Discussions
Parental Abuse
Posted by RoscoeAntHillz • 8/30/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: abuse, hitting, parenting, tantrums
Yesterday while leaving the park with my son, I witnessed a boy about 7 throw an intense temper tantrum because his mom would not let him hold a poster. He yelled and screamed, called her all types of nasty names. The grand finale was a powerful punch to the stomach. And as she picked up her phone to dial a # (help I assume) he cocked back poised to deliver another blow. What do u do in situations like that, most would say mind ur business but I felt a pang of guilt for walking by and gawking in disbelief. But I have a 4 year old boy to think about in a situation that's too unpredictable to intervene. Has anyone ever experienced parental abuse or witnessed it? I could NEVER imagine sean hitting me, he knows better than to even THINK about tantrums......is it bad parenting or passive parenting that allows such occurrences? Is it the childs temperament some personality disorder? I'm sorta flabbergasted and confused because I've never been face to face with this no matter WHAT research and reading I've done..
User Comments
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There could be any number of reasons for that child's behaviour, from poor parenting to emotional disturbance to neurological disorder. There's just no way to know what was going on.
I might have asked if she needed some help, but I clearly understand your reluctance to intervene. -
Ur r right, there are so many factors but I can't help but think what's going on at home with the parent to make him think its ok to hit ur mother. I mean, it didn't seem like the first time, IMO it should have been nipped in the bud on the first attempt. ur
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What if the kid is emotionally disturbed or neurologically compromised? Autistic? You don't "nip in the bud" that sort of thing.
It is important not to make assumptions where other people's kids are concerned. That child could have been an out-of-control brat...he could also have been autistic or mentally retarded. That's why I would first have asked if the mother needed some help. I have a friend who has an autistic son, ordinarily a sweet boy, but I can see him acting out like this if sufficiently frustrated.
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That is true......... Its easy to assume when u have never faced such behavior or kids with such disorders. So there was no way of me knowing. I can only speak from the perspective of a parent with a child who doesn't have those problems. I will have to admit it was shocking, like nanny 911 type of scenario. Thanks for the comment...
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Yah - I probably would have asked "Hey - is everything ok?"
And I might have tried to distract the child a little bit to give the mother a moment to catch her breath.
I'm like that tho - I'll talk to anyone and children respond to me.... Not that I like kids - LMAO - but they find me interesting. And if a child is throwing a tantrum - I'll walk up and say something like "BOO!" or "HI!"
Or something to briefly distract them - so that the parent can have a moment.
It is difficult tho - and I've gotten a variety of "GET OUT OF HERE Creepy Lady" looks from Trailer trash Drunken mothers - and the typical "what the hell" looks... But the ones that make it all worth while are the "Oh my gosh - thank you looks" from the mothers who have just about had as much as they can take and are about ready to lose it.
So - I try to help where I can. But sometimes you just have to do nothing too.
Sometimes children have mental or physical problems and the mother's reaction is the key to understanding things.
In this day and age - taking your kid and spanking him/her or reprimanding them in public has been drilled into our heads as abuse.... So some parents are afraid to react.
I remember the days that my mother would YELL out loud at me in the store if I did something wrong. These days - if you see a parent yelling - you're more likely to call the cops.
SO - it's partially society's fault for allowing such bad behavior to happen.-
i know what you mean, im usually the one who is very outgoing to people
but to be honest, this kid scared me and I had my 4 year old with me.
just last month, i saw a kid no older than 13 weilding a knife at some females as i drove past (police has just arrived) so I didnt want to take any chances putting my son in danger.
please, my mother would give me the "look" and i was all goody goody, so I know what u mean.
My son has only had a few tantrums in his life and non of them consisted of physical acting (throwing self on the floor, hitting etc)
he mostly just screamed LOUD.
but he knows that i WILL NOT hesistate to tap that little butt if need be in public, everyone watching can go kiss a brick because i firmly believe in spanking when necessary (and lucky for me, my son doesnt give me many excuses to do so, hes a good kid)
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Yea I read your FB blurb about that scene... At first I wanted to laugh, but then I thought about it. In my opinion if a child is bahaiving in that kind of way at age 7 they might have more deep seeded issues than just being a rowdy kid. For all we know, as observers, he IS autistic or has a mental disability that makes him hard to handle. I have a mentally disabled aunt who has a mentally disabled daughter. When she was young, she was a HUGE handful, but she was so young strangers would never have guessed she was mentally disabled. So from the outside perspective she just seemed to be a very out of hand child.
