January 1: Entire state of Vermouth to experience Annual Massive Hangover & Demolition Ski Derby with lumpy Uncle Teddy, sponsored by the makers of Old Red Nose.

January 2: Howard Scream, Jr. plus three underage Gore nephews pre-emptively scheduled for bailing from the Burlington city drunk tank, just in time for Happy Hour at the new UVM Laotian Alumni Memorial Hooters. Surrender Accomplished!

January 4: Report of non-absorbent New Year's party bibs (made in People's Republic of Madison) to mega-box retailer Target as defectives, prepare to swear on a damp Koran that they're actually full of Red Chinese lead. Spend cash refund on zinc sulfate 12-pack for recurring Code Pinko genital warts.

January 5: Florida begins chad re-count.

January 7: Bill Clinton going AWOL for two days, again, from spousal unit's official non-hybrid tour bus. Whereabouts initially unknown by media and golf buddies, late cell call to campaign manager will claim "something really big's just come up near Fort Walton Beach" which will not go over well with sycophantic gay staffers when announced at nightly meeting. Female interns rejoice.

January 8: Florida holds primary election.

January 12: Orlando, Pensacola, Tampa, Clearwater, and Cocoa Beach secede from Florida.

January 15: Chairman Howard Scream announces unilateral surrender to the violent, uncaring thugs of Philadelphia, NOLA, Detroit, and Jersey City. Will state "those people really don't want us there anyway" before mumbling something Belgian about Iran and the CIA. Pacifist headpieces Brian DePalma and Katie Couric set to rally round the Swiss flag.

January 18: National Highway Traffic Safety Administration press release on 3,956 Americans killed along I-5 by iGore Junior and his ilk in 2007. Cindy Shiite will strap herself to Booboo Boxer's new Lexus in protest over the total lack of automotive air bags inside the Senator's tin foil Giants cap. Tim Robbins shows, crowd again confuses him with Jeff Goldbloom during Q & A session on Iraq. 15 minutes spent, he'll head back to relative obscurity and more mediocre commercial output.

January 21: One year until McCain-Rudy inaugural, DNC HQ goes into full blown formal Suicide Watch mode. Walter Mondale may be heard moaning quietly in the background, over by Jimmy HOW'S MY HEZBOLLAH Carter.

January 27: Arkansas, South Texas, Oakland, and Chicago begin bi-annual busing of poor black folk to custom voting booths, after church on every Sunday through August. [Reminder to self, get shiite load of Dr. Pepper and filterless Camels for Pulaski County sheriff's deputies.]

February 6: Super Wednesday sponsored by Planned Parenthood.

February 10: Re-do primaries in Cali, New York, New Jersey, New Mexico, Seattle, and DC. Cancel check to Planned Parenthood.

February 12: iGore to declare candidacy for 2012.

February 15: No major plans. Everyone sleeps in, just like the latter 1990's.

February 21: Democrat party member and new SPCA spokesman Michael Vick should easily win special Virginia primary for John Warner's warmed up Senate seat. Former GOP senator Larry Craig to switch sides of the aisle one more time during Magical Minnesota Mystery Tour starring Ali Frankless, if you know what we mean. Congressional pages in DC may rejoice.

February 31: Bill Clinton spotted at renovated Hotel Rwanda & Casino Luxury Trailer Park, with Lindsey Lohan and Babs in tow. Will claim they took a wrong turn somewhere near Fresno, en route to El Capitan, in their rental RV. Interns back in DC and Yosemite rejoice.

Please stayed tuned, for breaking down updates...

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