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Marriage First Before Sex or Sex First Before Marriage?
Posted by deoangel • 9/08/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: Dating, marriage, premarital, sex
I have been having a little debate with my sister about the whole premarital sex thing.
Should you save yourself for the one?
Or...
Test out the merchandise (figure of speech)
What are your thoughts?
User Comments
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There's no right answer to that question. Of course, in a perfect world, a gal will save herself until she's married, and there's nothing wrong with that. But the realities are that such rarely happens, and there's nothing wrong with pre-marital sex either. My best advice: Throw the married, non-married distinction out the window -- rather focus on the guy and whether you feel comfortable that he's someone who truly cares about you. Because sex with dudes who are only out for the sex is always a dead end street. Well anyway, just my humble advice.-
Thanks a lot. I agree.
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The trouble is, people change and once that sexual tension is released all of the love and tenderness that once was, is no more. Romance goes out the wiondow and all that is left is the two personalities that were not diciplined enough to see beyond the physical for compatibility.
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I say preach it. I know just about everyone I have ever talked to (women of course) wish they would have. Hindsight is 20/20-
Hindsight is then used to teach the younger generation not to make the same mistakes. Is it me, or does it seem like we are keeping that hindsight to ourselves?
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Well I've been a few times around the block. As an Independent, what always gets my goat is how gals who try to abstain and save themselves for marriage are villified by the left wing partisans, while gals who have pre-marital sex are villified by the far right partisans. It's all stupidity. To each his/her own. Follow your heart, and try to find the person who truly cares about you -- that's the best advice.
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I totally agree..follow your heart..
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I so agree with that. I think women should just be able to be.
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Just "Be" the best you can in this crazy country and world. That's all that so many of us are trying to accomplish!
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so dang hard to.
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I know there are many women that wish they were virgins again...Maybe they'll get it right next time...lol
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I think you should "test the goods before marriage" if you all are mature and ready to take on the emotions/ and responsibiliities that come along with being sexual active! I agree with the "theindependendentrage" that yes before stepping it up sex... please find someone who trully cares for you! You will save yourself alot of heartache in the future. Sex is something that is difficult to stop, once you have started! -
What if testing out the merchandise and its too shabby but you like everything else, then what? Kick him to the curb and his self esteem will repair itself? Well, then what goes around comes around!
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This is what I know. When you are in love with someone there is no such thing as bad sex. As a matter of fact it isn't even sex anymore it LOVE,PASSION,ONENESS
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Save it till marriage. There are a lot of tricksters out there, and while I guess ideally a marital type relationship could exist without a marriage, but, WHY???? And further, if he's not willing to get married, maybe that kinda tells you something about the way he views you that he is trying to slip under the rug.
I'm not saying he's a bad person, I'm just saying he may be guiding you down a path that, while not strictly shameful, closes a lot of doors to you, and he probably doesn't know this and just assumes that your natural reaction would be in the same category as cooties and those stupid Harlequin romance movies you make him watch, you know, all that "girl stuff."
If "merchandise" is all it's about, you probably should consider getting a new boyfriend. Sex is good, sex is great, but true romance is better, certainly lasts longer and bears much more fruit in the lives of both of you. -
I prefer to have sex first before marriage. -
i chose the marriage first then sex,i already did that.actually how long u and your bf can hold it,determines how serious the thoughts about the relationship will last,even up until marriage.atleast that's what i think.-
you are great
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The girl have to save herself for her guy and with immediate effect all guys save yourself for your girl too. How is that?
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OK - here I go.
I don't believe that there is ANYTHING at all untoward about premarital sex on EITHER SIDE.
If men can do it - so can women.
PERIOD.
I think it is up to the person to choose if they want to have sex or not.
It isn't something that should be dictated by society - or by anyone.
No man - or woman - is worth less because they have had sex.
No man - or woman - is a "skank" or "slut" because they have had sex.
Marriage is NOT about sex. Period.
However, in marriage - if sex is not good between the two people - then the marriage CAN fail.
I believe that you must be sexually compatible in order to have a happy marriage. When that sexual compatibility is broken or does not exist - tension - or divorce is almost sure to follow.
I think - that by choosing to sleep with the person you intend to spend your life with - whether you are a male or a female - is a necessary ingredient in determining whether you are compatible with that person.
Yes - your marriage is NOT about sex... But sex and intimacy is a large part of marriage.
Saving yourself for marriage might be the right thing for you.
However - for me - it is not.
