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The 90 Day Rule To All Men "Probation Period"
Posted by AchEmpire • 8/03/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: MEN, probation
No sex for first 90 days of dating
When dating it, is always best to apply the 90 day probation rule with men. Making men realize they need to show their abiltities FIRST in order to win you over will generate greater results with how serious they will be to you futuristically.
"If they can wait 90 days to sleep with you then they have proven they are quality men, and you then can move to next level"
User Comments
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I've already waited more than 3 years. My patience is being testing. I am seriously considering fantasizing about some other lady.-
Rivy- If you love her you will continue to wait. Don't let the lust take over. Good luck
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*headdesk*
3 months? Really? That's a "waiting period" that can determine a man's character?
yeesh. Listen, I'm no prude, and I don't buy into any waiting periods or rules about sex between consenting adults....but if you're going to require one, at least make it worth the effort. 3 months is nothing, particularly in the beginning stages where dates are more sparse at first. (if you get one date a week, that's 12 dates before sex occurs - not really all that much when you think about it).
I've met men who have waited that long to get into their conquests' pants and guess what, they were still assholes in the AM. Why? because a player is a player and a player will wait if he really wants a piece of it. (He will satisfy his needs with his other lady friends while he waits for you to cave).
Why not judge a man's character on his...behavior? What a concept!-
Anok- I understand your point, but if the guy is dating you on a serious level, why would he go & get the sex else where? He will wait if he is serious, & I don't run through 12 dates in 1 week. The guy first has to fit threads 1 & 2 of my discussions.
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That's 12 dates in 3 months, not one week
The point that I was making though, is that if you are basing your judgment on a 90-trial period you could very well be involved with a player and still be kicked to the curb as soon as you give it up. They are notorious for wining and dining and pretending to be serious while dating other women to satisfy his urges while he waits to conquer you, his newest conquest.
If, however, you are dating seriously, and you have established a level of trust and character judgment based on a multitude of behaviors...AND you have no qualms about sex before marriage...waiting three months is rather arbitrary. Sex happens when both people are ready for that step, not at some randomly chosen time and date.
From casual observation of the men I know personally (most of whom are very good men) - three months, three days, three weeks, three years - they don't care, so long as they are waiting for the right moment. But if they realized that they are being forced to wait simply to be tested for a set amount of time, they'd get a little pissed about it.
Not because they are missing out on sex, but rather because it's a little insulting. -
Anok- You said:
Sex happens when both people are ready for that step, not at some randomly chosen time and date.
If you allow the man to sleep with you before the 90 days, then to me that shows he's not respecting you "your rules". The 90 day rule is to find out if he is a player or not. If the guy is dating you every night, hanging out with you alot & still showing interest then to me he is not a player if he is doing all that still knowing he won't get any till after 90days. -
hahahah Yes, a player will pretend to respect "your rules" until the fateful day - making him wait for a measly 90 days will not deter him or make him respect you. And if it does, it just means you weren't worth even that much of his energy.
I have no such rules in my life, and sleeping with the men and women that I have has not ruined their respect for me, nor did it turn them into players
My husband and I had sex the very first night we realized we should stop being friends and start dating.
My partner before that and I had sex within a week or so of dating - we had a healthy 5-6 year monogamous relationship. We broke up because I realized that my best friend (now husband) was more important to me than anything in the world.
Before that my partner and I had a healthy 3 year relationship - having had sex within the first month. We broke up because he turned into an animal sacrificing freak. (shrug)
I did have a romantic fling with who I thought was a nice guy - it took about 6 months to warm up to anything terribly intimate. After we had sex, he started dating a leggy blonde about a week later.
it just goes to show...a playa is a playa, and if he thinks having your name on his bed post is worth the trouble, he will do it
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Anok- I agree with you, but a woman still should factor in the risks of sleeping with a man before 90 days, if he doesn't love her from beginning.
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I didn't have RULES when I met my husband, neither did he. I liked him, he liked me. I liked his personality and his body and if there was a lack of respect 33 years ago it didn't show. -
No one loves someone "from the beginning". Love takes time to develop, and not in 90 days or less
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How about adjusting the time some...we could do shots for 90 seconds, skip forplay and then just do it. And try not to have a lot of clothes on. That slows things down too. Then that way, there will be sure to have time to do it again and get back to the bar for last call. Or also to save time, just do it in the bathroom and you don't have to leave the bar. You wouldn't even miss much of happy hour them.-
jrmellem- There are plenty of women allowing men to sleep with them before 90 days. I'm not one of them
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If you need any other suggestion, just ask me. I have a lot of good ideas about the topic. I'm from the free love 70's.
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LOL... You show me a man with $500,000 in cash that's willing to wait 90 days for you, and I'll show you a gay man.-
FreakSmack- If he loves the woman he will. The 90 day rule is to test his abilities in first place. If it's just lust then he can movde on, because he will get tired waiting 90 days
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See that's just it, who loves someone within 90 days of knowing them?
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FreakSmack- It's called love at first sight, or the chemistry takes place & love develops
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It's lust at first sight, love's got nothing to do with looks.
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FreakSmack- Lust at first sight? Sounds like your comment belongs in "Why Do All Men Seek Lust" Once again if the woman can feel the lust producing romance/affection/passion from the man then he's the one. You can tell how a man will produce lust by his kiss. So if he's kissing you beyond lust, then definitely he will wait after 90 days to sleep with you. Because the kisses will keep him wanting you till the 90 days reaches.
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That's so long to wait before sex. I've got things to do, man. Like stare at the mess on my living room table so that, one day, it can clean itself like it promised me.-
ismsandologies- No it's not.
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So you say. You haven't seen my living room table. (Ba dum ching.)
