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Marriage Break Up - Do People Give Up Too Easily?

Posted by filosofia • 10/21/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: divorce, marriage, partnerships, relationships

With the divorce rate climbing ever higher, is it possible to say that divorce has become too much of an easy option (e.g. on the grounds of singing out of tune in the bath, or clicking ones fingers)? Do you think that people nowadays give up on a marriage (or partnership) too easily? Should they be encouraged to try to work at it first?

Obviously, if there is violence in a marriage, it must be terminated. But is it selfish of people to end a marriage for trivial reasons?

In my grandparents generation, people say they used to work through any difficulties and they would often say they were stronger as a result. Are these older people just being nostalgic?

User Comments

10/21/08

dosox

These days.. More People prefer lust and not love. Maybe those are the unlucky ones

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10/21/08

ranist22

With greater individual freedom and the breaking up of community ties, couples do break up rather easily. In countries where people do stay married the lack of individual freedom or women's freedom is often cited as a reason. In the past, it is true, women went through an awful lot and remained married because it was the done thing to do, it would cause too much repercussions or because they had no earning power. At the same time they did not go through the awful solitude of the modern woman after she is past her prime. At the same time, women with earning power are still entering into destructive relationships (e.g; Whitney Houston). I think this is a real societal problem.

These are a few reflections from my point of view which many people may not agree with.

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10/21/08

Shy

I have been married twice,... shock horror...
1st one I left when his lover gave birth to his son and the 2nd I left when he tried to kill our daughter and myself, I think both very good reasons and that is what has made me the aware, always doubting, seeing red flags everywhere, itch with a B. I am today and proud of it..

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  ranist22
  
  Shy, you are a SURVIVOR! And it's great to be that way, red flags and all.
2. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  I like my red flags, as ones gut feelings are not often wrong.
3. 9/12/09
  
  GabeGrimes
  
  I'm glad you and your child were able to get away. No one should live in fear of harm.
4. 9/12/09
  
  timethief
  
  @gaegromes
  I don't know if you noticed that date on this old thread or not. Shy has not posted to it since 10/21/08
  . I clicked her username and this is what I found on her profile page:
  Last seen 3 months ago
  I'm thinking that the best way to contact her may be to got to her blog and look for contact information there.
10/21/08

TOMDDiary

I have been married 3 times. I think I worked very hard at the first two marriages and, just maybe, I stayed too long in those relationships. I am very happy in my 3rd marriage and the difference is I KNOW that I have found the right person to be with. I think you can only truly love once. But that is just my humble opinion. You can find out more about my feelings and opinions at www.thoughtsonmyday.com

JB

[reply]
10/21/08

SweetViolet

I think it is too easy to get married and that too many people get married for the wrong reasons ("We're in love!" isn't enough).

When people put more effort into planning their wedding than they put into planning their marriage, it shouldn't be a surprise that it breaks down after a few years and people want to go their separate ways.

Instead of requiring a lawyer and counsellors and a judge to terminate a marriage, maybe classes and tests and legal contracts should be required before a marriage license can be issued.

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  AngieA
  
  SweetViolet,
  
  Surprise, surprise, I agree with you here. lol
  Especially, the last two statements.
2. 10/21/08
  
  LGramlich
  
  I agree with SweetViolet totally. Too many people seem to marry people too quickly, for the wrong reasons, etc., etc. If more forethought went into the process, you wouldn't see so many divorces.
10/21/08

Kryptonitemare

Divorces are actually lower the last time I read the News Paper. Not so much because things are getting better but because of the economy.

Anyway, It's not a suprise anymore. People pick up and throw away partners quick this day of age. It's not because marriages were better back in the day. "The day" wasn't as great as everyone thought, Alot of women stayed in terrible or just plain old boring marriages where the flame died out forever because either it was a stable way of life or for the kids.

Now though, Women are just as equal in the workplace and no longer have to depend on a partner. Women also can old as dirt and still find someone.

Also the whole factor of your social circle no longer makes such an impact in your life. It might not matter what your neighbors, family or friends think anymore.