I want to know whether I even like the way a human smells, tastes and whether they will be willing to PLEASE me. If they aren't or if I don't like anything about them - I really don't want to be STUCK with them forever.
So - while I don't think people should be put down for their choices - I believe it should be up to the individual to make that decision.-
Right on, WW! -
Thank you for saying what my giant head was thinking...
I understand the reason behind the saving, but I laugh when I hear of people talk about it (mostly laugh in my head unless I can't control the giggles). And since I'm never doing the marriage stuff anyway, that would be impossible for me to do!
Like someone else mentioned, I do find random sex with just anyone bizarre, especially when my male friend talks about people he's known for a day and slept with like nothing. I couldn't do that as I'd have to have strong lovu feelings otherwise it's never going to happen. I don't think the random sex is necessarily terrible either, I just can't comprehend the ability to do so.
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yea,sex doesn't make a marriage. At all. I mean if you have true love like christopher reeves and his wife,then sex has NOTHING to do with it. Sex is GREAT,but it's not the be all and end all. LOVE is.
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Definitely, marriage first and then sex.
If you do that, believe me, your marriage will last for long, even though I know that it's not the only thing that makes a marriage survive.
How do you know that a person will care for you if he/she doesn't even step up to marry you? Everybody can have sex, but not everybody can take the responsibility to get married. -
You might as well marry a stranger.
If you believe you need to know a person well before you marry, then you cannot leave sex out of the equation. It is more than the act of sex itself that is important, but how your partner handles the intimacy.
I see no value whatsoever in virginity, either for men or women, and great deal of value entering into a lifetime relationship with a full complement of skills.-
Great response.
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Saving yourself for marriage is a charming fairy tale.-
Will you marry me? -
Of course baby!
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Casual or pre-marital sex is a great convenience. After all there is a thing such as biological urge. And in cultures where this urge is suppressed there are many undesirable side-effects
It should be actually left to the individual to decide what he/she wants to do. Saving oneself for marriage may work for some and might not make sense to another. What's important is that an individual should know exactly what he/she is doing and for this a dialog may be necessary -
It's everyone's own choice. For some, sex can ruin things and take away the romance but for others, the sex can just heighten the passion! There is a difference between just having sex and making love. I was 7 months pregnant when I walked down the aisle and we are closer than ever now 6 years later!! -
More importantly is sex after marriage
in that case, I am "pro" -
Haha that's funny...you are so right though
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I do NOT believe that becoming legally married is a requirement for a happy, healthy relationship that endures a lifetime. I only witnessed a couple of healthy, happy marriages based on traditional adherence to virginity prior to marriage being a successful ones that lasted a lifetime. In contrast I know many couples who have never married but are still together and still obviously in love after 3 decades have passed.
I also do NOT believe that sex should only take place within the context of marriage and not before. I sincerely believe that sex should take place prior to marriage and I advocate the same.
It's a fact that people who are romantically drawn to each other experience lust. It's a fact that until the lust has worn off the couple do not actually know if they love each other at all, let alone, enough to spend a lifetime together. If a couple has mutual respect, trust, equality, freedom, affection going for them then I say have sex. Have lots and lots of safe sex. Because it's of critical importance to the health and longevity of any romantic relationship that the couple are a "match" when it comes to sexuality.
Healthy happy relationships are based on freedom and complementarity rather than need. The foundation for a successful relationship is mutual respect, trust, equality, freedom, affection, intimacy and a desire to allow one another to grow to their fullest potential within the relationship.
So after the couple has had lots and lots of sex they need to assess: "Do we have this foundation or not?"
In successful relationships, couples have effective conflict resolution processes and they learn to adapt and change together. They accept change as an inevitable part of human life and support each other. They acknowledge that change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy and that it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe.
It takes time to assess whether or not the basic ingredients for a long term or lifetime commitment exist within in a relationship, and that's what co-habitation is for. If it does exist then I believe it’s advisable to formalize that relationship by creating a prenuptial contract, whether or not it's enforceable. -
sex after marriage. i am a notoriously strait laced bigot when it comes to matters like this and there isn't any way of changing me. am i alone?? -
I am saving myself for marriage. -
for me, if i love the person and he makes me horny then premarital sex is okay
for your sister, she can do whatever makes her happy as long as she knows the consequences and shes ready to face the consequences -
I believe she has the right answer. Men go to turn on your woman and have sex.