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Why not 89 days or 73? I don't think sex should be used as a motivational tool. That's exactly where women go wrong. Have it, enjoy it and be happy. Sex is healthy.-
FatX- Sex is healthy but if you don't set rules then you will encounter 1 night stands & get your heart broken.
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If you would date men with more personality than a brick, you wouldn't. At least not as much.
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Why? That seems really pointless. If you both feel like having sex, then you should have sex, not adhere to some arbitrary numerical restriction.
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voodooKobra- You're not being considerate. The 90 day rule is to determine the next level. Not some lust wild trip as you want.
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Why 90 days, though? Why not "when both parties feel ready for it."
[Not some lust wild trip as you want.]
Will you stop making assumptions? I never said I want a lust trip. I'm happily single. Putting words in peoples' mouths is a sign of grave and immature disrespect.
[The 90 day rule is to determine the next level.]
I thought that was determined by a strong personal connection between two partners. -
voodooKobra- You said:
Why 90 days, though? Why not "when both parties feel ready for it."
Because if the guy waits 90 days, then he loves you. He will offer romance/affection/passion & accept only kisses if indeed he's in love & wants to have a committed a relationship. If women go by your definition "when both are ready for it" then attachments will develop & if the guy is a player, then the woman will get emotionally hurt. -
[Because if the guy waits 90 days, then he loves you.]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Quit trolling.
[If women go by your definition "when both are ready for it" then attachments will develop & if the guy is a player, then the woman will get emotionally hurt.]
That will always be a risk, and no stupid arbitrary control-freaking will stop it. If you don't want to be hurt, don't make yourself vulnerable. Stay single. You can't have your cake and eat it too. -
voodookobra- Your comment:
[The 90 day rule is to determine the next level.]
I thought that was determined by a strong personal connection between two partners.
Yes it is, and waiting after 90 days will make it even more powerful & stronger. -
[Yes it is, and waiting after 90 days will make it even more powerful & stronger.]
So will passionate sex when both parties desire it. -
voodookobra-
That will always be a risk, and no stupid arbitrary control-freaking will stop it. If you don't want to be hurt, don't make yourself vulnerable. Stay single. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
In my case the 90 rule always works successfully. As long as he fits stuff & waits then he may end up being my true love & I marry him. -
[In my case the 90 rule always works successfully.]
Oh? "Always works?" That means more than one occurrence. Which means it didn't work the first time. -
voodookobra-
So will passionate sex when both parties desire it.
Passionate sex only develops from chemistry, and chemistry develops from a bond, and a bond develops from being highly attracted without having sex first -
Not necessarily, but whatever. You will obviously not repair your faulty misconceptions.
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voodookobra- You said:
In my case the 90 rule always works successfully
Oh? "Always works?" That means more than one occurrence. Which means it didn't work the first time.
Well in my case I've slept with 2 guys only. I thought the first one I was going to marry, because he & I met at 15 & slept "As Virgins Both" together when we were 21. I dated him till 2007, then stuff went sour. I still think he is my true love, because he is still not married & neither am I, but only time will tell. He was very brainy & that's how I got attracted to him. The 2nd guy I'm dating now waited after the 90 days to sleep with me, & he too is very brainy. So what is your point men will not wait? -
No, my point is that even men who wait will not necessarily make you happy and stay with you for the rest of your life.
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Just allow the lovely moments of each date flow until it dictates when. Strong personal connection can be determined not only how many days you've been together but the quality of moments you spent together.
Sincere people may also be impatient ... -
How about instead you sanctify your relationship with marriage first (obviously it is or should be set in stone at that point.) Brings about a dignity and legitimacy to it that can't exist otherwise, and allows your sexual pleasure to flower in to something greater, the greatest earthly relationship in your life. -
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It is also possible that this is the bizzare system that "she" uses to avoid being hurt by an actual relationship -
I agree with Agit, a bizarre way of trying to protect self and blinded into some sense of security with rules that are not really going to do the job.
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hatingtherain- I'm not a fake, I'm the same woman posting the same threads. Sorry if my personality changes so much through these threads.
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I'll have you know that I (a man) in fact imposed the 90 day (3 month) rule on my girlfriend! Now what does that say about me? Not sure...-
iratedog- Interesting
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it is isn't it? lol
I don't like guys who go for girls for sex immediately, gives the rest of us a bad wrap.
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Now a 90 day probationary period where the person can be terminated no strings attached... i could see that
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Actually that would be a good Idea.
I'll bet there would be a lot fewer divorces -
unfortunately there is always the risk of misallocating one's "liquid assets," which can have long term consequences.
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but a pre-pre-nup could cure that
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lol...oh I get it...it's late and I'm slow:)
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I was thinking of another sort of prophylactic
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You're so bad!
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Agit8r- I don't agree, if you are seeking marriage.
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I've been married for 11 years, and am quite jaded...
not obvious, I'm sure
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I like the idea of not jumping in straight away. The experience of getting to know someone on a spiritual level is much stronger than the experience of sex. And when sex is involved early, passions can become overriding. I haven't set any rule though -
I think if it feels right to wait then that is fine, but I don't think that there is a hard and fast rule that says all will fail jumping in straight away. It really just depends on the people involved, how you met them and the circumstances. I had several boyfriends I didn't get into the rumpy bumpy with, but with my husband when I met him we jumped into it straight away 33 years ago and we are still very happily married.
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lol @ rumpy bumpy
I think it's different if you just meet someone or if you know the person beforehand. Last gf was living in another city so when she first came for a weekend and started getting snuggly, I didn't have the heart to say no I'm always wary of girls who like me just for my body though ark ark (j/k) -
harveyavatar - Agree
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90 days is a loooong time
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no pressure is good too
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got distracted.. I wanted to add that much TV and ads is sexual titillation - without mentionning subliminal messaging. I can do without that.
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hatingtherain - Not if you're in love.
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how can they show their "abilities" if they have to wait 90 days?
