Discussions
Should Men Pay for the First Date?
Posted by lotusb • 7/06/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: first dates
I had this discussion with my cousin the other day and thought her view point was pretty interesting. She said that she thinks if a man really wants to get to know her, date her, and so forth..that he will pay the first date as kind of a gesture of interest. TRUE interest.
I on the other hand said that I like to at least offer to pay my half, OR what I most often do is casually say, "This round of drinks is on me"...I don't ask, and I simply slap down my $20 in a kind of flirtatious way. I do this and usually get a response that he is impressed, although I don't do it for his benefit, but simply to say, "I'm having fun and this date is not just up to you, we are BOTH on it and I want to take part in it."
My cousins said she thinks that is opening yourself up to moochers and men who will see an independent woman and want to see what else she'll pay for...I on the other hand disagree.
Where do YOU stand?
User Comments
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whoever invited should pay on a first date. but it's still nice to offer to split.-
I think thats one way to see it. Although that can be a sticky situation...if I say "we should do something" and he says "oh yea there is this great greek place I've been meaning to go to, you wannt try that?" then who pays??
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whoever brings the idea of going out does.
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I Think that Man should pay for the first and all the time!
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I thought "dating" died in the 60s. Shows how dated I am. Our idea of dating was jumping in the hot tub together.-
Awww...NP!!
Dating is still very much alive! And it's getting a little more fun since the "gentleman" has made a comeback! -
Oh where is the gentleman Lotusb?
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@Paris
There are tons of them! I've met quite a few, although to be honest, most of them are not from the US. I guess that's the key....get a man with an accent... -
Funny you should say that, lotus...my husband is not from the US...
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I at least offer, but I do agree that the who ever asked for the date should pay.
I once dated this guy who insisted that we always split the bill, that's when I knew it wasn't going to work.-
Well yea...insisting that you always split it is kind of gross too. I think there is a certain amount of effortlessness that should come with paying the bill. I prefer to just speak up and say, "Let me get this one" to balence things out. Or "I'll pay for the movie and you get dinner".
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I agree. Haggling over the bill irritates me to no end.
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I just don't like this old fashioned beleif that a man should hold the reins in a new relationship. Like HE is the only who has to show his worth and HE is the one who should pay and HE should call first and HE should work for the *ass*....what about the women...we jus sit back with a clipboard tallying up his progress? Blech...can't stand that kind of mentality. I think it's why so many men prefer to be single...they avoid the game altogether.
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usually it has to be men to offer first. if the girl offers then so be it. but i think a gentleman should be the one to make the first move.-
This is so 50s! It's freaking me out!
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That is a little old fashioned, but hey whatever floats your boat! I think paying is sweet, like I said I offer but almost always get turned down. I know a few girls who go out on dates with out ANY money on them...confident it's totally compt night. In my opinion a classically bad mistake.
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This is so 50s! It's freaking me out!
Me too. I'm lol ...
I ♥ being married. -
When I think about dating (again) when I was so close to settling down, my head hurts. But the possibility of meeting someone amazing who dosen't have first date pay protocol is something to look forward to..Still, I'm jealous of TT...and others who are happily married.
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LOL don't take me seriously i don't even do that.
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My dating payment rule of thumb....if I invite a guy out I will pay for my portion of the date....if a guy invites me out he is footing the entire bill. If I a in a serious relationship with a man I will pay on birthdays and other "couple" special ocassions for both of us.
I tend to agree with your cousin, if a man is really intersted in you on the first date he wouldn't expect you to foot any part of the bill. All the rest of the dates follow the rules above.-
Ok, you have yours down to a science then! I guess every woman has her own view on this. I personally don't like things like that to be so structured. I prefer not to beleive that a man's interest is in anyway tied to who pays for the bill...I think that's more of a woman's thought process. I think a man is more interested in what you wear to the date, how you carry yourself, what you have to say and how well your able to hold your liquor than anything else. I know plenty of men who will pay for dinner just to get a girl out of his face.
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@Lotusb, I am pretty married to those rules but not 100% of the time depends on the feel of the date. Also I am not one of those stupid girls who doesn't bring enough money to pay in case I am dealing with (unknown prior to the date) a douchebag who is looking to stick me with a check. It happens...women shouldn't expect that men are always gonna ante up.
