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To married men/fiance/boyfriends
Posted by Funkkeejooce • 8/28/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: affairs, infedility, marriages, MEN, on-linedating, relationships
This is a serious discussion and I hope not to offend the male population for I so love them. Ok, here goes.
I have heard quite a lot of stories about men in relationships having affairs on-line/dating on internet. They are, those confronted, think they are committed to their relationship and that the on-line affairs are just for kicks/fun and nothing serious.
I've known some of these men who did such things but they would never leave their wives/girlfriends for their fantasy partners. They think it's a fantasy thing.
One person even told me, "well...men, think with their two heads..." (Obviously, the other head can't be blamed for anything)
Question is what do you think of men who does these things? Do you percieve it to be harmless? Do you think it's macho? Are you or were you ever in that situation? Were you ever caught? Does it boost your ego?
Honestly, truly, I really want to understand it...so pls do reply.
User Comments
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Right. I'm a guy and have been with my girlfriend for 1 + 1/2 years. I've never cheated on her, never done anything online with other people, never done anything with another girl that is beyond friendship (i.e. kiss on the cheak, that sort of thing). I do notice other women, as in, I "notice" them... but I just think, "Oh, she's attractive" and move on. I'd never actually do anything. Never ever ever.
Guys who do are giving the rest of us a bad name and have actually made it so most women seem to EXPECT us to cheat! Now all of a sudden "Nice guys" are an apparent rarity even though every single guy I know is the same as me.-
That's really good to hear. And no, I don't expect every guy to cheat because I still believe everyone is a good person until I am proven wrong.
What really bothers me is that those guys who do have internet affairs honestly don't think they are doing anything wrong. Which makes me think am I putting a lot of colour into this? Does it make it only wrong if the person involve cross the line by having physical relationship with their on-line partners? -
I suppose it matters MORE if they actually do something, but just doing things over the internet is wrong.
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"having affairs on-line/dating on internet"
Does this mean like typing sexual stuff to someone, having a "virtual" relationship? Or does this mean meeting someone online and then have a real-world (physical) affair with them?
I have never done either, and would not do either. But I do think the difference is substantial.-
When I say, "having affairs on-line/dating on internet," I mean having an emotional relationship with that person. You chat with them on daily basis, talk dirty and fantasise sexual acts.
I knew a guy who is married and did this sort of thing. He didn't think there's anything wrong with it because there is no physical act. It only becomes wrong for this guy I know if he takes it to the next level.
I am not judging this person I know or anyone for that matter. I am just curious what your views are.
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Happily married since 2002,and I would NEVER in a million years have an "affair" online...at least not without the wife's approval. (only kidding about that last part)-
Men and fantasies! lol
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I caught my husband once looking at girls on the net (not hardcore stuff). After that, I learned (by him) that he was doing that for a long time, (before I even met him) each 3 weeks or so... I really really thought he was one of the good guys...
I know it's stupid, but since that time, I doubt.
I think what uppets me the most, is the "behind my back" part, and also that while he was looking at girls... I was doing his lunch for the next day!-
Some men will say it's for fantasy reason and they'll even argue/debate that everyone have a sort of sexual fantasy in their minds and not necesarily mean those fantasies include their partners. In the olden days, before the birth of internet, some men like to keep a "goodie box" where they have their naughty mags are piled. Was this considered emotional cheating as well? Some think it is and some don't.
Nowadays, cyber-relationship/sex are replacing those mags and men who enjoy this are dealing with real people in the other end of the line. The fantasy becomes bigger because there is an interaction.
I talked to a girl before who had an online relationship. She went through all the process of flirting, confiding and developing an emotional attachment to this man. Unfortunately for her, what she didn't realised is, this man was married and had no intention of leaving his wife. This becomes complicated because, this man is betraying 2 people's trust. -
Whats so wrong about looking at other women on the interenet? -
*braces for impact of women shouting at lotusb*
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By the way, I met my hubby on the internet and we were both single when we started chatting. We are now 6 years happily married. But when I hear stories of on-line infedelity, sometimes I can't help but think, what makes me so sure my hubby wouldnt do anything like that. We both have our own computers and I have never snooped into his computer. (Not that I intened to start doing so) I don't want to distrust him so I just have to shrug off this idea in my head.
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I've read that when a partner cheats in any form, the most devastating part for a woman is the emotional relationship that the partner has. And that men find the physical act of their partner's cheating much more difficult.