AchE, you're making no sense! -
If only life was that simple...If you have sex right away(before you fall in love) and you are not sexually compatible you might possiblly save each other a lifetime of heartache...
If you have sex right way and are sexually compatible this might mask the fact that you are not compatible as a couple and lead to a lifetime of heartache...
Nonetheless it is still better to lose at love than to never love at all...-
[Nonetheless it is still better to lose at love than to never love at all...]
Why?
That only applies absolutely to situations where you love the other person, and then they die. If they leave you, cheat on you, or hurt you, then it would have been better to never wasted your time loving that person. -
Kobra, I usually agree with your rather black-and-white view of the world, but on this one I have to disagree. If you've had real love for a time, even if it's gone badly in the end, chances are that both people have learned important things from one another and have grown in ways that make the relationship a worthwhile experience even when it's over. -
You're probably right, but I like to challenge cliche sayings. That's why I said that "only applies absolutely" to such situations, rather than "absolutely only applies".
Of course, my best counterexample situations are ones wherein the love was truly not mutual and the one who was in love ends up committing suicide as a result of it.
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So the way I see your point is that the woman sets the rules?
What if the guy has rules, if woman disobey than they are not worthy?
Walking into a relationship with commandments, it will leave you very lonely. A relationship is shaped on sharing, not demanding.
And what abilities are you looking for, self restrained sexual desire?
This is a silly comment if you ask me. Or is it based on some scientific knowledge? -
I only had one or two rules for dating
1. you respect me
2. I respect you
if numbers 1 or 2 aren't met then it was a no go for me.
to me a relationship isn't a business arrangement to be written on paper and signed on the dotted line and it also isn't an uneven playing field where I am ruler of all things love and he my willing slave boy. although... I do kinda like playing with my whip but that's just frosting on the cake o' love I guess
I will add that I find your topics interesting but wonder if you follow all of these "rules" you seem to have. Control is nice because when you control everything you don't get hurt as much but it also means you don't take risks and you settle rather than see how something iffy might go. I personally prefer to take occasional risks, the rewards are so much nicer. -
Huh. Trying to imagine a circumstance in which I'd have sex with someone I'd known for only three months...nope, not finding one. Maybe if someone slipped me a date rape drug. Of course, I don't subscribe to your apparent view of sex as a favor a woman bestows on a man, so maybe that changes everything. To me, it's an outgrowth of an intimate relationship that really couldn't be developed over a 90-day period unless maybe you were stranded on an island under siege together.
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I see no point in having a relationship if your partner isn't any good in bed.
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hatingtherain- True, but he still has to go by the 90 day rule
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Actually, I was joking.
I was just showing you the opposite extreme.
So what happens if he becomes impotent and is no longer able to perform for you?
Would you then divorse him?
Would you put in a clause in your pre-nup or post-nup regarding decreased sexual satisfaction? -
hatingtherain - When you have sexual compatibility from the start which the kiss will tell you, it never dies. So I wouldn't have to divorce him
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So what if he's impotent? Can you tell that from kissing?
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I don't really believe in having a *set* amount of time--after all, people are all different and each situation is different. However, that said--I do think that it is better for people to wait to get to know each other as friends before jumping in the sack. At least I think it often works out better in the end.
Men are different from women when it comes to sex--and yes, this is a generalization--but it is true. Men are able to compartmentalize sex and emotions FAR better than women are able to. Most women, who make love with a man, are going to get their emotions involved--whereas men can totally separate the sexual experience from the emotional experience. So, what often happens is that when people jump into bed too quickly, women become emotionally involved at that point--and the man might or might not be as emotionally involved (for him, it might just be sex). Then hurt feelings can happen.-
melindaville- Thanks, I totslly agree with you. So you do understand me.
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maaahhh!!!
and there it is gentle ladies and fair men, the FAIL buzzer. The thread topic was posed
"No sex for first 90 days of dating
When dating it, is always best to apply the 90 day probation rule with men."
perhaps one of the most entertaining of this even, this thread contains it all. Drama, Love, Lust, Comedy all combined to give you maximum fulfilment.
But is she really here to help you??
Let us revisit past threads over the week that Was.
===Day 1===
do you dream about true love?
===Day 2===
Why can't men stay romantic?
===Day 3===
Brainy Men Are Better Sex Lovers
===Day 4===
Would You Cheat If True Love Was Involved?
===Day 5===
Why Do All Men Seek Lust?
My Definition of A Perfect Man
Perfect Man Definition Part 2- Liquid Defined
===Day 6===
the present thread
Now while reading over these one has to wonder why such a driven young lady is persisting with such fierce thread posting (14 in 5 days). While rather impressive, it does leave me with a question.
@AchEmpire are you alright, is there anything you want to talk about things like personal issues, maybe a recent break up, lack of man or bad sex life issues??
P.S
one small piece of obvious, 90 days is about 3 months. Thats a quarter of a year... While you seem content with such a plan it is a long time
let's do some math
ok so lets say a person will live to about 70...
lets also assume the procreation type activities will only really be a large part of life for a good 30 or 40 years
also assuming that you haven't gotten married before 30 (for example sake lets say 35)
lets also assume that virginity was lost at 15 and boyfriend after boyfriend was subject to this "rule" till 35 (marriage). so that is 20 years right there... lets suggest that on average someone will date 2-5 people a year when single (we will go with 5 for example sake).