I don't disagree with you that men are probably more concerned with other date dynamics....pretty much with me the rules came out of some awkward situations. One in particular I was dating this guy who had some insecurities about his finances and when I offered to pay he got all don't disrespect me by trying to flaunt your money in my face yada yada yada...of course that was just an insecurity thing but it stuck in my head. -
Damn! Yea I would be a bit scarred by that too. I had a breakfast date incident, where my "date" suggested we dine and ditch. I politely paid my half and then went outside and called a cab...
Men like that give dating a bad name.
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I think who has bigger money should pay.
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Meaning if I go out with an English fellow he should pay because the pound is a sufficiently larger note than our dollar bills?
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Nice to offer, but I think the guy should pay, without a doubt. In my world, if you're on a date and the guy doesn't pay for both, it wasn't really a date.-
And my all means, so be it. I'd rather offer, and be turned down than not offer at all...
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Im always down for a free meal. Rarely will I foot the entire bill way too much money. Especialy for a first date because I dont know if I like her. And dating multiple women would mean 15-20 dollars a day every other day.-
Oh and I should note that is in regards to dinner. I try to avoid taking them to a resturant
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$15-$20...where the heck are you going?....1932!??
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Most restarants are 7+ a plate plus I usually tip 3-5 bucks.
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Most resturants are actaully a bit more than that, but I suppose there are some that cost $7. I can understand your theory...if your dating a new girl every other day it's hardly worth even the smallest investment.
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Yeah which is why I try to avoid going to dinner. Mini golf , pool hall, the park whatever else may pop in my head. IF I do decide to take her out for food its usually for dessert or lunch.
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You should write a book, my friend. There is a slew of college guys who would benefit from your Yoda-like wisdome regarding dating several honnies every week.
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Haha. Im good but im not that good. Im still learning myself.
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Although I always offered to pay my half, I believe if you ask, you should pay. -
I too think the one doing the asking out should pay on the first date unless the other party volunteers in some way. -
I'm a shy, lonely, somewhat reclusive nerd. If it will get me a date, I'll not only buy dinner, drinks and whatever on the first date; I'll also validate parking. In addition, I'm 56, so I'm from a generation where the guy usually did pick up the tab on the first date in the "good old days". -
We're in a recession at the moment - it's every man and woman for themselves.
Why go out when you can cook a perfectly good and inexpensive meal at home, plus it's more intimate - and then you can hire out a dvd instead of paying the price for two to see a movie at the cinema-
I love it when a man cooks for me!
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And I love to cook. I wonder if a lot of people like it when other people cook for them. Hmm... -
My other half always says that she doesn't care what I cook up - the fact that she doesn't have to cook herself is the main thing
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That's a good idea, but for a first date? I'm terrified to bring a girl over that I don't know. Or maybe I should just stop seeing all the crazy people.
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I think most women are impressed by a man cooking. So, my advice to all men. Learn one recipe and make it your signature dish. Whip it out whenever you want to impress a woman (or a man, however your arrow may point).
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It's funny because every guy I've dated cooks better than me...and loves showing off his skill. I say...go for it! You cook.
As far as paying for a date, I'd rather that the guy pay..lol But that doesn't mean that I won't reciprocate and buy dinner another time. But if he can't even pay on the first date then he's a gonner. Dcarrol women love manly men...don't give up. -
Usually when I whip it out they are impressed.
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Sam, I think the question referred to a first date--I definitely wouldn't go to a man's house on a first date (or invite him to mine). -
- I adore men who can cook.
Good point. I don't know anything about dating.
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Oops! @MadameX
You are right. I completely forgot about the first date aspect of the question. I would also never go to a man's house/apartment for a first date. -
It depends on the circumstance. Since I'm more likely not going to date someone until we know each other pretty damn well, I would probably be able to pull off the home-cooking first date due to those specific preconditions.
Likewise if the other person wants to cook for me on the first date. -
The point of dating is to get to know some one... Don't confuse dating with a relationship. They are not the same. Dating is how you find some one to start a relationship with.
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Oh. You guys are talking about the nationally accepted form of legalized prostitution: Dinner and a movie followed by sex. Gotcha.
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I agree in part - depends on how well you know the person already. I know first dates are about getting to know people, but I think by todays standards most people know enough about the people they go on dates with to be comfortable enough to have dinner at home with them. The exception being blind dates or first intitial meetings - say if it was an internet date.
