Discussions
Relationship Dynamics
Posted by Dukepro25 • 1 year ago • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS]
Topics: relationships
Ok all you people out there.
More specifically you people who are in relationships or have been in relationships.
What works?
What doesn't work?
Does age play a factor?
Does having had past relationships affect the trust factor of your relationship?
Do you trust your partner 100%?
What are things that couples "should" always do together?
What way is best to handle finances?
Thanks ~ Duke (Single)
User Comments
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It all boils down to a willingness to make it work.
Without that, you got nothing. -
Being honest and up front as close to 100% of the time as you can manage works. Anything else doesn't, even when it seems like it is.-
"Willingness" to be honest.
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Yep, I'll go along with that. You beat me to posting by five seconds, so your response wasn't there yet when I started writing. But I do think that you can be willing to make the effort and still go about it all wrong and muck it up--willingness has to be coupled with some kind of clue as to what's really going to yield a healthy relationship.
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"But I do think that you can be willing to make the effort and still go about it all wrong and muck it up"
Willingness to forgive
Keep trying.
BTW, it bodes well for me that speed impresses you
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"BTW, it bodes well for me that speed impresses you"
Why, darlin'...were you tryin' to impress me? Ah had no idea... -
Yeah well, that was an hour ago.
I'm ready for another round -
Hey, MadameX has never called me darlin'.
I'm jealous. (which by the way isn't too good for relationships either). -
She even used that sexy southern accent
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I noticed that.
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I believe both partners have to go through personal growth and maturity before even considering getting into a relationship or it will be a struggle...-
Almost married a girl.
We were young though.
I didn't feel like she had matured and that it wouldn't of worked had we actually gotten married.
I'm positive, had we gotten married, it would of ended up in divorce.
Haven't regretted it since. -
So Duke, you weren't "Willing" to stick around for her to mature?
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Ummm...
No!
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What works?
- Similar personalities. I do not believe in opposites attract -theory.
What doesn't work?
- Trying to have a relationship with someone with mental problems. Anything from depression to narcissistic personality disorder. (Relationship with psychopathic serial killers apparently work, but I wouldn't recommend it.)
Does age play a factor?
- Yes. How much and in what direction is individual.
Does having had past relationships affect the trust factor of your relationship?
- It shouldn't. I refer to my earlier answer to what doesn't work.
Do you trust your partner 100%?
- Yes.
What are things that couples "should" always do together?
- Decide on how to raise the children.
What way is best to handle finances?
- Both parties have to be at least somewhat aware of the financial situation. If the other one isn't, there should be some sort of an arrangement that the unaware party doesn't over spend. Like a separate account for reckless spending. -
What works?
Honesty, and, whatever else the couple needs to make it work. For my husband and I, we need a healthy dose of all out no holds barred name calling and fighting once in a while. We also like to make fun of each other relentlessly. That works FOR US.
What doesn't work?
Trying to be the "perfect couple" and/or pretending to be something you're not - and pretending the relationship is something it's not.
Does age play a factor?
For some people it does. But I would say maturity - not age - is more of a factor. it takes an adult mentality to really make a relationship work.
Does having had past relationships affect the trust factor of your relationship?
Maybe - all of your past experiences will influence your current ones, so yeah - but as for how much? Depends on how crazy the person is.
Do you trust your partner 100%?
No, I don't trust anyone but my father 100%. My husband is as high on the list as it gets, though.
What are things that couples "should" always do together?
Cooperate.
What way is best to handle finances?
Joint decision making on purchases and budgets - let ONE person handle the details and bill paying though.-
About pretending....
Life is so much frakin better if you just be you.
The people who like you will find you, the people who don't will mostly avoid you and everything is simpler and easier to enjoy.
I heard a song on the radio the other morning and the only thing I remember is the line.
"I'd rather have you hate me for everything I am than have you love me for something I'm not".
I'm getting that put on a tee shirt. -
Exactly. That way, no one's expectations will be squashed when they finally realize that yes, my spouse farts, spits, and has morning breath. Yes, s/he is cranky and doesn't always do the dishes, and yes, we fight!
Being realistic is so much better, and understanding that the quirks of your relationship is what makes it special, not the other way around!
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Have any of you read David Deida's work on relationships and sex. It's really fascinating. The current 50:50 relationship, where a couple each contributes equally, sharing in tasks while far better than the dependent, role driven relationship of the 50s, has resulted in relationships that lack passion because we are minimizing our masculine and feminine essences - the result being depolarization.-
Interesting
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@Duke, get the book, Way of the Superior Man.
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That "role driven" relationship "of the 50s" served pretty well for a couple of thousand years. What exactly makes this thing we have going on today "far superior"?
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I like roles.
I like knowing expectations.
I like disambiguation.
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Question: Is "trying" to hard just as bad as not being willing to make things work?
Point - Can couples try to "fix" the relationship to the point were it actually breaks it?
Or...should you just trust the other person to do their part?-
No.