:O oh wait you could not possibly date 5 people and have sex in a year with your rule... i think we should go with 2. So each year you will spend 6 months without sex... and 6 months maybe having sex
what do you think are the odds of that maybe???
lets go with the 80/20 rule seeing as all nonsensical things seem to use that ratio
so 80% of the time that the "maybe" is (for 6 months) 20% of that time you are actually getting sex...
so for 1.25 months of the year you are receiving sex. Now due to peoples lives, things aren't always easy so you would assume that people are having (if they are having) sex a couple of hours plus a week. Seeing as you can have a couple of hours a week and there are 4 weeks in a month, then you are having sex maybe 10 hours a month now we times that by the number of months you are having sex..
and that comes out to 12.5 hours a year that you are having sex every year, and for 30 or so years?? that comes down to 37.5 hours. so if we add a fudge factor to that of about 2.5 to encompass your entire life then you could say you would get around 100 hours for 70 years.
how sad
but hey thats assuming that you can't hold down a boyfriend plus many other things.
Any way more to the point, your rule is stupid... fall in love, have sex, make some babies and get over it... you can then laugh at your kids when they have to do it-
siralmo- I don't have any personal issues. What are you my shrink now?
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ok so i wrote this in sections
HUGE!! mistake 12.5 x 30 = 375 hours which means 100 hours is supposed to be 1000 hours -
i could be you never know ...
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Since 95% of women are dumb, that means only 5% of women will follw this advice.-
dbowles1017 - Are you sure?
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I am always sure.
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I'm a "jump right in and see what happens" kind of person. I figure whether things turn out well or badly I can handle it. Besides, you can't really predict the future, no matter how logical or conscientious you try to be. Life has all these tricky little curve balls it throws at you, and sometimes you connect and sometimes you don't. Whatever happens, you'll survive, if you don't take it all too seriously, and wake up in the morning to a new day.-
nothingprofound- I understand, but you should not just jump right into it. Someone could get hurt.
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Ach-I'm not afraid of getting hurt. But that doesn't mean I don't respect your conditions, if they work for you.
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wrong spot
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nothingprofound- That's great you don't get hurt, but with me I'm protecting my emotional attachments, & if he can wait after 90 dys then it's even more better.
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During the initial 90 days it is essential to figure out the guy's liquidity before jumping in the sack with him.-
stellak - You said:
During the initial 90 days it is essential to figure out the guy's liquidity before jumping in the sack with him.
Why would you say this? -
well yesterday you were saying that you wanted a guy with a certain amount of liquidity, so if this is something essential for you, you should determine his liquidity before having sex, because sex makes things complicated.
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"probation period"
why does that sound to me like a punishment and not the start of a potential relationship?
I keep reading the title as I look over the threads for interesting discussions to join and the word "probation" keeps catching my eye. I admire someone who has such control and such ego that they need to have power over everyone and everything in their life but not because they have that control, I admire the willpower it must take to stick to such strict guidelines and not allow yourself the fun in just trying something new to see if it works.
I guess for me, the risk of being vulnerable with another human is also part of the reward. Letting down my guard and going blindly into the dating fray is tough to do but when you do it your open up a world of possibilities. Sure not every date turns into a match made in heaven but just as every pair of jeans you try on might not fit, neither will every potential mate.
But by trying on several you find what you're comfortable with and what fits you best and in the long run it makes life much more blessed. Trying to control everything doesn't give you power, it just lessens your possibilities.-
Floormodel- I'm not trying to control, but rather not get emotionally hurt.
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Ach-why are you so afraid of getting hurt? I don't know you. Maybe you are very vulnerable and sensitive, and in that case it's probably a good idea to try to protect yourself. But you might find, on the other hand, that you're stronger than you think and can weather many storms relatively unscathed.
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then the assessment is right, you are scared and hope to make rules that will protect you from that. Problem with rules is that they don't protect you, they give a false sense of security.
Nothing wrong with setting up personal standards, such as not feeling comfortable getting intimate straight away. No magic timetable needed, if the guy doesn't respect how you feel you know he isn't the right person. If that means a few days, a few weeks or a few months, so be it, but some magic number isn't the defining proof of a persons respect, it is how they treat you from the get go. -
jafabrit- I'm not scared, I just want to identify what are his intentions with me from the beginning & the 90 days will reveal that. Either he is after just:
1. Sex
or
2. Really wanting to learn more about me -
Actually, I agree with AchE's thought of protecting her emotions. When women jump into bed too quickly with men, they often have a VERY different view of the relationship than the man does.
As I said, this IS a generalization and there are certainly men (and women) who fall outside the lines of this generalization. But I actually agree that it is better to get to know someone on a deeper level than sex, which is usually more superficial for the man than it is for the woman.
If people build a relationship based on friendhip, common interests, trust, respect, and honesty and if *all* those aspects are in place--then that is the time to explore the sexual aspect of the relationship.
Now, on the other hand--there ARE women who want to 'hook up'--they aren't interested in building a long term relationship. This (of course) would not apply to them--but in my experience with psychology, the GREAT majority of women go into each potential sexual relationship with the idea that it could become something more.
I don't think a strict "90-day rule" is a good idea necessarily, but certainly taking the time and thought to protect yourself from needless hurt is a good idea. -
You said you didn't want to get hurt, that translates to fear in my book.
Is it that difficult for you to figure out a man's intentions?
Intentions are pretty clear at the end of a date and if the guy likes and respects you he won't push it.
Nearly all relationships (talking about in the west), whether you meet in a disco, a grocery store, a college class or through a mutual hobby it starts with a physical attraction.
By the way I am not disagreeing with the need to protect yourself, but it is how that is being questioned. -
I understand it too Melinda but unfortuantely part of finding that lasting relationship is allowing yourself to show vulnerability.
I've been burned badly in the past but it made me take it slow when I'd healed enough to try again. There's nothing wrong with not jumping into bed but there's also nothing wrong with not adhering to the 90 day rule.
I think it's better to just play it by...ear and not have it written in stone.
my personal thought: without some vulnerability you cannot find love. -
melindavilleYou said:
Actually, I agree with AchE's thought of protecting her emotions. When women jump into bed too quickly with men, they often have a VERY different view of the relationship than the man does.