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the problem with bringing a guy home...is , what if that person is a psycho. these days you could not be sure. though home cooked meal is the most interesting date ,giving the person access to your flat can be risky. what if that person is a stalker? anyway i am the one who pays if i am the one who invites...i would reach into my wallet, and what a relief! if that person say's 'no no no i'll pay for it'.
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You're right kobra. You keep on waiting, doing nothing, and I'm sure you will find some one.
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VK - you can't call it "sex" that's too forward on a first date: It's dinner, movie and then "going in for coffee"
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Or coming up for one last drink.
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Okay, yeah, I think I'll pass on the whole dating thing and choose prospective partners from my math, physics, and engineering classes.
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LOL VK. You might want to find someone who isn't just like you. There was a study somewhere that said that when men and women who both have analytical minds have children...there is a higher risk of the children being autistic. I'd have to do some digging to find it.
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I don't want kids. I really don't want kids. So that's a non-issue for me.
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Men should pay if they are manly men. You know the kind of men who are out doing manly things with men. Being men and enjoying men and doing those manly things.
I think the person who asks should either pay all or negotiate to pay half. That's what has happened in my relationships. Although most of those ships sank. -
I think both parties should decide who pays what percentage before the date begins so nobody is stuck with a bill they cannot pay. Personally, if I'm the one offering I would be the one to pay.
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- Agreed and a long time ago when I was the person asking I also paid the bill.
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Whomever asks the other person out ought to plan to pay, even if they don't pay.
I like the cooking conversation idea to. It's a fun, conversational, and appreciated. -
I feel sorry for men on this issue. I have somen friends who are offended if a man tries to pay and will factor that in to whether or not to see him again...and at least one woman friend who will not go out with a man again if he DOESN'T pay. It's all a big guessing game.
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- Offended? Really? Well, I'm surprised to hear that.
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Whew! I think balance (as always) is key here. If a man wants to pay, then so be it...if he lets me buy our sangria at the pool hall then so be that. I wouldn't judge a man on his willingness to pay or let me pay...but more so on his ability to hold an enlightening conversation, have some kind of career and share things in common with me that creates a bond. Honestly, the women you mention above might be missing out on some awesome guys by sticking to such ridged standards with no room for flexibility.
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Is this thread still going on? Come on, enough talk! Clothes off, and everyone into the sauna!
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- lol ...
If I were single I sincerely doubt that I would be interested in dating anyone. It sounds so scary. -
It's not that bad, surely it would come naturally if you had to do it all over again
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I guess it depends where you are. most of the people in highly populated areas are scary.
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- I'm not so sure about that. We were kids, who were best friends for ages. I have no actual dating experience with "strangers" at all.
What's more is that I'm a country person. I don't like the noise and activity level in cities. The people all look mean or defensive and no one makes eye contact. The pace of life is too intense and I can't breathe well due to all the car exhaust.
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but you both have a world of your own which is like a fairy tale. others have to dig through all the trash to find a gem.
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- I sincerely think that if I were single I would not even bother looking for a partner. The whole idea of dating strange men is just too scary. I have friends and I would just hang out with them.
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and some just settle for trash
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TT that was what I was trying to say above - dating nowdays isnt about meeting strangers - most are friends or friends of friends whence not feeling uncomfortable to invite them into your home on the first "date".
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I'm old and, despite being a dyed-in-the-wool liberal, I am old fashioned about some things.
I was widowed a few years back and thrust unexpectedly back into the dating scene. I believe that all people are inherently equal as human beings, but I've been around long enough to know that you cannot apply an inflexible equality to interpersonal actions or to relationships.
Dates are for exploring other people to learn if they are sufficiently compatible to embark on a relationship with. And how you and your date conduct yourselves on a single date can tell volumes about you...and the other person.
I would not, for example, date a man who was not willing to pay for the entire date...every date. That is not saying I expect him to pay, it is saying I expect him to be willing...with a happy heart and open hand...to pay both his way and mine. I also expect him to be gracious when I offer. This dynamic tells me if he is going to be tightfisted in a more intimate relationship or if he is going to be generous...and if he is emotionally secure enough to accept contributions from his lady.
