Discussions
It just goes to show...
Posted by Anok • 7/30/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: Dating, eharmony, marriage
So for years - every time I saw one of those Eharmony commercials I would always turn to my husband and say "I wonder if they would match us?" For years and years really. I always wondered - how accurate is it? So last night one o fthe commercials came on, and my husband and I looked at each other and just said "Let's do it!" 
So we tested out the website, I was at first just curious if it would match us up (it didn't) but now I'm fascinated by the psychology behind it.
First of all, you wind up going through a great deal of questionaires, a lot of general questions like the many online quizzes you take, with a bonus feature of adding how important certain things are to you. But here's my deal - the questions are limited - and I'm not sure how they're using them to match people because not only was I not matched to my husband, but the matches they did send me were way, way off. The same was true for my husband. (We did answer everything honestly). Now...my husband and I have been happily married for 5 years, and together in some form or fashion for 16 years. Obviously our relationship is rock strong. We couldn't be more perfect for each other
But some of the matches they sent me, I was wretching, I'm like what part of my profile did you not understand?! They're all "I'm romantic, captain cuddles, like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain" when I made sure to let the service know that I loathe romance and all that crap I hate it
Then,though you get to send a possible match a new set of questions - to get to know them better (it's all controlled communication which is a nice safety feature). But the answers are pre-set and only in the narrowest notion of what people might want, based apparently on idealistic sitcoms and romantic comedies. Blech!
WHy would they do that? Should the answers be in free form so the person can make sure to answer truthfully?
Anyway, the moral of the story is that we tested this site,and it just goes to show that computer programs are no substitute for human instinct 
User Comments
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I have taken this quiz! I thought it would never end. The men that were suggested for me seemed quite random actually.-
Didn't it,though? There were a couple who had some traits in common, but mainly they were not at all what I would be interested in. I got a lot of conservative Christians and people with the typeof employment that seriously disagrees with my political and personal beliefs.
I'm like, hellooooo I'm a practicing WITCH, Anarchist and Pagan who hates romance! Why would you set me up with a conservative christian exec who likes long walks on the beach?!:D -
You are? This entire time, I thought you were a Republican Christian conservative who liked long walks on the beach and candlelit dinners.
Boy, is my face red. -
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lol ...
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I did meet Les on the Internet! But we would have fallen in love if we'd met anywhere.
The great thing about using match services is that it screens out a lot of people. When I finished grad school, I was ready to (finally) get together with someone and begin a new relationship. I don't go to bars (I don't want to go to bars), I don't belong to a church--and I also am getting older so I felt a match service would save me some time and effort, which it did.
Before I met Les, I had a BLAST dating all kinds of guys--some that I became friends with and have remained friends with! So, I agree that a computer cannot 100% do all the work, it can open doors!-
Oh I think that the idea is solid - you can't meet people to date if you have no access to people. I just think that this particular service screens out far too many people - by way of preconceived notions of what people are supposed to be like. There are only a few areas where you can actually speak for yourself, everything else is multiple guess with very limited answers!
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Yeah--I agree. But it did screen out some important stuff like are you a bible banger, are you a wingnut, etc.
We used People 2 People--and what I really liked about that is that you posted a profile--and you could write a lot about yourself. When Les sent me his profile, I was so initially impressed with what an excellent writer he is. -
Oh I think the preference settings area good tool - and yes it would be much better if you could write in your answers!
I'm still just laughing that it didn't match my husband and I. Based on preference settings, location, and basic interests alone it should have popped up as a match, but it didn't -
Yeah--I agree, it can make mistakes too. I was set up on dates with a couple of real doozies! But then, you have to kiss a few toads to find your prince! And I did.
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Me too
It's funny the Mr and I were talking last night, and I had no idea that all of our friends and co workers had been waiting for us to finally get together for like...10 years. We had no idea, and when we did eventually begin an intimate relationship, we kept it very discreet, and actually expected some dismay or shock from everyone upon "coming out". Instead we got a lot of "Ugh... finally!"
We were like, huh? We didn't even know we liked each other, how did you know?! -
That's so great about you and Mr. Anok. And I really feel the strongest relationships are based on friendship first.