As I said, this IS a generalization and there are certainly men (and women) who fall outside the lines of this generalization. But I actually agree that it is better to get to know someone on a deeper level than sex, which is usually more superficial for the man than it is for the woman.
If people build a relationship based on friendhip, common interests, trust, respect, and honesty and if *all* those aspects are in place--then that is the time to explore the sexual aspect of the relationship.
Now, on the other hand--there ARE women who want to 'hook up'--they aren't interested in building a long term relationship. This (of course) would not apply to them--but in my experience with psychology, the GREAT majority of women go into each potential sexual relationship with the idea that it could become something more.
I don't think a strict "90-day rule" is a good idea necessarily, but certainly taking the time and thought to protect yourself from needless hurt is a good idea.
~You've summed me up in this comment, & it's because of you saying also~ "but in my experience with psychology". -
jafabrit - I don't have fear in my book
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@FM--absolutely--you do have to be vulnerable--you have to open yourself up to trusting that another person is not going to hurt you. BUT, I feel there is a much greater chance of being *needlessly* hurt if you jump too quickly into bed with someone.
I have approached love and sex *both* ways. In my opinion, it was FAR better to wait until I had built a relationship with that person based on something other than sexual desire--which is really so fleeting in the grand scheme of relationships.
Of course, at some point, you do jump in with both feet--but hopefully by that time, you have reached some kind of mutual understanding of what the relationship is--and more importantly, where it is going.
Just my view from having failed and succeeded at a few different relationships in my life. -
@AchEmpire--I said that about psychology because I *am* a psychologist. A research psychlogist, that is--and actually a biopsychologist. I not a headshrinker.
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melindaville- You said:
@FM--absolutely--you do have to be vulnerable--you have to open yourself up to trusting that another person is not going to hurt you. BUT, I feel there is a much greater chance of being *needlessly* hurt if you jump too quickly into bed with someone.
I have approached love and sex *both* ways. In my opinion, it was FAR better to wait until I had built a relationship with that person based on something other than sexual desire--which is really so fleeting in the grand scheme of relationships.
Of course, at some point, you do jump in with both feet--but hopefully by that time, you have reached some kind of mutual understanding of what the relationship is--and more importantly, where it is going.
Just my view from having failed and succeeded at a few different relationships in my life.
So you do really understand all this. You should post a article about this on your blog or something, to give great advice to us women.
I analyzed this part the most you said:
"Of course, at some point, you do jump in with both feet--but hopefully by that time, you have reached some kind of mutual understanding of what the relationship is--and more importantly, where it is going".
This is what my thread was really about, & you revealed it.
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Sorry achEmpire, I guess I mistook your comment "emotionally hurt" as meaning afraid of getting hurt.
I perfectly understand wanting to protect yourself from being in relationships with people who don't respect your feelings, or whose motives you don't trust.-
jafabrit- I meant emotionally attached before the 90 days, which triggers the emotionally being hurt.
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Sorry but LMAO....that's so boring... what about the women out there who like to have orgasms? What does sexuality have to do with respect. You give off confidence you get respect. I think the women who made this rule up or man...are probably so uninteresting that if they give it up before 90 days the man will loose interest in their personality...
Sorry...but what a crock.-
lotusb- Your opinion is your opinion.
Per melindaville said:
"Of course, at some point, you do jump in with both feet--but hopefully by that time, you have reached some kind of mutual understanding of what the relationship is--and more importantly, where it is going".
I feel the way she has she this comment, that doesn't make me un-interesting. -
I wasn't trying to imply that your uninteresting. It's just that I've heard about this rule...my cousin read it in some Steve Harvey book. I think it's bunk. A man could just as easily date you for 3 months and drop you as he could if you screw him the first night. Only if you wait 3 months with the wrong guy your more than likely not going to be the only chick he's got. The best bet is to sleep with a man when you feel like you know his character and his motives. Are his motives aligned with yours? Have you both been tested? Is this going to be physical, casual, monogomous or open? It dosen't take 3 months to figure that out...and I think "dating rules" are pretty lame. Every man is different.
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some men may even find it a challenge to wait out that time and then claim his prize. No matter how long you wait or how quickly you jump, there's always that chance of pain.
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Frankly...those men. The ones you mention...who like to wait it out and claim their prize...bore the snot out of me. I love men who are passionate like me and like to go with the feeling. I love dating men who see sex as a form of conversation and not as some huge statement about the relationship. I could never take it that seriously.
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lotusb- You are correct Stevve Harvey's "Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man", is were he talks about the 90 day rule. I have the book, but I've always as melindaville said:
"Of course, at some point, you do jump in with both feet--but hopefully by that time, you have reached some kind of mutual understanding of what the relationship is--and more importantly, where it is going".
Take her part really serious & act on this -
lotusb- I go with the feeling also, but at the sametime I'm just protecting myself from players.
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I don't have to protect myself from players because I haven't actually fell for one since I was like 19 years old. I find it's easier just to weed those right out.
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Ache--STOP quoting me!
I am actually never going to respond to you again because of this. You are really abusing this.
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I think AchEmpire is AI software and somewhere there is a computer programmer laughing his butt off. -
maybe so, possibly so but it's nice to seriously discuss some of this with the other BC members.
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Floormodel- Thanks, this stuff should be discussed, because we all experience it sometime or another.
DeadRoster- Why would I fake who I really am? If you look me up my picture/links & names are all the same on all other websites.
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Yes, a good relationship should be based on the ability to communicate and get along with each other, but getting intimate is icing on the cake.-
spop- It is after the two have as per melindaville said:
"Of course, at some point, you do jump in with both feet--but hopefully by that time, you have reached some kind of mutual understanding of what the relationship is--and more importantly, where it is going".
Accomplished that -
AchE!!! STOP QUOTING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and yes, I mean to shout!
