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What advice & wisdom would YOU offer to a man who just married for the first time at 51?
Posted by beckywhetstone • 4/12/09 • Subscribe to this Discussion [RSS] • Report This Topic
Topics: advice, happy marriage, marital advice, marriage, newlywed advice, wisdom
Surely your collective wisdom can make certain my friend gets off to a good start with his new marriage ... what have YOU learned about good relationships and what wisdom could you offer up? You can read mine at: doctorbecky.livejournal.com/6555.html
User Comments
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The most important phrase to learn is "Yes, dear".
After that, just give it time, patience, caring and never give up.-
Yeah, well the research shows you are correct, that a man needs to be open to the female's influence, so "Yes dear," would certainly achieve that!
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Flexibility in all things!
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Another great comment -- the happpiest marriages (and people) are those that are more flexible and go-with-the-flow as opposed to rigid. Rigid = eeeww!
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Find a good therapist-
Great idea -- those of you who need one can call me to make an appointment at 210-771-5939.
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I only have advice for his wife: take swimming lessons!-
ROFL! Good advice! -
I guess I don't understand this comment??
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RUN.
No seriously - Learn that after the romance is over, once you've figured out everything there is to know about this person you're now with... You are left with a person that you have to live with...
AND THEY WITH YOU.
Never allow yourself to become boring. Boredom facets the end of the relationship - more quickly than infidelity - and in fact, leads often to infidelity.
Don't escape when problems arise. Deal with them TOGETHER.
GIVE and TAKE
Make sure you're not too much of a wimp - and that you're not too much of an overbearing ogre.
Balance.
Share
Believe
Trust - even when you doubt.
KNOW that mistakes happen and be prepared to handle them - but don't let someone abuse you.
Don't EVER strike someone out of anger.
If you get angry - walk away or leave. Your absence is often the worst thing.... (That doesn't mean go do something stupid during that absence... Just don't be there.)
Never put ALL of YOUR OWN needs FIRST - but don't let all of your own needs go last.
Do not abuse - and do not be abused.
Balance.
Women are often seen as myths - and those myths are often shattered when you live with one.
For example:
Women should have clean shaven legs --- WHY? Do you shave your legs?
Women never pass gas --- Oh yeah? Really - what do they do - BLOW UP?
Women should always look perfectly made up - oh really? Go put your own makeup on - and brush your hair.
Women don't grow hair on their chins, chests - etc... --- you better learn not to watch as we pluck - cause honey - we have the same hair on our faces - and some of us have genetically dark hair...
Lose the myth - like the person - find the balance...
And then - you should do well.
But you better LIKE the person - not only Love them --- but you better LIKE the person - as in the way they smell - the way they think - the way they pass gas and more!-
These are interesting thoughts, but I'd steer my bud away from a couple of them ... trust even when you doubt ... sometimes our gut tells us something is wrong and it is. I would approach my spouse to discuss my doubts. Of course, if someone is cheating it is not uncommon for them to lie about it ... just keep that in mind. Even those who are usually very, very honest will lie, lie, lie about emotional or physical infidelity. So I say, trust, but verify.
Also, the walking away when heated up suggestion is a known and proven behavior that predicts eventual divorce. I tell my clients that, of course, there is nothing to gain from communication while heated, but rather than hang up, storm out, etc., just say, "Hey, we're heated right now, let's continue this conversation in a couple of hours (or sometime in the next 24 hours) when we've both cooled down." The important thing is to come back to the issue and to not leave it and act like it never happened.
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I'd tell him: not everything's a battle, sometimes you can just do things your partner's way because it's more important to them than it is to you.-
wise words...
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He's certain to prove that everything is downhill after 50
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I wouldn’t give him any advice.
The man is 51 years old and probably wiser then most of the people that have showed up to celebrate his special day. I would just wish him lots of love and congratulate him especially since he waited till he was 51 to make a true commitment.
I mean, why stereo-type a person who decided to get married at 51?
Seems to me he might be the best one to give advice on how to (or rather share his thoughts) with those who have come to celebrate his special day.-
I guess instead of advice, I was hoping for some wisdom and lessons learned -- things we all wish we had known before we got married.