When Les and I first started corresponding, he was in MA and I was in CA--and we kept missing each other for like almost 6 months. So, during that time, we spoke by phone daily, emailed--and really got to know each other well. By the time we finally met, we were almost in love--but we had created a strong basis of friendship. That's ao important. -
Melinda, I met my Hubby, Mr. Tiger, on Craigslist. He's an engineer and typically shy about meeting women but comfortable with the computer...and I was an experienced Silicon Valleyite, comfortable with both computers and shy engineers.
Like you, we had an extended period of correspondence and speaking on the phone before we met face to face. We already knew quite a bit about each other and were friends first.
We dated for 5 months and then he had to go back to South Africa. The most of the rest of our courtship was conducted via IM. We flew back and forth a couple of times, but the internet was both how we met and how we got to know each other. We've been married 5.5 years and know each other so well that we can't even find anything to argue about!
The difference, however, was that we did it "freeform," kinda like Anok is suggesting, and I made my own matches. Out of about 120 respondents to my ad, I brutally winnowed all but 3 and soon narrowed it down to Mr. Tiger. It would have been easier to use a service, I suppose, but how many quality responses do you think I would have gotten to "fat, feminist, intellectually-inclined 50+ year old widow seeks..." ? -
SV that's too funny
I think it's awesome that you and your hubby developed such a strong relationship. I think the written word, be it e mail or snail mail is a great way to get to know people, because it removes the physical barriers and temptations (and physical chemical responses) tat otherwise cloud solid judgment. Of course, for me, personality is far more important than looks, so speaking online can help develop a solid appreciation for the person, and not run the risk of an instantaneous turnoff base donly on looks. -
@SV--well, that's kind of along the lines of what People 2 People was. I don't even think it is around. I did fill out a questionnaire (if I remember correctly) and the way it worked was that to contact someone, you had to pay $$. But you didn't have to pay any $$ to BE contacted. Since I was just out of grad school and broke, I let all the men contact me
So, at that point, it was all through getting profiles with people who wanted to meet me. I got about 30 guys a day (in the Bay Area) who wanted to meet me--and from them, I read their profiles and determined who I would meet. After that, it was all correspondence.
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About a year ago I was with my mom and one of those eharmony commercials came up, so since she's single we decided to check it out...So my mom fills out this huge questionnaire and the matches she's gotten are not compatible at all! My mom thought the whole communication process was to rigid and structured. She's had contact with a few guys but they've turned out to be weirdos. Plus we've discovered that their system matches you up with people who's membership has expired. I dont think its impossible to find love on eharmony but their matching process is not very helpful-
I had the same feeling about the questions and communication bit.
But people with expired memberships?! that's bad! -
My mom's membership has already expired and they keep sending her matches, and some of these guys send her questions, but obviously she cant answer without paying. Once in a while they have this free communication weekends, where shes allowed back in. So naturally she finds some of these guys have closed communication with her because she never responded. Oh I forgot to mentioned she also encounterd scammers, and apparently its a group from nigeria that ask people for money.
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Oh man, the Nigerian money scammers even hit the dating sites? Holy cow
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Oh, I tried that thing once! The whole process was so cutesy-cheesy-sleezy, and it was so far the exact opposite of how I deal with people, I bailed like a first-classer on the top deck of the Titanic.-
HahahahaROFLMAO WHat a mental picture
After reading a few profiles I swear I vomited in my mouth a little. -
That's exactly what happened to me. I'd rather be single than deal with weeding through the Borats and Chip McLoungelizards I was seeing there.
It was like A Night At the Roxbury but with even less funny. -
Hahahahahahahaha OMG you've made my day
Although part of me wants to meet and terrify these poor unsuspecting men who've had the misfortune of matching me -
Well, if you came busting in as a ninja, I'd like to see that myself.
From a distance.
A nice safe distance. -
I'm pretty sure we have bars with bullet proof glass for just such occasions....
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I met my love (epi) here on BC. We may have very different life styles and live in different countries. And she may not feel the same way (yet), but it works. Kind of.-
Well, stalking is a sort of relationship....
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Its not stalking. I have already told her.
