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Sex and Kids: What We Say vs. What They See
Posted by ThePureBed • 3/03/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: children, education, ethics, home, intimacy, kids, marriage, parent, sex, society
What should we be aware of as parents when it comes to the visual messages we send our children when mom and dad interact physically in their presence?
In a day or so, My husband and I are going to begin a series of blog posts about issues related to educating our kids about sexuality.
I'd love your input on the following thought. Clearly, we are to teach our children about dealing with their sexuality. Whether it is about teaching them how to select someone with whom to spend the rest of their life...or sharing the mechanics of their sexual response system and the physical aspects of intercourse, our words are absolutely necessary to correct or give context to what our kids see and hear in the world about sex.
However, equally powerful is the demonstrations of sexual affection they see in the home, right? While they are not watching mommy and daddy make love, they do see the kisses, sweet caresses and hear the words of affirmation we share.
The question is large. We'd appreciate your views
User Comments
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I'm kind of creeped out...and you're not even my parents... -
I'm no parenting expert, so I can only really talk about my experiences as a child.
My parents were never explicitly sexual around me or my brother, but we knew what they were doing in their room when the door was locked. We knew what sex is since I was 7 years old, after all.
My parents give each other quick kisses before they part ways, but never for extended periods of time.
How did we turn out?
My brother, who turns 21 in June, was at a party a few years ago when some shit went down and he was the only person there who did not participate in the double murder that took place. He has a girlfriend and he uses condoms. He works at Wal Mart, but he's also a musician.
I'm still a virgin, but not due to any religious reasons or anything crazy like that. I turn 20 in October, and I'm a college freshman on my way to a Doctorate in Computer Engineering. Total nerd, yes, but somewhat responsible.
tl;dr version: My parents weren't explicit around us, but they did educate us and we turned out alright. -
"Whether it is about teaching them how to select someone with whom to spend the rest of their life"
You can't teach that. If it could be taught, 50% of marriages wouldn't end in divorce and everybody would live happily ever after. Part of growing up is experiencing heart-break and no amount of parental guidance can EVER help prevent this from eventually happening. Short of arranged marraige, your kids WILL go through several relationships, many of which will eventually fail. That's part of being human. People are not robots and over time everyone changes, so there is no trick that can be taught for finding "the right one." Tell your kids what sort of people to avoid - abusive people, uneducated and unmotivated people... After that though, kids are on their own and will quickly experience the ins and outs of relationships. Be there for them if they need advice, but don't think that you can single-handedly keep them from ever experiencing a failed relationship. -
No need to be creeped out. Kids see their parents kiss all the time and be playful with one another...
As far as not being able to teach our kids how to select a mate, well... I hope we can influence their thinking on what they want by watching us and also about talking to them about the inportant of honesty, faithfulness and commitment.
Certainly, we have a number of relationships, typically, before we find 'the one'. My point is not getting it right the first time. My point is about how kids view their parents marriage and incorporate that into what they eventually want in their own.
More to the point, what messages are they picking up from their parents about sexuality and what is/is not healthy for a relationship? -
Most important is not hiding things; that doesn't mean you have to share everything, but sharing age appropriate information about health, love, values and sexuality. Second most important is consistency - "Do as I say, not as I do." won't fly for a minute with kids. They're not that stupid.-
Truer words were never spoken! Sometimes it seems we are born wise and get dumbed down everywhere thereafter. : )
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Oh, you are hitting a sore spot. I agree with you.
I did take a lot of heat when it came to teaching sexuality to my daughter over time. My spouse couldn't do it. My daughter didn't get it at church. She didn't get it at school. Was I to let her be an ignoramus when she had so many questions about sex? If anyone deserved the truth it was the one I was raising.
So I gave her sex education, largely using my anatomy-physiology book from college. I taught her about choices, about expectations, about responsibilities and law. I taught her about choices in birth control.
When the church found out about it, all kinds of accusations and anathemas flew.
But she was 20 when she had her first time. She insisted that she and her boyfriend both get contraception, and even testing for diseases beforehand. When she did tell me that she engaged in sex for the first time she said, You were right. It is beautiful."-
Ah what a great share! Sorry about the hositlity you encountered but how wonderful that you loved enough to prepare your daughter for God's greatest gift of procreation to be honored as a natural and beautiful event. Thank you.
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Mom and Dad get kisses and they smile, happy with each other, my friend is now not happy, I should kiss her and we can both happy together again. and if I wanna my friend happy for a lifetime, I should kiss her long enough, and maybe with a big hug. ??
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Out of personal experiences, I can't really contribute anything since I've known from day 1 that my mom and dad don't really get along with each other.
Although I do remember something from the show 7th Heaven. Lucy, I think, was curious about sex and wanted to learn more about it, despite her being too young as her mother sees her. So her mom decided to tell this story:
"On Valentines day, your father and I forgot that it was Valentines because we were both very busy with church and work. I didn't prepare anything for the occassion but your father remembered when he was about to come home. He bought me a bar of Hershey's chocolate and I apologized for having forgotten. It was stormy and we had to stay home when there was a sudden blackout. It was a good thing though because we got to snuggle under a blanket in front of the fireplace.
"That was the day that you were conceived."
I might not be very accurate with how she told the story, but I thought it was heart-warming. And a unique way to introduce kids about sex. -
However you do it... please do it! There are too many unwanted "mistakes" in the world now. All paying the price for unprotected sex by those too young and undeducated to know about the value of life. There are too many young people already suffering from a life time sentence of STD's because they didn't know how to protect themselves. It is nothing less than child abuse to fail to teach your children the joys of sex and the responsibilities of sex.
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No, child abuse is destroying a child's self-esteem. It has nothing to do with teaching about the joys of sex.
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