The only thing that might still keep couples together though is kids. That though is fading away every decade though leaving kids drifting between parents or left with one main parent.

So....... A judge in a divorce court finds infront of him a couple who had been together for 70 years. He asked the couple, WHY? Why after 70 years of marriage do you decide to get divorced with you being 96 and your wife 92? To that the couple responded we were waiting for our children to die......

Edit: I is dizzy and sleepy. If I said anything wrong or along the lines that women belong in the kitchen and they just won't listen please ignore me, I'm very sleep and typing upside down. Yay.

[reply]
10/21/08

psychosolodiver

People are different now. Put a wedding ring on your girlfriend's finger and she'll try and change you "for the better" and close shop on the romance until you conform.

It SUCKS!

Never getting married in the first place is the best option!

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  You obviously date the wrong kind of females.
  I always have "men" trying to change me "ohh you work to much, I never see you, I should be bringing in the money, why are you so independent" ohh please, I need to date a MAN not a sissyboy!
  There is a huge difference between treating a lady like a queen and chaining her to the kitchen sink.
  Who needs marriage anyway?
2. 10/21/08
  
  Kryptonitemare
  
  Word, Men kinda lost the upperhand since women started burning their bras. As much as they say they want to be equal the idea of what a woman wants in marriage and what a man wants in a marriage is different. Women though get like 90% of what is wanted while like you said we conform.
  
  Look at a married couples house, How much of the man do you see in how the house is layed out. We get maybe one room to make our own, If we're lucky. We don't care about what colors match what or what tiles look best in the kitchen where the most used item is the microwave.
  
  It just seems like alot of marriages focus more on status and items.
  
  Oh and weddings are evil, And I'm sleepy but bored.
3. 10/21/08
  
  psychosolodiver
  
  Shy and Kryptonitemare, you both are right!
  
  My wife bitched and complained for a year about my "junky car" that she was embarrassed to be seen in. She actually cried sometimes when she knew we were going to see some relatives in it.
  
  "My parents would never believe someone in America would drive a car like that," she said.
  
  I sent it out for paint, upholstery and engine work. Four months later it came back looking great. All my wife did was cry, "It's the same car! You should have gotten rid of it and gotten a new car!"
  
  I give up. Some people were born to be alone and I am one of them!
4. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  @krypton, I agree on many things there, though man if I burnt my bra I would have to stop running as bruised kneecaps and black eyes do not look good on me!
  The problem with all relationships be it personal or business is communication then again if you do communicate usually something ends up hitting the fan.
  Men did not lose the upperhand at all, just many took it offensively when females took control of things, the ones who are happy and successful in life (whatever scale you look at success on) are Females who are still feminine and males who are still gentlemen.
  I am a female and love being feminine, successful business and meeting gentlemen only problem is they all seem to be married LOL
  
  psycho I just read your message so doing an edit here, life is about happiness and not keeping up with the jones. tell her to get her own car and you keep your baby.
5. 10/21/08
  
  Kryptonitemare
  
  I have a view of why Married men are always the most gentlemenish. I think they weren't that way before marriage, Atleast not 100%. But As soon as they do get married they pretty much get directed in what they are doing wrong and bad habbits are slowly torn away.
  
  Women seem to always try to improve their men more than men try to even change their wife.
6. 10/21/08
  
  psychosolodiver
  
  Thanks Shy! Finally I have met a down to Earth woman!
  
  My wife says she would leave me if she ever caught me cheating on her. Shy, when will you be in the Los Angeles, California area?
7. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  next week ok with you? but I have a meeting I can not miss on tuesday, but depends what kind of car do you have?
10/21/08

Kryptonitemare

Is there really a "right kind of woman"?

The closest I came to the right kind of woman ended up being a lesbian. Man I was so bummed that day, Heart breaking inside me feeling and all.

As for non-Lesbian choices, My best girlfriend ever was a pain in the ass and would of been an annoying bride. But damn would I of conformed for her.