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don't screw it up... -
@Becky
I agree with all the advice in your post. IMO it's right on. It's important for couples to learn how to communicate, how to fight fair and how to compromise as well.
Communication - What's key to the survival of any relationship is open communication. If a husband is not happy, the first person he ought to discuss that with is his wife and vice versa. The only way to be in a position to do this consistently is to talk; not yell, not argue, but talk like civilized people. Setting aside and hour a day without any distractions or interruptions is a good idea. In most cases what will take place is small talk and that lays a strong foundation for the times that heavier discussions take place.
Compromise - If someone is absolutely unwilling to compromise on minor issues, you should expect the same for larger issues. There are subtle changes that we cam can make in our lives in order to make our spouse feel appreciated. This is part of the never ending compromise that is critical to relationship survival.
Personal expectations and team work - It's important for couples to share their personal expectations, goals and dreams and learn how to support each other so each partner can achieve as an individual. Marriage involves very real legal and social rights. You are no longer just individuals who happen to love each other. You are a team who faces the world together so it's equally important to develop shared goals and dreams and achieve them together.
Organize - Don't work so much to where you're not spending enough time together as a couple. Put first things first. If you are married then your relationship trumps your career. Happiness in any relationship comes from being happy in partnership. To be happy a couple must learn how to organize their world, the tasks that must be done, and who is responsible for doing them. The more organized the couple is the less stress there is on the relationship.
Small expressions of love - "I love you" is not just a verbalization. It can be expressed by doing your share of the work around the house and yard, picking up a favorite restaurant/fast-food dish on the way home from work as a surprise, doing a special job around the house that your partner usually does, leaving each other little presents and notes in unexpected places, going on dates, picnics, and walks together, complementing your partner in front of others, etc.
I have lots advice about how to retain the romance in your sex life but this isn't the place to post it. lol -
I'm printing this off and posting it on my fridge (hoping the hubby gets the hint). Nice advice! -
Did you read Becky's post too? It's excellent.
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Yes. I printed it off too!
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Yo! Let me tell you that little summary is based on 30 years of experience in remaining married to your best friend. I think I'll publish it as a blog post.
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It seems like it and I'm happy for you...lately my best friend (hubby) seems to have become my worst enemy.
You should post that...it's good stuff. -
I'm sorry to hear that
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Don't be sorry. I'm fine and he's fine...just not together fine.
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Well said!! Many of the things you list are behaviors that researchers have identified as characteristics that create a happy marriage over the long term. People must make their marriage a priority – why even marry if you don't plan to do that? If we marry and then put our spouse on the shelf like a favorite old book to be read another day, then the esteem in which they hold the relationship will diminish -- so don't do it!
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I would offer this advice .....
it took you 51 years to figure out what you want out of life - don't listen to other people's advice
added:
... and if someone starts putting lists on the fridge door - RUN~!-
Great answer
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I think the person who should run is the person having to put the lists on the fridge.
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Yes .. I think I would agree with that
People make lists to better manage something. People hate to be managed - especially spouses/ common law/ girlfriends and boyfriends/ etc etc etc -
@PetLvr: I agree, I'm not trying to manage anything. Trying to get my point across to a man who refuses to talk. Leaving lists and writing him notes is all I can do at this point. Sorry for taking your comment so personally...
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Is this a case of no communication beause of anger and a marriage going south, or a long term personality traight where your husband is a introvert who internalizes everything?
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don't piss against the wind.-
unless you like the taste of piss...
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There's still life outside of marriage. -
good luck
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Be happy we bought it on sale.
Yes we know what you do in the shower but please save some hot water.
also notice hair cuts and other make overs, even if you don't really care.
Take an interest in your wifes hobbies even if they don't interest you.
Your wife is always the most beautiful women in the world...really no matter what.-
Just take an interest in your wife or husband, period. Curiosity shows you care ... I don't think we ever know all there is to know about a spouse ... so keep digging!!
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Take good care of your health and use your experience to raise your kid well because chances are, you might not be around a long time to see him grow. Make each day and each moment quality time... -
Communication...keep the lines of communication going...it's the only way to stay in love...
www.tonitmtaylor.com/2009/03/24/communicationopening-up-in-a-relationship/
and....acceptance of each other...true acceptance of who the other person is.
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