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Lying to be "Nice"
Posted by MikeandTiffany • 14 days ago • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: Dating, relationships
Men say, "I'll call you" when they know they never will; women smile and hand over phone numbers that lead to the local dry cleaning establishment. Many of these liars would argue that they're being "nice" or "gentle", that it's impolite to tell someone directly that you're not interested.
Mike's post on "polite lies" this morning is one of the few topics we've covered on which we seem to be in agreement.
lifeloveandonlinedating.wordpress.com/2009/11/07/being-polite-by-lying/
Lying sucks. It doesn't spare other people pain, it just spares you the discomfort of having to witness that pain.
Or is there another side to the issue? Is it ever kinder or more polite to pretend to be interested?
User Comments
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It all depends on what the lie is. Saying 'The dress doesn't make you fat'. isn't a biggie...-
We're talking here specifically about the lies designed to "let someone down easy" (read: let them discover that you're not interested when you're not around to have to deal with it, such as by giving out a fake phone number).
Is that "a biggie"? -
Absolutely disagree. I think letting someone you supposedly care about go out looking bad when she's made an effort to ensure that she looks good (or at least okay)by asking a friend or spouse is a horribly insensitive thing to do. -
If you honestly think and say, "you make that dress look small." is that bad? -
like what the definition of "is" is, right?
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At times the guy means it when he says, "I'll call you". This poor guy would have been better off if they were BOTH lying.-
Well...he chose a woman who called herself "Glitter"...shouldn't that have been a red flag of some sort?
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It is a rare name for anyone NOT wearing a thong with some form of currency stuck in it.
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I lie to spare feelings,but when it comes to dating I'm honest..
There is a nice way to let a boy down...you say Oh I sooooo luv u we're gonna be BFF's-
Let him know that he is in "The FRIEND zone"?
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Yea,its better to be friends than nothing at all...
Or u can do the whole....I really am not looking for a relationship,but I had fun THX -
Is it "better to be friends than nothing at all"? I think you've triggered a new post.
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I don't know, I've always found it pretty easy to be straight forward with someone; if you're not interested, spare someone. How hard it that really. I think you'll hurt the person's feelings less if you simply say "I'm not interested". This post reminded me of that chick from the movie "He's Just Not That Into You".-
Agreed. I prefer to be up front & honest. Anything else is game-playing.
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I hate all justifications for lying. In fact, I talk often about this in my blog. A lie is a lie. There is never a good reason to do it. Most often I hear, "I lied to PROTECT someone." But it never does; not in the long run. The truth may sting, but it's the reality. -
Whateverrrr....it is totally ok to lie to spare someone's feelings. I wouldn't tell someone they had an ugly baby if they asked...
Its so not against the rules to spare someone's feelings,and if u are one of those type of people that would be straight up...It will come back to bite ya in the a**-
It hasn't yet, and I'm 42.
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I don't know anyone who's never told a lie. It's so common that I don't even think about it anymore. One day I'll be dead, and then none of this earthly, petty, crap will matter to me.
Wait, maybe it will, if there's a hell
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There is
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Most people, I think, are strong enough to endure the truth or a lie. So I don't think it really matters much either way. I've received my fair share of wrong numbers and it didn't crush me. I just continued on my merry way. -
I haven't dated in 15 years, but I'm pretty sure that today I'd use the "Let's talk sometime" line meaning "never" if I weren't interested.
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Why would you intentionally mislead the other person?
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It is being argued that it is the "nice" thing to do. LOL.
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Yea that's a good one to
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I believe that lying is not necessarily a good thing in ANY situation.
If you can't handle telling the truth and the ramifications of doing so - then you should just keep your mouth shut - or be labeled a liar.
I think lying serves NO purpose whatsoever.
I - personally would tell a guy that asked me for my phone number: "Oh hey - sorry, BUT I don't give it out to anyone I don't know well enough. I've had bad experiences doing that. I'm sorry."
And generally I'm pretty nice about letting someone down - because I think of how I would feel in their shoes.
