Discussions
Love is an Option
Posted by lotusb • 10/30/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: love
My mother once told me that you can love or fall in love with anyone you pay close enough attention to. She told me this as I lusted after a boy in my class (I was in high school) and she was trying to bring me back to earth...
But sometimes I think about what she said and wonder if it's true.
Do you think you can focus your attention on someone on purpose(or not on purpose) in an effort to stimulate love to grow or that love is more mystical than that?
User Comments
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My brain just fried on that one...I'm going to reboot and see if I've got an answer for that...-
You do that...
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If I understand your question correctly, I don't think you can "force" love on yourself or anyone else, although I guess there are couples who are happy in arranged marriages (I don't know enough about that to express a strong opinion.) But I do think that some people try very hard to love someone even when there's little or no hope of it being reciprocated.
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Well I didn't take a side in it Brian. I asked an open question without stating my own opinion...
But yes, I know what you mean. Some people force it when there is nothing there. Others force it because that person looks "good on paper". -
I think the hardest thing for a lot of people is admitting that they've fallen out of love with someone; they don't want to let go because of the familiarity. Thankfully, my wife is exciting and fun and interesting, so I grow to love her more and more. Oh my god, I sound like a Nicholas Sparks novel...
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Brian, that doesn't seem to me to be hard for people at all. What I notice is that the moment someone has a day or two that aren't as exciting as they'd once anticipated, they're ready to move on and start a new relationship that will also last only so long as the "buzz" stage. -
I do think there are people who are forever searching for greener pastures...but I also think there are some who try to keep something going forever and then sacrifice all of their happiness, including the other person's, just to adhere to what their family, friends or church would want of them.
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Brian, I just can't get my mind around why it would be "sacrificing your happiness forever" to stay with someone with whom the passion had died down a bit.
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It's not necessarily about passion...sometimes it's a huge dysfunction in the relationship, and the changes in the person. If your husband was unfaithful, would you still do everything to preserve the relationship? What if your husband repeatedly spoke ill of you to your children? What if the person mocked your faith, your family, etc. There are a large number of circumstances that cause something to become broken, and sometimes it doesn't make sense to spend the rest of your life trying to repair them. I'm not suggesting something like, "Well, last week was exciting and this week I'm bored, so I'm moving on."
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Having said all this, I'm not trying to browbeat you. Your opinions probably gel with mine more than it would seem here. I think good relationships and marriages are something to fight for, all out. I just feel that at a certain point, and under certain circumstances, nobody wins.
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But Brian,the things that you're talking about aren't what you originally referenced: you said "fallen out of love" and then mentioned that you were fortunate that your marriage was still "exciting". While the issues you raise now are serious concerns and might well (except infidelity) necessitate separation, they seem to me unlikely to arise in what was a healthy relationship from the outset. People rarely simply switch from being of good character to being nasty and dishonest. If you've chosen your mate based on character, shared values and beliefs and the things that are truly going to influence day-to-day life and really taken the time to know the other person before jumping into marriage, it's unlikely that you're going to torture one another or make each other's lives miserable if things die down a bit between you.
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I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. I think my marriage is beautiful and sound. My wife is fascinating and exciting. We maybe don't squeal every time the other calls on the phone, but we still love and respect each other very much. I guess one is lucky if one finds the right one, as I have now, and it sounds like you have. If I had met this wife first, I'm sure I might share all of your views. But I think there's a profound disconnect in our thinking on some fronts. But that's okay...it's what makes us fascinatingly, frustratingly human.
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Well, this is a tough one, but I suppose certain cultures that perform arranged marriages would have to learn to adapt. I've heard that some people do fall in love this way.-
And I find it interesting that Indian marriages that are arranged traditionally have an extremely LOW percentage of divorce.
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I don't think that they "learn to adapt". They start with a whole different set of expectations, and they begin expecting to build a life and a family with someone else and to grow in affection and commitment to one another as they work side by side at creating that life. And it happens because they focus on that, rather than wistfully fantasizing about the hot guy who delivered the pizza or a long-lost high school crush.
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I'm presuming a lot here, and perhaps shouldn't, but I suspect in many instances there's a societal and familial expectation that they maintain those relationships, even if they aren't entirely happy.
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I think the point is not to "try to love" someone, but to listen to and see someone and really know him or her. I do believe that it's possible to form a deep connection with anyone, or nearly anyone, if both people open themselves to one another and really pay attention to one another. Unfortunately, few people do that, even in relationships that they've chosen.