I've known couples whose relationships were badly damaged by emotional affairs, even though there was no physical aspect to it.
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Any form of abuse in trust is truly devastating in any kind of relationship. Trust is so precious and so hard to earn back when you lose it.
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I think perhaps, if some women weren't so judgemental about this kind of thing, men would be more upfront. I mean MOST, not all women if told by a man within the first few weeks of dating that that man looks at naked women online, or likes to notice women when he's out...etc. would run and hide. Or tell him he needs to stop. So it's not surprising that men hide this.
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Yes, lotus, there is nothing wrong with looking at women on internet but there comes a point when it does become wrong and an issue when trust is abused. There are women who are liberal about it and some women who are fairly old-fashion. I personally think trust comes from communication and being able to convey what one's innermost feeling, sentiment and dislike in one's partner.
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What does looking at hot woman online have to do with dislike in one's partner? -
Well I think pointing the blame at the men is a little unfair.
1) Women do the same thing.
2) Maybe if more women would pay attention to keeping themselvs limber and trim and staying open to trying new things in the bedroom their men won't get bored and go looking for School Girl pics online. -
No lotus, this is not a blame discussion. I am not judging anyone. I was hoping to get response from the males on here to give me their views about it. That's my effort trying to understand how they tick.
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Well, I was giving the perspective of a woman who DOES understand them. Men don't puzzle me. I think in their simplicity, some women find it hard to understand. Some men have women convinced that they are complex, when their really not.
Men are human. Humans like excitement. Some humans like consistant excitement while others tend to taper it off and prefer it that way. If a man's only way of getting "kicks" is online, then he's probably going to prefer that method. It might progress, it might not. But generally some women find it degrading, when I would consider it to be a very plainly stated hint that our sexual communication needs to be restored and refreshed. Not that he is a non-trustworthy man, or a cheater. -
I understand where you coming from Lotus and it's a great explanation you gave. Women think with their hearts...unfortunately.
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Dear Women,
Stop being crazy and nagging us to death and we will stop looking at other women. Thank you.
Sincerely yours,
Chauvinist male sociopath, with a huge ego -
now if i understand the premise it's married men and who? unmarried women? married women? women of the opposite sex? virtual women? men pretending to be women?
my point is that it takes two to internet tango. and i find it a bit biased that you pick on only half the participants, men. and further, you subscribe to some theory about men, while dismissing the fact the for every guy doing it there is a willing woman.
personally, i don't really care one way or the other about what other grown folks do. i just know it doesn't work for me. -
Women also cheat.-
Exactly what I've been thinking through all of the responses in this thread. Why is this limited to men? Women do the same thing.
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"What does looking at hot woman online have to do with dislike in one's partner?"
Nothing. If one dislikes a partner, then there shouldn't be partnership in a first place. If it's the physical aspect of it, there's not much you can do. Partnership is about accepting the whole package and with that comes trust. There is nothing wrong admiring another person and feeling attracted to another. The question is when does it start to become wrong.
I am not judging men who condone these things because I believe some of them don't think they are doing anything wrong.-
They aren't. It's not wrong.
Woman look at guys just as much (they are just more subtle).
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Madame X ,aspotofblog, rcrane52
I started this thread for men not because I do not think women cheat. If you read what I wrote at the beginning, it is my interest to understand why some men don't think it's wrong. I want to understand their view on the fantasy aspect of it. Of course men and women cheat alike. Never said otherwise.
dbowles1017
Oh yes women likes to look at men too (subtle or not). I would be lying if I said I didn't look at men. -
To those of you who say "women also cheat" and "it takes two," consider this:
A few years ago, after I had been widowed and reached the point that I was interested in meeting men again, I placed a personals ad.
The first week I got about 60 responses...and fully half of them were men in relationships. Some of them admitted it outright, some of them left a trail of breadcrumbs to their marital status a blind woman could follow.
The second week I placed the same ad again with a minor edit: I said unmarried men only. I got another 60 or so responses and a good 25% of them were men who were in relationships, some of them candid about it (with rationalizations and excuses why it was OK) others leaving that same trail of breadcrumbs.
Now, this does not factor in the men who were married and did not admit it or leave clues to the fact they were actually married and who were not only willing to deceive their wives, but to deceive a potential partner as well.