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  sure there is the right kind of woman!! just depends on what you "outlines" for it is, and if it is realistic and able to compromise.
  I have good taste so I will not fight for brad pitt or tom cruise I think they are both butt ugly... see I compromise!
10/21/08

RTBjr73

First marriage...and LAST marriage.

Fourth engagement.

Fourth time's a charm.

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  "First marriage...and LAST marriage."
  I said that once.
2. 10/21/08
  
  RTBjr73
  
  me too, right above.
3. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  now it is time to start praying LOL
4. 10/21/08
  
  RTBjr73
  
  Well, we had this past weekend to ourselves at a resort.
  
  I called out God's name many times.
  
  Does that count?
5. 10/21/08
  
  faithsju243
  
  @Rtbjr somehow I don't think the priest would agree !
6. 10/21/08
  
  RTBjr73
  
  My uncle IS a priest..HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
  
  Well, got out after 35 years, but still presided over mine and both my Dad's weddings.
10/21/08

faithsju243

I thought divorces were on the decline especially with folks waiting longer to get hitched.

I wish someone would give my parents the divorce memo they bottom line can't stand each other and have nothing in common besides us kids yet both seem to be gluttons for punishment and continue to stay together. They are from the old school where you stick it out until one kicks the bucket.

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Kryptonitemare
  
  Oh man, I remember back in Jersey when I was younger I had neighbors who EVERY night it was a fight. I'd even be over and they'd be yelling at the top of their lungs at each other like clockwork. They had three kids, Two girls (4 & 11) and one son (14). I found it the weirdest thing to be hanging out with these kids who barely even reacted to the fight going on in the background.
  
  I never understood why these people were together. Alone they were cool to hang out with but when you got them together is was ON!
10/21/08

rain4u

Well, we cannot blame those who undergo divorce as an option because they have their own reason.Some are being battered and some have third party involved. For me,as much as possible, even a little love counts, if you still want to work things out with your husband for the sake of your kids, then do it. I see a lot of children who are product of broken homes have gone the wrong way.

But if you cannot take it anymore because you were beaten black and blue, I suggest, you better leave him.

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  No matter the reason you want a divorce, to stay together for the children is wrong every time, children are not stupid, all they want is love and protection and living in a situation where there is always tension is it wrong.
  Many people from broken homes have gone the right way as well, life is about choices and not all can be blamed on parents.
2. 10/21/08
  
  faithsju243
  
  I have to agree with Shy while I hear that theme from many people who stick it out kids aren't dumb. It would have served my brother, sister and I much better if our parents would have split so we weren't subjected to their endless arguments. As kids we felt in the middle and eventually ended up picking sides when as children that wasn't our place and has caused strain in our adults lives with both our mom and dad.
10/21/08

rain4u

Psycho, don't say that...people were not born alone. I know there's someone out there for you...

[reply]
10/21/08

Kryptonitemare

I see children as I do marriage, If you must do it you should only do so after 30. Give yourself 12 years of adulthood to knock the stupid out of your head.

[reply]
10/21/08

rain4u

Well, yeah you got a point there shy..but here in our country, we do not have divorce here... only annulment. But for the poor, though they don't love their anymore, they have no choice but to stick together...

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  I do not know your culture, I respect all cultures, though my maternal instinct will win every time "the children are our future" is not only a song it is the truth and children deserve to stay innocent as long as they can. They are not a pawn in a game of chess to sacrifice to get to the queen, culture should also not be a barrier, children are innocent leave them that way.
  In a bad/dangerous situation be it physical or mental, then distance yourself from it, I have and will continue to put safety, security and stability first for myself and people around me.
2. 10/21/08
  
  Kryptonitemare
  
  As Alan Alda said, Children really arn't our future because by the time they get to theirs we'll be dead.
  
  Don't quote me but it went something like that if memory serves right.
10/21/08

cranelegs

a life long commitment, whether by marriage or not, is a nobel intention and difficult road. i'm on my third. the first two by marriage and the current not. they are hard work, whether born from love or not. and as much as i occasionally despair i have failed, i find myself willing to try again.

it is such a worthwhile undertaking.