I have a dear friend who dated on this "split things equally" basis and it has come back to haunt her. She married the man and they still split everything equally...which is why he drives a new car, buys gadgets and toys and new technology and she wears shabby clothes, drives a beater, and has to pinch pennies to get a haircut. You see, they split everything equally and he earns more than twice what she does, so she struggles to be able to make it from month to month while he has disposable income equal to her entire income. And he shames her for looking shabby.
My husband, on the other hand (who is the same age as hers) would be embarrassed to live in such a manner. He paid for everything while we were dating, although I reciprocated by cooking for him virtually every night we did not eat out. Now that we are married, I do a little freelance work...it brings in about 10% of what he earns, it all goes into one bank account, he pays the bills, I have a credit card and if I want cash I need only state how much I want and it will cross my palm, usually immediately, no questions asked.
This comes from NOT dating men who expected me to pay, who got upset if I offered to pay, who expected me to pay half, etc. If you end up married to a man like that, what happens when you quit work to stay home and have babies? Or get sick? Or laid off? What happens when he perceives you as not "pulling your weight"? No thanks! I'm past having babies, but I still can't abide a man who doesn't expect to take care of me, even while we both know I can very competently take care of myself.-
Very good point Sweet Violet.
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That's not an equal splitting. Argh!
Marital and family units are supposed to be communistic in nature. -
Yup, VK, you got it right.
But unfortunately, people who are into "splitting things equally" tend not to be very good at converting to the "communal assets" way of thinking. -
My husband was always into going dutch - in fact we did that as friends, and then as romantic partners.
Our marriage, however, is not like that at all, and I'm afraid your friend's husband simply took advantage of the situation. I'll almost bet that he has rather skewed views of marriage and spousal roles all around. Much like a friend of mine whose husband (she is divorcing) had her fulfill the traditional role of a wife, exxcept in finances. SHe had to pay her own way entirely, while doing the cooking, cleaning, and child rearing to boot.
In other words, he got himself a baby maker, a nanny, a maid, and a sex toy at no cost to him.
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I think the man should pay, however, the method you described for at least attempting to offer, to show interest is great too. -
man should be ready to pay, and if he found-out that the lady showed unhappy expression then ask for a split. -
I would expect to pay for a first date but an offer split would be a nice gesture to refuse. If it progressed to more dates I would expect it to sort of balance its self out more or less 50/50. That's the way I have always done it. If I had took a girl out like 5 times and she hadn't even offered to buy a drink or pay a taxi fare I would find it quite rude and I would seriously question if she was the sort of person I want a relationship with. -
i think you should invite a rich friend and his girlfriend along and have them pay. Why waste money on anything that's not a sure thing?
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I was recently reading whether men should or should not pay on the first dates, and guess what - I found this article on "advice for women for their first date" at www.promatching.com/articles/aid24-what-to-do-on-a-first-date-advice-for-wo...
It clearly says that "Do NOT expect man to pay for you coffee or meal, maybe in the later meetings." So, there you go.-
Well, like I said, I'm old fashioned about some things, and men are one of them. I expect a man to be courteous, respectful, and gentlemanly, especially in the early stages of a relationship...like a first date.
If the man is not old fashioned enough to pay for our dates, he is just too new-fangled for me.
I DO expect him to pay for it, and if he doesn't, he will be a one-date wonder.
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On a first date the lady should always pay half, what guy nowadays wants to go out with moocher and free loader. I know this would have most woman coming out in a cold sweat why don't they pay for the first date...
If I'm out with lady and she doesnt' pay her share, my view is that I'm gonna dump her sorry ass! I'm a good looking guy and getting another date is easy. Woman want to live in the 21st century instead of the dark ages, they have get with it, not choose what aspects of 21st century living they like.
Fortunatley free loading and cheap woman are few and far between in London, but when I was living in Barbados there were tons of them. Woman show some self respect and get with the times. -
Basic etiquette states that the person who invites does the paying - regardless of gender or even the nature of the get-together. For example, if I invite my brother to lunch, I should pay for the meal.
I think that's the politest thing to do, unless other arrangements are made in advance.
On that note, however, I also never assume that others follow those rules, so I always bring money to cover the bill if need be.-
Where is this basic ettiquete book you speak of, and does it cover what to do when a silent one creeps out during oral?