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I agree with you!
I think it also depends of the kind of love we talk about.
But deeply love someone by slowly discovering that pesrson's soul, that I think is possible
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I do think that when people are more emotional and romantically inclined in that slightly less logical way they tend to be quicker to want to leave or think something is wrong when there is a change in feelings. Love changes and evolves and after a while that puppy dog thing fades. Marriage and commitment is about sticking it out, not sticking around until it's not fun anymore.
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But sometimes it goes beyond just "fun", and extends into other areas. For example, should someone stay in a relationship that is physically or emotionally abusive, even for a short time?
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Physical and emotional abuse, honestly, doesn't mean that a relationship is over. If a couple takes the proper steps to recover from that damage, heal and over come then why not? If a man hits me, whom I love and share a life with do I immediately pack my bags or do I see if he wants to work through his emotional problems? If he can't then I have to leave, and of course along the way I'll need to protect myself, possibly move out. But not every relationship is over from the first sign of abuse. However, I def agree that "fun" doesn't really cut it.
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I think that, then, becomes a personal choice. But I would never harshly judge someone who decides, "You know what? I was all for this until you hit me with the toaster...but I'm not okay with it anymore." I certainly would never feel that a person should be obliged to stick it out under those circumstances. I'm in no way meaning to come across as someone who believes one should just skip from one person to the next, willy-nilly, on a whim. I hope my wife and I are forever; I believe we will be. But that doesn't mean that life won't throw a curveball sometime.
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...and I think sometimes the position that shared values are enough to save the day is, with respect, a tad naive. People change. If I married a devoutly Christian woman and shared her values and then found later on that I couldn't live by that faith, I think we'd have a real problem. Would a staunch Catholic stay with a husband who had an epiphany and decided he wanted to be a Buddhist?
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So much depends on what you expect from love? How you define love? I think if you don't demand too much of people, you can like/love almost anyone.-
So the trick is low standards?
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I don't think you can "make" yourself truly fall in love with just anyone - you can delude yourself into thinking you're in love, but I think there's a greater power to it then just choosing.... -
Makes sense to me. How does one fall in love with somebody they don't even know about? Some level of attention must be granted first. And it makes sense that the more attention granted the more chances there are of being subject to characteristics of them that you value and in turn contributes to the possibility of invoking a feeling of love and understanding for them.-
Or, in some instances, quite the opposite...wouldn't you agree?
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Yes, I agree. What it really comes down to what traits we value and disvalue in a person and how do they make us feel. This is why I think that love discriminates rather then the common phrase that "love doesn't discriminate." And yes, if they had more traits that you disvauled then traits you valued, and found they make you feel like sh*t, then yes, the opposite could occur. In either case, to know ones traits would require that some level of attention exist.
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I control who I love - there are past loves still in my life but that part of me who used to be head over heels in love now sees the forest AND the trees and I don't lose myself into that emotion anymore. I care about them, but I'm not in love with them.
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Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.
So basically its emotional, and guess what, no one has any control at all over their emotions. You don’t get to chose who do and who you don’t love.
Love in the sense you’re talking about (partner type) is a love that will grown from an initial attraction, a lusting attraction of “oh my gosh I want to be with you all the time and all I think about is you”, this attraction sparks a relationship, the relationship if nurtured properly builds into a very strong bond of trust and honesty, complete transparency and inevitably leads to a lifelong loving bond.
It is simply not possible to force yourself to love someone in a way your heart does not want to.
If however you force yourself to spend more time with someone than you ordinarily would, there is a chance that by the very nature of you spending time with them you find out more about them you didn’t previously know, this may change your emotional feeling toward them and could lead to sparking a love interest, if of course you liked what you were finding out, else it would lead to the opposite
Love is definitely a mystical wonder -
I still say it all depends on how you define love. Love doesn't necessarily have to involve emotions or attractions or even understanding. Love can be simple acceptance of another, their right to be and exist. In that sense, it is possible to love just about anyone.
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I agree with that!
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Whew...I think I need a nap!
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I don't think you can MAKE people love you.
Love is a two way street. -
Somehow this thread has become like a game of "Telephone"
By the end of the thread the initial question has become completely misinterpreted. -
I think you can grow the illusion of love, but love isn't possible to sustain unless all the right elements are there.
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