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It never made sense to me I totally thought the site linked people based on like interests etc but I tend to think it's more about geography.-
Well supposedly it's both, but even though my geographical preference is set to 30 miles from my location, I'm still getting matches from across the country
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You said it Anok, it is supposedly based on geography and preferences. I got everything I didn't ask for from eharmony. I said specifically that I would not like a guy that had been in the army (nothing against their decision but I usually don't agree with that mentality) or that were exercise freaks or extremely religious. Can you guess what I got? a bunch of veterans who exercise 3+ hours daily, that go to church every other day and that live on the other side of the country.
After a month or so of not getting a single one I would be interested in communicating with I canceled my account. So much work going to waste, that questionnaire takes forever!-
Ha! Aint that the truth. Maybe they're working on the myth tat opposites attract?
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My thought exactly! jajajajaja
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Never did it. The commercials make me laugh far too much. Though, I hear it's really lucrative to get into. There's another I think it's called plenty of fish? that has people screening and not computers.-
I'll bet it's lucrative...matchmaking has always been a decent career
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Ive used plenty of fish to get laid.
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I'm not sure I want to know....
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@dbowles You need to clean yourself that's just nasty.
@Anok The guy for Plenty of Fish lost his job got a free website now he's a millionaire. -
Damn. I'm a good judge of character most of the time, maybe I should start a dating site - one for weirdos like me
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I actually considered doing that myself.
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Plenty of fish is even worse, crowded with Nigerian scammers. I was in contanct with a guy there that told me he "loved me" after 2 emails and was asking me for money the next day because he was stranded in the middle of no-where and had to go to a job interview. The whole thing was hilarious. I made him think I believed him and was getting him a number of a friend that lived where he supposedly was but, of course, he didn't want to bother my friend. He preferred that I would send him a check of make a bank transference. Yeah, right, I was born yesterday!
Amongst the online-dating people that have tried a few sites we have come to know plenty-of-fish as plenty-of-douches, jajajajaja.
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Women love fish. So i use them to get laid.
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I don't like fish.
But just so we're clear, you don't...use the fish, do you? -
I'm allergic to fish. I'm not asking.
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You ever wonder where the expression fish tacos came from?
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You ever wonder where the expression fish tacos came from?
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You ever wonder where the expression fish tacos came from?
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DB is announcing his gifts of carnal knowledge, I believe!
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Ewww. I detest fish. I don't care how you use them, just keep their stinky carcasses away from me!
(But don't you DARE touch my shrimp!!) -
Must be desperate he's expressed himself three times.
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damn phone lol. I hate fish too actually.
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I'm not the only "crazy" according to CA, that doesn't like fish, woohoo!
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CA is a hippie so it doesnt matter what he thinks.
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hey! -
*Steps away from discussion carefully...*
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Meh....
I met my wife online...started out as friends, met her IRL and fell in love...one year later we married....been married 4 years.
It was on a simple old fashioned chat room not one of this love match things...my sister met a few people on match.com and every one was an idiot.
dont look for it and it will happen...search for it and you get DB's fish!
P.S HELLO ANOK!!!
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Well, I knew the site was a load of horsewash when I saw the commercials on tv.
Here's an excerpt from one Eharmony commercial: "I'm kind of an all American boy. I like hamburgers."
WTF. Is that supposed to match you up with your potential mate? The fact that you like hamburgers? Let's disregard the fact that the guy in the ad is wearing an elf hat. "I like hamburgers too, we should be married elf boy." Horsewash!-
Any man who publicly refers to himself as a "boy" should still be home with his mama, not trolling for tarts on the internet.
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Jajajajaja well said SV, mama's boys are the worst!
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LOLLOL That made me laugh
Elfboy *snicker*
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eHarmony is now in Britain. They say that 2% of marriages in America are due to their services. Curious that they don't say how many of them end up divorced.
Nein, danke.-
I heard some weird stuff about them--that if you weren't a Christian, they don't match you. They actually tell you--we can't help you. I don't know if that is true or not--but it is what I heard.
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Alcohol probably has more responsibility in the marriage numbers than Eharmony
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Especially in combination with unprotected sex
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