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Go to fu*k a couple of times, not too much because later become boring with the same person, it s like eat, if you always eat the same food you want a different dish. But exist the option that the woman in relation with you could be so perfect for you than you wont have problems later but that happens one in a million.
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100% absolutely positively try it before you buy it. All you folks saying sex does not make a marriage - in my world it does! I have a very high sex drive, and a very adventurous one at that, and there's no way I would commit a lifetime to a man without making sure that we were comptatible in bed. I firmly believe that your lovelife trickles into all other aspects of your marriage - affects your moods, your communication, etc.... it doesn't solve any underlying problems you have, but it certainly doesn't cause any if you know what you're buying before you buy it! -
Since I'm one of the ones who doesn't see relevance in marriage, I don't see any point in waiting. If you feel comfortable and have the desires, go for it. I think some make sex a bigger deal than it is.
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As a child, I was glad I had a dad and that my mother provided me one before she fulfilled her sex drive. I don't find marriage irrelevant - and I don't believe in safe sex, as I've gotten pregnant before while using supposedly ample safety precautions. I think, too often, the voice of the potential child is silenced. You owe them more than that. -
Ah yeah, well many people have differing opinions. For people that want the marriage and family, it's great so long as they don't force it..then it kind of becomes quite the mess.
My sister is going on 13 or more years of marriage and their family is a big mess. Everyone is screaming at each other, the tension...minus one of my sister's daughters (and one my nieces) who seems to go with the drama very calmly. I'm pretty impressed at how's she has maintained sanity with the way her parents dislike each other but stay together for the kids. The other child though, has threatened my other sister's single kid, has a terrible mouth, cursing left and right (and only 8 I believe).
But yes, it's not always that way as I have two parents still and the family, although not typical, are still together years upon years later (parents married for over three decades). But it's definitely not something I want to have myself as I can't tolerate and just plain dislike children and I would rather be in a defacto relationship (which I am in now, going on 3 years) with no contracts, no weddings, yada yada.
And luckily for me that my guy hates children and the idea of marriage as well! Well we actually made it clear towards the beginning of our relationship on our stances on the whole kid/marriage thing.
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I'd have to go with marriage first because I'm very bad at that sex thing and you should always get the ring to make sure they can't leave you once they find out.-
The lavender donkeh is cracking me up *lmao*
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It's true! I am so bad at sex the first time I had sex I made her turn the light out so we both had no idea where the clitoris was.
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TMI!
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I have tried both and the one that seems to work best is marriage then sex. Besides God says it is best and why go against the inventor. -
Poor sex, why are people always picking on it? Suppose someone said people shouldn't talk before they got married. Would that make any sense? Well, I think the sex prohibition is just as senseless.-
Me too.
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agreed.
We are human. Humans procreate by means of sexual reproduction. Humans are a social, and emotional species. I deduce that because of our complex mental compatibilities mixed with our social and emotionally driven character, that we have become what I would call a highly sexual species. By denying our sexuality we are denying a big part of what we are. I see absolutely no reason to deny what we are. I am proud to be human. We are the elite species on the planet. Lets celebrate what we are and have sex whenever we want. -
Disagree. There is a lot of meaning in a dance, especially one involving a sacrifice. The speaking and learning and imagining become stronger and stronger within your mind between you while the sacrifice made (your sexuality) carries these deeper in to your soul. If you forsake the sacrifice, your heart will not be as open and these things you share will not become as profound. It's kind of like taking a loan against your heart - you need love to have love, so you take it out of pain on interest, and interest it does pay. Just like any other experience in your life, this shapes you, and the fruits of this sacrifice and dedication will last till the day you die.
Human beings also have a terrible tendency to objectify each other in these situations. This is unhealthy, and forcing you to really know them as a person first can avoid this major obstacle.
Further, my suspicion is that performance under the sheets is the product of what's in the heart and what's important in the mind. If you are thoroughly intoxicated of someone, they will drink you right up. Even if this isn't true, there are a lot of things you can do to improve such: changing your diet, using aphrodisiacs, bringing physical exercise and healthier habits in to your or their life are all possibilities that have been known to be effective for thousands of years.
@Sway: Far from denying your sexuality, you are cultivating and investing in it, like putting a 500,000 dollar check in to bonds so it can bring you back 800,000 in 5 years. You are especially growing the deeper attachment that comes with it. -
NP, were you raised by a single mother?