[reply]
10/21/08

soaprobe

I think people give up too easily. My wife and I reached our 18th wedding anniversary yesterday. It can be hard work, and at times one wants to give up, but in general its a choice, a commitment, more than about feelings. Mostly its about thinking of your spouse before yourself - that's the really tough bit.

Robert
mulledvine.blogspot.com

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Kryptonitemare
  
  Congrats.
  
  As for the whole thinking of your spouse thing, I think one flaw for me is that sometimes I like to be left alone with some me time.
2. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  @ krypton. Thank goodness you said it first, I had to backspace so much and I was biting my tongue so hard. maybe that is why I have been divorced 2 times lol
  I always think of my partner but not always first, there is a line, it is such a grey area, I give a lot in a relationship but if I always think of them first I will lose myself and that is also wrong, well it is only my point of view..
10/21/08

mulledvine

Space is important too. I'm not talking about being a doormat. The thing about esteeming the other more hightly than yourself is that more often than not it gets reciprocated.

This is just my experience.

[reply]
10/21/08

Kryptonitemare

@ Shy - Don't you hate it when you have something to write but you have to write it a hundred different ways to find the right way to say it?

Anyway, I think I'm just too flawed for marriage. Main reason being is that people piss me off when they try to make things more complicated than they really are.

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  @ kryton yeah I am always editing and writing things a million ways!
  talk about mountains made out of molehill, it pisses me off to the hilt. The reason I am so successful in my line of work is because it is a "males world" and all they do is sit comparing pee pee sizes and who can write the simplest things in the most complicated ways.
  Krypton can I jump in your boat?
2. 10/21/08
  
  Kryptonitemare
  
  I don't trust women on boats, Didn't you watch Titanic? Yeah.... I still remember. You women killed Leonardo and he's never been able to really fully recover.
  
  As for the pee pee sizes, Are we talking about cars or actual pee pee sizes? I remember one office I went to go work at, I went there trying to look all sharp with my suit ready to work and you had like four guys in a cubical bragging about how high-tech this one guys new Lexus was to the point that they were talking about lights. Meanwhile they looked like total losers. One of the guys even had a cheesy mullet, I found it so damn funny that they cared about their cars so much but didn't put as much effort into anything else.
3. 10/21/08
  
  Shy
  
  ohh at the meetings I have some talk about actually pee pee size and also cars, I am the only female at these meetings and they sometimes forget, or do not care I think I hear stories of who is bonking who and who's wife is out of town and all these female horror stories and they look shocked when I can relate to them my most common statement used is "well men are like tissues, use, screw up and throw away" ohh and I am the bad one pffff.
  I am very trustworthy on a boat, and it was the caption who sunk the ship
10/21/08

farangrakthai

People marry too easily...

[reply]
10/21/08

Bricore

I agree with farangrakthai.

Maybe "SOME PEOPLE" just marry to easily. We get caught up in what we really think we feel but later find out that life changes and maybe the person we married isn't the one we thought we were getting in our head.

I can't say for everyone and I am not the best person to talk about it because I have only been married once. I did have a boyfriend for 8 1/2 years and when he would ask me to marry him I could never say yes. I am glad I didn't (he wasn't a bad guy just not the one I needed to be with. He has now found a really nice girl that loves him and I have my husband that I just adore.)

[reply]
10/21/08

lotusb

I think because of the media and the break down in religious morals, people don't take marriage as serious as they used to. Divorce is very common everywhere, in real life, in commercials, in TV in music. Some people even approach marriage thinking, "well I can alway get divorced.." I think it's horrible. Either get marriage or dont, but don't thik of it as some joke.

[reply]
10/21/08

filosofia

There are amazingly interesting comments here, and I have learned so much from them. I had believed the divorce rate was growing so thank you to those who corrected me. I wonder if the fall in the rate is caused by people working harder to keep their marriage going, or just because they don't bother to get married and instead live in partnerships more.