On the other hand, some kids are pacified way too much and never taught to have a respectful "fear" of their parents. I think I was afraid of my mother enough not to throw tantrums, and as I got older towards 6, 7, 8 years...that "fear" became a strong respect. I was a very well-behaived child because my parents put down the law. -
All you can probably do is ask if she needs any help. I agree that the behavior can stem from so many different reasons. If it is just a parenting problem, I wish I could suggest the Total Transformation. I have a defiant 13 year old. He has never gotten physically abusive, but man he can get very verbally abusive if you confront him. The Total Transformation has made a BIG difference in the way my son and I interact. -
this may not go over well but I see a trend of children striking out at parents and parents doing nothing about it. I was in shock the first time I stood and watched a friend's child react poorly to
"no" and saw him strike his mother. I could say that she tolerated that one time it because we were in public and she was embarassed but I'd heard the same child swear at her in the past. I once saw her daughter kick her in the store for refusing to buy the child what they wanted. Guess what the child left the store with... yup, what she wanted in the first place. amazing.
It's not always a child with developmental needs or a condition, it's more than likey a spoiled little booger of a child who never learned to accept "no" and was never taught that respecting parents is important. We're so worried about children's rights to be themselves and to express themselves that we are no longer teaching respect, responsibility, and the repercussions of poor behavior.
Sometimes a brat is just a brat and you have to wonder how a child behaves at home if that's how they behave in public. I'm using children I've watched grow over the years as my examples and not implying that every child who has a hissy in public is a brat. The ones I referred to were brats and their parents would claim to be their child's "friends" and would forget to be their child's parents.-
Well, I have to agree with you. Sometimes it is easy to spot those brats...like the kid I saw in Long's Drugs who badgered his mother mercilessly to buy him a toy, getting louder and more insistent and finally shouting at her...yes, this kid was a brat and his mother gave in and bought the toy after saying "no" ten times. She had taught him that "no" really doesn't mean "no," it means "keep escalating until I give in just to shut you up."
But other times, especially when the children of strangers are involved, it is not so clear. I have a friend in California who has an autistic child. He looks perfectly normal and is a little big for his age and when he has a public meltdown, people give my friend some very strange looks...there are times she has to engage him physically and anyone watching would very likely get the wrong impression.
I think, in observing the interactions of strangers and their children, we need to be careful about making judgments because we cannot possibly have all the information necessary to make accurate ones. -
I think you are right sv. I also have a friend who has an autistic child. He is actually a danger to his little bro and sis,but he can't help it.
Now you can tell though when a kid is being a bratt,and I have gotten on to them to. I believe it takes a village
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sometimes the stranger witnessing the tantrum should go over and give the child a talking too. i've done it before. scares the hell out of children throwing the trantrum and it also embarrasses them. people today are afraid to make their kids mind because they fear being called abusive. i say, if your kids are assholes, punish them. i have a nephew that's obnoxious, horrible and likes to be destructive. he has a mother that won't listen to any of the other family members about how she needs to make him mind. he does have ADHD and it took a few years before we finally convinced the woman she needed to take him to the doctor because most of what he was doing was not normal. he's on meds now but is still defiant and destructive, just not as bad as he had been. part of treating ADHD is making your kid mind so that they learn to try to control their behavior.-
I'm sorry, broke ur nose 5 times?
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Floormodel: u won't catch flack this time, I actually agree that some kids r just spoiled ass brats. I've witnessed it...but u really never know with strangers.
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A lot of things could be the issue here. Split families, spoiling the child or lack of rules. My oldest who is 7 went through a phase where she gave me a lot of trouble. She would kick and everything. Problem was and still is that I have rules, I take care of her getting her showered and clean clothes, get all her school stuff and cook her meals, etc. Her father has no rules at his house, doesn't enforce the clean up after yourself concept as he does not clean up after himself. Never cooks her food always eats out, doesn't buy her school stuff but always buys her expensive toys. She is with him enough for this to be a problem. Took a little bit and occasionally she gives me a hard time or fights me over rules (like most kids) but she is not violent toward me anymore. I have never hit my daughter but she has come to realize mommy is stronger and eventually calmed down and she learned respect. It was a battle at times!
Oh and she also learned that she doesn't want to see mommy mad as many people don't, takes a while and I mean a while for her to get me there but she doesn't like it.-
That sounds like my daughter. She is 13 and her dad and grandmother spoil her when she is there and I have rules and chores here so she doesnt think she should do them. She is slowly getting the picture and now we are going thru the teenager crap. -
Ayuh - ME too Amy - ME too... Agggg. The thirteens...
It's like a DEMON came in and ATE my daughter. -
Funny you should say that, WW....
My daughter was the sweetest, most malleable child...loved by virtually everyone who met her. And then she turned 14.
I used to say that when she was 14 my daughter was snatched by the fairies and a demonic changeling was left in her place, and my real daughter didn't get away and come home until she was 21...
Buckle your seatbelt, WW, it's gonna be a bumpy ride!
