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Stopped dating a girl because she didn't put out. Am I wrong?
Posted by BlueSunshine • 5/09/08 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Tags: chicks, Dating, dinner
Well let me explain the situation. I've told a bunch of people about this, but I wanted to get the reactions from fellow bloggers (you folks have drastically different opinions then most).
I've been going out on dates with this girl for about 2 months. I've taken her out to dinner each time and we usually go to my place afterwards to watch a movie. However, when we get there, nothing happens. Not even a hug (I try to go in for the embrace after the date but she always bolts). We've been on 3 dates and tonight was suppose to be our fourth but I blew her off.
I had been dropping hints all week and I was trying flirt with her. She was suppose to come to my house and watch a movie after dinner, but at the last minute she changed her plans and wanted me to go to her parents house instead. Ugh. Just seemed like she was wasting my time with free dinners, so I doubt I'll be talking to her again.
Do you people think this is wrong?
User Comments
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right, wrong... not really the point. Did you try flat out talking to her? Maybe she has her reasons. If you were only in it for the sexual possibilities, I think she was smart to ward you off (not much difference than you thinking she's only in it for the free dinners, really)-
I never said thats the only thing I was in it for. We actually have alot in common. But she did drop the comment of how "creepy" guys can be, which is less than encouraging for trying to take the relationship to the next step.
Also, she's going to be going away for 3 months at the end of May so I may be wasting my time entirely.
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Doesn't sound quite right to me. I mean, I can understand the not putting out thing. Three dates isn't all that many. But a bit of closeness would be an indicator that she found you attractive and appealing. My guess, and it's just a guess, is that she just wasn't interested in you in a romantic way. It happens. Head on down the road.-
Well, I don't know, she setup 3 out of the 4 dates and she texts me all day so there must be some sort of attraction there. But all this time and not even a hug? Time to kick her to the curb.
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Do you look like your avatar?-
I can see where you're coming from -
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He should have asked you out Miss Pitt I hear all it takes is a bag of chips and a promise of secrecy. -
Just chips.
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Even better you can tell all your mates what a stud you are.
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I'm thinking that maybe "she" is a shemale and is breaking you in gently,so to speak, You should install hidden cameras in your toilet and invite "her" over.
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Did she know you much before the three dates? Because if three dates is all you have to go on over a two month timeframe, to get to know each other, that doesn't actually seem like very much.-
How many dates till you put out Thrift?
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Ah, just like an aardvark-- nosy.
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I only wanted to know because I'm conducting an in depth survey into the mating habits of decorators.
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I think wanting to take you to her parents was a good sign. She may have had bad relationships in the past hence her behaviour.-
i think it's good..
how old are you? -
I was with a girl when I was 18 for a year and a half before she 'put out' we ended up being engaged for 4 years.
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can we define put out
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blah
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I'm not talking about you, what does he mean exactly by 'Put Out'..is it the bin?
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Put out to pasture maybe
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Were you guys clear that these were dates? I have male friends that I hang with, we go to dinner, hang at my place or theirs and watch movies. Nothing happens as we all know we are just friends. Or maybe she got burned bad before and wants to start as friends and work it from there. It is hard for me to say. I would ask her if she is interested in dating or if she was planning on this staying as friends. -
Which do you like better sex or her?
If the answer is sex, then you need to move on! -
Three dates seem a bit quick to make this decision just because she is not physical yet. If that is how you feel, my guess is that you are just not into her very much. If you really liked her, you would be intrigued, not put off. -
First hint to me: "I've told a bunch of people about this". After 2 months? Next thing: Most women can tell what your intentions are pretty early in the game. Did you at least wipe the drool from the side of your mouth? After these "dinners", did she know that she was supposed to be "dessert"? Also, you never mentioned what you had been doing with your hands on the previous 3 dates. Did you tone down your "I'm about to get some" look? The sexiest part of a woman is between the ears. Did you bother to look at her in the eyes? Not being judgemental, but perhaps you could have been more subtle. Many years ago, I could easily have been that girl. I usually don't comment on stuff like this, but this time I just HAD to. Since you asked, there may be hope for you yet - Nards
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Oh Nards! You are so precious. -
You go girl! A girl wants more than being banged. A girl wants something permanent something that will last "'til death us do part." If you're out just to get some action the girl see probably sees through the poop.
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It's just 2 months hey, be patient. Though then again, you say she hasn't hugged you? Maybe you do need that trip to her parents', at least you might get to know if she's from a religiously strict background or something. That is if you like sex better than her. -
2 months, and only three dates? Sounds to me like you're not actually seeing this girl. If that was me I'd expect to have a lot more dates under my belt at the end of 2 months. Sorry to say it but it doesn't sound like much is happening for your to expect sex. -
I go by the old saying that there are three sides to every story...his, hers, and the truth. Don't think that I am calling you a liar, but the most people 30 + years old will understand what I mean.
