falling in love some of that storybook when I'm with you I hear music stuff. If not wouldn't it just be a lasting friendship coupled with a little hanky panky?
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I think love is the most important starting point but you've got to build on that if you want to be able to sustain a happy marriage. Respecting your partner's opinion, choices and beliefs, supporting them in all their endeavours, understanding, communication and compromise are all essential ingredients on top of love. -
My husband and I were best friends for a very long time before we became intimate. Ours was not a relationship based on being swept off our feet and becoming deeply entangled in lustful infatuation that some refer to as romantic love. And, when we decided to become intimate, we lived together for a year and a half before we committed to marriage.
As we were both elder children in very large families with many siblings, adopted children, foster children and cousins to raise, and as we had done a lot of that raising of the younger children, and as we would be continuing to do that and to help them financially as well, we shared the mutual desire not to become parents.
We respected and trusted one another. We shared the same ethical and moral base. Our attraction, affection and shared goals and dreams proved to be the fertile soil in which our love grew.
None of our friends, who married at the time that we did, had a relationship like ours. Most proved to be unable to love the one they were with over the long term. They were infatuated and into love and lust, married and had kids, and then found they were unable to remain in relationship, so they and moved on to form new relationships. Only 3 other couples that we know from that time are still together today.
In case anyone is interested I blogged about this here:
Love the one you’re with thistimethisspace.com/2009/02/10/love-the-one-youre-with/-
Hey TT, I left a comment on your blog. Awesome post it left me with some jewels. I am at a crosswords right now in terms of relationships, romantic love, lust etc. I am hijacking your post (in my head) so I can keep referring to it as I putter through this time in my life.
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When we love someone, we accept everything about him/her but after marriage, we can realize that we can't only live with love. -
the key to our success in our 15 years so far - humor and respect. if you don't take yourself too seriously and you respect your partner, you're in good shape. that, and we ignore each other...-
@Peachmom, LOL I have the ignoring and not taking myself too seriously down!
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Marriage isn't easy all the time and love has to be the foundation because without it everything else will fail. -
No. TV is the answer.
Without love u can live. Without TV is difficult. -
Yes. -
I think commitment is key. In this day and age, where you can get a divorce relatively quickly and painlessly, people hear that whole "for better or for worse" with a little asterisk after it. I think love is a good foundation, respect is good, some common goals and interests helps. Also, a realization that love isn't like in the movies would also be helpful
Ultimately it has to be about two people who WANT to make it work. If you have that, you can go through an awful lot together and stay married. But if one or the other isn't fully committed, it's doomed to failure. -
For some - its Life.
For some - its Death. -
It's the main ingredient to the soup.
Provided both of you have it, will make ends meet, and will stick with each other passed the "bitter or for worse" crap then you'll make it to the end.
I'm sure 60% of the world's most celebrated, powerful and rich personas will agree. Behind every successful man is his woman. -
Love is a good way..but don't know about marriage yet... -
marriage is like lottery...
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Yes, Love is one of the many ways for a successful marriage I think. -
a lot more...
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understanding and respect for each other .. I think -
The problem is that people don't know what real love is. Also, love doesn't equate to marriage which is why love isn't the only requirement for a good marriage. There's the importance of doing "it", there's also the loyalty and character of a person that must lead to the way of a happy marriage. Of course, I never been married before so don't take my word for it. -
You can love someone yet it can still turn out to be a disaster. I think that being really GOOD friends makes a huge difference. You can "love" someone even after the "like" goes away. Without "like", the relationship is surely doomed. -
Try removing "conditions" -
I think love is the most important foundation of a marraige. Without love you may not be willing to work through the hard times. I know far too many people who have decided to divorce simply because the love was gone and neither partner had any reason to stay and try to work towards improving the relationship & resolving problems.
However, I don't think that love alone is enough. For a true partnership to be successful there needs to be respect, trust, compromise and an understanding that marriage is like a swinging pendulum. Sometimes one partner gives much more than the other or bears more of the burden but eventually (if it's a good marriage) everything will balance out.
In my opinion another important part of any marriage is laughter. Laughing is healthy, promotes good feelings & health and I think any healthy, happy marriage is filled with laughter! -
The cure for love is marriage. :-) -
It doesn't hurt, but is not the be-all and end-all. -
To marry someone because you love him/her and he/she loves you is not a wrong approach to marriage. Love between the two is like a mustard seed sown that needs nurturing by both. As the seed sprouts to life- leaves grow in it. Great care to nourish that seed called love is continuous in order for that growing love-seed to yield better leaves, necessary to grow flowers, then eventually good fruits.
Love, therefore, is basic in a successful marriage, but it needs nourishment, nurturing, in order for it to stand the test. "Where love is, God is there", is maybe a good motto for those who want their marriage work well. -
Does love conquor all? Only in the realms of poets and fairy tales. The real world introduces a whole raft of variables that have to be taken into account.
For example, I love my girlfriend (anyone following some of the other threads will know this). But if she was to suddenly (for example) have an affair, we would not remain together, even if I was to continue to love her - and she me.
Why? Because:
1) I have too much respect for myself to be treated like that, and
2) I believe that I could find love again, should the need arise. -
As long as you consider yourself happily married, you're happily married, no matter what other conditions exist.
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