But ultimately a relationship requires two people. If both are not on board it is not a relationship. -
Duke,
I think that's where the honesty comes in... Being honest about who the other person is -- I mean really is -- is just as important as being truthful about who you are and what motivates you.
Keep your eyes open and decide what you are and are not willing to accept.
I have a great relationship with my husband, and I have to say that this is the first relationship in which I have been entirely open to another person's faults. There is no changing him -- I love him for his foibles. They are actually endearing. And my man loves me even when I'm sick or snarky or exhausted (or pregnant, which can include the whole list!)
We are not perfect. But we are in a relationship that works for us.
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COMMUNICATION!
Without that and trust, nothing else matters.-
Agreed
Communication is HUGE!!! -
Ahem, "Willingness" to communicate
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Haha, FINE....It's a good start anyway
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Do something, every day, that is JUST for the other person.
Be honest.
Understand that no one is perfect. It helps to start with someone who's faults are things that do not matter too much to you.
Never ever end the day still angry and unresolved.
Understand that it IS possible to be angry and still love.
As Tony pointed out, passion is important. Find something about your partner to be passionate about. Try to make this something they will appreciate (hint for the guys, being passionate about one of her body parts won't cut it).
Be interested. genuinely interested. Don't waste time asking stupid questions you don't care about the answers to, like "So, how was your day". They can have that conversation with their mother. Ask something that means something. And be interested in the answer. probe for more information.
Love is not a commodity. Nor is it a feeling. Love is a decision to make this persons interests as important to you as your own.-
Dane those are great words of wisdom. And I thought you were simply a web geek
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Well, mostly I am.
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PrincessQuello said what I said, and did it a lot more succinctly I think.
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I'm a woman of many words when it comes to relationships but it all boils down to what I said...
Because really...everything else becomes moot if you can't trust in what the other person is saying. -
Oh you're so...sweet and...cuddly!
*shudder*
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Ain't I though?
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To answer your questions, a book needs to be written. It's impossible to summarize in a short form -
When I was married we would always go out to dinner two nights a week.
She went on Tuesdays I went on Thursdays.-
So nothing has changed since you got divorced.
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The sex has gotten better and more frequent
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lol
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But the dishes have piled up and you can't find your "Where's the beef?" T shirt. -
That's so cute,
You think she left the dishes and clothes. -
That never worked out for me either...
First time I got away with the shirt on my back.
Second time, she asked for the shirt. -
Shirts and dishes aren't that important compared to....
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Sanity?
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The Xbox always get the Xbox, and that's not a euphemism for MadameX's lady bits.
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Anyone care to admit any mistakes they made in their marriages.
For all us newbs of course.-
My biggest fault has always been, simply, not being there. I have always done work that involves long hours and extensive travel.
I have ruined two marriages this way. I'm struggling with the third, for this same reason. I work a LOT of hours, and it is a strain. -
Thanks for sharing Dane.
I can see how that had a negative effect on your marriages.
For that very same reason I lost my GF. -
I am demanding and OCD, and that can be a serious strain.
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The only advice I would give is that, when conflict arises, be sure you're listening as much as you're talking.
I have to really remind myself to quiet down and give my husband time to express himself, take it in, and respond thoughtfully. I can't get my back up because I'm afraid to "lose" by not yielding to good sense. At the same time, I have to do what I can to understand that we are different people who see problems and their solutions differently sometimes. We each have to be willing to yield to the other from time to time, because we're both strong, smart people. There is something wonderful in the simple statement a husband can make to a wife (or vice-versa)"That's not how I would do it, but I trust you. Let's try it your way." It was a good year or so into my marriage before we hit on that solution to conflict, and it has really worked.
Another important thing is for both people to retain an individual identity. I think part of the reason so many women in "traditional" relationships felt unfulfilled in times past is that they weren't free to become anything but Mrs. EnterHusband'sNameHere. No partner should serve the other to their own detriment. "Losing yourself" in a relationship is just not healthy. We both serve each other in different ways and according to our talents, but there isn't one of us who is always in control. There is balance, and we are *allowed* to be different people.
And, the last thing I'll write is that newly married couples should have adventures together throughout their marriage. Whenever my husband and I do something totally new, it strengthens our bond because we're interacting in a totally different way, we're seeing a new aspect of each other that helps us keep falling in love. Each set of our parents have been married over 40 years, and I would say they follow that same rule. Grow together by taking the time to do more than just occupy the same house or raise the kids. -
Me and my GF went on a date and we were out and about. A woman over heard me say, "You're right." She stopped us and asked if we were married and I said no. She said to my GF, you'd better keep this one. lol
I thought that was funny. -
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I believe that a couple wanting to make a relationship work must on the onset set agreed limits, be willing to communicate and discover each person's limits.
Sometimes, a personality trait can't be undone as much as work can't be avoided which sometimes affect our domestic time.