But I wouldn't DARE think of giving away a number.
THE ONLY time I have lied to a guy - was this one time my girlfriend and I - who were both married at the time - were dancing and this group of military guys who had been drinking heavily decided to just jump in on the dancefloor and started grinding up against us... We looked at each other - started laughing and told them to back off - cause we were lesbians.
Taught me a lesson...
Don't ever tell a bunch of drunk guys that you're a lesbian.
It leads to tons of OH PLEASE LET ME WATCH... or MY FANTASY comments.
Sigh...
So it would have been easier to just say - Hey dude - quit grinding on me ya jerk. LOL!-
Isn't that odd? Would they have asked a straight couple if they could watch?
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Those who know me know that unless they want an honest answer, they don't ask.
Lies take more effort than I'm willing to give.-
Liar!
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Please don't make me fork you.
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Lying isn't nice at all.There is a Buddhist precept that says, Thou Should not lie. In cases where you think you have to lie, most probably it is better to be silent but then, this is just a personal opinion. -
Sometime liar is a must!-
Why?
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depends upon whom does the lie benefits to... -
i think its better to tell a harmless lie than hurting someone. sometimes thats the only way, and as alivasim said, if the lie benefits the other person why not.-
i totally agree wid u..if u lie then try to bring smile on others face..that would be the happy and sweet lie..
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If I understand this correctly, you approve of lying when you believe the lie minimizes what otherwise would be pain and you believe this is beneficial to the person you are deceiving. Your justification for lying is an appeal to the utility of comfort. But is it not the case that the truth may hurt, but it is through pain and suffering that we become strong. That what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I think it is a real comrade that can tell the truth to another even though it may indeed at first hurt. In the long run though, it seems it does greater good to tell the truth, then it does to deceive in these situations where one appeals to comfort as their justification for lying.
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alivasim, If told you that I one the lottery and wanted to give some money to you, and that brought a huge smile to your face, is it worth it? Because 5 minutes later when you find out a lie, your smile quickly turns to pain and disappointment. Plus you lose trust in people. I really don't think that is a "sweet" lie.
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when u love someone...u try to make the person feel comfortable with any means...u never test one to make them strong..u should support them..
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So you show your love to your significant others by deceiving them? Telling the truth is not to test their strength, it is in respect for them, it is supporting them through honesty. If giving them illegal drugs made them feel comfortable, would you do it? Probably not, because you know it is bad for them. The same goes for deceit.
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there is noting like deceiving them...it is just to use a better way to help them...they should not get distracted...they got to face the truth but with the thinking that there is someone who's gonna be with them whatever happens...
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Lying to the ones you love is a better way to help them? You say they should not be distracted, but lying to them is a distraction, it is distracting them from the truth. How can they face the truth as you say if you are deceiving them from the start?
You can be honest with them while at the same time comforting them and letting them know you are there for them no matter what happens.
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I think we're being too "all or nothing" here. Schindler (Schindler's List) lied to the Nazis to save people from gas ovens. A friend of my parents lied to the Soviets to get out of Estonia after they had sent her whole family to Siberia(yes, really).
(addition) I know these aren't what anyone would call "polite" lies; this is just my argument against the idea that all lying, ever, is wrong.-
Lying to directly save lives, yea seams reasonable. But these life and death situations are rare that requires lies to save lives. For everyday practicality, lying cannot be justified in this way.
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Sometimes you have to lie to save yourself. Like Galileo.
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Agreed!!
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I don't lie, I am no good at it anyway. I am upfront with people and if I don't like somebody I will definitely tell them. My problem is I am too upfront as I have no problem coming out and saying I don't like you or go away. I typically get along with people in general but I am not the one to pretend to like somebody. As for if somebody says they will call me I don't wait around on a phone call. They call me cool they don't oh well.
When it comes to the does this dress make me look fat scenario, be honest. They wouldn't ask if they didn't want your opinion. -
Better to just NOT say anything then to lie.. Lies come back to bite you in the butt.
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