You really don't want to get on my bad side. I have asked you *several* times now to stick to your OWN opinions and to leave me the EFF out of it!
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Ach, you have brought a few good discussions to the table and thanks for that but one thing I really don't think your getting is that your not posting topics with let's say a body of " I like orange cheese, what kind of cheese do you all like?"
Instead ... what your doing is saying "I like orange cheese cause it's the only cheese worth liking, discuss"
I think this is the main reason people are getting frustrated with you. If your going to put up a topic for discussion, then leave the door open for that to actually happen. I have not seen one topic from you that is open door, you've made your mind up on everything already and whether you see it or not, you do challange everyone who replies to your "ideals" and "suggestions".
If you can not learn to see past that issue, this will continue to happen. I personally would love to get in on some of your discussions but I feel like I would be under a microscope before I typed out my first sentence ... and that my friend, IS an issue.
Just try to remember a discussion takes more than one opinion and frankly, a little diversity is what makes it worth having in the first place.
Please don't read between the lines here, just only read what I've typed.
Bettie-
bettieblogger- I never thought of it the way you've just said it. Thanks, & I don't want you to think all I do is challenge peoples opinions. I think I only get like that when someone tries to further the argument with me.
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Ach, I appreciate that you took the time to "hear me". Thank you for that
ps: call me Bettie -
Bettie- I will do that.
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Where is this 90 day rule coming from? Research, studies, or just a random personal opinion?
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FatX - Don't let my threads provoke you. If your women are giving it up before 90 days, then peace with it.
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Clearly it's just a random personal opinion. I have never heard of any institute that researches such relationship dynamics.
AchE, you didn't answer his question, you simply dropped an ad hominem towards the women he dates without any knowledge of their character. How truly ignorant. -
voodooKobra - I don't agree, & you can't speak for me either so stop it.
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Stop what achEmpire....voicing his opinion?
That is what a discussion thread is!
If you don't like other people's opinions then you shouldn't be posting threads.
Just put all of your views on a blog!
Your discussions really aren't discussions anyway, they are your views on things and you dare people to disagree!
C'mon now! -
cathy13 - He can voic his opinion all he wants. He said:
you simply dropped an ad hominem towards the women he dates without any knowledge of their character. How truly ignorant.
All I said was don't let the thread provoke you, if he's dating women who don't go by the 90 day rule, he really doesn't have to worry what my opinion really is. That's not called judging his women. -
NO....this is what you said!
"voodooKobra - I don't agree, & you can't speak for me either so stop it."
And it's quite obvious that no one can really voice their opinion with you without you slamming them if you disagree. -
headAchE: Why do you post things then say, "No, don't worry about it" when it's questioned?
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wrong spot
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"All I said was don't let the thread provoke you, if he's dating women who don't go by the 90 day rule, he really doesn't have to worry what my opinion really is. That's not called judging his women."
I didn't get the sense he felt provoked or worried lol! How do you know what rules his women follow or don't???? -
cathy13 - I'm sorry you feel this way about me.
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jafabrit - I never said I did. I said IF he's dating them, that doesn't say as you put I said KNOW. I never said that
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you made an allusion to his relationships with women that you have no knowledge of and just seemed a means to avoid answering a question as voodookorbra said "AchE, you didn't answer his question, you simply dropped an ad hominem towards the women he dates without any knowledge of their character."
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To me, no rules. I am an animal.-
What kind of animal?
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1 month is enough -
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq1ym9bph4w
I knew I'd heard this all before. found it. I'm a big Steve Harvey fan. I love his bit on Sister Odell -
3 dates(~month). If you don't put out you're to the curb, because after 3 dates is usually when I decide whether or not I would like it to be exclusive or not, and I won't be a monogamous relationship if she is a dead fish in bed.
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dbowles1017- You said:
because after 3 dates is usually when I decide whether or not I would like it to be exclusive or not, and I won't be a monogamous relationship if she is a dead fish in bed.
Thats pretty to the extreme, but do whatever works best for you. It sounds like you're seeking whores? -
No. I just prefer not to make a 3 month investment to some sexually awkward individual.
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I actually agree with him. I don't know about 3 dates...but after about a month I know if I want to be with someone...and I wouldn't want to be with a man who can't please me in bed. That dosen't make me a whore. Some people know what they want and how to get it, others aren't sure and need to play game and set up rules. I prefer the direct approach and frankly it works well for me.
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dbowles1017 & lotusb - I understand
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90 days? Here we go again... another woman using sex as a reward, when in reality she is using it to CONTROL her man. It would be interesting to see how the relationship goes afterward. Perhaps more rules, like "You annoyed me today, so no sex this weekend." or "You don't want my mother to move in? Well, no sex for you then..." STOP treating sex like some fine bone china that you only take out for anniversaries. Sheesh.-
PastExpiry - You just don't get it. The 90 day rule is to prevent emotional attachment from wrong men when dating them
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Why would you date someone for 25% of the entire year if you weren't emotionally involved? Steve Harvey just needed to boost his celebrity status, he pulled a "He's Just Not That Into You" move and wrote a book (i use the term "wrote" very loosely) and now he's pumping this idiocy into the minds of every black woman desperate for a husband.
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"You just don't get it." No, it's not that nobody GETS IT, but rather that we disagree with it.
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voodooKobra - Why do you repeat what I've said to others then re-address it back to me? When you say WE you mean YOU, so you can't speak for EVERYONE. So is that part of your comment I mentioned below? Yes it is, so when you say WE just correct yourself with saying YOU
~but rather that we disagree with it". -
I agree..I think using sex as a reward is shrill and passionless...let go and stop being so afraid of getting hurt that you build walls. I love to experiance men, get to know them, and be open to learning about them physically....the only reason it blows up in my face WHEN/IF it does is because I choose to be ignorant to the aspects of his personality that clash with mine...and it dosen't take long to learn those. Sex is not the carrot on a hook, and frankly woman who think like that are the same women who wonder why their husbands or bf's are screwing other women.