Based on just your side of the story, I have to agree with "mattclark". Three dates in two months? I wouldn't be worried so much was about the sex, as so much as if you two really have a chance for a relationship. Of course, being around a female with YOUR situation, where she says guys are creepy, and then wants you to meet her parents is a kinda scary to me. -
Nope, you were exactly right. She clearly doesn't belong with someone like you, so it's much better that you got out of her life than tried to push her into your lifestyle.-
Yuppers - I have to agree. You are just too good for her and she will never learn. So it was a great idea that you let her go on her way and you on yours!
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How old are you, BlueSunshine? -
Yes, I concur with MadameX. This girl clearly is not in pace with you and is not interested in your ploy. -
I kinda figured you people would take her side.
To try and answer everyone's questions:
- I'm 23
- My avatar is from a 70's movie
- I've never had a one night stand in my life
- After our first date, there was a 3 week gap between the second one (she called me back for a second one)
- She was aware that these were dates, especially by saying how much fun she's had on all of our dates.
- She says she's not religious, just Republican (much worse...)
- I no way resemble anything "machismo" like it may sound.
I should have re-titled this thread because "putting out" can be deceiving. She didn't even seem interested in a hug going into a fourth date, so at this rate we'd be making out when I'm 27 and my bank account is drained. Also you folks need to consider that she's leaving town at the end of the month, so I think it's justified to want to speed things up.-
Actually, if she's leaving town at the end of the month "speeding things up" seems like the last thing that's warranted.
I'm struck again by the repeated connection between "making out"/"putting out" and your bank account. Have you considered dispensing with the pretense and simply finding a prostitute? -
Hmmm - The Girl Friend Experience... laughs
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So if she's leaving town, I should just buy her more free dinners without wanting to speed things up? Mmmkay.
Also for the record, dating is prostitution stretched out for a longer period of time with more money involved. -
I was not totally clear where you were coming from the first time. Now that you have cleared things up, I can only say.... dude, you have some issues!
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Well, if you don't enjoy spending time with her for its own sake, you shouldn't be dating her, speeding up, slowing down, or considering how to get her to "put out" at all. If you do, then you're already getting something out of "buying her free dinners" and there's no need to worry about whether you're going to get your "payoff" before she leaves town.
Sounds like she's well rid of you one way or the other.
and...you know...if your bank account is "drained" by taking someone out to dinner three times in two months and renting a couple of movies, there might be areas of your life that require your attention more urgently than the quest to get laid. -
Apparently the sarcasm detector has been completely turned off in this thread. I thought you folks would be able to have some fun with this without it going over your head and turning on the moronic "Mother Hen" mode.
Anyway, here's the bottom line. I too enjoyed our dates but I feel that she's taking me for a ride just to get free stuff out of it before she leaves town. It's not like it's a "quest to get laid", I can go to the bar for that but that's not what I'm into at all. We're both adults, and if she doesn't care about any sort of connection beyond dinner and chatting (that's friend territory folks) then I'm out.
Edit: How old are the woman that are posting? -
Just curious what the "connection beyond dinner and chatting" might be if you're (now) asserting that it's not about sex and she's leaving town.
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Just noticed the edit: much older than you are. You can tell by the civilized language. I shared your "dilemma" with a 23-year-old colleague, and her response definitely wasn't fit for posting in a public forum.
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MadameX is right on! I simply can't believe that there are still men that think dinner/movie=sex. Really? I think that gift is worth a heck of alot more than that!
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I don't think that. I think dinner/movie/talking every single day would lead to SOMETHING, even if its a hug for reassurance.
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BlueSunshine, maybe you should have talked to her about your feelings. I can't really say what vibes you were sending out because I don't know you. But, she may have had some of her own issues to deal with. Communication is always the key. It might have let her know that you care.
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I pretty much did, and that's when the "guys can be creepy" comment came about. To me, that signals that she has some major man-hating issues, or some guy has burned her in the past.
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That could be true. However, it was the way you stated your case up top that threw me. It just sounded like you believed that because you had spent money on her that you should expect sex out of it. I know sometimes when I try to express myself it comes out all wonky so I'm glad you are trying to clarify what you meant to say.
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BlueSunshine,
She is not interested, you should just chalk this one up as experience and move on..Most women will explain why they shy away from intimate contact, even if it is "I'm not ready". She may not want to get close because she is leaving soon.
It shows that you are a gentleman because you asked and are concerned about doing the right thing..That's impressive! -
Sounds to me like she feels safe around you. Sounds like she had a bad experience. Don't think that means she hates men; but perhaps has strong feelings of dislike for the 'creepy guy.' She's leaving town, so I guess pursuing something more serious isn't even an option? So, find someone else to date.