Maybe it is too easy to get married as some people have said.

I watched a film set in 1950 where Michael Caine is in Saigon living with a Vietnamese girl, and he keeps writing to his wife, who lives in London, asking for a divorce. He is willing to admit to adultery, or whatever it takes. But she refuses. "I will not give you a divorce, my religion forbids it," she writes. Imagine if someone said that today, they would be laughed at.

In our own time, we hear of people, usually famous or wealthy people, making pre-nuptial agreements as to how the money will be divided in the likely event the marriage fails. With such an admission of defeat before you start, what's the point of even starting?

[reply]
1. 10/21/08
  
  Kryptonitemare
  
  It's been said to be on a decline because of the economy. It's better to stick it out or just wait for a later period than to deal with it now during hard times.
  
  As the the pre-nup, Sadly there are plenty of women and sometimes men who go after marriage for gain of wealth so I don't see it as much as saying "When" but "If".
  
  I feel sorry for any guy who has fallen for "We don't need a pre-nup, If you really love and believe in me you'll just trust me", And then bam, Half of yours is mine.
10/21/08

amitchopra22

i think people don't have patience these days, it might be love or arrange marriage , both are ine but understanding and patience are necessary.
people should not break relations on small waste thoughts.

before breaking they shud each other max of 6 months for settlement. they shud try .

[reply]
10/21/08

mitayashi

aside from domestic violence, I think it's only a matter of communication. it's either to keep the problem in silence or wrong way of communication. if by 2 person communication is failed, third party would be good. trusted n neutral person is the best (if both know this person). if not, psychiatrist may be best

[reply]
10/21/08

SomeMuslimMan

It's important to ask this question: why do people marry? I do support marraige however it's not an easy game to play, it's rather two people who decided to share their life together, therefore 'Love' is an important factor -not the only one- because it helps in overcoming the hard life.

Anyway I see love dimmed nowadays and people -without generalising- are just thinking about "making love" which is totally different from "loving someone"

[reply]
10/21/08

LynneaUrania

I was in a bad marriage for 21 years, finally changing my withholding and planning a divorce in 1998. My wife had been estranged by a Seventh-day Adventist minister. We finally divorced 2 years later.

Since then I have neither married nor am I given in marriage. But I've had good lovers including the man I have been living with for the past 5 years.

Some of us should never have married in the first place.

[reply]
10/21/08

freeatlast

mawhage is what bwings us heeah twogethah twoday.

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10/22/08

Takwa

really depends on both partners, not just giving up yourself

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10/22/08

curlydesigh

I think people do get married for the wrong reasons. About the giving up, not sure, both people have to agree to work on the relationship. I am not married yet so my motto is marry late but great.

[reply]
10/22/08

rain4u

I agree with soaprobe..it takes a lot of hardwork to stay together and as long as there still love between the two of you...just keep it up!

[reply]
10/22/08

drjay1966

Depends on the marriage...some give up too easily, some not easily enough and keep making life hell for themselves and, in many cases, their children...

[reply]
10/23/08

bradhart

Every marriage should come complete with an extensive prenuptial. It is easier and less messy to walk away when those are in play, but when both people know they are bound to that agreement should they split they do it less often.

Personally I think a marriage license should last for a set amount of time only like your driver's license. You sign a contract detailing responsibilities and terms pay your fee and when it is over you either renew it or you don't. Dispensation of kids, properties, resources etc are all detailing in the pre-marriage contract.

[reply]
10/27/08

realchristiansingl

Yes! People give up too easily! Your marriage can be saved! See www.marriagesaver.com

[reply]
12/14/08

filosofia

I think people treat a marriage like it was a car or something. To be traded in.

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12/14/08

hatingtherain

Once was enough for me.

It's much easier to get married than divorced.

[reply]
12/14/08

filosofia

Is it really? I've heard that getting married costs more than getting divorced...

[reply]
1. 12/14/08
  
  hatingtherain
  
  Not for me.