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My son bites, hits, has chased with knoves until we removed them all from the kitchen and locked them up. He has broken my nose 5 times and he is jut 5 years old. It is his Adhd that causes alot of it. I was told to sit him in time out and take something he liked away from him for x number of days according to the offense. Have a calander and make him mark it every day until he gets it back. It has slowed him down but he still flares up like today I would not give him change for those vending machines by the door at the store and he clawed my arm and left three holes in it. It gets worse when he is sick like now or when he doesnt get enough sleep or too much sugar. He is suppost to start counseling if it doesnt get any better with the treatement he is on. I hope he out grows it. He listens to his dad and doesnt do it to him.
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I empathize with you, Amy...he sounds a lot like my youngest (including the thing with the knives).
Many people who have never had to live with a child who has some kind of disorder that affects their behaviour cannot understand that the application of "spare the rod" discipline does more harm than good. It is like punishing a child for not listening when, in fact, he is hard of hearing.
I have learned that it is pointless to argue with them, too, as they are unwilling to acknowledge that sometimes a child is not "misbehaving" due to poor parenting or pure brattiness.
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Yall aren't gonna like this. Not one little bit. Watch MADEA plays. It is called spare the rod spoil the child. Would you rather nip it in the bud,when they are young and you are building a foundation for your kids to come back to when they hit those rebellious teenage years.
How about this. I would much rather catch my kids while they are young and spank their bootys,out of love not madness. OR. You can do nothing and let that kid hit those teenage years without fear of consequences and have he/she beat on you,or let the streets,drugs,jail,pregnancy or even death.
I'm not talking about beatings,I'm talking about if a kid throws a fit,or dare I say hit a parent. You calmly take he/she to bathroom spank their booty,and make them suffer the consequence of their actions. Then you have a talk about why they got it after they have had their time out.-
My son's daddy spanks him. I cant do it becaause it doesnt do any good. He just fights me and tries to hurt me more. My hubby say I do not do it right. But I just do what the counsler said to do and go with the flow.
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I never had to hit my daughter, I did stuff like grab her legs when she would kick and then pin her on the ground where I wouldn't hurt her but she realized she couldn't get up as I am stronger. That was the only way sometimes to get her to calm down to talk. One day she kept swinging toward my face and suddenly as her hand was coming up I bit her finger. I felt bad as I bit harder then I would've wanted to but again it was the only thing to get her to calm down. When I get steamed by her behavior which does take a lot she knows that she will definitely lose stuff. Toys get ripped out of her hand broken, thrown against the wall (almost out the window) my tone gets scary when I get that mad so I have been told by a few. Yes I try to teach her not to grab things out of people's hands but after fighting with her for over an hour to pick up and she is waving a toy in front of my face laughing, yup it is now broken. She is like a different person now though-still cries for attention sometimes but has learned we don't throw out of hand fits anymore at least not at Mom's.
However I do fully understand what you are saying about the spanking. -
Yeah that is now how it goes here
It took a while but my oldest is with me every other week and with her father every other week 
I know that had a lot to do with it so I tried to be a little more patient with her. But now she knows the law and her little sis pretty much knows the law tho she is at a defiant age of 3
Oops this was supposed to be down one
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Well I can't speak to everyone's situation either. I just know what works with mine. I also know that I'm the adult and I'm not going to argue with a 5 and 6 year old. what I say goes,period end of story. when they wanna get a job and pay the bills,then and only then will they have a say so. I'm the mama,and they're the kids.
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Oopsy daisy,wrong spot
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I'm sorry but if u start from very early on, the violence would never occur. There is NO reason for a child to hit their parents. Or to even feel like its ok. U can blame it on ADHD but that's bull crap. ADHD does NOT effect the "respect membrane". Its not a respect disorder. So a child can be hyper can have trouble learning, whatever. But that should NEVER be an excuse to hit or throw major fits. My son doesn't get his way all the time and he will pout and cry. He will even put himself in time out which basically means he's giving me the silent treatment. But he would never DARE to raise his hand at me or even raise his voice. And when I say cut it,he snaps his narrow ass back into shape. I hardly EVER have to hit my son because I put the fear and respect in early on. Parents need to stop being wimp pu*$#ies and stop tolerating these outbursts.
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can I get an AMEN!!!! Preach on sista.
I call it fife'n it.."barney fife"...NIP IT IN THE BUD...take em' when they're young and instill values,morals.disipline. so when they do stray,which every teenager does,they will have solid foundation to fall on.
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I was perhaps two when I muttered my first cuss word (stupid dolls, I still hate 'em) and vividly recall a hand applied to the scruff of my neck and the sensation of sailing through the air (so it seemed). Next thing I knew, I was spitting soap bubbles. I would be in my 30's before my parents heard me utter another cuss word. Had they been able to catch me, I would have been frothing once again.