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I wouldn't buy a car without test driving it, and I wouldn't marry someone without testing not just sexual compatibility but living together. What if, despite everyone's best intentions, you just don't enjoy the same things? Better to find out before you get too far.-
I think passion plays a HUGE part in a relationship. What if you have zero chemistry in bed AND you find that out on your wedding night? Uh-oh. What if your partner says you have the rest of your lives anyway to find each others' "buttons" to push? How long can you wait til your partner learns and vice versa?
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I think people should wait to be in a committed relationship before they have actual sex, but that's because when I think sex, I think procreation before intimacy. Sex is about you, your partner, and your possible child and as an adult, you should keep their best interest in mind. But i guess I'm weird. -
It's only premarital sex if you're planning on getting married.
hahahahah
But seriously, test out the merchandise. Which scenario is more unpleasant:
1. Sleeping with someone before marriage.
2. Realizing your new spouse isnt anything you thought he/she'd be under the sheets, after you have committed. -
Just sex -- no marriage. -
I think it really depends on the person. No one should rush into having sex because there is a responsibility to the other party involved and more importantly yourself. I think that a person should wait until he/she is emotionally and physically read for all the ramifications that having sex brings.-
I can only speak for myself. I wish I had waited. Many women or men always think in the beginning that they have found the one. I think that if I was to marry someone w/o the whole sex thing, then perhaps it is more than just sex that makes up a marriage.
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@deoangel, I think we're agreeing sort of. I agree there's probably people who wish the first time was different either in person or time however there are probably just as many who are perfectly at ease with that decision. This is why I say everyone should be ready both physically and emotionally for the ramifications of sex. If that ready comes by way of marriage more power to that person. If it doesn't that is not wrong either.
I might be misunderstanding your last comment but I don't think that because you've had sex in the past makes your marriage all about sex. Marriage has many complexions and sex is just one of them, there's love, trust etc etc etc. Sex is a very single part of our lives as humans.
At the end of the day sex isn't trial so we shouldn't treat it as such. And after it's all said and done we have to be willing to live with all the consequences involved.
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I waited for 4 years. I waited till after marriage, now some of you might consider that to be old fashioned, but then it is helping my marriage today. By the way got married to a virtuous woman, proud to say I'm the first. My old school advice, always wait till after marriage.
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try it before you buy it. sorry, but my sister waited until marriage and oh my god, the stories i could share. needless to say, two virgins who are clueless and have never watched a porn have no business screwing - because they won't know which hole to use or what they're doing. at all. LMAO
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Oh you mean my ex. lol Wow you must know him.
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I believe in fun before death. :-))-
you gotta live a little or a lot..
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It depend on each individual. 50 years ago, the society was still conservative and people followed traditional values. Parents were very concerned about the moral then.
Nowadays, many things had been changed. Moral drop further and people having this act younger and younger. How many people ready care all these? They only care about money, sensual enjoyment and forget all the moral things,Parents also never against it. But how many percent? I doubt. I believe these type of people still exist especially those who follow moral value strictly.
But those who can wait until the wedding day is the ready blessed one. I salute this type of people, they can control it and patient. -
I still say u can kinda test the waters w/out goin all the way to know if that person is who u want to marry or not....
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I agree, Holly.
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Thank ya very much...
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I believed it is perfectly normal to have sex before marriage. If you do choose to have sex before marriage, just don't confuse it with love because they are somewhat different. Keep in mind that when you make the decision to have sex there are consequences. Therefore, if you don't want to take responsibility then you may want to think twice about it.
Everybody's path is different so listen to your intuition and make your own decision.-
That would be lust not love if you haven't known them long.
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In today's culture I don’t think very many men are willing to stick around and hold off on sex until after married. Plus, I don't think there are very many virgins over age 21 left any more. But, I have no real proof to back me up on that. -
You may never find the one so why save yourself? Don't let any guy disrespect. If you meet a guy that respects you then enjoy life with him.
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Try before you buy!
Sex is an important way of communication in a relationship. So if that communication is not going well, it can put alot of pressure on your relationship. So just like you do not want to marry someone you've never talked to, you don't want to marry someone you never had sex with. -
You can save yourself for the one without getting married. I don't believe in random sex, it has to be in a committed relationship, and I'd have to love him. But that doesn't mean marriage necessarily. Has to mean that at that moment I know that we'll be/intend for the two of us to be together forever. It's how I've always thought about it, from the age of 10 or so. The idea of random sex grosses me out.
And a practical part to it is if I get pregnant I'd know that he'd stay with me.
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