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It's not just me, is it?
Posted by Epicharis • 7/14/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: overreacting?
So, it's my birthday soon, and I'm not all that interested in birthdays but my family like to make a point of it so I have to as well. As my family have no real interest in my personality, and so are incapable of choosing a gift for me without me telling them what I want (they've given me so many candles that I had to dedicate a drawer in my dresser to them), they always ask me to give them a list of thing that I want or need. I don't really want anything, usually, so I search the internet for films or music that I'd like and then provide them with a list. They complain about the fact that I don't like 'normal' films or music, get me one of the items on the list, some chocolate I can't eat, and some novelty tat that I would never want. I am very grateful, remind them that I'm a vegan, and then we can forget the whole thing again until Christmas.
By the way, when I say 'family' I don't mean distant cousins, I mean my mother, 20 year old sister, and step-mother.
So this year I have dutifully sent along a list of CDs that I want, and in order to save them a wasted trip to HMV I said that they probably wouldn't be able to find them in normal CD shops as I discovered yesterday that everything that wasn't Pop&Rock, HipHop&R&B, or Metal has been moved to a miniature section called 'Speciality Music' (Everything from Dolly Parton to Nina Simone).
My mother emails me back saying "Where can I find them then?"
I say, "You'll probably have to order them online"
and she emails me back saying "I know that, can you check it out for me and tell me what website and send me links? Thanks"
Now...is it just me, or is that a bit out of order? If I'd asked for a rare book or something and she didn't know where to start that would be one thing, but these are CDs that are sold on Amazon! Considering the fact that this is supposed to be a birthday present for me, am I wrong to be annoyed?
User Comments
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there is an easier solution, as they want to gift you what you want, they can send you the money and let you buy, of course its my idea. i would have done that. or else, they can skip asking you and gift whatever they want.
you can hint them where to look to avoid irritation.
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So you think I am overreacting a bit? I just thought that as it's supposed to be about treating me (isn't it?) that expecting me to not only select my gifts but also go out and look for them myself (albeit online) was a bit rude...
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why not some dress or jewelery? u dont like them either? or probably some flowers.
and it a little difficult for me to accept that ur mom and step mother live together. whers ur dad then? may be I should stay out of this. Sorry.-
I never said they lived together, and really it's none of your business and isn't relevant.
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I wish this were less common, but it sounds very familiar. My dad was using the "I don't know what you're into these days" thing until he realized I have a collecting website DEDICATED to it, so that excuse was gone.
Heh, maybe this year you should buy yourself the CDs, wrap them nicely, and send them to your mother along with the reimbursement costs for the CDs and the shipping. -
I actually did something like that at Christmas! I bought some things that I wanted, took them to her house when I went to visit and gave them to her to wrap up for me! I didn't get my money back though...
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Oy! (snickers and shakes head)
I've tried actually to convince my dad not to give me anything for holidays, but he said that didn't seem right. Mostly I get things out of the $0.50 bin at this junk shop he goes to. (He has to make sure to tell me what he paid for it. )
Family is fun. -
Families....who'd have 'em?
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I can understand the annoyance as my tastes tend toward the obscure and/or irrelevant as far as most people are concerned.
THEM: "Why can't you like more standard, easier to find stuff?"
ME: "Oh gee, I dunno, 'cos I'm only trying to make your life more complicated than it needs to be by having to hunt it down for birthday and Christmas presents."
Well, I've just learned to accept that that's the way folks can be about such things, and that no amount of me stamping my foot is going to change it. I'm just grateful if folks remember my birthday at all, 'cos it means that I figure in there somewhere in their little worlds. I'd rather get given stuff that I'd never want in a pink fit than be completely forgotten about. Actually, I'd sooner not have any presents at all and just have the gift of their company on my birthday... but you know what I mean I'm sure.-
yeah, I do.
But while I'm grateful that they want to get me something, it just feels like they actually don't want to get me anything and it's just a chore for them. They get me a gift because they're supposed to, and it doesn't really feel like a gift, it feels like I'm being paid off... -
Yeah, it's not a nice feeling, is it? I really honestly don't know how to advise you on this one. I've learned to just somehow roll with it, which is actually easier said than done. I figure I'll just let them do what they're going to do, even if it seems like they're just buying something for me to ease their consciences. At the end of the day I don't know what their motives are, so I just take it at face value and then move on after all's said and done.
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yeah, that's what I usually do, it's just that this is the first time I've been asked to look for my own gift and I wanted to know if I was being a spoilt brat in thinking that was a bit wrong...
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No, I don't think you're being a spoilt brat about it at all. I would like to think that someone would actually take the time to research where and how they could get something on my list... without making me do the leg work. I may as well just buy it with my own money, wrap it myself, develop a bad memory, and then unwrap it. Oh boy, what a surprise!
Naw, perhaps you're just better off just refusing to provide a list and taking up Rory's suggestion below. It's a lot less heartache for you in the long run, methinks. -
No, I don't think you're being spoiled. I think you see the gifting as a symbol of a disconnect in your relationship with them. Gifting tends to make those things more obvious.
It's unfortunate, but sometimes you almost have to give up on that ideallized "why can't it be different? Why can't they try to understand me, I'm worth the trouble?" concept.
It's true-- you're worth the trouble. But either their priorities are different and don't see what their actions symbollize, or they don't understand things that are outside themselves...
They may not be capable of it.
It's sad to have to let go of those hopes and expectations, but it ends up being easier on you in the long run.
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Give them exactly the list of things that you want including the shop where they can get it. But you should be grateful for getting a present because it comes from their heart. You have to accept whatever it is.-
Does it really come from the heart if I've had to do everything but pay for it and wrap it up?