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Actually, I can speak for others in this situation because they have concurred with my objections to your inane bullshit.
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Lotus is black as well.
In any case, Voodoo's sentiments echo my own - so yep, he can speak for me as well.
And PE's opinion on the matter also brings up a valid point. Sex is not a weapon, nor is it some deciding factor tool to be used to analyze potential mates. It is an expression of physical and emotional intimacy between two (or more) people for reasons that are kept between them.
It should not be wielded in any manner that isn't conducive to furthering the relationship or satisfying personal needs mutually (depending on your arrangements). -
IMO, sex should never be used to gain bargaining power.
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Wow..ok, first of all I didn't imply that you directly are desperate for a husband. I said that is who his book's target audience is, which it is. Secondly, who cares if your black, so am I...again...I was referring to who this book was written for. and THIRD...
In your other thread about knowing how a man is in bed by his kiss you said, "I am crafting my husband, eventually because I want to get married and have kids someday like all my friends."
I don't want to point fingers but that statement sounds a little like your looking for a husband. Not saying your desperate...but I just don't think actively looking for a husband so that you can catch up to your friends says a lot about your priorities.
But feel free to ignore me...I won't be bothered by it. -
[In your other thread about knowing how a man is in bed by his kiss you said, "I am crafting my husband, eventually because I want to get married and have kids someday like all my friends."]
Actually, her use of the word "crafting" makes me think she's trying to change a person who fits her financial requirements to fulfilling her unrealistic romantic requirements. -
voodooKobra - If my stuff is insane bullsh** then just move on. I thought you were very brainy. You've mispelled insane, it's not inane. People that don't like my threads & think it's bullsh** don't leave comments. They move on, so you should do the same since you can take the friction.
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Or perhaps she wants to put him into a big black pot and boil him into the perfect man...
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Sweetheart he said INANE...not INSANE...he didn't misspell anything.
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lotusb & voodookobra- Sorry I did not know, & I do not DEBARGE anyone, peace anyways.
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You didn't know, yet you were so quick to say I was wrong when you did not have all the facts. That is why I think you are stupid.
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DeBarge the music group??? I'm confused.
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Perhaps you meant Disparage?
What the heck is Debarge????
Disparage - •express a negative opinion of; "She disparaged her student's efforts"
lotusb you are absolutely correct...you don't need to look anything up! -
lotusb - Yes, sorry you obviously knew what I meant
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@AE
Honestly, I don't agree with voodoo, I don't think your stupid. I think your opinion is one I've encpountered in a lot of Black women and a few white women...not that it's a racial thing but that's my experiance. I disagree whole heartedly, but if that is how you want to live your life then I'm sure it will work out for you. I do think, however you may want to browse the discussions a little and pay attention to how people phrase their posts...because the way you put up these discussions is almost like your daring people to disagree with you. Most threads are more fun when your honestly open to what others think. Also, people won't be so determined to prove you wrong and you can have an actual discussion. I think Bette mentioned this to you. Anyway, I'm off this thread now, cause it's gettin sad -
lotusb - Thanks for your honesty, I appreciate it anyways. Good luck.
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I'm going to reverse the headline for you. If a lady gives it up in the first 90 days of dating, She is not worthy for the next step!!!!-
stayfitbug - If that makes you happy, then great for you.
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The problem is... I've never been able to wait!! 90 days - that would mean I'd have to go without sex for that long, I take it that's the idea - for the sake of everyone I come into contact with, I can't let that happen! -
shesgotculture - It's not that you're waiting, but more protecting yourself from being hurt over emotional attachment if he leaves. Getting to know him first, mainly most of the 90 days, I think will reveal alot about him.
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But I don't get emotionally involved, not right away, sometimes never! When I'm in single mode, I date several guys at the same time, and when somebody ends up being more special than the rest, then I let the rest drop.
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shesgotculture - But it would be kind of hard to not get emotionaaly involved if you're sleeping together.
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Only standing up for the men :-). But in general. i think a lady needs to let a man wait for sometime at least. Even if she really does want to do it. Finding that special fish is a rarity for sure. So a test wouldn't hurt. Besides, if they really are special then it's usually best to be friends first anyway. With dating the 90 day rule can be more lax.
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stayfitbug - I totally agree with you. You said:
But in general. i think a lady needs to let a man wait for sometime at least. Even if she really does want to do it. Finding that special fish is a rarity for sure. So a test wouldn't hurt. Besides, if they really are special then it's usually best to be friends first anyway. With dating the 90 day rule can be more lax.
Thanks
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Sure, its all in the understanding... from BOTH sides of the coin.
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stayfitbug - Thanks & I agree
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I have removed comments on this page for profanity. I am sure you can all get your points across without resulting to swearing.-
Are you admin? I didn't know that! *quakes with fear*
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Why so puritanical?
"Profanity" is a part of "language." -
Just going by the rules...there has been an issue lately saying admins have been to biased when removing posts. I don't think this is the case, but I am adhering strictly to the rules as they are posted, which means no profanity.
iratedog, I'm watching you! -
I respect that, but I question the objections against profanity.
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@vK: What's worse, the notion of "profanity" didn't exist until the Normans invaded and Frenchified our language, so "pig" is now "pork," and "cow" is now "beef."
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jeremyjanson - I agree with you & voodookobra
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Ache--I have to tell you. You are extremely abusive to people after posting a discussion that (supposedly) everyone is allowed to give their honest opinion on. That's extremely annoying.
You repeatedly insult all of us--and then wonder why people have a problem with you.
I also don't appreciate your incessant quoting of what I said. Get your own opinions--leave me out of it. When you quote only a snippet of what I said, it no longer has the same context. So knock it off.