Yes, it takes two to tango...but I would not automatically assume that the woman in such a dance is aware of the truth of the man's marital status (one of our own BCnauts recently dumped a boyfriend when she found out he was married) and studies have shown that, while women DO also cheat, the incidence of cheating is much, much higher in males.-
How does one actually know that males cheat more than women...when it's so easy to simply lie about your answers, proving that women aren't actually less likely to cheat, they are just more likely to keep it a secret and not brag about it to a survey taker.
I will say from what I know... women cheat. A LOT. -
you know SV, making an argument with facts is just plain unfair.
i stand corrected: it takes two (i.e., much more often than not, a deceitful man and trusting woman) to internet tango.
there! that should clear that little faux pas up! and, no, i don't have any answers as to why. -
Lotus, there have been a ton of studies done on this and the general outcome is that the cheating rate for women is under 40% and the cheating rate for men exceeds 60%.
Yes, people can lie, but I think those studies factor that kind of thing in. Melinda (where is she, BTW?) could probably tell us how these are done and how they weight/adjust for lack of truthfulness. -
I would like to know as well. I think when you understand the way cheating is perceived in each sex it's easy to understand how one would lie about it. Cheating for a man, is like a notch on their belt in many ways. Most men cheat because they feel demasculated (sp?) by lomng term commitment and yern for someone who is "amazed" by them...or someone exciting. Women cheating is not the same. They may cheat for the same reasons, but they don't usually go bragging about it, most are ashamed by it...it's not a point of pride. So why would a woman who is in totaly denial about what she has done or does be honest about it to anyone? Ever? It's the reason most women don't get caught cheating...they tell NO ONE.
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Link these studies please
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Like everyone else, I read and collect a lot of information. I have read articles ABOUT these studies over the years and cannot point you to the ones I have read.
Here, however, is a site that has aggregated considerable information on the topic, including the following:
--Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."
--About 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an affair at some point in some marriage "Monogamy Myth", Therapist Peggy Vaugn
--Cheating spouse statistics confirm that 50 and 70 percent of married men (between 38 and 53 million men) have cheated or will cheat on their wives. One study found that 2/3 of the wives (26 to 36 million women) whose husbands were cheating had no idea their husbands were having an affair - largely because they failed to recognize the telltale signs.
--According to Annette Lawson, author of Adultery, published in 1989 by Basic Books. "The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty." According to Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners, first published in 1987 by Random House, re-issued in 1996 by Ballentine.
www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html
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I see your point, Sweetviolet.
But also keep in mind that it's almost 'the norm' for males to cheat. It is almost to be expected, because he's just 'being a man'.
When a woman cheats it is an outright scandal, because it's supposedly against a woman's nature to cheat. So perhaps the women are just way more discreet due to societal perception. And therefore they don't get caught as often.
Even a man who cheats himself, has a hard time understanding why a women would cheat. Hypocritical, I know. -
Women and men cheat alike. It is horrific for whoever have to go through this. There is for sure no measurement who suffers the most pain. Both men and women hurt alike.
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Anyway folks, thanks for your responses. Have to make dinner. I hope I haven't offended anybody in here and if I sounded bias, it wasn't my intention. But I think we lost the point somehwere between the lenghty discussions . I thoroughly enjoyed it sharing my opinion with you guys and hope when I look again later there will be more responses.:)Cheerio!
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Per your original question, I think it's absolutely harmless. Personally, I don't think sex has much to do with intimacy or love. I think that's the great myth of our times. The belief that it does causes all this hysteria about "cheating" and being betrayed. If people were more secure they wouldn't be poking their noses into every cranny of their partner's sexual attractions. I think the real bond between two people is emotional-sympathetic-conversational. It's a mutual caring, a friendship with a commitment to stick to each other through thick and thin. I'm not talking here about actual affairs that make one physically and emotionally unavailable to one's partner, but harmless dalliances like flirting, being attracted to other people, masturbation and online sex. -
I think a healthy relationship involves fun and games. As long as both parties are in agreement then everything should be fine. I have been a bad girl in my past life looking at different men in a matter of minutes. But those were the days...eerr age. Now I am still looking at men but I have been punished to be placed in a man's body
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:)Not punished at all just given a unique role with unique lessons.
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Oh dear god, are you kidding me?
For the last time, for every cheating man out there, there's a cheating woman!
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