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I'd just ask for gift cards to the stores that you love. It allows you to pick out what you want.
Cathy and I got a gift card to a home store (sheets, cooking stuff, lamps, etc.). We ended up using the card (plus some of our cash) to get an area rug. Saved us tons of money and we got what we wanted ... no way others would have gotten us that!!
When we showed off the rug, everyone was thrilled with our purchase, so it made us happy and the others happy.
Just a thought!??
(And don't think they're impersonal - YOU get to decide the gift, so there are no dramas.)-
Actually, that's an excellent suggestion.
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Tried it...apparently they are rubbish presents, so I have to actually ask for stuff.
I did say that I didn't want anything and could we just go to a sushi restaurant I like? Apparently not... -
Crud, you've already thought of it and tried it then. That sucks.
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Enh, family sometimes isn't worth the hassle. If they continue to ignore your requests, then don't play their game - don't accept their presents. Ask them to return them and save their money.
Ya it might anger and embarrass them, but don't accept that. Tell them you love them, but tell them they are respecting your wishes ... let alone understanding who you actually are.
Pain now for gain later.
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I think I'm too nice. I grin and bare it. Then a year or two down the road when my mom forgets she bought it, I donate it. -
I find it difficult to buy presents for my kids and I am very interested in their personalities, but hey it is the thought that counts, right. You mum is trying, and a list of gift ideas is a very good idea.
I usually do one for my husband and kids. I have little pics of what I like (an image of the perfume bottle, the book, the cd, craft store gift card, whatever) and give the name of it, where to buy (which shops or online). That way they don't get stressed, and I get the surprise of seeing which gifts off the list they choose. Sometimes my gift list gives them ideas of other gifts I might like. -
I am not a big fan of birthdays at all, I don't mind other peoples just not my own.
Although I do like presents
My mum tried for years with the money isn't a present thing, but I wore her down eventually, she still gets me daft little presents too. -
My mother-in-law goes out and buys the paper that includes a ciruclar for each of the billion post-Thanksgiving sales, then after dinner we must sit and wade through them all, circling and initialling the items that we would like, thus providing the store and price in graphic form. That goes for the kids as well as for hubby and me.
While it definitely cuts down on the surprise factor for the holidays, it has also resulted in useful household items that I would not have otherwise purchased for myself. I don't like to shop for people that way and would far rather surprise someone, but it really hurts her feelings if we don't participate. She seems to view it as stress relief for the holiday, so that we'll get something we like and she can enjoy things without worrying that we won't like our presents. Then again, she never tells us what she wants. -
My mother does the same. I give a list of things I need or like and if I don't buy them for myself for her, I end up with a Buffalo Bill towel and washcloth set.Fun gift? not at all for two reasons 1. I specifically followed her request and made the list, 2. I'm a Lions fan.
I don't think you're being selfish, petty, rude, or childish.... I fully understand your confusion and hurt. It's almost like you start to feel guilty for having a special day because it becomes such ahassle and they make you feel badly.
I finally found a solution to my problem, they reup a magazine subscription for me every year. and if you send me your address I have this great Buffalo Bill towel set I was thinking of sending your for your birthday..... -
Well you can look at it this way at least this time you know you'll get something you actually like....can't blame you for being a touch agitated though
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I think you have the right to be a little ticked off.. You did your part by expressing what gifts you would like to receive on your birthday .. Going out or in for that matter .. and searching for them yourself really puts a damper on the gift giving tradition ..
I mean really .. what do you say when you open these up ...?? "Oh MY Gooood!!! Where did you find these!!!!!! "
rather silly if ya ask me ..
Happy Birthday
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I don't know--my mother is SO completely computer illiterate (even though I taught her how to use the computer over 15 years ago). It drives me crazy when she comes up with silly questions like the one your asked--but I forgive her because she is so lame when it comes to technology. She doesn't really even understand how to find URL's. I was floored during my last visit when she didn't even know how to save a document! And she still has trouble with her email--you wouldn't believe how many panic calls I get where I have to walk her through the simplest of things.
I guess I have lowered my expectations enough so that it doesn't annoy me anymore!
And Happy Birthday! -
Thanks guys, but it's not my birthday yet!
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Good gad- your name finally changed...
To something only slightly more pronouncable. -
I was going to change it to Bhrtzxhyklrfyt but I thought you guys would complain...
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It shall always be bob to me
Or pissonyou or whatever that other one was. -
Even in real life people have abbreviated my name to 'Bob' because they can't be bothered with all the letters...I think I should change it by deed poll...
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Yay for bob Its cute
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Bob. Makes me think of the BlackAdder character.
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You can only call me 'Bob' if you pronounce it 'mmmmmbob' like Blackadder...
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Given.
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I wouldn't dream of subjecting my mother to online shopping; some people simply don't have the knack.
Make life simple: set up an Amazon wish list and direct her that way.-
I agree 100%. Make it easy. An Amazon wishlist is the way to go.
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My parents used to just give me cash and tell me to buy my own present. My answer, "Sweet!" -
Maybe you should learn the benefits of eating red meat.-
yes, I'm sure that would help... o_O
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I think some of you are missing the point...but doesn't really matter.
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thank your lucky stars that your mother is online. When I want my mom to look at something online, I create an email account for her, email her the link, then explain to her how to get it, EVERY SINGLE TIME!!! if it's on youtube, I have to spell the link ALL OF IT, maybe 5 times and for my birthdays, I get screwed, close fam. buys me nothing and I am lucky w/ a happy bday.
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