I was willing to defend you to a certain point--but by now (after reading your terribly abusive comments to my friends in this post), I am completely disgusted by your antics here.
I'm actually going to make it a point to avoid you--and that's not something I usually do with people.
I really suggest you think before you post such offensive, inappropriate comments to the members of this community--unless you want to be ostracized and ridiculed. At this point (after reading this thread), I think you bring on all the grief you have gotten.
And I must also say, I don't usually respect people who can NEVER learn from experience.-
Bows down to the wise Melinda -
ditto
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Wrong.
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jeremyjanson - I agree with you & voodookobra
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Woohoo Melinda!
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@melinda
w00t! right on!
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ok. let's say you do meet a man who willingly waits the three months you require, who meets your financial obligations, and meets your earning requirements. THen what?
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Floormodel - Well if he & I have been dating 4 three months & everything works out, then I would want to start a serious relationship, with strings attached
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Hmmm... 3 months = 90 days
90days = about 13 weeks
If you see the person on weekends, for dinner, and a movie, and drinks.. let's say $100
So after the guys spends $1300, you MIGHT get serious ??
I think I'd rather take half, and spend it on a brand new laptop, and take the other 650 and FLUSH it down the toilet.
I'm going to make a wild guess that when you get married, you're going to do the two-lastnames-hyphenated BS too?-
PastExpiry - Depends on his last name & if I feel it will affect my company name or not. Also I'm more concerned with emotional attachment in the first 90 days of the dating.
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What's wrong with hyphenating or even (gasp!) keeping your own last name? It sounds like you're attaching some kind of personality disorder to the practice.
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shesgotculture - Actually I'm not.
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I knew a lady whose first name was Fern
She married a guy whose last name was Plant
A good reason to keep your maiden name.-
PastExpiry- Ha Ha
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Hyphenated names are just a pet peeve of mine. Either keep your maiden name (perfectly acceptable in my view), or take the guy's last name (especially if it is easier to spell). The two name hyphenated thing is just so snooty and half-assed. That's just my opinion, but I am sure I will be annoying someone out there.
So what happens when "Smith-Jones" marries "Skeeter-Obrian", does she become Smith Jones Skeeter Obrian... ? good grief.-
PastExpiry - Ha Ha, I get your point though.
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George Carlin said it best. "Hey lady, pick a fucking name, would ya? Feminists think hyphenating their names is a radical act. It's not. Castrating a guy with a coke bottle in Central Park is a radical act."
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voodooKobra - ?
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I've always thought that more people could benefit from the wisdom of George Carlin
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Floormodel - Second me in, now I familiar
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VoodooKobra, I think I almost peed myself after reading the Carlin skit. Ironically I happen to be drinking a coke, but fortunately it is not in a glass bottle.
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Why 90 days, can't you get to know a person without putting a number. Wouldn't it be more appropriate to focus on getting to know a person instead on the rules you've set. What if that person imposed the same thing on you would you not be offended if your just also part of that person's test and he's not "serious with you" until you have passed the test.
Let's say X is serious with Y from the beginning but Y is not because of the 90 day test. It's seems the relationship within that 90 days is one-sided because only X is serious and Y is not. Wouldn't it be unfair for X? And wouldn't it be unfair for Y if it's the other way around?
Rules will only get in the way of truly knowing the person. You might get caught up too much in your rules that you do not clearly see the persons true intention or feelings for you. He might pass that your test but can you really be sure that he's serious with you after that?
Sometimes it's doesn't take long to know a person, but sometimes it does take time. The point is, why put a standard time? You might end up frustrated if you did not fulfill it. Can't we just take all the time we need to know a person seriously without clouding your perspective with rules and standards. Wouldn't it be best to have fun and enjoy the persons company in those 90 days or more or would you rather spent those thinking if the person will pass that test of yours so that you can know you can sleep with him.
Both of you will be ready at a certain time to take it to next level, but setting a specific time to make is not gonna make it right. You might not even be ready for it and you just want it so to fulfill your standard. That would make it a stupid decision then.-
jerrodmcjunkin - I agree with you, during the 90 days is when getting to know each other takes place. The no sex is for not developing being emotionally attached, if stuff goes sour.
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I have never followed any rules in the dating game. Well except the respect and trust rule. I think that if both people are ready for sex then go for it.
As for the 90 day rule you are setting yourself up if you tell the guy he has to wait for 90 days. That is a challenge for a player. He knows that after 90 days he will have sex with you and yes he will probably seem to treat you like a princess in that waiting period as you will be his challenge. Will also be sleeping with others while waiting. Not saying everybody is like that but if you come across a player and tell him of this 90 day rule this is probably what will happen. I have a few friends who are players (good friends and what they do in their own time is not my concern.) I have seen the way they are. I also had two neighbors who were players and it was obvious to some but not the girls that were being played until one of them had a couple of girls pregnant in the same year.
I believe that sex should happen when you both are comfortable with it whether it is within a week or 3 months.-
chicky401 - I do not tell men about the 90 day rule. If they realize I'm not ready to sleep with them before the 90 days, then they will catch on.
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Mine is 90x2 rule, first 90, he can explore my half top, and then after the 90, the other half Plus the one he is used to, to make the whole body. Meaning after 180 days he is a winner-
So you'll let a man touch on you for 180 days and never get any satisfaction?
I have a theory...that women who do this...have never had a real orgasm. -
muthumbi - You have a interesting rule.
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Hmmm... If you don't tell guys about the 90day rule, then I think most guys would get to somewhere around day60 and think,"Oh OH, she's frigid".
I'd respond to Muthubi's comment, but she hasn't passed my 7-day comment rule.-
PastExpiry - I don't think they will think I'm frigid, if they like me for me. The 90 day rule will tell me anyways what are their intentions in the first place.
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