Discussions
Jokes
Posted by MrCheeseburger • 3/24/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: cheeseburger, jokes
If anyone has any good jokes, post them here. I'll start with one.
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he
looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole.
The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there?"
The Indian replied, "Many moons."
User Comments
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My favourite joke:
The Queen and Prince Philip are on a state visit to Australia. The Prime Minister of Australia sidles up to Philip and tries to start a conversation.
"We've had a lot of news stories lately about whether Australia should still recognise itself as part of the English commonwealth and all that."
Prince Philip looks at him and just says "Hmm."
The Australian PM says:
"Of course, the problem is, what do we call ourselves? We can't be the Kingdom of Australia because we don't have a king....we can't be the County of Australia because we don't have a count...Can't be a duchy because we don't have a duke...Can't be a Principality because we don't have a prince..."
At which point Prince Philip cuts in:
"Why don't you just stay a country?"-
haha -
Always better if you can imagine Prince Philip's voice!
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The Country of Australia. Lol.
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Today is International Mirth Day so, thanks for asking. One the spreaders of mirth, Walt, left this joke on my blog. Enjoy!
One day, a minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.
Happy Mirth Day everyone!!!-
Lol. Thats a great joke.
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Nice to see you Mr. Cheeseburger.
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What did 0 say to 8 ?
nice belt
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What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive
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How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish
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How many vegans does it take to eat a cow?
One if no one's looking-
LoL, love the vegan joke.
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Even I, as a vegan, find that funny!
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Well are you truly a vegan?
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I'm not a PETA-style vegan...but most vegans aren't very fond of PETA
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Some nice jokes here.. Keep posting.. Sorry as i can't recall any.. :-( -
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Question: Where did the burgers go after their wedding?
Answer: On a bun-eymoon!
Question: What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters?
Answer: Hot Dog!
Question: Who are the hamburgers' favorite people?
Answer: Vegetarians!
Question: Who do the hamburgers love on TV?
Answer: Archie Bunker's son-in-law, the meat-head!
Question: Who puts holes in meat patties?
Answer: Dunkin' Hamburgers!
Question: Why can any hamburger run the mile in under 4 minutes?
Answer: Because it's a fast food!
From: 101 Hamburger Jokes by Phil Hirsch, 1978 (92 pages)-
LOL. I love how naked hamburgers are without the cheese.
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I'm glad you liked the hamburger jokes.
I dug the book out just for you.
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Another vegan joke...that I love but that non-vegans probably won't get:
How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, but where do you get your protein?-
SOOOOOYYYYY. A wonderful alternative in my opinion. As long as they aren't eating me.
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A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the audience a man shouted, "Lying fruitcake!" "Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"-
That a good one!
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A burglar breaks into a house late one night. As he's stumbling around in the dark, feeling for valuables, he hears a voice.
"Jesus is going to get you."
He jumps and calls out. "Who's there?" No answer. He starts putting valuables in a sack when he hears the voice again.
"Jesus is going to get you."
This is too much. The burglar fumbles around for a flashlight he carries with him. He aims it towards the voice and he sees a parrot in a cage.
"I'm warning you," says the parrot. "Jesus is going to get you?"
"Oh yeah?" says the burglar. "And who are you?"
"My name is Moses," says the bird.
The burglar scoffs. "What kind of people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
"The same kind that would name a Doberman 'Jesus'," answers the bird.-
Ha ha ha.
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A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last a time."
You foul-mouthed swine, "retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spealla "Mississippi".-
Mwahahahaha! -
Dude! Thats a great joke!
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Oh my Gawd. Ha ha
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On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she sobbed "Well that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?-
Looooool!
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Stop it. Omg.
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hehehe
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I'm ashamed to say when I read a few weeks ago people we're abandoning Facebook for Lent, I did some searches on Internet to see what this new social media network was all about!
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Cheeseburgers Against Hamburgers (or vice versa)
How do Hamburgers tell their children how to put on their underwear?
Yellow in front, brown in the back.
Sorry and bye,
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I love reading jokes. That's how all my friends and I got through University.
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Best way to get through college. I agree.
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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Everytime they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator... soft, wonderful, and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids." -
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!!-
I really like that one!
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If you have any please add your own...
Q: Why do mules require less grain than horses?
A: Because they are HYBRIDS-
Lol. I have a solar powered mule, too.
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as long as its not a plug in...
I have no idea what that means
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I played golf today
I hit two good balls
I stepped on a rake
(of course this joke is more effective if you are a man with two balls) -
What do Obama and a NYC street bum have in common?
They both demand change.-
Hehehe.
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Two women went out to have a drink. They ended up having a few too many and started stumbling home around 2am. Halfway home, both of them had to use the bathroom worse then they ever had in their lives. The only secluded place nearby was a graveyard, so they decided to make the best of it. One woman relieved herself, used her underwear as toilet paper and threw them into the bushes. The other woman didn't want to leave her panties, so after she relieved herself she grabbed a piece of cloth from a nearby grave and used it. They continued on their way home.
The next day, the women's husbands were talking. The first husband says, "I think my wife is having an affair. Last night she came home drunk with no underwear on." The second husband says, "You think that's bad? Last night my wife came home drunk with a ribbon on her butt that said, 'We'll Never Forget You!'" -
Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
Descartes replies, "I think not."
--and he disappears.-
lol
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oooh, it hurts >_+
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