Discussions

TELL THE TRUTH OR DONT BOTHER

Posted by Selvia • 7/02/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: http://parentingskillsandtechniques.blogspot.com

My brother in law in cheating on his wife and acting as if nothing is happening. He comes around our house and bosses around because he is my hubby's older brother. He demamds a lot from my husband. His wife on the other hand keeps boasting about her husband not knowing what he is doing behind her back.

I am getting very irratated with my brother in law who expects us to do everything for their mother.I am not complaining about taking care of my mother in law. I am only angry when this brother in law of mine who doesnt contribute in any way comes to our house and bosses around. He finds fault in the way we take care of his mother.

I am losing my patience and feel like telling his wife that he is cheating on her. I have proof that he is doing this.

What will you do if you have someone like this in your family. Should I tll the truth or just dont bother.

Each time I try to fight for my right I end up getting hurt. My husband has done his very best but dosent want to leave his mum.

User Comments

7/02/09

SweetViolet

Don't humiliate or hurt her because you are angry with him. She may already know but is in denial because she doesn't want to deal with it yet.

I don't know your family situation, but if my BIL did this kind of thing to me, I would say, in the firmest possible voice, "Your right to complain or criticize is in direct proportion to the amount of help you contribute. Since you don't contribute anything, you can shut up or get out. NOW!"

[reply]
1. 7/02/09
  
  Selvia
  
  Thank SweetV, I will take your advise. The question of to tell her keeps popping in my head. I will not humilate her. I did not realise it will. I guess I was and am still angry.
  
  As for answering him he is too good with his dam word and some how will shut me up and I always end up crying.
7/02/09

wagerwitch

I would confront him with the proof - WITH YOUR HUSBAND PRESENT - or have your husband present it.

And ask him kindly to please take care of his mother - and to not come around your house until he has settle his affairs - LITERALLY.

Make sure your hubby is 100% behind you.

[reply]
1. 7/02/09
  
  Selvia
  
  Thanks for your kind advice
7/02/09

footiam

It's a terrible situation you are in Do as you please!

[reply]
7/03/09

idealpinkrose

I understand. It's really hard to decide and choose the right thing. Whatever action you do, you will be blamed. You will be blamed for not telling what you know to his wife and will be blamed by your brother in law if you would tell it. Sometimes it's better not to know anything. Do whatever you think makes you feel more comfortable.

But if I were you, I would talk to him about it. I think he would show you kindness because he's afraid that you would tell about it to his wife.

[reply]
1. 7/03/09
  
  Selvia
  
  He is never kind as far as it concerns me. He dislikes me, he only likes my hubby and my son. I have tried so many things and I am really tired.
7/03/09

Floormodel

don't confuse the two issues. if you need to confront him on the mother situation do it in front of his wife and your husband. tell him you love your mother in law and are doing your best if he is that unhappy with your care then he should pay to have someone come in and help you or start helping himself.

but if you need to confront the cheating issue, do it one on one with him first with the provision that you will go to her if he doesn't cease the cheating. tell him you care about her and cannot sit silent any longer.

[reply]
1. 7/03/09
  
  Selvia
  
  I wish I was as strong as you.
2. 7/03/09
  
  jafabrit
  
  selvia I don't think you need to confront him in a negative way. I agree with floormodel. Next time he complains just say it is obviously distressing him and perhaps it might offer him some comfort if he wishes to pay for home health aide services and that you would not be offended by that. Hand him a brochure or website info. Of course he will say no, right? But each time he moans you can repeat, "well did you look at the list or brochure".
7/03/09

Anok

You have two different issues going on here. It would be unwise to use the knowledge you have about your brother in law's marriage as leverage of some sort to make him stop acting like an ass with regards to unrelated family affairs.

How would you confront him if he were not cheating on his wife? How would you approach the affair if he were not bossing you around and annoying you?

You need to think on that, and then deal with the two issues separately.

[reply]
7/03/09

nothingprofound

Personally, I'd just ignore him. If he doesn't like the way you're treating his mother, too bad for him. When he comes around, make yourself scarce, go into another room and read a book. What's the point of getting upset over a blowhard like that?

[reply]
7/14/09

thought

i think sweet violet and nothing profound are right. being scarce works wonders

[reply]
1. 7/14/09
  
  Selvia
  
  Thanks and that is exactly what I am trying to do even if things are getting worse
7/23/09

SufiSister

well
u gotta see the reasons why u want to tell him
if he wasnt being a complete D__head would you still tell his wife ?
if he wasnt in ur bussiness u wudnt be in his bussiness ... right
but since he is, you want to shut him up ... oh temptation.
What you should do is have your husband put him in his place
he might be older but he should respect your husband. They arent children anymore.
Sit him down and tell him what has to stop!
cause obvious resentment and ill feelings are building up.
His wife will eventually find out. But if you feel like she should know then tell her but only after your husband has a talk with his brother.

[reply]