In my experience, if a couple don't want to compromise or have a give and take formula for everyday conflicts like purchases, room decorations and what activities to do together ... they should just end it no matter how hard ... don't ya think so too? -
One marriage (divorce) and 4 long term (2-5 years) relationships later - I've realized that you can't change people. So when the "magic" starts to wear off, are your basic values and principles compatible or does the other person's views, beliefs and little quirks, annoy you? Small annoyances can grow into a divide and basic values don't change. Knowing the other person's faults and accepting them is the key. If you can't accept their faults - it won't work, no matter how hard you try.
What I thought that love was, in my twenties, is not at all what I think it is, in my forties. I think that's because I know myself better now, than I did then.-
This post is going to end up as a quote on my blog at some point.
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"So when the "magic" starts to wear off, are your basic values and principles compatible or does the other person's views, beliefs and little quirks, annoy you?"
Basic principles and values are just as important as communication, if not more so.
If you both have a different value system, then that is a built in wedge that will make it all that much harder.
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Don't believe the "opposites attract" BS!!! Find someone who is not only like you in beliefs and personality, but also who likes to do the things you like. It's sad to see my parents drift apart b/c they have nothing in common now that the kids have moved out.-
My husband have many differences...one could even say that we are a case of opposites attract. But our differences are complementary rather than conflicting. It works. -
That's what I thought at first with my ex husband.
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I have very simple relationship rules:
1. I never ask for permission
2. I never give permission
while in a relationship I do not have any rights over the other person, nor they over me, we are simply choosing to share our lives together. On that note, I make my decisions as I would a single man, and whole heartedly support my partner to do the same. when she wants to go out all night with the girls then she does and vice versa. we give each other the consideration of telling what we plan to do and then let the other party offer an alternative. basically if we dont like being together then we will end it, but until that day arrives we are both just two humans trying to enjoy the ride that is life and have some good times along the way...p.s we have been like this for over a decade!-
So then you would, for example, just take a job that required you to move across the country and then let her know and she could decide after the fact to accompany you or not?
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Tiffany - I see a difference between "giving permission" and talking over a big decision, and coming to a compromise or solution.
I think it creates an awkward inequality in a relationship if one partner has to say "Hunny, can I go out tonight with my friends?" and actually require the permission of their partner, or else they can't go.
VS
"Hunny, so and so wants to go out tonight, and I'd like to go, did you have any plans or would you like to come?" And wait for an actual conversation, rather than just permission.
Know what I mean? -
Well, if you have to ask like that, than the relationship regresses in to a Parent/Child relationship.
"Yes Hunny. You can go out with your friends, but be sure to be back by 10. And no rough housing. I don't want you coming home with a broken nose. Don't forget the milk on your way home." lol
You both should be on equal ground as far as I'm concerned.
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No matter how much advice we may offer, the best way to figure it out is to jump in and see what happens. Use good moral judgement and do not go overboard. Have fun.-
Ok!
Anyone want to volunteer?
Where’s the BC minister when you need one?
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Be yourself and truly care about what your other half likes and thinks. There are no special formulas,chemistry and having fun are good. -
If it matters to you it matters.
As far as finances, let me encourage you to stay away from debt. Nothing encourages more finger pointing and stress than debt. Pay with cash or don't buy it if at all possible. Also, choose your battles. You'll always have small arguments and disagreements but each of you should remember that the other one is good hearted (assuming that's true) and not sweat the small stuff.
Also take a look at www.marriagesaver.com
Or if you're looking to find a relationship see www.realchristiansingles.com-
RCS, I see that you're new here, so please take this in the (friendly) spirit in which it is intended--you might want to lighten up on the advertising a bit and just converse.
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u have been replied back and that too +vely at the name analysis thread..-
just for the sake of the fact that evrything is free ! maybe it be just anyone
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Hey I know this is slightly off topic but the major problem today in relationships is the level of apathy since the 1960's not the little issues you raise for discussion. The Free Love generation was actually a total failure
check this out www.fliggo.com/video/NTtenBNg -
it dependz -
Why is the divorce rate so high now-a-days?
Is it the actual relationships, or is it outside forces like finances, stress, anxiety?
Or...
Are people wising up and getting out when they know it won't work instead of staying in a dead-end relationship.
Or both?-
There are many factors. One is that people are living much longer. Another one is that our society is much less "team or family oriented" than it used to be. The focus today is on the individual's happiness, instead of "taking one for the team." Also, today it is much easier to get a divorce and many states have "no fault" divorce laws. Divorce is not even much of a taboo today in most churches, so religious motivation to stay married isn't much of a factor.
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I agree - People are less inclined to stay together because the stigma of divorce has pretty much vanished.
I think finances also play a big part in divorces. -
Big yes on the finances. Women make their own money and can afford to leave.
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Flatter your partner, never point out his/her mistakes...relationship will work
But one thing is for sure this attitude doesn't last......I hope I'd remembered it. -
What are things that couples "should" always do together?
Sex. If you find yourself in the midst of having sex with someone other than your partner, there is obviously a problem.-
lol
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