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Here's a thought.
Enjoy her company now, on an honest level. Forget the sex for right now. I am going to assume that since you did post about her, that you are attracted to her. Hopefully, you are attracted to her in other ways than sexually. Say you are. Here is your chance to start hining your social skills. (I'm not knocking your age, but you did state that you are 23.)
I suggest that you ask her to go out with you, and do something else besides dinner and back to your place for a movie.
It's getting nice outside. Go to public event. Go to a ballgame (shameless plug). A concert. Get some friends together and go hit the park for a BBQ/picnic. Trust me, people of ALL ages continue to do stuff like this.
So she is going away for three months, but she will be back. I think that while she is gone, her memories of you will be comforting while she is gone, and what she can expect when she gets back. If nothing else, you two could end up being great friends.
And there is nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex!!!!
Just ask them.-
Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it!
We actually went to a laser show after dinner on one of our dates which was pretty sweet. I invited her to Van Halen (cheesy, I know) because I had an extra ticket but she wasn't interested. I mean come on, it's David Lee Roth!
She probably could be a good friend, which I have zero problems with.
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@ Blue Sunshine, "To me, that signals that she has some major man-hating issues, or some guy has burned her in the past". Knew you would get to it eventually, why is it with certain types of men when a woman appears not to be interested in them sexually that they are "Men Haters" or "Been Hurt In the Past", it shows you know little about women, also why would you discuss it here?-
Any girl that thinks that guys in general are creepy has some issues no matter which side of the story you want to take.
Also, I've discussed this with offline buddies both male and female and I wanted to see how you folks could share ideas. Thus far though, alot of folks have been judgmental and are willing to jump to conclusions which is not what I expected really. Oh well, to each his own! -
@Bluesunshine
I feel comfortable saying that no one here is trying to be mean to you. But like I said earlier...three sides to every story, his hers and the truth, so we don't have much to go on.
And you kind of shot yourself in the foot when you let everyone know that you are 23 years old. I am not saying that you are not smart, but you are young. Many of the people here have been around the block a couple times, and you haven't even made around the corner yet. But that's ok. We were all in our early 20's at one point.
But when you make statements such as "- She says she's not religious, just Republican (much worse...)"...that is going to have an affect on people's thought process of you.
I still say take a deep breath, relax about this woman, and ask her to spend some fun times with you before she heads off for three months. -
There is a difference between jumping to conclusions and drawing logical conclusions.
You said in your subject line that you stopped dating a girl because she didn't put out.
You made repeated references to "buying free dinners" for a girl without getting anything in return.
You said you hoped talking every day and the dates you've been on would "lead to something" rather than recognizing that that was ALREADY something--or at least, it would be to someone who didn't have a tight focus on a specific and selfish goal.
The premises supporting the conclusions drawn here are very strong and tightly connected.
Perhaps what's happening here is that offline you're talking to personal friends, who are likely to share your values and priorities, whereas here you're getting a broader insight from people who are less like you. It's very easy to find people to agree with you if you stay close within your own circles; long ago I was a criminal defense attorney and one of the things I always noted was that most of my criminal clients felt that their actions were entirely justified, and that idea was backed up by their friends and associates. We do, after all, choose the company we keep. -
Dude, you asked her to go hang out at a concert, and she turned it down. See, when I was in my teens and early twenties, NONE of my friends, male OR female would turn down an offer to go hang out at a concert. Maybe you should just chalk this experience up as a lessoned learned. Move on. It's summertime, man, keep going out and having a blast. (Hope that ticket didn't go to waste!!)
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@MadameX
Maybe it's our difference in age, but if someone is wasting my time, I'm going to move on. Take any side you want, but that's the bottom line. -
It's not your statement here that I take issue with, but the idea that you have a relationship well enough developed that you're talking every day and presumably enjoying that and sharing things and you consider that a waste of your time because it hasn't gotten you sex.
I can see where it might be more comfortable for you to chalk that up to an age difference, but I'm pretty sure it's a difference in CHARACTER. -
@RTBjr73
Yeah, I've never turned down any concert opportunity. I've even went to see Billy Joel with my one friend a few weeks ago because my friend is a huge fan. I ended up going to Van Halen with my buddy and the show was awesome! -
@MadameX
Must have missed my previous posts. I said that this subject line is misleading, as I didn't even get a hug after all this time and energy. It's not like I'm saying "hey broad, I took you out and it's time to nail you". I'm not a bad guy like you're trying to paint me up, I've been very polite and respectful to her and she seems to dig me. But if she has issues with guys and physical attraction, there's always other fish in the sea... -
I just don't get the concept of physical affection (whatever degree) as something you "get out of it". Just a difference in values--you're not going to sell me on your position and you don't need to. "Bad" is in the eye of the beholder, I guess...and that's okay. You don't need my approval.
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