I mention this because my parents lovingly and firmly set guidelines for my behavior. Getting my mouth washed out with soap didn't hurt me, but I learned my lesson.... Mom had grabbed my father's Lava soap. Blehhhh
The harried Mom you saw apparently lacks coping skills, and the young'n lacks boundaries. In those situations, I try to inject a little humor to distract the child. I smile and tell the Mom it's been a long time since my kidlets were that size .. then I make a weird, goofy face at the child. It derails their train of thought every time...and they become occupied trying to duplicate the goofy face.
That might not work for the good looking among you ...I'm just blessed with a Silly Putty face :, -
I am not a mother but was a child with temper tantrums. My brother and I had an old fashion way of up-bringing which consisted with a slight smack on the wrist or butt. Smacking is now frowned upon. I don't agree with hitting but a slight smack now and again will not harm a child.
I remember when I was a little girl when I wanted my parents to buy me something from the toy store, I would whinge, stomp and bawl. My parents always took this calmly and would explain to me why they can't buy the toy. They explained it in a way that I would understand. I would still be in a huff but the tantrums would stop. Children are intelligent in their own ways and are not stupid and if they think they can get away with it, they will try. Treating them like little adults, by explaining and communicating is like showing your respect towards their feelings because their tantrums are just their way of coping with frustrations and showing their feelings. In return that respect will be reciprocated.-
Between my catholic mother, christian father and their combined liberal ideology, if I even thought about a tantrum I would get a swift blow to the butt, followed by a, "I'm leaving you here"..finished by a GUILT trip from my mother. I think I only threw one tantrum and it wasn't in public. Publically embarrassing my parents would have resulted in the loss of butt-sensation.
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I've been sent to bed without dinner during one of my tantrums.
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Exactly! What mama says goes! There is no negotiations,compromises...when they wanna get a job pay the bills,then they can have a say. Biggest mistake moms make is argueing with a 6 yr. old or however old they are. You just don't do it....
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To all here, at what age would you start "disciplining" the child? Would it be a real age, or just based on the behavior pattern and level of cognition -
I feel that when the child hits their parents, it means there is no fear and respect towards them. and at the age of 7, they are somewhat aware that hitting ur parents is wrong, and disresectful. but it all depends on how their parents treat them. am fine with slapping and spaking a child, of course not knocking them out, but hard enough to make them realize its wrong. so maybe this mom does it way too often, for things that dont deserve a slap, and the kid seeing that he gets it soo often thinks he will hit her back, as a way to tell her stop hitting me or i will hit you back. ive never done such a thing just to clarify this -
When I was 7 I used to be bullied by some kids. I have a feeling that those kind of kids pick up violent messages from the movies
Maybe one should look at the company they have and visit the school or something just to get an idea. Perhaps the kid was just behaving like the rest of his posse -
amy:
"But I just do what the counsler said to do and go with the flow"
obviously this councelor isnt the one getting hit and disrespected.
you might blame his behavior on a disorder, but if he doesnt do it with his dad, THEN HE SHOULDNT DO IT TO YOU
it sounds like he has learned who he can f$#% with and who he cant....
and it sounds like mom is the weaker link (to him of course)
now, i cant tell you how to raise your child, but I can say that little boy has passed his bounds a long time ago and that s$#% needs to be reigned in....
knives? you have GOT to be kidding me!!!!
now, ive always been a smart a$# and my mother for the most part let me say my peice because she knew I would NEVER take it beyond a certain level in her presence and she respected the need for children to express themselves (with respect)
and my mom RARELY had to raise her hand
but let me tell you:
when i was about 17, i got in trouble for something that wasnt what it seemed (due to an instigating step dad and my mom later apologized) but instead of me calmly explaining to her that i wasnt in the wrong, i was so indignant that i yelled at her and tried to push pass her in the hallway (not even a push, more of a "can u move please" with sarcasm
BOY WHY DID I DO THAT?
she grabbed me by my hair, pulled me to the floor and proceeded to drag me down the hallway while she "explained" to me wtf respect was!!!
and NOT ONCE did I think about defending myself...
now that might be extreme for some, and if that was a regular occurance, there might have been a problem, but i can seriously count on my hand the amount of times IN MY LIFE that my mom raised her hand to me for discipline.
some times you gotta f$#% a child up for them to know thier place
parents are letting kids run them, and parents are hiding in corners like wimpy little chicken sh$#s cause they are scared of "damaging" the child, or being labeled an abuser...
my mom had this saying "if u EVER disrespect me, i will beat u down, then call the police and TELL them I did it, and if the police have a problem, they can get it too..."
and that was in response to the surge of children who called 911 on thier parents....my mom wasnt havin that AT ALL
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