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ChildPerson

Should child abuse survivors just shut up and get on with their lives?

Posted by ChildPerson • 4/07/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: breaking the chains, child abuse, intergeneratonal cycles, perpetrators, survivors, victims

I've devoted the last 20 years to learning about child abuse. I've researched it formally and informally via a multidisciplinary approach rather than becoming a specialist in any one direction. It was important to me not to buy into one theory or another and close my mind around it as a drowning man grasps any old piece of driftwood as much for the illusion of hope as in any belief that it will keep him afloat.

The first 2o years of my life I lived with child abuse as a victim. The second 2o years I continued the cycle as an abuser. I'd like to live the next 20 years free from abuse.

The shadow cast by child abuse lasts a life time...

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User Comments

  1. jafabrit
    4/07/09
    jafabrit
    I think survivors should do what feels right for them and if that means talking about it or not, so be it.

    I remember being told I shouldn't talk about it and also it might scare people away. Well it did scare some away from being friends but those were the people I didn't need or want in my life. For me, getting on with life meant not sweeping it under the carpet but talking about it, confronting it, processing it and then dealing with it. Nowadays I don't feel the need to talk about it, but I will discuss it if it is relevant to a conversation (such as here) or relates to artwork I have done that addresses the issue.
    [reply]
    1. ChildPerson
      4/07/09
      ChildPerson
      Me too.
  2. fruitcake
    4/07/09
    fruitcake
    My father was abused as a child. He chose to forgive and forget. I thank him for that as he did not "carry the torch" on to me and my brothers.

    Why would anyone want to hang on to something like that?
    [reply]
    1. jafabrit
      4/08/09
      jafabrit
      That seems to have been the right decision for him fruitcake, but not for everyone.
      We each have different sets of problems as a result of abuse (and depending on the type of abuse), the family dynamics, physical results, personalities, ruined educations, social and economic circumstances depends on how each is able to come to terms with it, or recover from it.
      It isn't a matter of hanging onto something, it is a matter of finding a way to come to the same point as your father.

      While I harbor no hatred in my heart for my abuser (he faced the consequences for his actions), he hasn't earned the right to be forgiven, and to forget what happened is a ridiculous notion. Everything that happens to us whether it is good or bad shapes who we are.
    2. Shiley
      4/08/09
      Shiley
      I have a responsibility to my children to be honest and teach empathy for other humans. My kids will never know what I went through but I'm not going to hide either.
    3. ChildPerson
      4/09/09
      ChildPerson
      I can't imagine why anyone would want to hang on to something like that either. I am so very happy for you that your father was able to forgive and forget and to break the intergenerational cycle of abuse.
      I am also happy that I received help in time to break the cycle and get help for my children while they were still children.
      And I am happy that I've been able to help them recover as much as possible.
      And I am happy that I am able to help other abused children and the parents that abuse them.
  3. satijournal
    4/07/09
    satijournal
    If you were an abuser for 20 years of your life, you have the responsibility for the rest of your life to make it up to your children. The fact that you were abused doesn't make it all right.
    [reply]
    1. SweetViolet
      4/08/09
      SweetViolet
      Amen to that
    2. ChildPerson
      4/09/09
      ChildPerson
      You are absolutely right, again satjounal...nothing I ever do will ever make it all right.

      I believe if you spoke with my children you would find I do everything possible to make it up to them and to protect my grandchildren from any continuation of the cycle.

      And, satijournal, I did one of the most difficult things a mother might ever be called upon to do... I assisted the court in ending parental rights of one of my daughters so that my grandson could be adopted and have a chance at a happy healthy life.

      Plus I devote my time, energy and resources to educating others about child abuse so other children may be spared...

      And all of it together will never make up for anything I ever did to my children.
  4. intarso
    4/09/09
    intarso
    everyone deals with their issues in different ways.
    [reply]
    1. ChildPerson
      4/09/09
      ChildPerson
      Yes... and show me a person who has nothing of which to be ashamed and I'll show you Christ incarnate.

      Those who will attack me now do so only from a deep well of pain. One that I share with them. I understand and if it helps them to heal to state the obvious, that is a good thing.

      Child abuse is horrible. It is inhumane and indefensible. No argument from me on that.
  5. BigBearLaker
    4/09/09
    BigBearLaker
    Just because you were abused by your parents (in my case my dad) does not mean you yourself need to pass on this so-called irreversible trait.

    That's BS.

    Not a day goes by that I re-live those days and makes me question every move I make with my own kid's.

    Is it wrong to make Friends with you kids FIRST before being a parent? Maybe so, but being a good friend and listening to what they have to say (and gaining their trust) first, is much more important to me then becoming the jack ass I could of easily become by following my example.
    Just because I had to live my beginning years of this life the way I did, does not give me the right to pass on something I would not wish on anybody, especially my own kids.

    They are indeed my Best Friends!
    [reply]
  6. kat822
    4/09/09
    kat822
    glad you stopped the cycle
    [reply]
  7. ArsenicCookies
    4/09/09
    ArsenicCookies
    Depends on the person. Some are defined by it and some are motivated to excel as a result of it. Of my family there are 3 siblings, I have completely moved on from any/all abuse and did not repeat or dwell, my middle brother has trust issues and brings it up often as a way to get the girls he dates to forgive some ludicrous behaviours and my youngest is defined by it. He wont ever keep it quiet, even though he had the lightest load. He will more than likely repeat the cycle. It all depends on how well they cope.
    [reply]
  8. ChildPerson
    4/11/09
    ChildPerson
    [reply]
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