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My grandma(s) taught me that
But uh, I would think that a simple excuse me and a hearty laugh at the uh - mishap - would suffice -
Ah, noted.
Although a "hearty" laugh may influence a second occurance.... -
"bite" is the first thing that comes to mind...
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Oh! Ouch!
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LMAO!!!!
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I, fortunately, haven't had to date for 2o years now.
When I was dating I believed it was my obligation to pay for dates.
Were I still dating I would still be of the same mind.
There were of course situations where I paid for the meal and entertainment for the evening, but my date might leave the tip or might pay for a taxi ride...-
Here we go again...agreeing with each other. Scary!
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I always pay for the first date for 2 reasons.
1. When you are a single mother, regardless of how you became that way, many men assume that either a. you are looking for a provider or b. you "get down". So by paying, I don't owe them a damn thing and I cannot be mistaken for on of those dreaded daddy seekers.
2. I like to be able to leave whenever I want and not wait around to see if they are going to pick up the tab. If they annoy me, it's check please, if they bore me it's I have to go home, if they creep m out it's my other boyfriend is coming and if they attract me it's "lets go grab a drink"-
Well said...and I like the way ya think! I wouldn't object to a man treating, however I'm always VERY prepared to handle it myself or offer to handle it in the least.
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Neither of those two reasons would stop me from getting up and walking out and leaving him with the check.
If he was the kind of man who thought, because I was single mother I was either a golddigger or I would put out simply because he paid for dinner, not only would he pay for the date, he wouldn't see me again. I don't do disrespectful men.
And if he gets creepy, let him wrangle the check while I walk out. I'll do boring...once. I'm not enough of a bitch to ditch a man mid-date simply because I'm bored. And if he attracts me but he expects me to pick up or split the tab, the attraction rather quickly...as in instantaneously...fades.
The fact that a man is paying for a date does not obligate me to put up with disrespectful behaviour and I don't. Paying for the date doesn't buy me anything I don't already have if he pays. -
"If he was the kind of man who thought, because I was single mother I was either a golddigger or I would put out simply because he paid for dinner, not only would he pay for the date, he wouldn't see me again. I don't do disrespectful men. " Most often you don't know, especially if it is a first date, that is what they act like. So I take up the check to make it a non issue incase they do think like that. I have heard horror stories Plus I have rather expensive tastes and a large appetite. I'm the chick with the gigantic steak, loaded baked potato and all of the fun extras.
I suppose I should add that as a 3rd reason, my bill is usually about double theirs
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If the man is interested in me and asked me out, he should pay. A friend became interested in me, wanted to woo me, but also wanted to go dutch even on really cheap dates. I go dutch with friends. If I'm not interested in someone, but he's interested in me and is trying to impress me, how is asking me out to a cheap dinner and wanting to split the bill impressive in any way?
Another guy asked me out and on our first date, the bill was less than $20 including the tip. He wanted to split it. Way to woo me.
It's not about the money. I'm most impressed if a guy can be creative. Creative, cheap dates are the best. My best Valentine's Day ever: When I went to his apartment, he was dressed up, I found that he had planned and cooked dinner, the entire place was lit by candle light, and he had made a CD of love songs for me, also designing the cover. The thought he put into that night was more appreciated than any amount of money he could spend.
To me, it boils down to this: I tend to put more work into a relationship than the guy. The guy expects the relationship to be there, provided for him. He expects sex. I'm not that impressed by sex, having only ever been "wowed" by two-pump chumps who are done before the commercials are over. So if someone comes along, telling me I'm "so attractive" and that in every other way I'm the woman of his dreams, and I know that I will be able to give him a healthy, fulfilling relationship, why the hell should we split the bill? If I've already impressed him and he hasn't impressed me yet, and if he doesn't even take the initiative to pick up the check after asking me out, he's not getting anywhere with me.-
Personally I'm not wooed by monetary things. I know that whether a man is interested or not he can easily pay for dinner...all that takes is a functioning credit card. I tend to pay attention to more meaningful signs. Is he interested in what I'm saying, do we have nice conversation...do we have things in common...are we attracted to each other...do we have common values...etc. If the most amazing guy in the world took me to a Halal vendor on the corner and asked me to go half on a fish wrap, I wouldn't write him off just for being a penny pincher. We're in a recession!
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